Last Thursday, Friday, and through the weekend my church had an event they labeled "Recall". When they announced it in the late Fall, I was so excited. It was going to resemble the "conventions" we had in the 90s. All I knew is I was down for three consecutive days of worship and the Word. I had been eagerly anticipating Recall for months. Little did I know that the week prior to the event would be one of hardest weeks ever. I can't go into detail, but the week hit me so hard that for a few days I wondered if I would ever walk through the doors of my church again. I got so wrapped up in my circumstances and my feelings - thinking about it in retrospect repulses me. Nonetheless, up until last Thursday, the first day of the event, I was unsure I was going. Several folks had asked me if I was going and I responded that I was unsure. I truly didn't want to go. But God is so good even when I am not. Shortly before the end of the work day, my best friend sent me a text and asked me if I was going. She said her and husband would save a seat for me. I hadn't seen my best friend in weeks and I knew that was God's way of making sure I attended.
The first night was a tug of war. I loved the sweet worship, but I couldn't let go of my personal struggle. At the end they had a time of worship and prayer and those who wanted to step forward for prayer could do so. I didn't. I stayed right where I was and tried to worship. My mentor and her husband (he is an elder) were down front praying for people. I looked at them a time or two, but I was not moving. I was looking down at the floor and talking to the Lord. Well, my mentor came to me. She said a few words that resonated deeply - I knew it was the Lord. It usually is when she speaks. What spoke even more deeply was the fact that when I would not budge, she came to me. It was another way the Lord was showing me that He pursues me. He wants a deep intimate relationship with me even when I am at my worst. So I talked to the Lord during my drive home and He showed me an error in my thought processes. (You're probably thinking... just one?) The Lord's correction was not harsh. As usual it was kind and it freed me. It freed me to let go of my issues and truly worship.
So on Friday at ReCall I was feeling much better and totally engaged. Worship was sweeter than words and the message was great.
The service on Saturday is what changed me the most. Again, sweet worship. But Saleem Ghubril said several things that hit me. First, he said "God's love is unconditional. But intimacy with God is conditional". He is right. There is nothing I can do or not do that would make God love me more or less. However, the depth and closeness of my relationship with God depends on me.
I have been struggling to maintain my intimacy with God in my new season of life. However, I think that is the reason God has me in this season. He wants me to learn to be intimate with Him without the crutch of church or other Christian activities. It's like the show Biggest Loser. It is easy for the contestants to stick to their plan when they are on the ranch with their trainers. But when they return home and get back to life, its solely up to them to maintain their health.
These past two days have been busy. I worked 7-4 on Monday and then went to school. Today work was non-stop and when I got home and ate dinner I had to decide how to spend my time between the extra work I needed to do for my job and my school work (and blogging of course). I did a little of each.
But first I checked Facebook. Priorities you know. On Facebook, Dennis Allan had posted a blog from his wife Julia. It made me cry - both their blogs always do that to me. Reading Julia's blog is like reading the Bible with drops of emotion mixed in. (whereas my blog is emotion with drops of the Bible mixed in - lol). But a part of Julia's blog was about being so busy and caught up in the normal routines of life that you neglect to tuned yourself in to God's Spirit. When you are not walking closely with Him and staying in tune with Him, it is easy to not hear His still, small voice.
One of the other things Saleem's message did was rekindle a fire in me in regards to certain part of my life. This fire or desire of mine is a hot button issue therefore not public knowledge. My dilemma is determining if my desire is the Lord's desire for me, or just my desire. I will never figure that out if I don't prioritize intimacy with Him. I have heard many people say that the Lord will not tell you what to do until you are doing what He has already told you to do.
Saleem mentioned what God has told each of us to do. Its found in Micah 6:8. "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
ReCall lived up to its name. I have been re-called. Not called to something new - but re-called to what I have always been called to. To act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. At work, at school, during the struggle to get it all done. I must learn to walk humbly with God, seeking intimacy in my relationship with Him while doing daily life. I have a hunch that when my walk with Him is intimate again, I will know which desires are His and which are mine.
I am grateful to my God. Grateful that when I get off the path He is faithful to pursue me - and to recall me unto Him.
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