I had to make some difficult decisions today. The Lord had been speaking in that still, small voice for awhile now and I have tried to pretend I could not hear Him. So He spoke a little plainer and louder and finally I came to point of saying "yes, Lord". His response to my obedience has been beyond amazing.
After my insane weekend that I talked about in my last blog, I went to work early on Monday. I have to leave work at 4 on Mondays to make it to school on time so I am supposed to go in at 7. I was sitting in my cube at 6:10 in the morning. I ate lunch at my desk and continued working straight till 4. When I left for my first day of class, I was already tired. However, I ended up thoroughly enjoying the class and I love the professor so that helped my energy. At 8:55 pm the professor gives us our homework. I have absolutely no idea when I am supposed to get all that work done.
This morning I had breakfast with my friend and spiritual mentor. We had missed a few weeks over the holidays and we had much to catch up on. I told her how I believe God has me right where He wants me in my job and with school. He has confirmed it many times, many ways. However, I came to the conclusion that more had to be dropped from my plate than I originally thought. As much as I hated to do this, I would have to step down from the Lamp Leadership Team. I knew it was coming, but I was in denial. I wanted to call Pastor Bryan and tell him over the phone but every time I tried I would start to cry. So I chickened out and sent him an email explaining why I had to step down. That was hard. But God wasnt finished. I knew what He wanted me to do, but it didnt make sense to me (another reason I knew it was Him). I again pretended not to feel His nudging. But during the day today I spoke with my best friend on the phone and she said "Raquel, you can not lead the Beth Moore Bible study - you just can't do it". I knew she was right but my defenses went up. I said "well, I have to - I already told Carol Passavant that I would and the Bible says let your yes be yes and your no be no." She said "Raquel, call Carol and tell her your circumstances have changed and you cant do it". I hung up the phone but I just couldnt do it. I couldn't give up the ladies Bible study. Not only do I love being around those ladies but I need the accountability. And besides, my license plate is PS8410. Psalm 84:10 says "Better is one day in the house of the Lord then a thousand days elsewhere". So why would I give up my time in church??? I knew it was time to stop arguing and just obey - but I can't express how hard of a struggle it was. So as I am dealing with this mental battle - my phone vibrates. My tears of frustration turned into laughter and tears of joy - on my phone was an email from Carol Passavant - an email saying they had too many Thursday leaders! I called Carol and told her how timely and God-sent her email was. She and I laughed and she was supportive and undestanding and was happy to let me step away for awhile. She said they have never had the "problem" of too many leaders. This was God - God had helped me to obey Him.
As I continued working, I was thinking about how this whole thing still doesnt make sense. I wasn't upset anymore - I was chuckling. Then I remembered something from my past. My spiritual journey began with a story quite like this one.
I was raised Catholic and I was in church every Sunday (and "holy day"). When I was 14, I went with my friend to her church for a youth meeting. This church was way different than mine. But I loved this church and I loved the people. However, my parents were devout Catholics and they thought this church was a cult. They forbid me to go. My original plan was to sneak to church. At that time, my thought was "how many parents would LOVE their 14 year old to want to go to church... mine are forbidding me to go!" I spoke to the pastor and explained how I would sneak to church and she said "oh no you wont." She told me that the Bible tells children to obey their parents and I had to obey mine. That was not what I wanted to hear. She also told me something else. She said "Raquel, if you do what is right, right will come back to you".
So in August of 1988 I stopped going to Abundant Life and continued in the Catholic church. In March of 1989, my birthday was on Sunday. My parents decided that as a birthday present they would let me go to Abundant Life just for that Sunday. It was glorious. A few weeks later - out of nowhere - my father says to me: "Raquel, I can see how happy you are there - so go." It didn't end there. What I didn't know at the time is that my parents had gone to speak with the pastors and I was excepted into the Abundant Life Academy for my last 3 years of high school.
Pastor Susan was right - I did what was right in obeying my parents for 8 long months. Right came back to me and the blessing was tripled. I went to my new church, got enrolled in their school, and about a year later, my parents walked away from religion and into a relationship with Christ for themselves.
I made a difficult decision in 1988 and I made a difficult decision today. But the Lord helped me and just as He blessed me in my teenage years, I believe He will bless me again. He already has. Seeing the Lord's presence and active hand in my life is amazing. My new journey is wonderfully difficult. But I drove home today and a song came on that summed everything up:
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
This one thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
Cause This one thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
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