When God Says No

For most of my life I have been on quest. I've been on quest to achieve what it seemingly unattainable for me. I have been on a quest for "normal". I have been "abnormal" for most of life and I have spent most of my life trying to change that fact. Up until I was five years old, it was just me and my mom. My mom was single but life for me was perfect. I never left her side those first five years and it was like I had my own personal Garden of Eden. But in late August of 1979, I had to leave my garden for the world of kindergarten. My very first day away from my mom and I got beat up by a bunch of fourth grade boys. That was my first encounter with the fallen state of man. Throughout my childhood, I was always different. I never quite knew why. I just knew the kids picked on me and called me names and I never could find a place to fit in. It always seemed I was never doing what the normal group was doing. This continued into high school and even when I joined a church and finished my last three years in a Christian school, I was still different. I never had a senior prom, no homecoming, no graduation party. After high school, I wanted to be in full time ministry so I went to Bible College, thinking now I would finally be... normal. I got to Bible College and I was told that the place was secretly known as a Bridal College. I was 20 years old and not really looking for a man at that time, but two years later when I left there - it was only me and one other girl that was not in a relationship. Again - weird, abnormal, different. I still had hope back then. When I moved out on my own, got a good job, and began adult life I still thought there was hope that I would become normal. I would marry, have kids, and my family would serve the Lord and be ... yep... normal. Its been hard for me. I look at normal everywhere I go. Most folks my age are married with kids. Mostly families (extended families) get together more in one year than my family has gotten togther in my lifetime. The last time my local family members were gathered together was the early 90s. It seems like every time I acheive a bit of a normal feeling, I lose it. I have spent many times in my best friend's house with her family. We've had dinners and have played cards and I have enjoyed it so much. I think "this is what normal people do". Well, my best friend sold her house to move to China - taking my little piece of normal. This past February, I received red roses in my office on Valentines Day - the first time in my life. For once, I was like the other ladies in my office. That "normal" experience lasted all of 7 weeks. I am 38 years old and I have been trying and praying for the Lord to make my life look like everyone elses. And for 38 years, the Lord keeps saying "NO". I don't know why the Lord keeps telling me no. I go through stages where sometimes it only bothers me a little, and sometimes it hurts so much I wish He would just take me home. Well, this past Thursday while in the Beth Moore Bible study, I was watching the video and Beth spoke God's Word directly into the sorest part of my heart. She said: "Pain does not have to be in vain. God is strong willed - not strong whimmed. God doesn't just let things happen on a whim. If He has been strong willed enough to say "no" to you in a matter you think will nearly kill you... something HUGE is up. I am not saying that it must have purpose, it has to do with YOUR PURPOSE. If you wanted it so badly and there was a "no" then there is some HUGE and Greater YES. Something in your life that when all time is told and eternity is our reality - your purpose will somehow have been wrapped up in that very greater Yes." It has taken a few days for that to sink in. A few days for me to allow it to bring some type of healing. No, it hasnt brought deliverance - at least not yet. It may still hurt when I see couples holding hands or holding babies. It will definitely still hurt when I see big families gathered together enjoying each other's company. I may still fight feelings of jealousy when I see those who passion and paychecks come from the same place. But one thing I know for sure: God is good. His ways are not my ways, His thoughts definitely are not my thoughts. But I have been in relationship with Him for too long to believe that His answer of no means that God is somehow cruel or uncaring. God is love and He loves me. And even though I don't understand it - I have to believe by faith that went God says no - it is because He is saying YES - to something bigger and better than my mind can comprehend. I am so thankful that the Lord brought me His Word through Beth Moore. It gives me something tangible to fight with when those feelings come. Now, when my eyes see what I can't have or can't be, I may still feel the sting of being told "no", but beyond that initial stings, is the comfort of the sweet, precious voice of my Savior - saying YES.

Submitting to His Script

I have a little devotional calendar on my desk at work. Yesterday morning when I got to work and flipped to the new day I read something that I can't stop thinking about: "Life is literally filled with God appointed storms. The massive blows and shattering blasts - not to mention the little, constant irritations... smooth us, humble us, and compel us to submit to His script and His chosen role for our lives" Swindoll I did not have any circumstancial storms yesterday. It was just another day. Oh but the mental storms I have... those little irritations... my constant thinking and planning and imagining... You see, the life I have is not the life I scripted for myself. Its a good life and a blessed life - but not the life I thought I would have, nor the life I would choose if given a choice. As a little girl, I pictured myself as a stay at home mom. My life would look just like the Wonder Years. Lol. When I got older and began my relationship with the Lord, I went to Bible College planning to be in full time ministry. Heck - I even thought maybe those two dreams would be joined and I would marry a pastor. What's that noise? Oh, its just God - cracking up laughing. The Bible says the Lord looks at the plans of man and laughs. I picture Morgan Freeman in the movie Evan Almighty - having a hearty chuckle when the man said "but I have plans". I wrote a script for my life. At least I thought I did. However, my loving heavenly Father smiles, looks sweetly at me and says "my child, you never held the pen". My script was as solid as writing in air with my finger. My life story is being written by my Creator. He is the author of Life and He has a plan for it. This morning I was still thinking of yesterday's devotional when I read the Proverbs for the day. Proverbs 19:21 says "many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." If I jump ahead to tomorrow's reading I see Proverbs 20:24 - "the Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way". I have no idea why I am 38 and single, working for a banking software firm, going to school for a industry I have no interest in... but God knows. Jeremiah 29:11 - for the I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, to give you a hope and a future. So though I often struggle that my life is what I thought it would be, I am glad that God is in control and the pen is in His hand. I am thankful because when those storms of life occur - those massive blows and shattering blasts - only His purpose is just cause for me to endure. I will deal with each constant irritation as it comes, knowing that I am walking in His chosen role for me at this time.

The Real Reality

Those of you who know me well know that I have a list of pet peeves. Traffic, slow drivers, people who speak while others are speaking, etc. My good friends know that one of my biggest pet peeves is that ridiculous question: "is the glass half empty or half full?" You see, I am neither an optimist, nor a pessimist. I am a realist. The answer to that most ridiculous question is: "YES". It is not an either/or, it is a both/and. The glass is both half empty and half full. Both parts are true. One part does not negate the other. I think both the optimist and the pessimist live in denial - of the other truth. For the past week God has been teaching me some things and this morning He showed me that I am right about the glass. Oh, but don't think I am going to use this blog to stomp on the optimists and pessimists. Oh no - this blog is called Life Lessons Learned Along the Way and I used it to share what God teaches me through life and His Word and that often involves me receiving correction from Him in some way or another. I may be right about the proverbial glass, but I was dead wrong on a more important subject. For the past several weeks, I have been really down in the dumps. I have tried to hide it, but you all know how well I do at not being transparent. I just havent felt "right". I havent felt peace, contentment... all the things I know I should have. I wasn't quite sure why I felt this way. I wondered if it was hormones. Or perhaps the fact that my friend and mentor of over ten years moved to heaven and I was just working through the grief. Earlier this week my friend and current spiritual mentor said something that struck a nerve. She said "I sense such an overwhelming unhappiness in you". Yikes! That is not a Christian should be portraying! So at first I sat there and tried to justify my feelings. I listed all the reasons I had to be unhappy: I just attended the funeral of a good friend. I am 38, single, and childless - always at the top of the list. My life isnt what I thought it would be. My best friend is about to move to the other side of the planet. My family isnt "normal". I never wanted a career. I wanted to be in full time ministry but I have bills to pay. So of course my faithful friend helped to me shift focus to the other truth of the glass. She spoke of all the blessings God has given me - and I began to make the mental list of things I am grateful for. I only have a high school diploma - but I have an outstanding job. I am living on my own and my bills are paid. I am a member of a wonderful church where I can be used in the areas I'm gifted in. I have a long list of wonderful friends and people who love me. I have one friend that texts me at random, unexpected moments and she has no idea how much joy that brings me. I have another friend who, when I first met her, I never thought I would be worthy of her friendship. I never thought I would be good enough to be in her inner friendship circle. We became friends - good enough to have lunch together on her birthday. God has allowed me to mentor a young girl in the inner city for 5 years and watch her grow. So I went over this list with my friend and I believe every part of it. But this list of things I am grateful for didnt take my unhappiness away. I didnt understand it. I found myself asking the question in Psalms: "Why so downcast oh my soul?" After my conversation with my mentor, God began slowly showing me that my communication with Him has been minimal. Being so busy and having many late nights, I chose to sleep in until the last minute in the mornings and had no time in the Word. My moments with Him were quick 5 minute prayers in the car. Going a few days like that is one thing - I went 3 weeks. And boy, have I become weak. Spiritually weak. Though I felt a void, I didnt recognize it as a longing for my Creator and Savior, I tried to fill it with other things: relationships, shopping, even pursuing ministries that God hasnt called me to - or at least not yet. Nothing worked. I couldnt shake this unhappiness - and I chastised myself for being unhappy. Well, this morning I woke up and though I have a huge to-do list for this weekend, I decided I was spending time with the Lord first, however long it took. I felt Him nudge me to begin the study that I will lead in two weeks - a study of the life of David. I read the first two sentences of the introduction and already God was speaking right into my life. I have been at this desk for 2 and half hours. I have been in the Word, I have been communicating with the Lord. I have been corrected and instructed by the Lord. And of course I have worshipped the Lord. Funny - not a trace of that unhappiness lingers. I have HIS joy, I have HIS peace. Its not a hyper, jump up and down kind of joy. Its a calm, satifying, inner peace and joy that comes only from time in His Presence. During the study lead me to Ephesians 6 - the well known portion on the armor of God. He showed me the countless times I neglected to put on the belt of truth and then got slaughterd by lies that I believed. Through an old testament story of Jonathan and his armor bearer, God showed me how I left myself susceptible to the enemy by not walking closely with Him. You see, I wasnt unhappy because of my list of negatives (the half empty part of the glass of my life). And focusing my thoughts on the positives (the half full part) didnt magically make me happy. Both of those lists are true. All of those things I listed still CO-EXIST in my life. They are reality. But Pastor Jay said several years ago that the Word of God has got to be MORE REAL than the circumstances we face. The real reality for me is that I am a child of God. I am a created being that needs to be in communication and fellowship with her Creator. I need to be seeking Him first every day, seeking His will for each moment, spending time in His Word and allowing it to be a lamp for my feet and a light to my path. I need to put on the belt of His truth every day and walk closly with Him. He is my reality. He is my source. He is my joy and my peace. This morning as I felt the washing of the water of His Word like a waterfall over me, I feel restored. There is nothing different about my circumstances. They havent changed. But I have. I pray I can continue to stay close to Jesus through the next few very busy months. Friends, if you catch me becoming overwhelmingly unhappy... please encouage me to get in the Word. Thanks.

Battle of the Mind

Today I could have been an illustration in Joyce Meyer's book "The Battlefield of the Mind". I spent some time in the Word this morning and headed to work. The first half of day was like any other. At lunchtime, I sat in my cube and did some more work in my Nehemiah Bible study. The lesson was really speaking to me and my highlighter was going like crazy. I got a text from a friend and was able to share the Word with her. Really cool lunch. So one would think that really cool lunch would put me in a great frame of mind for the rest of the day.... or.... not. For some reason, my mind drifted to some hurtful things that someone said to me yesterday. They really weren't that big of deal, but before I realized what I was doing, I found myself dwelling on that instead of the Word I just read and shared. I started to get sad and then I caught myself. How easily my mind can wander. It takes no effort for my brain to focus on the negative. So I repented for my stinkin thinkin (again) and I spoke a few Scriptures to myself and got back my attitude of gratitude. And then the work day got hard. I am facing some difficulties this week at work and I started to panic. I began to worry about things that havent happened yet (and may not happen). I began to doubt my ability to do the work and fear set in. Instead of speaking the truth of Scripture to chase these thoughts away, I let them get the best of me. My head looked like a big blown up black balloon. (The ladies in my Bible study will understand that). As I drove out of my office lot, I felt crummy. I didnt have the wits to utter an intelligent prayer, but I did say "Oh Lord, I need help". That was all it took. Like a gentle whisper, He reminded me that He would not lead me to a place and not equip me to be there. He reminded me that He is so much bigger, stonger, capable than the mountain I had envisioned. Refocusing my gaze on God instead of my problems and feelings, I began to worship. First, I just thanked Him and worshipped Him for who He is. Then, I turned on the worship music - loud enough to vibrate the windows. Peter Furler's song "I'm Alive" came on and as I praised our Father, I felt Him cleanse and restore me. This blog is about lessons learned. Today I learned how quickly my mind can stray and take me down. The only remedy for this is Scripture. The Word tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our mind. Life does not always allow us to open the Book when the need arises. So I must read it more, study it more, yes - and memorize it more. The Battle of the Mind is never-ending - and the Word is the only successful weapon. I am so thankful for my Savior - He has indeed given me all things I need for life and Godliness.

A Greater Good

It's been quite awhile since my last blog. I have been busy learning a new job, leading a Bible study, and taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. I havent had much time to sit and type my thoughts. And if I am honest with you, I have to admit I was not in the best place spiritually. It's hard to describe what happened and why - but God is bringing me back. Through my trial, God is giving me a bigger and clearer view of Himself and I amazed and awed. God has used a series of events and relationships in my life lately to show me how He loves. I have had some struggles in a few of my relationships. I am not talking about once instance or one person. But in the events of life, I have been both offended and the offender. Miscommunication, misunderstanding, lack of trust, and admittedly my selfishness has caused pain and brokenness in some of my relationships. I have known that reconcilation was needed. In some cases it was easier than others, but no matter how hard, it required one person to reach out to begin the reconcilation. In some cases, I was able to be that one who reached out to initiate. In another case, I was frozen. I was unable to reach out due to fear of being rejected or hurt again. Thankfully, the other person reached out to me. I'm thankful to the Lord for answering my prayer and meeting my need. I am thankful to my friend for taking the risk when I couldnt. But I dont tell you this to air my personal business on public airwaves. My blog is about life lessons learned along the way - and the lesson God showed me here is what I am most thankful for. In any relationship - parent/child, spouses, siblings, friends - there is risk. Risk of being rejected or hurt. As Christians, I believe we are on this earth for two reasons: to make disciples, and to become more like Christ through our journey. So in the area of relationships, I look at how Jesus lived. And I must looked at how Jesus died. Throught His earthly life, Jesus reached out to everyone. He knew He would be rejected. He knew He would be hurt - not once, but over and over again. When he called Peter to follow Him, He knew Peter would deny Him three times. He knew that though He had his "inner circle" of 12, none of them would be the friend He needed at His darkest hour in the Garden of Gethsemane. So what did Jesus do? Did He protect Himself from the pain? Did He become introverted and only associate with those He could trust (which was no one)? Of course not. Jesus continued to reach out. He continued to put Himself out there continually facing hurt and rejection. He continued to love. And on the cross of Calvary, when he was crucified for our sins, He continue to receive the pain, the rejection, the insults - and He received the worse pain of all - separation from His Father. God the Father, the only relationship Jesus could trust in - He allowed Himself to be torn away from. Why? For a greater good - because He loved us and would do anything to reconcile us to God so that we could live in relationship with Him both now and for eternity. For Jesus - His love for us and His desire for relationship with us was worth the pain, worth the risk. He knew that not all would except this gift. But He had to do offer it and leave the decision up to us. It brings deeper meaning for me to a song we sing in church: How Great the Pain of Searing Loss The Father Turns His Face Away As wounds which mar the Chosen One Bring many sons to glory He had to endure the pain of searing loss - to bring many sons to glory. So, if we are on earth to become more like Christ, shouldnt we too be willing to take the risk and handle a little pain for the greater good of loving people? Like Jesus did, we must decide that the value of our relationships are a greater good, a greater goal, a greater worth - worth the pain that comes with being human. The next time there are some waves in my relationships, I pray that I remember my Savior. I pray that I remember how He kept loving and kept reaching out - through the pain and the hurt - for the greater good. And as I finish this post, another song comes on Klove. It says: Let my life be the proof, the proof of your love Let my love look like you and what you're made of Lord, teach me to love like you - teach me to love with the love you have given to me.

God Doesn't Think Like We Do

This evening something happened that caused my feelings to get hurt. I was tired and sore and I most likely over-reacted (contain your shock) but I was hurt nonetheless. I cried for just awhile, but I know to take these things to the Lord. When I did, I asked Him why He allows me to go through this. It was not the first time and I am sure He had a lesson for me - and it's a lesson I would like to master so it can stop occuring! As I was praying I heard a the voice of one of dear friends in my head. The voice said: "God doesn't think like we do". I smiled just thinking of my friend and the words calmed me down. So I asked the Lord to give me His perspective on the situation. I felt the Lord say that just as He doesn't think the way I do, other people think differently than I do also. Whether consciously or not, we tend to think that people think like us. We put expectations on them based on our thought process (not theirs) and when those expectations are not met, we get hurt. I trust the heart of God. Therefore, when He sends something my way that I don't understand, I know He means no ill toward me. I think the same goes with those who are close to us. Their heart is good toward us - even if circumstances look different. I appreciate two things about this evening's lesson. First, at my time of need God was there. I called to Him and He answered me. He calmed me first, then He taught me in His loving Fatherly way. Second, the method He used was the words of my wise and Godly friends. I am so grateful that I have chosen friends who are more mature in the Lord than I am. Even in casual chatting, their wisdom is shared with me and God uses it when it's needed. So what started out as hurt, ended in a double blessing. And I am doubly grateful.

Spiritual Anemia

It's been a few weeks since I have written my last blog post. I usually write these posts after I have spent time with the Lord because I typically share what He is showing me. Unfortunately, I haven't spent that good, quality time with the Lord in awhile. I did not intentionally stop spending time with Him. So this morning I examined myself to see when and why I broke the habit of my quiet time. As you know, in early April, several trials hit me at once. Those trials forced me to the foot of cross because I had nowhere else to go. Being unemployed, I spent a ton of time with the Lord each day. I sought Him for peace and for the answers to my issues. Even though it was a very dark time for me, I felt His Presence so close - like never before. So what happened? Slowly but surely, circumstances turned around. I recovered two out of three of my major losses. Things started to look up again - and I stopped. I stopped looking up. Instead of throwing myself at the foot of cross every day, I threw myself into life. Nothing wrong, nothing bad - just busy with this, that and the next thing. I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish before heading back to work and I had people I wanted to spend time with before I got too busy again. For the past two weeks, I got out of bed and started running - just do, do, do. Slowly, I started to notice that while circumstances were favorable, something was not "quite right" with me inside. During worship on Sundays, I felt distant from God. (duh) I noticed that I was getting short with people in the grocery store or on the road. What was wrong with me? The Scripture tells us that He must increase and we must decrease. The only way for Him to increase in us is for us to spend time with Him. When we don't, the opposite happens, we increase and He decreases. The result is spiritual anemia. Obviously, it doesn't have to be this way. I think when circumstances are favorable, I just need more discipline to stay in the Word. I need to deliberately seek Him even when all seems to be well. I need to keep Jesus first in my mind and in my heart and not allow life (even the good parts) to put Him on the back burner. I am thankful for the trials that came into my life because they allowed me to experience a deeper intimacy and closeness with the Lord. At the same time, I am praying that I don't need Him to send any more trials in order to get my attention. With a new job and going back to college in the fall, I am going to be busier than ever. In that busyness, I must make time with the Lord a priority. Its only when I am spiritually healthy that I can be healthy in all the other ways. I am going to be meeting new people - new co-workers and classmates - I want them to see Jesus in me, not Raquel, and that can only happen when I stay focused on Him.

Jesus Held His Peace

One of the lessons God is teaching me during this time of trial is how to suffer well. I obviously did not sign up for this course! Nonetheless, God keeps bringing it to me time and time again and I bet He will continue until my thick head really gets it. Yesterday morning I was having my weekly chat with my spiritual mentor and like always she saw straight through me. She knew that I had been deeply hurt by someone very close to me and I have been struggling to forgive this person. In fact, I thought I had forgiven this person, but I kept rehashing what they had done to me and I would get upset each time. So I realized I had to come to a place of genuine forgiveness and I had to give this hurt to the Lord and not be upset about it anymore. So this morning during my time with the Lord, I asked His forgiveness and asked Him to help me forgive. He answered. I began my Bible study that I am doing on I Peter and don't you know today's lesson was about learning to suffer well like Jesus did. It talked about how He "held His peace" and gave the hurt and suffering to God who judges justly. The author managed to put it in poem form for us: The day when Jesus stood alone And felt the hearts of men like stone And knew He came but to atone That day He held His peace They witnessed falsely to His Word They bound Him with a cruel cord And mockingly proclaimed Him Lord But Jesus held His peace They spat upon Him in the face They dragged Him on from place to place They heaped upon Him all disgrace But Jesus held His peace My friend, have you for far much less, With rage, which you call righteousness Resented slights with great distress? Your Savior held His peace Wow. What can I add to that? Jesus is our example of how to endure suffering and hurt. He trusted that His Father would take care of it in His time and in His way. This morning I prayed that this Word would take deep root in me. The last thing I want to do it read it, blog about it, and forget it. We are on this journey to become more like Jesus until we see Him face to face. He's not letting me out of this part!

Two Way Trust

This morning begins week six of my unemployment. I have resumes in so many places I have lost track of them all. When I woke up, grabbed my coffee, and went to spend time with the Lord, one of my first prayers was asking Him to please let the phone ring today. Please, Lord, give me one interview. He gently reminded me to trust Him and I began my time in His Word. I am doing a study on I Peter, but I am also reading in a chronological Bible. This morning's reading was the book of Job. I've read the book of Job many times, but the beauty of God's Word is that He always brings something fresh from it. So this morning as I read about God giving Satan permission to strike all of Job's possessions, including the lives of His children, I realized something: not only did Job trust God, God trusted Job. When the Lord said to Satan: "have you considered my servant Job..." God knew that Job would continue to trust and serve Him no matter what tragedy he endured. In a good way, it made me feel small. Here I am learning and trying to trust God. I wonder if sometimes the angels laugh at me or shake their heads in disbelief. I imagine them speaking to each other saying "Look at her -trying to trust our good and perfect Father". While trusting the Lord is a good and necessary thing, I think it is more remarkable to become a person who God can trust. In Job 1:20, after Job heard that his children had all been killed, it says he tore his robe and shaved his head. In that day, these were signs of mourning. Of course Job was grieved and devastated to lose all of his children. However, the Bible tells us that he tore his robe, shaved his head, and fell to the ground IN WORSHIP. As I considered this, it began to make more and more sense to me. Job was not expected to be happy about his losses. He did grieve and suffer. However, his grieving and suffering were in response to the circumstances. His response to God was worship - the same worship he gave when everything was good. Verse 22 tells us that in all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing. So now for the application. Yesterday Pastor Kent said in his sermon that if we hear the Word but do not obey (or apply) it, it equals nothing. I do not want my time spent in the Word this morning to amount to nothing so I need to contemplate how to apply this to my life. Last month, when I was hit with several painful losses in a short span of time, I knew better than to charge God with wrongdoing. However, my response was to ask Him why these things occurred. My response was not worship. I have spent these past six weeks learning to trust God more and more and while I do believe that is one of God's purposes for this season of my life, I am faced with a new goal: becoming a person who God can trust.

Seek Ye First...

When I was a child I didn't always listen to my Mother. I know, contain your shock. One of the things she used to say to me all the time was: "Raquel, do you think I talk just to hear myself?" I think God has the right to ask us the same question. I say that based on a "duh" moment I had this morning. Yesterday morning, it was my intention to wake up and spend my time with the Lord before beginning the days tasks. However, when I woke up I was still groggy and didn't want to get out of bed yet. So I asked my sister to give me her laptop and I stayed in bed playing on the computer for about an hour. I was still thinking that spending time with the Lord was next. After the computer, I wanted to get my shower. So I did, still thinking time with the Lord was next. After the shower, I remembered I had laundry that needed done and I needed to get quarters. So I ran out to do that and stopped at Dunkin Donuts for breakfast. When I arrived back home, I intended to put a load in the washer, then grab my Bible. Well, my sister needed a ride to work. One task lead to another and before I knew it I was on my way to Wexford for a 1pm lunch appointment. I did manage to sneak a peek at my devotional book - at 4pm! I didn't seek the Lord first, and I ended up not seeking Him at all. So this morning I was determined not to do that again. I got up, grabbed my coffee (at home, not Dunkin Donuts) and got into the Word. And guess what... He spoke to me with specifics for my day. Imagine that! I bet He wanted to do the same thing yesterday. I guess that's why His Word tells us to seek first, because if we don't seek first, we won't seek at all. It was then I was reminded of my Mother's voice asking me if I think she talks just to hear herself. Whether consciously or not, I wonder how often we think that God speaks the precepts in His Word because He is on an authority high. Does He give us these rules and lists of do's and don't because He has the power and authority? Nope. He gives them because He loves us and cares for us. Any good parent tells their child to not touch a hot stove or to make sure they brush their teeth. They do that for the child's well being. God is a perfect parent. When He tells us to seek Him first, it's not so that He has a better day, it is so that we do.

Eyes to See

Remember the show Touched By An Angel? When it was on primetime television, I watched it all the time. I thought some episodes were great, while others were a little cheesy. However, there was one episode that will stick with me forever - the series finale. When the series was coming to an end, they aired a two hour finale titled I Will Walk With You. The first time I saw it I not only cried like a baby (no surprise there) but the hair on my arms was standing up and I had chills down my spine. Well, thanks to Netflix, I watched it again this weekend. I won't tell the whole story, but there was town whose people were devastated by a terrible tradegy. As they struggled to deal with their pain and loss, both as individuals and as a community, their eyes had become blinded. All they saw was their own circumstance and their own pain. The scary thing was Satan himself was actually among them. He walked with them and talked with them. He lied and caused division among them because that's what he does. The people could not see him because all they saw was their own mess. As scary as that was, it was scary and sad to note what else they couldn't see: Jesus. Jesus was right there with them and they didn't know. In fact, they started seeing Jesus as the cause of their problems, not the solution. (The writers must have read Scripture before writing this episode). So I watched it again. I was amazed. I cried. I got chills. And I fell into the same trap. We fall so easily. Our circumstances become all we see. I wonder how many times I have missed the presence of the Lord in the midst of difficult circumstances. And I wonder how many times the enemy was at work and I thought it was other people. Oh for eyes to see. In the devotional I am reading, it says we can let our problems bring us down into a sea of self-pity. On the contrary, we can turn our problems into a ladder and climb up and see things from the Lord's perspective. I need that divine enablement to do just that.

Choosing Busyness

It's Thursday morning and though I hate to admit it, this is the first morning this week that I have spent time with the Lord. Oh I have prayed and I have glanced at my devotional book - sometimes at the end of the day - but I have not spent the quality time with the Lord that I need until this morning. I have felt it. I have felt the difference in my spirit which eventuallys flows through to my words and actions and emotions. So why did I allow this to happen? Let's see... Monday and Tuesday I overslept and had to run to scheduled events of the day. Yesterday, I woke up and notice a problem and rushed off to take care of the problem and then into the other events of the day. Last night as I realized "how busy" I have been this week, I realized that I was not a victim of busyness. I was a victim of my poor choices. Christians are famous for making themselves victims of busyness. Sometimes, we get so busy doing the Lord's work that we forget the Lord. Other times, we get busy and forget the Lord's priorities. The Lord always prioritizes the eternal over the temporal. So what is eternal? Only two things - our relationships with God and our relationships with other people. Those are the only two things that will matter for all of eternity. Yet when we get busy, those are the two things that we forsake. Now don't get me wrong... everyone today is busy. My to-do list today is long and what is on it does need to be done. However, nothing on that list is more important than the Lord or the people He puts in my path. Am I rushing from one task to the next and not noticing the hurt in someone's eyes as I rush by them? Have I filled my day so full that I have not five minutes to call, email, or text a friend who is going through a rough time and simply check on them? You know, when I was in Bible College I heard an acronym for busy: Being Under Satan's Yoke. While there is some truth to that, I think most of the time we are under the yoke we have chosen to place on ourselves. This is simply not God's way for us to live because when we choose to live this way, we end up hurting ourselves and sometimes other people. I have definitely hurt myself this week and have possibly hurt some others. I think if we allow ourselves to become too busy for God and other people, we are simply too busy. However, we are not victims of our busyness, we are victims of our choices. So this morning as I spent my time with the Lord, I've brought my to-do list before Him. I'm allowing Him to show me what His priorities are for my day. After arranging my to-do list according to what He showed me, He leaves me with this: Keep my eyes focused on Him while I do these tasks, and keep my eyes open for the people He puts in my path. His ways are always so much better than ours. :)

Discipleship

Back in 1988 when I accepted Jesus as my personal Savior and began to walk in relationship with Him, I was blessed to be a part of the church that excelled in Biblical teaching. I was given in-depth teaching about core doctrine. After those first principles were instilled, the teaching continued to build. One of things they taught me that has stuck with me through the years is the importance of having a Christian mentor - someone who is spiritually older and wiser and has been walking with the Lord longer. Scripture is full of verses about the importance of spiritual leaders as well as many examples of Biblical characters who have mentored and were mentored. Throughout my Christian life, God has always been faithful to provide me with one no matter where I have gone. The funny thing is that I have never sought them out - the Lord has just made it happen. When I went to Bible College, I found Ann Marie who was my supervisor at Burger King. She poured into me during my two years there and stayed in touch when I returned home until she went to be with Jesus a few years ago. When I returned to Pittsburgh and to my home church, I found a new pastor had been hired and he became mentor for many years before moving on to Orchard Hill Church. When I came to North Way in 2007, God supplied me with a faithful mentor who has stood by me for the past five years. While I did not purposely seek out these folks, God hand-picked them for me for that season. Once I began to mature spiritually, one of my mentors told me it was time to start serving and mentoring others. This is discipleship. The Bible tells us to go and make disciples, not converts. Nowhere in Scripture does it talk about getting saved and then being on your own. We are meant to disciple and to be discipled until we see Jesus face to face and are made complete. I am thankful that I learned this foundational truth early on, and God has provided for me ever since. I pray He makes me as good of discipler as the folks He has given me.

Not in Our Strength

Last night I attended Family Guidance's annual Volunteer Appreciation Banquet. The President of Family Guidance opened in prayer and said that we were in a room filled with like-minded and like-hearted people. We really were. The Lord blessed me by sitting me in between Joanne, my fearless mentoring supervisor, and Chad and Kristin - two of my heros in the faith. The Lord always speaks to me during these banquets and this year was no exception. Even though I see my mentee almost every week, I had lost my fire and passion for mentoring. It had just grown stale. Sometimes, I felt like I was just punching a clock when I picked her up. Not that anything is wrong in our relationship, I just get tired and I have found that tiredness breeds self-centeredness. The speaker last night talked about being tired (of course). She spoke about wanting time for herself and wanting some privacy and just losing the zeal for ministry. She encouraged us by reminding us that this is where God comes in. Mentoring is His ministry that He has called us to, therefore, He will equip us and give us the power to mentor when our power runs low. She encouraged us to pray and invited God into our mentoring. The Bible says that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. So when I am feeling weak and just want to spend a Saturday afternoon on my couch, I can pray for His power to give me the will and the strength to keep on in His work. So this morning I am getting ready to pick up my mentee. I began the morning in prayer and I am confident that God is equipping me to pour into my girl for a few hours. And if I know my Savior, I will end up being more blessed than my mentee in the end!

Consider it pure joy....

The North Way ladies who participate in the Beth Moore studies just finished a study on the book of James. James starts out by telling his readers: "Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Many folks know that I am in a season of darkness, trial, and loss. I have rehearsed this Scripture and quoted it to myself many times. I am cool with allowing perseverance to finish its work. I am looking forward to being mature and complete one day. But "consider it joy"??? Yeah, I'll get right on that! Admittedly, I have never really understood that Scripture. I have also read stories of people like Corrie Ten Boom who thanked God for the trials and pain she faced. I truthfully thought that goal was unattainable for me - like I might run in the Pittsburgh Marathon first! Yesterday afternoon more pain came for me. As I sat on my couch and cried, I wondered how much more pain I would have to endure - and how in the world I was supposed to be thankful for it. Well, James also tells us that if anyone lacks wisdom, they should ask for it. So I did, and I received. Through conversations and events that unfolded yesterday afternoon and evening, God began to show me a more in-depth look at His heart and His love for His people. He showed me how we (and more specifically I) cause Him pain daily. He wants to pour out His love and care on us, yet we ignore Him and seek blessing in other places. We say we love Him and He is our Lord, yet we get too busy for Him. We act like spending time with Him is a chore, not a joy. But all the while, God just keeps on loving us. He keeps on caring no matter how much pain we cause Him. He never turns His back on us. He never gives up on us when we wander away. He forgives us when our mouths tell Him one thing, and our actions speak otherwise. None of this changes Him or how He loves us. He loves unconditionally, and even loves through His pain - as we witnessed on the cross. I saw this in a new and deeper way yesterday. It changed me. Last night I realized that I never would have seen this if it weren't for the pain in my own life. God had to bring me pain to show me His pain - and therefore show me His deep love for us. Does my heart still hurt? Yes. But I am also filled with such joy. God allowed me to see more of Him and know Him deeper. If this is what I get when life's trials come... then I really can consider it pure joy. Nothing brings me more joy than the heart of my Savior - and if it takes pain to open my eyes... than I am thankful for the pain.

Unexpected Blessings

Yesterday I learned another valuable lesson in humility and trust. I was invited to lunch by a fellow deacon. I know this person and have always liked her, but I hesitated to go to lunch with her. I have been so down in the dumps lately and when I get like that I tend to only want to be around those closest to me. The only problem I was having is that those closest to me where nowhere to be found. Admittedly, my pride was in the way. I knew this person would ask some personal questions and I was ashamed to talked about them. Knowing that pride and shame are not things that belong in the heart of a believer, I accepted her invitation. I ended up being blessed far beyond what I ever could have imagined. Not only did I receive a huge material blessing, but worth far more I received the gift of her understanding and empathy. When I told her of three huge personal losses I have suffered in a short period of time, she totally understood how devasting it was for me. Until that lunch, I have yet to find someone who could articulate their understanding of my pain. It brought a comfort that I can't even fully explain. So what's the lesson? During this season of trial and loss, I knew God would take care of me. I knew He would provide for me and support me with care. However, I had it all figured out as to how He would bring the blessing. I assumed (yes, I know what they say about that) that God would use those closest to me to care for me. However, God intended to bring my blessing through an unexpected vessel. It left me wondering... how many other people did I shut out because they weren't in my inner circle? How much blessing did I miss out on? On Sunday, Pastor Doug spoke of waking up early and asking God what He would like us to do with our day. Maybe, if I had done that, I would have received what He had for me, however He wanted to deliver it. Instead, I wasted time looking at closed doors and lamenting the closures. I think this is another way that we unknowningly play god in our own lives. We plan, design, assume, and sculpt the days events and simply ask for His blessing. When we truly allow God to be God and ordain our every moment - we receive far more than we ever could have planned for ourselves. I pray this is a lesson that I won't need taught again!

Maturing in Worship

Since hearing one of the best sermons ever on Sunday, I have continued to ponder and pray about how to apply the message to my walk with the Lord. Specifically, when Pastor Doug spoke of the angel telling Joshua to take off his shoes because he was on holy ground, he explained that perhaps we do not hear from God because we need to mature in our worship. The other points of the sermon were easier to apply. I had to pray and ask the Lord what maturing in worship means for me. I am certain it meant more than worshipping barefoot! So for two days I have asked the Lord how I can mature in my worship. This morning in my quiet time I got my answer. It wasn't an easy one, but it was the answer - and God even confirmed it when I read my devotional book an hour later. You see, I have always considered myself a worshipper. I worship wholeheartedly in church. My car is often a sanctuary on wheels, and when I am home alone I often put on youtube worship videos. So, that makes me a worshipper, right? NOT! What God showed me this morning is that it is easy to worship with the music to stimulate the senses. I mean, who doesn't worship with Rob Burkey's powerful voice filling the room or with Chris Tomlin blaring on the radio? Yesterday, I went for a drive and watched the sunset. It was beautiful and I put in North Way's Worship CD and began to worship - because my eyes and ears were stimulated and worship was a natural response. But what happens when the music stops? How much do I worship when I am not looking at a sunset but staring at a stack of problems? When I am no longer in a room full of fellow worshippers but all alone at home, does the worship continue? Not always. God showed me that maturing in worship means to keep your heart in an attitude of worship all the time. It means worshipping Him when a job lead falls through. It means worshipping Him when your heart gets broken and you don't understand why. It means worshipping Him when the friends who promised to stand with you are nowhere to be found. Worship is an act of recogizing God for who He is and where He stands. He is above all. He is in control of all things. And He loves us more than we can imagine and He wants good for us even when life seems to be falling apart. Keeping my heart in an attitude of worship is the next step in maturity for me. I'm thankful I heard God on this one.

Sunday's Service

This past Sunday was one of those services that seemed like every aspect was designed just for me. It was the first time that I had heard Kassi's song "Answer Me" and the words to the song depicted exactly where I am in my walk with the Lord. On April 3rd, I unexpectedly lost my job. This was followed by two personal losses that continue to be very painful. I have spent the past few weeks trying to hear from God. I obviously needed guidance on my job search and what He has next for me. I also needed to hear from God on how to get through the pain of losing what was precious and dear to me. For the past two weeks, I have been fully aware the God has not forsaken me and that His presence is with me. However, hearing Him on the specifics just was not happening. As I sat in the service on Sunday though, God could not have spoken more clearly with audible voice. Wouldn't you know... the sermon was on the subject of Hearing God - and Pastor Doug knocked it out of the park! More to follow...

I'm Back!

I began to blog in 2010, but I had to stop when I was informed that having a blog was against company rules where I worked. I lost my job two weeks ago and it just hit me this morning that I can blog once again!