Well it happened. The exact thing I was concerned would happen, happened. As usual, I have no one to blame but myself, especially since I saw it coming.
I was cranky this week. I was just feeling kind of blah and mediocre. I was just going through the motions like a robot. When I lose passion, I become cranky. The timing was horrible. It was the week that my supervisor was in town. I am sure my crankiness went well with the snow and cold for my favorite Floridian. (Actually, I think her kids are my favorite Floridians, but we'll call it a package deal).
Speaking of snow, my thoughts had a snowball effect this week. I went from mediocre, to blah, to cranky.... when I allow myself to get into that place my thoughts just go awry. The insecurity that I can typically managed with a good dose of the Word of God and the encouragement of friends, flares up like a wild fire. I become more sensitive than usual and allow things to affect me that I know I shouldn't. For instance, since my team members are located all over the globe, one teammate decided to email everyone a picture of her family. The other two team members quickly followed. So Raquel sees email # 1 - husband, kids. Here comes email #2 - husband, kids. Three is a charm - email # 3 - husband, kids. Even our resource in India joined in - with a husband but no kids. I knew no one else was thinking like I was thinking - but my Achilles heal was hit. The suggestion was made that I email a picture of my cats. Yeah - right after I email a picture of my weight on the scale and list of my past sins.
Am I being ridiculous? Absolutely. So how did I let this happen? Well, you have all heard the overused cliche "seven days without prayer makes one weak". It is overused. It is cliche. And its absolutely true.
Though I have said "quick prayers" throughout the week, I havent spent quality time with the Lord since last Sunday. My prayers were what I call "Vending Machine Prayers". You say a little prayer and out comes a blessing or a help for you or someone you care about. It amazes me that God still honors vending machine prayers from someone who knows better. I left religion almost 25 years ago. I have a relationship with Jesus and its the most important relationship I have. Imagine a married couple that did not communicate for 7 days except to ask for help or favors.
I'm not trying to be overly dramatic or awfulize things here. If I oversleep one day and don't get time with the Lord, I don't think it's a huge deal or a sin. It doesn't make me a bad Christian. But making a habit of it makes me a weak one.
However, I don't recognize it when I am in the middle of it. I knew I was cranky, but honestly I chalked it up to PMS. Thankfully, the Lord got my attention with Pastor Jay's blog. His blogs always seem to come just when I need them. His latest blog was about losing your spiritual zeal. He said it is our responsibility to maintain that zeal. He explained that the flame gets fueled in 3 ways (in order of importance)
1. Prayer and Bible reading (Time with the Lord)
2. Spending time with other Christians
3. Gathering together for corporate worship
Well corporate worship only happens once a week unless there is something special going on. (I can't wait for Recall in two weeks - 4 consequtive days of church). I do get built up by spending time with Christian friends, especially those more wise and mature than I am.
But God has me in a season where He has placed work and school as my first priorities and thus has limited all the other functions with my Christian friends that I am accustomed to. When I first felt the Lord tell me to go this direction, I thought He had lost it. Why would He want me to do that - to give up my church stuff? I am starting to see a piece of His reason for it. I think I relied too heavily on church and church activities for my spiritual nourishment. I think part of what He wants me teach me through this season is to grow up and take care of myself spiritually. That means the only way for me to stay focused on Him and His purposes for me is to be disciplined enough to spend time with Him often.
When I spend quality time alone with the Lord and then communicate with Him throughout the day, I have joy. I have peace. I have purpose. My confidence and security come from looking at Him and knowing I am right where He wants me to be. When I become lazy and undisciplined (and hit the snooze too many times in the morning), I slowly start to lose my joy and sense of purpose.
Thankfully, He loves me too much to leave me on that downward spiral. When I don't hear His still, small voice - He gives Pastor Jay the words to write in a blog. And tonight, when I logged onto Facebook, one of my teachers from Bible College had posted a video an sweet worship song. The words are simple:
You are Worthy of It All
You are Worthy of It All
For from You are All things, and to you are All things
You deserve the Glory
I didn't need North Way's sanctuary to have some sweet worship time. And in doing so I got refocused. Got my eyes off of me and back onto Him where they belong.
And I am thankful for a chance to do better next week.
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