I messed up today. Although I have been told that it was not as bad as I thought, I still feel pretty crummy. It's a kick in the pants because I had been doing so well.
As most of you know, my co-worker/trainer got let go last week. He and I shared the responsibility of preparing the monthly reports that go to our clients. His departure meant that task was soley in my hands. It was a little intimidating but I was up for the challenge. God has been proving many times over that this company is what He has for me at this point in my life. Knowing I was meant to be there, I knew God would help me with whatever difficulties there would be - if I stayed focused on Him and asked for help. This week is the week that reports needed to be prepared. So I had asked my closest friends to keep me in prayer and I have stayed close to the Lord all week. I have prayed and asked for wisdom and guidance on every obstacle - and of course He delivered. Even though I was busy and fatigued, I watched prayers get answered and God supply my needs.
I don't want to spend too much time boring you with the details of my job, but one of the goals since I started back in June has been to deliver the reports to management in time to give them enough time to review them before we have a meeting to discuss the reports. In the past, the managers would get them with only an hour or two (or sometimes less) to review before the meetings. I thought this practice was rude and inconsiderate. So I made it a personal goal to have the reports delivered to the managers 24 hours before their meeting. I have made progress toward the goal, but have yet to meet it with every client - and this is when I only had half the clients. This week, I was on track to meet it - with all the clients.
I had worked so hard and even though I barely knew what I was doing with the clients I havent work on before, most of the reports got to the managers 24 hours before the meeting. Except one. Why you ask? Because I needed 3 lousy numbers and no one could give them to me. When I sent an email to the person who typically gives them to me, she ignored me for three days. When I pushed a little harder, she told me that I should be talking to another person. So I went to the that person. She said she would get me the information. After giving her a day and touching base again - she told me to contact a third person. Long story short - I have been bounced around all week between these three people and as I type this, I still do not have my data. The report was due to the manager at 10am this morning - with the meeting at 10am Friday.
I started this blog by saying that I messed up. Not meeting my self-imposed deadline is not how I messed up. I messed up by what I allowed this situation to do to me. I got mad. Very, very mad. I made the situation all about me (and it wasnt about me). I had a deadline and these people kept me from hitting it. I felt they made me look bad and I was furious and frustrated. Its my name on the email that delivers the report to management - not theirs. This issue is not new this month. The only thing new was that I almost met my goal. In this little storm, I lost sight of the Lord and His purpose for me. I thought only of myself. My anger was at a level that it hasnt been in a long time. However, I was at work and I do want to continue being employed so I did not speak every thought in my head. I did "vent" a little too much to my supervisor. Though no one else really saw it, I had a temper tantrum. I started thinking: "I gave up the Lamp Leadership and the Ladies Bible study FOR THIS???" I have come in early, worked in the evenings at home, worked on Sunday FOR THIS? THIS is what I gave everything up for?" I gave 120% only to have three uncaring women halt my progress?
If you read the above paragraph, you will find an overused pronoun. Even as I typed it I made myself sick. Funny thing, I knew it was coming. I did well all week and received kudos from those above me. After three days of doing well I knew that pride could come in. Not the good pride - in a job well done - but the bad pride. The pride that thinks more highly of oneself that it ought and the pride that comes before a fall. I believe it was Tuesday night that I prayed and asked the Lord to keep me humble. I ask Him to keep pride far from me. Be careful what you pray for.
I think God allowed this situation. When I stepped away from my desk to deal with the tears brought on by anger that couldnt be released, I talked to the Lord and I said "how did I lose sight of you". The answer is always the same - I lose sight of Him when I look too much at me.
Oh but I can't tell you how much I love my sweet Savior. The Bible says that its His kindness that leads up to repentance. I felt Him look at me like a good Father would look at a remorseful child. He said "Raquel, you didnt give up the things you love for your company. You didnt give them up for your boss or your team. You temporarily gave them up for Me - because I asked you to" Yes Daddy, you are right. Jesus alone is the only one worth giving up those things for.
It scares me how quickly I lost sight of that. I got so upset when I felt those girls made my name look bad - that I made His name look bad. I am His child, I bear His name and I want folks to see Jesus in me.
And of course there always seems to be a song to go with the experience. This morning driving into work I heard the song "Lifesong". The first verse says:
Empty hands held high - such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life - I sing in vain tonight.
The song is referring to our worship. We can sing all the praises we want and worship the Lord through music, but if how we live our life isnt worship - our singing and music are in vain.
The last line of the chorus says:
I want to sign your name at the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to you.
I want to sign your name.... Man, I wasn't signing His name today - I was signing mine. But I am thankful for two things. One, the Lord protected me today. No one except my supervisor knew what I was going through. And apparently my supervisor didnt know as much as I thought. I apologized to her and she had no idea what I was apologizing for! Apparently, I didnt verbalize any where near what I thought I had. I still got kudos at the end of the day from her and my manager. Grace. Divine Favor.
But God looks at the heart. He knew I screwed up. But here is the second thing I am thankful for - and the most important. He already knew I was going to mess up. God knew. Jesus knew - and Jesus paid. Over 2000 years ago Jesus's body laid bound to a cross. One of the times that that hammer hit that nail further into His hand was for my sin today. Jesus long since defeated sin and He no longer feels the pain of those nails and I do not need to carry the pain and shame of my sin.
Because of Calvary, I am forgiven. When I spoke my repentance to the Lord and said: "Daddy, I am so sorry", He smiled - and just like my supervisor, He answered: "what for?"
Psalm 32 - Blessed is the man whose sins are forgiven.
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