Yesterday was not a good day. It was not tragic. It was not a crisis. To most people it was no big deal. But it was disappointing day for me. Psalm 13:12 says "hope deferred makes the heart sick...". That is where I was yesterday.
The day started just fine. I slept till 9 am, made Graham Cracker flavored coffee and planned to spend the day doing homework until it was time to go to church.
My mom came over and we started talking about the fact that I was hoping to move in June when my lease is up. What most folks don't know is that I have been rebuilding my credit and financial life that I destroyed in my late twenties. I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and I have been making great progress, but I have not yet arrived at my goal. My point in stating this is that I do not yet qualify for a mortgage.
Most folks also do not know that I have had my heart set on a particular house. I have not told many people because their theological views do not match mine. But this house has been on the market for quite some time and I was really hoping to be eligible for a mortgage soon and get this house. Well, yesterday while I was talking to my mom about it - I pulled up the website to show her the pictures and saw the words "sale pending".
To make this disappointment worse, there was no one I could talk to about it that would empathize. Most folks would rejoice. My mom rejoiced. My male friend said "so". I knew my mentor would tell me "then its not God's will for you". Proverbs 14:10 - "each heart shares its own bitterness and no one can share its joy".
I flopped on my bed and sobbed like a junior high schooler who got dumped at the dance. The house in and of itself was not that huge. But it made me feel like God has said no to every single dream I have had. Marriage - no. Motherhood - no. Full time ministry - no. Colorado - no. (or at least not now) The house - no. God - can I just have ONE thing I desire? Just one? I never had a dream of climbing the corporate ladder or pursuing excellence in academia. Why can't I have at least just one dream come true?
Oh well. I spent time having my pity party and now it was back to homework. As I sat back down at my desk I realized I still had Facebook open. Someone had posted about the wonderful Lamp Mentors Meeting going on. One that I was missing so that I could get homework done. This was a special meeting. It was hosted at North Way Oakland. Pastor Freedom shared his personal testimony which I would have LOVED to hear. Pastor Doug spoke encouragement to the mentors. Lunch was catered. I was at home drawing Venn Diagrams. Really? Now, I could have gone. However, today is the day that I actually spend time with my mentee Rashawnda. My choice was to cancel her or miss the meeting. It made no sense at all to cancel time with my mentee to attend a mentoring meeting.
So I kept at the homework until it was time for church. Driving to church I was excited and expected the service to be comforting and uplifting. Well, the worship was. The sermon was insult to injury. Now just to clarify... Doug did a fantastic job with the message and I agree with everything that was said. It was just another thing that God has said "no" on. He kept talking about "God's Design". He was 100% correct. I just felt permanently excluded from "God's Design".
Every time I tried to pick myself up - something else hit.
Even when I am emotional, I know that emotions are rarely indictative of reality. So I prayed and asked the Lord to help me to rise above my disappointment and see things through His eyes. Well, the Lord sent His encouragement from an unexpected source. I had emailed the members of the Lamp Leadership team in case Pastor Bryan had forgotten to tell them that I had to step down. I told them about my accelerated degree program at Carlow and how the homework left me little time for much else. One person responded to my email. Mark Zaberiak wrote and said:
"Of course you were missed, but we muddled through anyway.... What you are doing is brave and, I'm sure, scary at times. Remember Nehemiah's response to the invitation to meet on the plains of Ono: "I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down". Keep doing your great work at Carlow, and we'll save a seat for you."
Mark's email was not only kind and encouraging, but it brought exactly what I needed - a Scriptural application to my current circumstance. My Beth Moore Bible study ladies just studied Nehemiah last summer so I am well familiar with the story. Nehemiah was so focused on what God and told Him to do, that he allowed NO distractions - not even "good things".
That email was like Neosporin on a cut - bringing closure to a day of open wounds.
It gave me the ability to smile through the disappointments and keep going.
I love that God didn't use one of my close girlfriends. He used a male member of my LAMP team who didnt even know about my struggle in the other areas. In doing so, I knew that encouragement came from God and Mark was just the vessel. Thanks Mark for being that vessel. Proverbs 12:8 and Proverbs 15:4 both say that the tongue of the wise brings healing. Thankful that I was a recipient of that yesterday.
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