Battles - Seen and Unseen

These past four days have been insane. Not necessarily bad, just insane. On Thursday, my co-worker who was the one who trained me got let go. I felt bad for him - because I have been in the position of suffering the consequences of my stupid decisions and it's not a fun place to be. At the same time, I had to "step up to the plate" as I am now the one responsible for the clients' reports. I had prayed for my co-worker and then prayed for the rest of the team and I really felt God's peace and I knew He would enable me to do what needed done.

I thought Friday was pretty good. I made the effort to go in early and stay on top of things and I felt okay. The day was long and I was mentally and physically exhausted in the end, but still in good spirits.

Saturday - UGH! On Saturday I made an unintentional mistake that caused such a tsunami of emotions in me. I am beginning an Adult Accelerated Program at Carlow University. I will be taking classes on Monday evenings and every other Saturday. This Saturday was new student orientation. It was scheduled from 12-4. I got there early because I was told the bookstore closed at 1 that day and I wanted to get my books before orientation. Upon registering for orientation, I discovered that my Saturday class began that morning! I was supposed to be in class at 8am and I didnt realize it. I panicked. Big time. Because it was 11:30 and the class is scheduled 8-12, someone took me to the classroom. It was empty. They assumed the teacher let the first class go early and they told me to email him. Well, he didnt let the class go early. This is a Biology class and he already had the students in the lab!

Apparently, the class is 3 hours of lecture followed by an hour of lab and I had missed it all. I am a person who either does things with excellence - or just doesnt do it. I was crushed to have made this mistake. The professor met with me in his office after class. He gave me the syllabus and a stack of other papers. There is no real way to hear his lecture and no way to make up the lab. And there will be a quiz next class! Thankfully, there is an extra credit project I can do to make up some grade points. Sitting with him caused me to miss the first 30 minutes of orientation - which was lunch. I then sat through 3 hours of orientation. Afterwards I went to the bookstore. I only had enough money to get books for two of my three classes. The second class doesnt start till March 11th so I have time. But two books cost me $300 - for thin paperbacks. I thought the day would end there, but it didn't. They lined us up to get our parking passes. At CCAC, they simply checked my student id and then gave me a parking sticker to keep in my car window. Here, they looked at my schedule and asked me to pay $120 for a parking pass! I just spent $300 on books and I didnt have the money for this. I wasnt expecting it. So my Monday class starts tomorrow and I am unable to park on campus.

So today is Sunday. Typically one of my favorite days and it has been up and down. Church was great. I was so thankful to be back in a worship service. I was soooo done with the Christmas carols. Pastor Jay spoke a message that I really needed to hear (of course). Then I went to breakfast with my friends which I always love.

So after breakfast I head to the office - wanting to stay on top of things. As I am driving there I am talking to a friend who is yelling at me and calling me names for "volunteering" to work on a Sunday. That upset me because many many many times I have been able to leave work early to take care of personal business. I am happy to give back when I need to and putting in the extra works BENEFITS ME! (HELLO!!!)
So I was already cranky when I got to the office. It's amazing how I can allow one conversation to take away the good morning of church and breakfast. I log on and check my email and ended up being snippy to someone I care about. I hate when I do that. Just to ice the cake, I felt a migraine starting before breakfast and I took Excedrin. Well it came back with a vengence and I got an upset stomach to boot. Not easy to work when you feel sick like that. I left at 4pm with a long list of things still needing to be done at home.

All the above ramblings have been my "seen" battles - the physical, daily, battles.
They are the easy ones. The spiritual and mental battles are a roller coaster and I quite frankly want to get off the ride.

When my co-worker was let go, I knew it was a time to accept the challenge and step up and show folks what I can do. I felt willing to do whatever it takes and I wanted to give back to the company for all they have given me.

When I began the journey with school, I knew it would not be easy. I knew sacrifices would need to be made. They say you should plan that for every credit you are taking, to spend 2 additional hours each week with homework. So I am taking 7 credits - I will need approx 14 hours a week for homework. Yeah.

So of course I have to think about where the sacrifices will be. My family and friends speak logically and tell me I cannot continue all my church activities. I still mentor every other Sunday from 1-5. I am still on the LAMP Leadership teams which meets once a month but I am supposed to be doing things besides attending the meeting. I fill communion cups once a month. I lead the Thursday evening ladies Bible study. I had just resigned from my work on the hospitality team. However, I was asked to be a Community Leader and oversee a few small groups. Obviously, I can't do all this and do my job and be a good student. It's impossible. So what do I keep and what do I resign from. I decided that I had to continue leading the Thursday night ladies Bible study because when I don't do it, I dont study the Bible. I need the curriculum and the accountability of the group.

As much as it will pain me, I probably have to decline being a Community Leader, and I will probably sob like a child when I email Pastor Bryan and resign from the LAMP Leadership team. I know, I can't have my cake and eat it too. I can hear the voice of dear friend and mentor who went to be with Jesus a few months ago saying to me: "Raquel, what you want, depends a lot upon what you want".

My battle with what to keep and what to quit is actually an unseen battle. Because the real issue is - I have staked my identity in what I do for the kingdom of God. I love to serve in the church. I remember a few years ago one of my pastors said to me "Raquel, you serve this church in ways that I wish everyone would". Another pastor said to me "Raquel, if I had ten of you, we could change the world". I have been known for all I do in the church - and now I am backing away from most of it.

However, where I have gone wrong is in my thinking. The Bible does say "Seek first the Kingdom of God". But it does not define the Kingdom of God as being "church" or church activities. I believe what the Word is saying is to seek God first, and then follow His will for your life as top priority. I truly believe God has lead me to my company. My schooling will help me to do better and stay with that company. So if it is indeed God's will for me to be in this company, then I am seeking first His kingdom by doing well in my job and working as unto the Lord like Scripture says.

As much as I know that - I still feel horrible for ceasing some church activities. I don't feel like its a "sin", I just feel like its not me.

My biggest fear in all of this is losing connections with fellow Christians. God never intended the church to be some place we went to once a week. The church is the people, not the steeple and God intended for us to be in community with other believers. A dear and strong Christian woman, Veronica Reilly, once said that it is important that we benefit from the riches God placed in each of us. We cant do that if all we do is attend a church service and leave.

These are my battles - seen and unseen. God is taking my life in a new direction. I feel His leading, I sense His confirmation, I feel His peace and divine enablement. Yet, I feel like I don't know who I am- and I am afraid of unintentionally ending up on a proverbial island, isolated from strong Christians.

Do I have this all figured out? No. But Pastor Jay had many comforting words in his sermon. God not only loves me, He likes me. And in the end - we win.

That is enough to anchor me while the battle goes on. :)