Although blogging is not considered spiritual fruit, when I go long periods of time without blogging, it usually indicates a slowed or stagnate spiritual condition for me. When I am spending adequate time with the Lord, and seeing His heart and hand in my life, blogs usually result. I love to share with others what God is showing me and how deeply personal my Savior is.
For a month or two now, I have been in a funk – in every way – spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and even physically. This funk spiraled into a near depression last Thursday and Friday. This past Thursday was my estranged baby sister’s 30th birthday. She hasn’t spoken to our family in years and I have a niece and a nephew that I have never met. As if not being a part of their lives is not painful enough, out of the blue on Thursday I remembered something she said to me when she was a teenager. She was yelling at me about something I did that she didn’t like and she said to me: “when I am an adult, I will have a husband, and children, and a family, and a house and car… and Raquel, you’ll be all alone.” I have no idea why that came to mind after all these years, but it did and the grief was nearly unbearable as I thought “she was right”.
In addition to dealing with this, summer is a difficult time for me. No – not just because I hate heat! During the summer, church and ministry activities and small groups are less frequent, people are busy with their families and their trips, and I have many days where I work and then come home to dead silence until I work again. I’ve dealt with this for nearly 20 years but it has never gotten any easier. This Friday, we got out of work early and I literally had no plans for the weekend except for church and breakfast after church. I wasn’t happy about it.
I tried to do all the things that Christians are supposed to do. I came home and prayed, read the Bible, and tried to worship. The efforts kept me sane but that was about it. I prayed that God would deliver me from such a deep pit of sadness. That’s not a bad prayer. Many times, throughout the Bible others have prayed similar prayers. However, I took it a step further. I decided to give God options on how to best deliver me from sadness. Are you laughing yet? He was. The Lord looks at the plans of man and laughs. I wasn’t laughing. In my finite mind, there were only two ways God could answer my prayer – bring me the family I have wanted and dreamed about since I was 5 years old, or take the desire away completely.
As I laid in bed Friday evening, I remembered an illustration that God gave me earlier in the week. I was at work and a stink bug had crawled into my office. I said “eewww” and my co-worker came to see what I was “eeewwing” about. She jokingly said that the bug was coming to critique my work. As I laughed at the absurdity of a stink bug critiquing my work, a thought came to me: “this must be how ridiculous we look when we tell God how to be God.” So, I apologized to the Lord for basically attempting to boss Him around in regard to how He should handle my life and thanked Him for not doing to me what I did to that stink bug. However, even after my repentance, I really did not want to spend a 3-day weekend alone.
Somewhere around 9:40 pm the phone rang and it was a friend. This friend was on a road trip and we ended up talking for an hour and 20 minutes. We talked and laughed and the sadness was beginning to lift. Then, my friend mentioned that their travels would take them through Grove City. I don’t get to see this friend often, and even though it was getting late, I asked if I could meet them in Grove City to just say hi while they got gas and food. Most people would have thought I was nuts to want to drive 45 minutes away to simply see someone for 5-10 minutes. But my friend happily obliged and at 11:15 pm I drove to Grove City and ended up spending 25 minutes seeing my friend. I could not have been happier.
On Saturday my sister who lives locally asked me to drive her to Ohio. She said she would pay me for the gas. I took her up on it and after we returned she ended up taking me to dinner. I was gone from noon – 8pm on Saturday.
On Sunday, I had church and breakfast with my friends. Then my parents invited me over for a cookout with them and their pastors. I was there until early evening.
On Sunday evening, my friends were passing back through town on their way home and asked to crash at my place for the night after 8 hours of driving. I of course said yes, but I figured they would arrive after midnight, go to sleep, wake up and leaving very early in the morning. Well, you know what they say about assuming?
They arrived around 11pm and we stayed up late talking and laughing. As I went to sleep, I realized that I had yet to be alone very much at all this weekend. God had provided in unique and unexpected ways. And He wasn’t finished. Monday brought so many delightful surprises. My one friend and I woke up early (I woke up because I thought I would be saying good-bye in the early hours). The other friend (a teenager) was fast asleep so my friend decided to take me to breakfast. After breakfast, they made a decision to walk around Point State Park while the weather was still cool. I was delighted, but surprised. I enjoyed every minute of that morning, but I began to get concerned that my teenage friend would wake up alone and be very mad.
Around 10 am my friend sent a text that told us she had woken up and I was certain she would be mad. After a quick errand we came home and to my surprise she was not mad at all. The surprises didn’t end there. I thought she would be in a hurry to get home and they had a 5-hour drive ahead of them. But they stayed! They stayed and looked at pictures from my last mission trip. We had coffee and muffins and Raquel actually had people at her dining room table – a phenomenon that occurs typically 4 times a year. I was in heaven. And God was not done. My friend then decided we should all go to lunch. We went to a Chinese buffet in Greentree and I mentioned that it was close to my office and my teenage friend asked to see where I work. I gave a tour and explained what a portfolio accountant is and then we headed back home (psst- I deliberate took the long way home – heehee). My friends did not leave for their journey until 3pm and I headed back to my parents to do laundry where my dad cooked out again and my mom and sister and I watched a show.
Monday evening, I laid in bed grinning from ear to ear and my heart full of joy. I thanked God for blessing me beyond anything I ever could have imagined. I could not have asked for a better weekend – I would not have even thought a weekend that awesome was possible. It felt like January when I spent two weeks in Asia doing things that I never thought this girl from the bottoms of McKees Rocks would never experience.
The Lord told me to (figuratively) build an altar and remember this weekend whenever I begin to doubt His goodness. He reminded me of Matthew 7:11: “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!”
I had asked my heavenly Father for good things - but I expected them to be packaged in a certain way and come at a certain time. When they weren’t, I began to doubt His care for me.
His care for me went exceedingly, abundantly, above all that I could ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).
It’s funny, the original circumstances that caused me so much pain have not changed. My baby sister is still estranged, I still have never met my niece and nephew, and my sister’s cruel words to me are still true, at least to the extent that I don’t have anyone to say good morning or good night to.
But as I have testified before, God writes a better story that I do. I never thought He could use a sweet 19-year-old young woman to bring me such joy. If I could just stop being like a stink bug and telling God how to be God… I wonder what other delightful surprises He might send my way.
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