My heart is heavy today. I am thinking about two of my friends. These people have already endured more grief and pain than any human should ever have to bear, and now life finds them in yet another difficult situation.
Yet even with a sad and heavy heart, my face shows a little smile when I think about the journey I have had with Jesus. I think about the reactions I would have had earlier in my Christian walk and I think about the life lessons He has taught me that now cause me to respond differently.
See I would normally have one of two reactions: I would be angry with God or I would question Him. My prayer might have been something like "Lord, are you nuts?" or "why can't you spread the sorrow around more evenly - some folks seem to get more than others".
I have two funny stories that have helped me to not react like this. The first happened approximately 8 years ago. I had brought my young cousins to church with me. The boy was around 9 and his twin sisters were 3 or 4. After church we were all walking to my car when one of twins decided she wanted to run away - out towards the middle of a busy street! I screamed for her and tried to run but with 7 knee surgeries I don't run very well. Thankfully, her brother ran after her and tackled her to the ground inches short of a car trying to avoid hitting her. Well, let's just say I took that girl and applied the Board of Education to the Seat of Learning. (I bet you are waiting for the funny part...) The funny part was after I had gotten the disciplined one into her car seat, her twin sister came up to me and she was so angry with me. She had one hand on her hip and was point a finger at me yelling "you made Bonnie cry". I had to snicker. This girl stood right above my knees - and was telling me off. She was so mad and she was telling me all about it. It was all I could do to crack up at the absurdity of it - until I heard that still, small voice saying "looks silly, huh?" So.... that's what I look like when I yell at God. Thankfully, He sees me the same way I saw my 3 year old cousin. I wasn't angry with her - in fact I admired her defense of her sister. I understood her heart, but knew she was too young to understand. I think God understands our hearts, and knows we are too human to understand.
So I typically don't get angry with God anymore. The questioning God part can still be difficult sometimes. I don't mean to question Him in a sassy sort of way. I just long to understand. I wish I knew His logic, His thinking, His reasoning.... oh I better be careful. Someone else wanted to be like God and that desire caused His permanent demise. However, I do think its natural for us to try to make sense of things. We want to understand why things happen. We want life to be logical and we want reasons and answers for things. Unfortunately, many times there are no answers. We waste energy when we try to make things add up, they just don't.
One day, I was talking with another friend who had been through what I believe is the worse pain a person can go through. She was trying to find answers, to bring the logic to the situation. While we were talking, we were walking into a grocery store and I noticed an ant on the ground. I made the analogy of the ant trying to make sense out of what we were doing. What if the ant tried to determine why we brought ice cream instead of candy bars. We kinda got silly with it, but I said told her to be ready, because when we were done shopping, the ant was going to ask us why we shopped the way we did. Silly, right? Exactly. Humans trying to figure God out is like an ant asking us why we shopped the way we did. Absurd.
But again, God's tender heart doesnt mind our questions. He allows us to come to Him with all our messed up thoughts, questions, emotions. We can come as we are and lay our burdens before Him and we will find that He lovingly takes them from us. No, He doesn't change our circumstances typically. God is not a genie in a lamp. But He is a loving Father and His heart breaks when ours does.
So now, on days like today when I am sad, when my thoughts are with my friends and I hate the fact that I can do nothing but keep them in prayer... I don't become angry with God, I don't question Him, I run to Him. And when I run to Him, He comforts me. He reminds me that sin, sickness, and death were never His idea. He had plan perfection for us. We messed it up in the Garden of Eden and have been messing it up ever since. But He is a Redeemer and His redemptive power is so much greater than our sin and its consequences.
As I give Him my concerns and trust my friends to His care, He reminds me that there will be a day when His original intention will become reality. Revelation 21:4 tells us that He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
Christian singer and songwriter Jeremy Camp wrote about that day...
I can?t wait until that day where the very one
I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
O, this is why, this is why I sing
There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
I am so grateful to know the Lord. And I will keep running to Him - until that day when I run into His arms, and stay there. :)
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Processing ReCall
Last Thursday, Friday, and through the weekend my church had an event they labeled "Recall". When they announced it in the late Fall, I was so excited. It was going to resemble the "conventions" we had in the 90s. All I knew is I was down for three consecutive days of worship and the Word. I had been eagerly anticipating Recall for months. Little did I know that the week prior to the event would be one of hardest weeks ever. I can't go into detail, but the week hit me so hard that for a few days I wondered if I would ever walk through the doors of my church again. I got so wrapped up in my circumstances and my feelings - thinking about it in retrospect repulses me. Nonetheless, up until last Thursday, the first day of the event, I was unsure I was going. Several folks had asked me if I was going and I responded that I was unsure. I truly didn't want to go. But God is so good even when I am not. Shortly before the end of the work day, my best friend sent me a text and asked me if I was going. She said her and husband would save a seat for me. I hadn't seen my best friend in weeks and I knew that was God's way of making sure I attended.
The first night was a tug of war. I loved the sweet worship, but I couldn't let go of my personal struggle. At the end they had a time of worship and prayer and those who wanted to step forward for prayer could do so. I didn't. I stayed right where I was and tried to worship. My mentor and her husband (he is an elder) were down front praying for people. I looked at them a time or two, but I was not moving. I was looking down at the floor and talking to the Lord. Well, my mentor came to me. She said a few words that resonated deeply - I knew it was the Lord. It usually is when she speaks. What spoke even more deeply was the fact that when I would not budge, she came to me. It was another way the Lord was showing me that He pursues me. He wants a deep intimate relationship with me even when I am at my worst. So I talked to the Lord during my drive home and He showed me an error in my thought processes. (You're probably thinking... just one?) The Lord's correction was not harsh. As usual it was kind and it freed me. It freed me to let go of my issues and truly worship.
So on Friday at ReCall I was feeling much better and totally engaged. Worship was sweeter than words and the message was great.
The service on Saturday is what changed me the most. Again, sweet worship. But Saleem Ghubril said several things that hit me. First, he said "God's love is unconditional. But intimacy with God is conditional". He is right. There is nothing I can do or not do that would make God love me more or less. However, the depth and closeness of my relationship with God depends on me.
I have been struggling to maintain my intimacy with God in my new season of life. However, I think that is the reason God has me in this season. He wants me to learn to be intimate with Him without the crutch of church or other Christian activities. It's like the show Biggest Loser. It is easy for the contestants to stick to their plan when they are on the ranch with their trainers. But when they return home and get back to life, its solely up to them to maintain their health.
These past two days have been busy. I worked 7-4 on Monday and then went to school. Today work was non-stop and when I got home and ate dinner I had to decide how to spend my time between the extra work I needed to do for my job and my school work (and blogging of course). I did a little of each.
But first I checked Facebook. Priorities you know. On Facebook, Dennis Allan had posted a blog from his wife Julia. It made me cry - both their blogs always do that to me. Reading Julia's blog is like reading the Bible with drops of emotion mixed in. (whereas my blog is emotion with drops of the Bible mixed in - lol). But a part of Julia's blog was about being so busy and caught up in the normal routines of life that you neglect to tuned yourself in to God's Spirit. When you are not walking closely with Him and staying in tune with Him, it is easy to not hear His still, small voice.
One of the other things Saleem's message did was rekindle a fire in me in regards to certain part of my life. This fire or desire of mine is a hot button issue therefore not public knowledge. My dilemma is determining if my desire is the Lord's desire for me, or just my desire. I will never figure that out if I don't prioritize intimacy with Him. I have heard many people say that the Lord will not tell you what to do until you are doing what He has already told you to do.
Saleem mentioned what God has told each of us to do. Its found in Micah 6:8. "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
ReCall lived up to its name. I have been re-called. Not called to something new - but re-called to what I have always been called to. To act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. At work, at school, during the struggle to get it all done. I must learn to walk humbly with God, seeking intimacy in my relationship with Him while doing daily life. I have a hunch that when my walk with Him is intimate again, I will know which desires are His and which are mine.
I am grateful to my God. Grateful that when I get off the path He is faithful to pursue me - and to recall me unto Him.
The first night was a tug of war. I loved the sweet worship, but I couldn't let go of my personal struggle. At the end they had a time of worship and prayer and those who wanted to step forward for prayer could do so. I didn't. I stayed right where I was and tried to worship. My mentor and her husband (he is an elder) were down front praying for people. I looked at them a time or two, but I was not moving. I was looking down at the floor and talking to the Lord. Well, my mentor came to me. She said a few words that resonated deeply - I knew it was the Lord. It usually is when she speaks. What spoke even more deeply was the fact that when I would not budge, she came to me. It was another way the Lord was showing me that He pursues me. He wants a deep intimate relationship with me even when I am at my worst. So I talked to the Lord during my drive home and He showed me an error in my thought processes. (You're probably thinking... just one?) The Lord's correction was not harsh. As usual it was kind and it freed me. It freed me to let go of my issues and truly worship.
So on Friday at ReCall I was feeling much better and totally engaged. Worship was sweeter than words and the message was great.
The service on Saturday is what changed me the most. Again, sweet worship. But Saleem Ghubril said several things that hit me. First, he said "God's love is unconditional. But intimacy with God is conditional". He is right. There is nothing I can do or not do that would make God love me more or less. However, the depth and closeness of my relationship with God depends on me.
I have been struggling to maintain my intimacy with God in my new season of life. However, I think that is the reason God has me in this season. He wants me to learn to be intimate with Him without the crutch of church or other Christian activities. It's like the show Biggest Loser. It is easy for the contestants to stick to their plan when they are on the ranch with their trainers. But when they return home and get back to life, its solely up to them to maintain their health.
These past two days have been busy. I worked 7-4 on Monday and then went to school. Today work was non-stop and when I got home and ate dinner I had to decide how to spend my time between the extra work I needed to do for my job and my school work (and blogging of course). I did a little of each.
But first I checked Facebook. Priorities you know. On Facebook, Dennis Allan had posted a blog from his wife Julia. It made me cry - both their blogs always do that to me. Reading Julia's blog is like reading the Bible with drops of emotion mixed in. (whereas my blog is emotion with drops of the Bible mixed in - lol). But a part of Julia's blog was about being so busy and caught up in the normal routines of life that you neglect to tuned yourself in to God's Spirit. When you are not walking closely with Him and staying in tune with Him, it is easy to not hear His still, small voice.
One of the other things Saleem's message did was rekindle a fire in me in regards to certain part of my life. This fire or desire of mine is a hot button issue therefore not public knowledge. My dilemma is determining if my desire is the Lord's desire for me, or just my desire. I will never figure that out if I don't prioritize intimacy with Him. I have heard many people say that the Lord will not tell you what to do until you are doing what He has already told you to do.
Saleem mentioned what God has told each of us to do. Its found in Micah 6:8. "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
ReCall lived up to its name. I have been re-called. Not called to something new - but re-called to what I have always been called to. To act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. At work, at school, during the struggle to get it all done. I must learn to walk humbly with God, seeking intimacy in my relationship with Him while doing daily life. I have a hunch that when my walk with Him is intimate again, I will know which desires are His and which are mine.
I am grateful to my God. Grateful that when I get off the path He is faithful to pursue me - and to recall me unto Him.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Insult to Injury and Words that Heal
Yesterday was not a good day. It was not tragic. It was not a crisis. To most people it was no big deal. But it was disappointing day for me. Psalm 13:12 says "hope deferred makes the heart sick...". That is where I was yesterday.
The day started just fine. I slept till 9 am, made Graham Cracker flavored coffee and planned to spend the day doing homework until it was time to go to church.
My mom came over and we started talking about the fact that I was hoping to move in June when my lease is up. What most folks don't know is that I have been rebuilding my credit and financial life that I destroyed in my late twenties. I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and I have been making great progress, but I have not yet arrived at my goal. My point in stating this is that I do not yet qualify for a mortgage.
Most folks also do not know that I have had my heart set on a particular house. I have not told many people because their theological views do not match mine. But this house has been on the market for quite some time and I was really hoping to be eligible for a mortgage soon and get this house. Well, yesterday while I was talking to my mom about it - I pulled up the website to show her the pictures and saw the words "sale pending".
To make this disappointment worse, there was no one I could talk to about it that would empathize. Most folks would rejoice. My mom rejoiced. My male friend said "so". I knew my mentor would tell me "then its not God's will for you". Proverbs 14:10 - "each heart shares its own bitterness and no one can share its joy".
I flopped on my bed and sobbed like a junior high schooler who got dumped at the dance. The house in and of itself was not that huge. But it made me feel like God has said no to every single dream I have had. Marriage - no. Motherhood - no. Full time ministry - no. Colorado - no. (or at least not now) The house - no. God - can I just have ONE thing I desire? Just one? I never had a dream of climbing the corporate ladder or pursuing excellence in academia. Why can't I have at least just one dream come true?
Oh well. I spent time having my pity party and now it was back to homework. As I sat back down at my desk I realized I still had Facebook open. Someone had posted about the wonderful Lamp Mentors Meeting going on. One that I was missing so that I could get homework done. This was a special meeting. It was hosted at North Way Oakland. Pastor Freedom shared his personal testimony which I would have LOVED to hear. Pastor Doug spoke encouragement to the mentors. Lunch was catered. I was at home drawing Venn Diagrams. Really? Now, I could have gone. However, today is the day that I actually spend time with my mentee Rashawnda. My choice was to cancel her or miss the meeting. It made no sense at all to cancel time with my mentee to attend a mentoring meeting.
So I kept at the homework until it was time for church. Driving to church I was excited and expected the service to be comforting and uplifting. Well, the worship was. The sermon was insult to injury. Now just to clarify... Doug did a fantastic job with the message and I agree with everything that was said. It was just another thing that God has said "no" on. He kept talking about "God's Design". He was 100% correct. I just felt permanently excluded from "God's Design".
Every time I tried to pick myself up - something else hit.
Even when I am emotional, I know that emotions are rarely indictative of reality. So I prayed and asked the Lord to help me to rise above my disappointment and see things through His eyes. Well, the Lord sent His encouragement from an unexpected source. I had emailed the members of the Lamp Leadership team in case Pastor Bryan had forgotten to tell them that I had to step down. I told them about my accelerated degree program at Carlow and how the homework left me little time for much else. One person responded to my email. Mark Zaberiak wrote and said:
"Of course you were missed, but we muddled through anyway.... What you are doing is brave and, I'm sure, scary at times. Remember Nehemiah's response to the invitation to meet on the plains of Ono: "I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down". Keep doing your great work at Carlow, and we'll save a seat for you."
Mark's email was not only kind and encouraging, but it brought exactly what I needed - a Scriptural application to my current circumstance. My Beth Moore Bible study ladies just studied Nehemiah last summer so I am well familiar with the story. Nehemiah was so focused on what God and told Him to do, that he allowed NO distractions - not even "good things".
That email was like Neosporin on a cut - bringing closure to a day of open wounds.
It gave me the ability to smile through the disappointments and keep going.
I love that God didn't use one of my close girlfriends. He used a male member of my LAMP team who didnt even know about my struggle in the other areas. In doing so, I knew that encouragement came from God and Mark was just the vessel. Thanks Mark for being that vessel. Proverbs 12:8 and Proverbs 15:4 both say that the tongue of the wise brings healing. Thankful that I was a recipient of that yesterday.
The day started just fine. I slept till 9 am, made Graham Cracker flavored coffee and planned to spend the day doing homework until it was time to go to church.
My mom came over and we started talking about the fact that I was hoping to move in June when my lease is up. What most folks don't know is that I have been rebuilding my credit and financial life that I destroyed in my late twenties. I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and I have been making great progress, but I have not yet arrived at my goal. My point in stating this is that I do not yet qualify for a mortgage.
Most folks also do not know that I have had my heart set on a particular house. I have not told many people because their theological views do not match mine. But this house has been on the market for quite some time and I was really hoping to be eligible for a mortgage soon and get this house. Well, yesterday while I was talking to my mom about it - I pulled up the website to show her the pictures and saw the words "sale pending".
To make this disappointment worse, there was no one I could talk to about it that would empathize. Most folks would rejoice. My mom rejoiced. My male friend said "so". I knew my mentor would tell me "then its not God's will for you". Proverbs 14:10 - "each heart shares its own bitterness and no one can share its joy".
I flopped on my bed and sobbed like a junior high schooler who got dumped at the dance. The house in and of itself was not that huge. But it made me feel like God has said no to every single dream I have had. Marriage - no. Motherhood - no. Full time ministry - no. Colorado - no. (or at least not now) The house - no. God - can I just have ONE thing I desire? Just one? I never had a dream of climbing the corporate ladder or pursuing excellence in academia. Why can't I have at least just one dream come true?
Oh well. I spent time having my pity party and now it was back to homework. As I sat back down at my desk I realized I still had Facebook open. Someone had posted about the wonderful Lamp Mentors Meeting going on. One that I was missing so that I could get homework done. This was a special meeting. It was hosted at North Way Oakland. Pastor Freedom shared his personal testimony which I would have LOVED to hear. Pastor Doug spoke encouragement to the mentors. Lunch was catered. I was at home drawing Venn Diagrams. Really? Now, I could have gone. However, today is the day that I actually spend time with my mentee Rashawnda. My choice was to cancel her or miss the meeting. It made no sense at all to cancel time with my mentee to attend a mentoring meeting.
So I kept at the homework until it was time for church. Driving to church I was excited and expected the service to be comforting and uplifting. Well, the worship was. The sermon was insult to injury. Now just to clarify... Doug did a fantastic job with the message and I agree with everything that was said. It was just another thing that God has said "no" on. He kept talking about "God's Design". He was 100% correct. I just felt permanently excluded from "God's Design".
Every time I tried to pick myself up - something else hit.
Even when I am emotional, I know that emotions are rarely indictative of reality. So I prayed and asked the Lord to help me to rise above my disappointment and see things through His eyes. Well, the Lord sent His encouragement from an unexpected source. I had emailed the members of the Lamp Leadership team in case Pastor Bryan had forgotten to tell them that I had to step down. I told them about my accelerated degree program at Carlow and how the homework left me little time for much else. One person responded to my email. Mark Zaberiak wrote and said:
"Of course you were missed, but we muddled through anyway.... What you are doing is brave and, I'm sure, scary at times. Remember Nehemiah's response to the invitation to meet on the plains of Ono: "I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down". Keep doing your great work at Carlow, and we'll save a seat for you."
Mark's email was not only kind and encouraging, but it brought exactly what I needed - a Scriptural application to my current circumstance. My Beth Moore Bible study ladies just studied Nehemiah last summer so I am well familiar with the story. Nehemiah was so focused on what God and told Him to do, that he allowed NO distractions - not even "good things".
That email was like Neosporin on a cut - bringing closure to a day of open wounds.
It gave me the ability to smile through the disappointments and keep going.
I love that God didn't use one of my close girlfriends. He used a male member of my LAMP team who didnt even know about my struggle in the other areas. In doing so, I knew that encouragement came from God and Mark was just the vessel. Thanks Mark for being that vessel. Proverbs 12:8 and Proverbs 15:4 both say that the tongue of the wise brings healing. Thankful that I was a recipient of that yesterday.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Spiritual Malnutrition
Well it happened. The exact thing I was concerned would happen, happened. As usual, I have no one to blame but myself, especially since I saw it coming.
I was cranky this week. I was just feeling kind of blah and mediocre. I was just going through the motions like a robot. When I lose passion, I become cranky. The timing was horrible. It was the week that my supervisor was in town. I am sure my crankiness went well with the snow and cold for my favorite Floridian. (Actually, I think her kids are my favorite Floridians, but we'll call it a package deal).
Speaking of snow, my thoughts had a snowball effect this week. I went from mediocre, to blah, to cranky.... when I allow myself to get into that place my thoughts just go awry. The insecurity that I can typically managed with a good dose of the Word of God and the encouragement of friends, flares up like a wild fire. I become more sensitive than usual and allow things to affect me that I know I shouldn't. For instance, since my team members are located all over the globe, one teammate decided to email everyone a picture of her family. The other two team members quickly followed. So Raquel sees email # 1 - husband, kids. Here comes email #2 - husband, kids. Three is a charm - email # 3 - husband, kids. Even our resource in India joined in - with a husband but no kids. I knew no one else was thinking like I was thinking - but my Achilles heal was hit. The suggestion was made that I email a picture of my cats. Yeah - right after I email a picture of my weight on the scale and list of my past sins.
Am I being ridiculous? Absolutely. So how did I let this happen? Well, you have all heard the overused cliche "seven days without prayer makes one weak". It is overused. It is cliche. And its absolutely true.
Though I have said "quick prayers" throughout the week, I havent spent quality time with the Lord since last Sunday. My prayers were what I call "Vending Machine Prayers". You say a little prayer and out comes a blessing or a help for you or someone you care about. It amazes me that God still honors vending machine prayers from someone who knows better. I left religion almost 25 years ago. I have a relationship with Jesus and its the most important relationship I have. Imagine a married couple that did not communicate for 7 days except to ask for help or favors.
I'm not trying to be overly dramatic or awfulize things here. If I oversleep one day and don't get time with the Lord, I don't think it's a huge deal or a sin. It doesn't make me a bad Christian. But making a habit of it makes me a weak one.
However, I don't recognize it when I am in the middle of it. I knew I was cranky, but honestly I chalked it up to PMS. Thankfully, the Lord got my attention with Pastor Jay's blog. His blogs always seem to come just when I need them. His latest blog was about losing your spiritual zeal. He said it is our responsibility to maintain that zeal. He explained that the flame gets fueled in 3 ways (in order of importance)
1. Prayer and Bible reading (Time with the Lord)
2. Spending time with other Christians
3. Gathering together for corporate worship
Well corporate worship only happens once a week unless there is something special going on. (I can't wait for Recall in two weeks - 4 consequtive days of church). I do get built up by spending time with Christian friends, especially those more wise and mature than I am.
But God has me in a season where He has placed work and school as my first priorities and thus has limited all the other functions with my Christian friends that I am accustomed to. When I first felt the Lord tell me to go this direction, I thought He had lost it. Why would He want me to do that - to give up my church stuff? I am starting to see a piece of His reason for it. I think I relied too heavily on church and church activities for my spiritual nourishment. I think part of what He wants me teach me through this season is to grow up and take care of myself spiritually. That means the only way for me to stay focused on Him and His purposes for me is to be disciplined enough to spend time with Him often.
When I spend quality time alone with the Lord and then communicate with Him throughout the day, I have joy. I have peace. I have purpose. My confidence and security come from looking at Him and knowing I am right where He wants me to be. When I become lazy and undisciplined (and hit the snooze too many times in the morning), I slowly start to lose my joy and sense of purpose.
Thankfully, He loves me too much to leave me on that downward spiral. When I don't hear His still, small voice - He gives Pastor Jay the words to write in a blog. And tonight, when I logged onto Facebook, one of my teachers from Bible College had posted a video an sweet worship song. The words are simple:
You are Worthy of It All
You are Worthy of It All
For from You are All things, and to you are All things
You deserve the Glory
I didn't need North Way's sanctuary to have some sweet worship time. And in doing so I got refocused. Got my eyes off of me and back onto Him where they belong.
And I am thankful for a chance to do better next week.
I was cranky this week. I was just feeling kind of blah and mediocre. I was just going through the motions like a robot. When I lose passion, I become cranky. The timing was horrible. It was the week that my supervisor was in town. I am sure my crankiness went well with the snow and cold for my favorite Floridian. (Actually, I think her kids are my favorite Floridians, but we'll call it a package deal).
Speaking of snow, my thoughts had a snowball effect this week. I went from mediocre, to blah, to cranky.... when I allow myself to get into that place my thoughts just go awry. The insecurity that I can typically managed with a good dose of the Word of God and the encouragement of friends, flares up like a wild fire. I become more sensitive than usual and allow things to affect me that I know I shouldn't. For instance, since my team members are located all over the globe, one teammate decided to email everyone a picture of her family. The other two team members quickly followed. So Raquel sees email # 1 - husband, kids. Here comes email #2 - husband, kids. Three is a charm - email # 3 - husband, kids. Even our resource in India joined in - with a husband but no kids. I knew no one else was thinking like I was thinking - but my Achilles heal was hit. The suggestion was made that I email a picture of my cats. Yeah - right after I email a picture of my weight on the scale and list of my past sins.
Am I being ridiculous? Absolutely. So how did I let this happen? Well, you have all heard the overused cliche "seven days without prayer makes one weak". It is overused. It is cliche. And its absolutely true.
Though I have said "quick prayers" throughout the week, I havent spent quality time with the Lord since last Sunday. My prayers were what I call "Vending Machine Prayers". You say a little prayer and out comes a blessing or a help for you or someone you care about. It amazes me that God still honors vending machine prayers from someone who knows better. I left religion almost 25 years ago. I have a relationship with Jesus and its the most important relationship I have. Imagine a married couple that did not communicate for 7 days except to ask for help or favors.
I'm not trying to be overly dramatic or awfulize things here. If I oversleep one day and don't get time with the Lord, I don't think it's a huge deal or a sin. It doesn't make me a bad Christian. But making a habit of it makes me a weak one.
However, I don't recognize it when I am in the middle of it. I knew I was cranky, but honestly I chalked it up to PMS. Thankfully, the Lord got my attention with Pastor Jay's blog. His blogs always seem to come just when I need them. His latest blog was about losing your spiritual zeal. He said it is our responsibility to maintain that zeal. He explained that the flame gets fueled in 3 ways (in order of importance)
1. Prayer and Bible reading (Time with the Lord)
2. Spending time with other Christians
3. Gathering together for corporate worship
Well corporate worship only happens once a week unless there is something special going on. (I can't wait for Recall in two weeks - 4 consequtive days of church). I do get built up by spending time with Christian friends, especially those more wise and mature than I am.
But God has me in a season where He has placed work and school as my first priorities and thus has limited all the other functions with my Christian friends that I am accustomed to. When I first felt the Lord tell me to go this direction, I thought He had lost it. Why would He want me to do that - to give up my church stuff? I am starting to see a piece of His reason for it. I think I relied too heavily on church and church activities for my spiritual nourishment. I think part of what He wants me teach me through this season is to grow up and take care of myself spiritually. That means the only way for me to stay focused on Him and His purposes for me is to be disciplined enough to spend time with Him often.
When I spend quality time alone with the Lord and then communicate with Him throughout the day, I have joy. I have peace. I have purpose. My confidence and security come from looking at Him and knowing I am right where He wants me to be. When I become lazy and undisciplined (and hit the snooze too many times in the morning), I slowly start to lose my joy and sense of purpose.
Thankfully, He loves me too much to leave me on that downward spiral. When I don't hear His still, small voice - He gives Pastor Jay the words to write in a blog. And tonight, when I logged onto Facebook, one of my teachers from Bible College had posted a video an sweet worship song. The words are simple:
You are Worthy of It All
You are Worthy of It All
For from You are All things, and to you are All things
You deserve the Glory
I didn't need North Way's sanctuary to have some sweet worship time. And in doing so I got refocused. Got my eyes off of me and back onto Him where they belong.
And I am thankful for a chance to do better next week.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Martin Luther King, Jr Day
I just watched three re-runs of The Cosby Show. I know I am going to sound like I am 98 instead of 38 but I miss the days of good, funny, wholesome TV shows. The one episode I watched showed the family at their college where Claire got to lead the college choir. They sang Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God. The college didn't get sued by the ACLU. The second episode showed a family dinner, including grandparents. It sure didn't resemble an episode of Family Guy. The third episode I watched showed the family dealing with normal family issues: sibling rivalry, bad grades, etc. However, just as the family walks into their living room still squabbling, the TV is playing the speech of Martin Luther King Jr. The family stops to listen and in doing so forgets their silly struggles.
In my lifetime - and I am not THAT old - I have watched the rapid moral decline of society. In many ways, we are much worse than we were even when I was a teenager. However, this weekend I was encouraged as I heard my pastors speak on racial reconciliation from the pulpit.
With mixed emotions, it made me think of my dear friend Mo, who went to be with Jesus just a few months ago. I was sad due to missing him. I was sad that I couldn't call him and rejoice with him that decades of prayer were finally being answered. But I was happy and I was grateful. I am grateful for all he taught me.
During the years of our friendship and his spiritual mentoring, he taught me about "institutional racism". It's not the same outspoken racism like that seen in the KKK. This is a subconcious racism that is inbred in us and we don't even know it.
He would ask me questions such as: "if you are walking down the street at night and you see a guy who is poorly dressed and looks like trouble, would you be more scared if he was black?" An honest person would have to say yes. Or consider the local case of Michael Ellerbe. A 12 year old was with his friends as they attempted to steal a car. When the cops came, the boy ran. The cops shot him and killed him. Now I don't condone stealing a car. But here is a question... if Michael Ellerbe had been a blonde hair, blue eyed white boy, would the cops have been so quick to pull the trigger?
Mo used to call me out when I would unknowningly make a racist remark. I once told him that his father in law did not act like a black person. What is a black person supposed to act like? Do all white people act the same?
I am also grateful for the education Mo gave me. The education I should have received in school but did not. Mo gave me books, movies, documentaries, and music that taught me what my high school history class should have. Oh I learned about Martin Luther King, Jr. I learned about Rosa Parks. But it stopped there. Why didn't my teacher tell me about Emmitt Till? A young black boy who said hello to a white woman as he passed her in a store. Folks were so appalled that a black boy would speak to a white woman. They beat him to death, put his body in a bag and tossed it in the river. Or how about the lynchings that took place? People were burned to death for no reason other than the color of their skin. Why were these stories not in my history books? I did pose this question to one of my former teachers and they responded with yet another racist statement: we don't teach black history, we teach American history. HELLO!!!!!! It was done by Americans on American soil - that makes it American History. I think the real answer is that we want to hide our dirty laundry.
People have frustrated me for so long because they don't want to learn. Ignorance is bliss and so they would rather not know. After all, there are much more pleasant and positive things to talk about.
I believe learning these things is crucial to racial reconciliation. I know this generation did not bring the slaves from Africa. Most of my generation was not alive or very young during the Civil Rights movement. However, how can we become reconciled and become a diverse church and a diverse culture if we do not seek to understand each other? My understanding is not a clear as it should be, but it is much better than before my friendship with Mo. He taught me to at least attempt to see things from another perspective.
For instance, this president. I do not like Obama. In the words of MLK, I dislike Obama not because of the color of his skin but because of the content of his character (or lack thereof). However, I clearly understand and rejoice with the black community that a black man is capable of being elected. When Mo was young, he watched his own father speak to his family and say "this country will never allow a black man to be president." I am thankful that Mo got to see his father proved wrong. My prayer is for a GODLY president no matter his color, but I still understand their joy.
One of the things my pastors said this weekend was that we should seek to get to know and understand each other. Mentoring has helped me with this. Rashawnda introduced me to greens. I introduced her to pierogies. When I say I am going to get my hair done, I mean I am going to Super Cuts and I will be out in 20 minutes. When Rashawnda is getting her hair done, she is busy for the day.
Learning about each other and enjoying our differences is the first step in racial reconcilation. So even though I lament that Family Guy is a more accurate picture of reality today than The Cosby Show, I am thankful that we are taking a step in the right direction. It's just the beginning. So much more could have been said in that sermon. But I understand that the Gerber version was needed for folks who have never approached the subject.
After reading the books Mo gave me, I had a dream. Just like MLK I had a dream that this knowledge would spread to every ignorant ear and that this message would be preached from church pulpits. God is beginning to make our dreams a reality. And I hope that by the time I reach the Pearly Gates, I will have left a better earth than MLK and even a better earth than Mo left.
In my lifetime - and I am not THAT old - I have watched the rapid moral decline of society. In many ways, we are much worse than we were even when I was a teenager. However, this weekend I was encouraged as I heard my pastors speak on racial reconciliation from the pulpit.
With mixed emotions, it made me think of my dear friend Mo, who went to be with Jesus just a few months ago. I was sad due to missing him. I was sad that I couldn't call him and rejoice with him that decades of prayer were finally being answered. But I was happy and I was grateful. I am grateful for all he taught me.
During the years of our friendship and his spiritual mentoring, he taught me about "institutional racism". It's not the same outspoken racism like that seen in the KKK. This is a subconcious racism that is inbred in us and we don't even know it.
He would ask me questions such as: "if you are walking down the street at night and you see a guy who is poorly dressed and looks like trouble, would you be more scared if he was black?" An honest person would have to say yes. Or consider the local case of Michael Ellerbe. A 12 year old was with his friends as they attempted to steal a car. When the cops came, the boy ran. The cops shot him and killed him. Now I don't condone stealing a car. But here is a question... if Michael Ellerbe had been a blonde hair, blue eyed white boy, would the cops have been so quick to pull the trigger?
Mo used to call me out when I would unknowningly make a racist remark. I once told him that his father in law did not act like a black person. What is a black person supposed to act like? Do all white people act the same?
I am also grateful for the education Mo gave me. The education I should have received in school but did not. Mo gave me books, movies, documentaries, and music that taught me what my high school history class should have. Oh I learned about Martin Luther King, Jr. I learned about Rosa Parks. But it stopped there. Why didn't my teacher tell me about Emmitt Till? A young black boy who said hello to a white woman as he passed her in a store. Folks were so appalled that a black boy would speak to a white woman. They beat him to death, put his body in a bag and tossed it in the river. Or how about the lynchings that took place? People were burned to death for no reason other than the color of their skin. Why were these stories not in my history books? I did pose this question to one of my former teachers and they responded with yet another racist statement: we don't teach black history, we teach American history. HELLO!!!!!! It was done by Americans on American soil - that makes it American History. I think the real answer is that we want to hide our dirty laundry.
People have frustrated me for so long because they don't want to learn. Ignorance is bliss and so they would rather not know. After all, there are much more pleasant and positive things to talk about.
I believe learning these things is crucial to racial reconciliation. I know this generation did not bring the slaves from Africa. Most of my generation was not alive or very young during the Civil Rights movement. However, how can we become reconciled and become a diverse church and a diverse culture if we do not seek to understand each other? My understanding is not a clear as it should be, but it is much better than before my friendship with Mo. He taught me to at least attempt to see things from another perspective.
For instance, this president. I do not like Obama. In the words of MLK, I dislike Obama not because of the color of his skin but because of the content of his character (or lack thereof). However, I clearly understand and rejoice with the black community that a black man is capable of being elected. When Mo was young, he watched his own father speak to his family and say "this country will never allow a black man to be president." I am thankful that Mo got to see his father proved wrong. My prayer is for a GODLY president no matter his color, but I still understand their joy.
One of the things my pastors said this weekend was that we should seek to get to know and understand each other. Mentoring has helped me with this. Rashawnda introduced me to greens. I introduced her to pierogies. When I say I am going to get my hair done, I mean I am going to Super Cuts and I will be out in 20 minutes. When Rashawnda is getting her hair done, she is busy for the day.
Learning about each other and enjoying our differences is the first step in racial reconcilation. So even though I lament that Family Guy is a more accurate picture of reality today than The Cosby Show, I am thankful that we are taking a step in the right direction. It's just the beginning. So much more could have been said in that sermon. But I understand that the Gerber version was needed for folks who have never approached the subject.
After reading the books Mo gave me, I had a dream. Just like MLK I had a dream that this knowledge would spread to every ignorant ear and that this message would be preached from church pulpits. God is beginning to make our dreams a reality. And I hope that by the time I reach the Pearly Gates, I will have left a better earth than MLK and even a better earth than Mo left.
God's Loving Correction and Answered Prayer
Becoming a Christian at the young age of 14 and being a member of a church that excelled at Biblical teaching are two of my life's richest blessing. I was taught the foundations of Christianity in my first few years after giving my life to Christ and the Biblical instruction beyond First Principles began in my high school Bible class. One of the lessons I learned early on was to embrace discipline and correction. The Word tells us that God disciplines those He loves. Note - it does not say He "punishes" - it says He disciplines. Proverbs 12:1 says "he who loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid."
So I learned early to appreciate correction. Now of course I don't mean that I enjoy being yelled at, belittled, or being spoke to in a condescending manner. However, when a Godly person with a good heart speaks correction out of care and concern for me, I recognize it as a good thing - even if unpleasant. Recognizing correction as a good thing does not guarantee that my thick skull will get it on the first round. Some lessons have taken me years to learn. I appreciate the patience and unconditional love of the Godly people in my life. What I appreciate even more is when God decides to show me Himself - in a way that is undeniably God and no one else.
God has spent the last month or two doing just that. He has brought correction to me in the area of prayer. Obviously, being saved for 24 and half years - I pray. I don't even like to use the word "pray" because it sounds religious. I communicate with the Lord. I have a relationship with Him and in order to have a relationship there must be communication. (duh) So as much as prayer is a part of my life, I have not fully recognized its value and power until recently.
For years now, when I would talk with my mentor and friend about things that bothered me, she would say "why not talk to God about it" or "bring it before God - He will either change the circumstance or change my view or attitude about it". Truthfully, this ticked me off. Not because I don't want to pray - but I thought it was cop-out for those who lacked courage. If something wasn't right - we need to do something to fix it - don't just "pray".
In some instances, I still believe that. I do believe folks use prayer as a cop-out. For instance, we find out there are children starving to death in the world. Well, we will pray. God is up there saying - stop praying and get food to them.
Issues exist in our world that we can certainly act upon and bring about change. For those instances, we ought to pray, then act. The prayer is to seek God's direction on HOW He would have us help the situation.
As numerous as those instances are, there are a multitude of issues that we can't do one darn thing about. We can't change people. Heck, we can barely change ourselves. These are the instances that I have not recognized or trusted in the power of prayer and the power of God to act. Oh, I have prayed. I have spoken to God out of frustration because I could do nothing else. I don't believe I prayed expecting God to take care of it.
So God has spent the last two months increasing my faith and enhancing my prayer life. He has answered prayers that I have been praying for five years, as well as prayers that I prayed for 5 days.
A few examples:
Those who know me know that I love my church. It's not perfect by any means but it is my home. Since joining the church in 2007, I noticed that we didn't really embrace other cultures - especially in our music. This is an example of something I can do nothing about. I can't force a 4,000 member church to consider music that differs from what they are used to. By embracing different styles of worship - we would make more folks feel at home in our church. We would also benefit by understanding other cultures. For five years we have move forward singing Chris Tomlin. (Don't get me wrong - I love Chris Tomlin) For five years I have prayed that we as a church would get a little more cross-cultural in our worship. Truthfully, my prayers were complaints. "Lord, this white suburban church can't see beyond white suburbia...." In retrospect, the Lord was speaking to me sounding similar to a friend of mine. He was saying: "Relax, I got this." I didn't hear Him - and I wouldnt have believed Him anyway. I mean, after all, could the Creator of all things and the Ruler who reigns as King of kings and Lord of lords, really be capable of changing a white suburban church? (insert sarcasm here). Well, in November, during the Thanksgiving All Worship Night, we were worshipping intensely and I was totally wrapped up in worship. Totally unexpected, out of nowhere - a man slips quietly out of the choir and comes to the front... and starts rapping! I screamed like a teenager at a concert. Then I started to cry realizing that five years of prayer had been answered. I also started looking around to see if any old white folk needed CPR ;). God had been listening. God had cared. And God brought about change - in His time and without Raquel's help.
In early December, I noticed a Christian leader acting well, not like a Christian leader. I got angry. I don't want to go into detail here lest too many figure out who I am talking about. However, I got angry and I wanted to "do something." This is the Raquel way. However, this person wouldnt have listened to me and no one in leadership would have seen it as a big enough deal to intervene. So again, my numb skull complains to my friend and she says "how about praying for him?" Really? I truly thought a good punch in the head would fix things better than me praying. But, since I do have some degree of self-control. I prayed. A week later I received word that this person had apologized to the people who were mistreated. Again, God took care of it.
A more recent example happened at work. My co-worker got let go right in the middle of our busy time when we had multiple deadlines to meet. Okay, time to rise to the challenge. I came in on a Sunday afternoon to get caught up on some work and I find an email from my well-intentioned boss telling me she was going to send "temporary help". My first reaction was "Are you nuts?" Having to train someone in the middle of the deadline crunch would have been a disaster, not a help. But I was cranky and not in the frame of mind to speak to her about it in a respectful manner. So I just kept working and I asked God to please show her that this would not help me. Two days later in a team meeting, she announced that she decided against the temporary help. That was the second time I wanted to break out a tamborine in the middle of the office. (This first being when someone gave me hazelnut coffee). The funny thing with this one - I could have said something. I could have talked to her about it. But I didn't have the energy to funnel my emotions into respectful speech - so I gave it to God and He took care of it. :)
Lastly, we all know how I feel about the issue of racial reconciliation. I am not going to go into detail here - but another blog post is cooking on this subject. But I have prayed for DECADES, long before I came to North Way, that this issue would be discussed from our pulpits. After more than ten years of prayer, it was preached this weekend.
I think God has more than proved Himself. Moral of the story - when an issue arises and you can do something... pray, then act. When an issue arises that you can do nothing about.... pray, then pray, and then pray. In your conversations with God, He will either change the circumstances or He will change you or both. Every answer will come in His perfect timing, not ours. And the answer will come in a such a way that He will get the credit for it. Divine change will occur - and that beats any change that Raquel could ever bring about. :) I am thankful for His correction in my life - and His answered prayer.
So I learned early to appreciate correction. Now of course I don't mean that I enjoy being yelled at, belittled, or being spoke to in a condescending manner. However, when a Godly person with a good heart speaks correction out of care and concern for me, I recognize it as a good thing - even if unpleasant. Recognizing correction as a good thing does not guarantee that my thick skull will get it on the first round. Some lessons have taken me years to learn. I appreciate the patience and unconditional love of the Godly people in my life. What I appreciate even more is when God decides to show me Himself - in a way that is undeniably God and no one else.
God has spent the last month or two doing just that. He has brought correction to me in the area of prayer. Obviously, being saved for 24 and half years - I pray. I don't even like to use the word "pray" because it sounds religious. I communicate with the Lord. I have a relationship with Him and in order to have a relationship there must be communication. (duh) So as much as prayer is a part of my life, I have not fully recognized its value and power until recently.
For years now, when I would talk with my mentor and friend about things that bothered me, she would say "why not talk to God about it" or "bring it before God - He will either change the circumstance or change my view or attitude about it". Truthfully, this ticked me off. Not because I don't want to pray - but I thought it was cop-out for those who lacked courage. If something wasn't right - we need to do something to fix it - don't just "pray".
In some instances, I still believe that. I do believe folks use prayer as a cop-out. For instance, we find out there are children starving to death in the world. Well, we will pray. God is up there saying - stop praying and get food to them.
Issues exist in our world that we can certainly act upon and bring about change. For those instances, we ought to pray, then act. The prayer is to seek God's direction on HOW He would have us help the situation.
As numerous as those instances are, there are a multitude of issues that we can't do one darn thing about. We can't change people. Heck, we can barely change ourselves. These are the instances that I have not recognized or trusted in the power of prayer and the power of God to act. Oh, I have prayed. I have spoken to God out of frustration because I could do nothing else. I don't believe I prayed expecting God to take care of it.
So God has spent the last two months increasing my faith and enhancing my prayer life. He has answered prayers that I have been praying for five years, as well as prayers that I prayed for 5 days.
A few examples:
Those who know me know that I love my church. It's not perfect by any means but it is my home. Since joining the church in 2007, I noticed that we didn't really embrace other cultures - especially in our music. This is an example of something I can do nothing about. I can't force a 4,000 member church to consider music that differs from what they are used to. By embracing different styles of worship - we would make more folks feel at home in our church. We would also benefit by understanding other cultures. For five years we have move forward singing Chris Tomlin. (Don't get me wrong - I love Chris Tomlin) For five years I have prayed that we as a church would get a little more cross-cultural in our worship. Truthfully, my prayers were complaints. "Lord, this white suburban church can't see beyond white suburbia...." In retrospect, the Lord was speaking to me sounding similar to a friend of mine. He was saying: "Relax, I got this." I didn't hear Him - and I wouldnt have believed Him anyway. I mean, after all, could the Creator of all things and the Ruler who reigns as King of kings and Lord of lords, really be capable of changing a white suburban church? (insert sarcasm here). Well, in November, during the Thanksgiving All Worship Night, we were worshipping intensely and I was totally wrapped up in worship. Totally unexpected, out of nowhere - a man slips quietly out of the choir and comes to the front... and starts rapping! I screamed like a teenager at a concert. Then I started to cry realizing that five years of prayer had been answered. I also started looking around to see if any old white folk needed CPR ;). God had been listening. God had cared. And God brought about change - in His time and without Raquel's help.
In early December, I noticed a Christian leader acting well, not like a Christian leader. I got angry. I don't want to go into detail here lest too many figure out who I am talking about. However, I got angry and I wanted to "do something." This is the Raquel way. However, this person wouldnt have listened to me and no one in leadership would have seen it as a big enough deal to intervene. So again, my numb skull complains to my friend and she says "how about praying for him?" Really? I truly thought a good punch in the head would fix things better than me praying. But, since I do have some degree of self-control. I prayed. A week later I received word that this person had apologized to the people who were mistreated. Again, God took care of it.
A more recent example happened at work. My co-worker got let go right in the middle of our busy time when we had multiple deadlines to meet. Okay, time to rise to the challenge. I came in on a Sunday afternoon to get caught up on some work and I find an email from my well-intentioned boss telling me she was going to send "temporary help". My first reaction was "Are you nuts?" Having to train someone in the middle of the deadline crunch would have been a disaster, not a help. But I was cranky and not in the frame of mind to speak to her about it in a respectful manner. So I just kept working and I asked God to please show her that this would not help me. Two days later in a team meeting, she announced that she decided against the temporary help. That was the second time I wanted to break out a tamborine in the middle of the office. (This first being when someone gave me hazelnut coffee). The funny thing with this one - I could have said something. I could have talked to her about it. But I didn't have the energy to funnel my emotions into respectful speech - so I gave it to God and He took care of it. :)
Lastly, we all know how I feel about the issue of racial reconciliation. I am not going to go into detail here - but another blog post is cooking on this subject. But I have prayed for DECADES, long before I came to North Way, that this issue would be discussed from our pulpits. After more than ten years of prayer, it was preached this weekend.
I think God has more than proved Himself. Moral of the story - when an issue arises and you can do something... pray, then act. When an issue arises that you can do nothing about.... pray, then pray, and then pray. In your conversations with God, He will either change the circumstances or He will change you or both. Every answer will come in His perfect timing, not ours. And the answer will come in a such a way that He will get the credit for it. Divine change will occur - and that beats any change that Raquel could ever bring about. :) I am thankful for His correction in my life - and His answered prayer.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
So Close... And Yet So Far Away
I messed up today. Although I have been told that it was not as bad as I thought, I still feel pretty crummy. It's a kick in the pants because I had been doing so well.
As most of you know, my co-worker/trainer got let go last week. He and I shared the responsibility of preparing the monthly reports that go to our clients. His departure meant that task was soley in my hands. It was a little intimidating but I was up for the challenge. God has been proving many times over that this company is what He has for me at this point in my life. Knowing I was meant to be there, I knew God would help me with whatever difficulties there would be - if I stayed focused on Him and asked for help. This week is the week that reports needed to be prepared. So I had asked my closest friends to keep me in prayer and I have stayed close to the Lord all week. I have prayed and asked for wisdom and guidance on every obstacle - and of course He delivered. Even though I was busy and fatigued, I watched prayers get answered and God supply my needs.
I don't want to spend too much time boring you with the details of my job, but one of the goals since I started back in June has been to deliver the reports to management in time to give them enough time to review them before we have a meeting to discuss the reports. In the past, the managers would get them with only an hour or two (or sometimes less) to review before the meetings. I thought this practice was rude and inconsiderate. So I made it a personal goal to have the reports delivered to the managers 24 hours before their meeting. I have made progress toward the goal, but have yet to meet it with every client - and this is when I only had half the clients. This week, I was on track to meet it - with all the clients.
I had worked so hard and even though I barely knew what I was doing with the clients I havent work on before, most of the reports got to the managers 24 hours before the meeting. Except one. Why you ask? Because I needed 3 lousy numbers and no one could give them to me. When I sent an email to the person who typically gives them to me, she ignored me for three days. When I pushed a little harder, she told me that I should be talking to another person. So I went to the that person. She said she would get me the information. After giving her a day and touching base again - she told me to contact a third person. Long story short - I have been bounced around all week between these three people and as I type this, I still do not have my data. The report was due to the manager at 10am this morning - with the meeting at 10am Friday.
I started this blog by saying that I messed up. Not meeting my self-imposed deadline is not how I messed up. I messed up by what I allowed this situation to do to me. I got mad. Very, very mad. I made the situation all about me (and it wasnt about me). I had a deadline and these people kept me from hitting it. I felt they made me look bad and I was furious and frustrated. Its my name on the email that delivers the report to management - not theirs. This issue is not new this month. The only thing new was that I almost met my goal. In this little storm, I lost sight of the Lord and His purpose for me. I thought only of myself. My anger was at a level that it hasnt been in a long time. However, I was at work and I do want to continue being employed so I did not speak every thought in my head. I did "vent" a little too much to my supervisor. Though no one else really saw it, I had a temper tantrum. I started thinking: "I gave up the Lamp Leadership and the Ladies Bible study FOR THIS???" I have come in early, worked in the evenings at home, worked on Sunday FOR THIS? THIS is what I gave everything up for?" I gave 120% only to have three uncaring women halt my progress?
If you read the above paragraph, you will find an overused pronoun. Even as I typed it I made myself sick. Funny thing, I knew it was coming. I did well all week and received kudos from those above me. After three days of doing well I knew that pride could come in. Not the good pride - in a job well done - but the bad pride. The pride that thinks more highly of oneself that it ought and the pride that comes before a fall. I believe it was Tuesday night that I prayed and asked the Lord to keep me humble. I ask Him to keep pride far from me. Be careful what you pray for.
I think God allowed this situation. When I stepped away from my desk to deal with the tears brought on by anger that couldnt be released, I talked to the Lord and I said "how did I lose sight of you". The answer is always the same - I lose sight of Him when I look too much at me.
Oh but I can't tell you how much I love my sweet Savior. The Bible says that its His kindness that leads up to repentance. I felt Him look at me like a good Father would look at a remorseful child. He said "Raquel, you didnt give up the things you love for your company. You didnt give them up for your boss or your team. You temporarily gave them up for Me - because I asked you to" Yes Daddy, you are right. Jesus alone is the only one worth giving up those things for.
It scares me how quickly I lost sight of that. I got so upset when I felt those girls made my name look bad - that I made His name look bad. I am His child, I bear His name and I want folks to see Jesus in me.
And of course there always seems to be a song to go with the experience. This morning driving into work I heard the song "Lifesong". The first verse says:
Empty hands held high - such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life - I sing in vain tonight.
The song is referring to our worship. We can sing all the praises we want and worship the Lord through music, but if how we live our life isnt worship - our singing and music are in vain.
The last line of the chorus says:
I want to sign your name at the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to you.
I want to sign your name.... Man, I wasn't signing His name today - I was signing mine. But I am thankful for two things. One, the Lord protected me today. No one except my supervisor knew what I was going through. And apparently my supervisor didnt know as much as I thought. I apologized to her and she had no idea what I was apologizing for! Apparently, I didnt verbalize any where near what I thought I had. I still got kudos at the end of the day from her and my manager. Grace. Divine Favor.
But God looks at the heart. He knew I screwed up. But here is the second thing I am thankful for - and the most important. He already knew I was going to mess up. God knew. Jesus knew - and Jesus paid. Over 2000 years ago Jesus's body laid bound to a cross. One of the times that that hammer hit that nail further into His hand was for my sin today. Jesus long since defeated sin and He no longer feels the pain of those nails and I do not need to carry the pain and shame of my sin.
Because of Calvary, I am forgiven. When I spoke my repentance to the Lord and said: "Daddy, I am so sorry", He smiled - and just like my supervisor, He answered: "what for?"
Psalm 32 - Blessed is the man whose sins are forgiven.
As most of you know, my co-worker/trainer got let go last week. He and I shared the responsibility of preparing the monthly reports that go to our clients. His departure meant that task was soley in my hands. It was a little intimidating but I was up for the challenge. God has been proving many times over that this company is what He has for me at this point in my life. Knowing I was meant to be there, I knew God would help me with whatever difficulties there would be - if I stayed focused on Him and asked for help. This week is the week that reports needed to be prepared. So I had asked my closest friends to keep me in prayer and I have stayed close to the Lord all week. I have prayed and asked for wisdom and guidance on every obstacle - and of course He delivered. Even though I was busy and fatigued, I watched prayers get answered and God supply my needs.
I don't want to spend too much time boring you with the details of my job, but one of the goals since I started back in June has been to deliver the reports to management in time to give them enough time to review them before we have a meeting to discuss the reports. In the past, the managers would get them with only an hour or two (or sometimes less) to review before the meetings. I thought this practice was rude and inconsiderate. So I made it a personal goal to have the reports delivered to the managers 24 hours before their meeting. I have made progress toward the goal, but have yet to meet it with every client - and this is when I only had half the clients. This week, I was on track to meet it - with all the clients.
I had worked so hard and even though I barely knew what I was doing with the clients I havent work on before, most of the reports got to the managers 24 hours before the meeting. Except one. Why you ask? Because I needed 3 lousy numbers and no one could give them to me. When I sent an email to the person who typically gives them to me, she ignored me for three days. When I pushed a little harder, she told me that I should be talking to another person. So I went to the that person. She said she would get me the information. After giving her a day and touching base again - she told me to contact a third person. Long story short - I have been bounced around all week between these three people and as I type this, I still do not have my data. The report was due to the manager at 10am this morning - with the meeting at 10am Friday.
I started this blog by saying that I messed up. Not meeting my self-imposed deadline is not how I messed up. I messed up by what I allowed this situation to do to me. I got mad. Very, very mad. I made the situation all about me (and it wasnt about me). I had a deadline and these people kept me from hitting it. I felt they made me look bad and I was furious and frustrated. Its my name on the email that delivers the report to management - not theirs. This issue is not new this month. The only thing new was that I almost met my goal. In this little storm, I lost sight of the Lord and His purpose for me. I thought only of myself. My anger was at a level that it hasnt been in a long time. However, I was at work and I do want to continue being employed so I did not speak every thought in my head. I did "vent" a little too much to my supervisor. Though no one else really saw it, I had a temper tantrum. I started thinking: "I gave up the Lamp Leadership and the Ladies Bible study FOR THIS???" I have come in early, worked in the evenings at home, worked on Sunday FOR THIS? THIS is what I gave everything up for?" I gave 120% only to have three uncaring women halt my progress?
If you read the above paragraph, you will find an overused pronoun. Even as I typed it I made myself sick. Funny thing, I knew it was coming. I did well all week and received kudos from those above me. After three days of doing well I knew that pride could come in. Not the good pride - in a job well done - but the bad pride. The pride that thinks more highly of oneself that it ought and the pride that comes before a fall. I believe it was Tuesday night that I prayed and asked the Lord to keep me humble. I ask Him to keep pride far from me. Be careful what you pray for.
I think God allowed this situation. When I stepped away from my desk to deal with the tears brought on by anger that couldnt be released, I talked to the Lord and I said "how did I lose sight of you". The answer is always the same - I lose sight of Him when I look too much at me.
Oh but I can't tell you how much I love my sweet Savior. The Bible says that its His kindness that leads up to repentance. I felt Him look at me like a good Father would look at a remorseful child. He said "Raquel, you didnt give up the things you love for your company. You didnt give them up for your boss or your team. You temporarily gave them up for Me - because I asked you to" Yes Daddy, you are right. Jesus alone is the only one worth giving up those things for.
It scares me how quickly I lost sight of that. I got so upset when I felt those girls made my name look bad - that I made His name look bad. I am His child, I bear His name and I want folks to see Jesus in me.
And of course there always seems to be a song to go with the experience. This morning driving into work I heard the song "Lifesong". The first verse says:
Empty hands held high - such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life - I sing in vain tonight.
The song is referring to our worship. We can sing all the praises we want and worship the Lord through music, but if how we live our life isnt worship - our singing and music are in vain.
The last line of the chorus says:
I want to sign your name at the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to you.
I want to sign your name.... Man, I wasn't signing His name today - I was signing mine. But I am thankful for two things. One, the Lord protected me today. No one except my supervisor knew what I was going through. And apparently my supervisor didnt know as much as I thought. I apologized to her and she had no idea what I was apologizing for! Apparently, I didnt verbalize any where near what I thought I had. I still got kudos at the end of the day from her and my manager. Grace. Divine Favor.
But God looks at the heart. He knew I screwed up. But here is the second thing I am thankful for - and the most important. He already knew I was going to mess up. God knew. Jesus knew - and Jesus paid. Over 2000 years ago Jesus's body laid bound to a cross. One of the times that that hammer hit that nail further into His hand was for my sin today. Jesus long since defeated sin and He no longer feels the pain of those nails and I do not need to carry the pain and shame of my sin.
Because of Calvary, I am forgiven. When I spoke my repentance to the Lord and said: "Daddy, I am so sorry", He smiled - and just like my supervisor, He answered: "what for?"
Psalm 32 - Blessed is the man whose sins are forgiven.
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