Yesterday was not a good day. It was not tragic. It was not a crisis. To most people it was no big deal. But it was disappointing day for me. Psalm 13:12 says "hope deferred makes the heart sick...". That is where I was yesterday.
The day started just fine. I slept till 9 am, made Graham Cracker flavored coffee and planned to spend the day doing homework until it was time to go to church.
My mom came over and we started talking about the fact that I was hoping to move in June when my lease is up. What most folks don't know is that I have been rebuilding my credit and financial life that I destroyed in my late twenties. I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and I have been making great progress, but I have not yet arrived at my goal. My point in stating this is that I do not yet qualify for a mortgage.
Most folks also do not know that I have had my heart set on a particular house. I have not told many people because their theological views do not match mine. But this house has been on the market for quite some time and I was really hoping to be eligible for a mortgage soon and get this house. Well, yesterday while I was talking to my mom about it - I pulled up the website to show her the pictures and saw the words "sale pending".
To make this disappointment worse, there was no one I could talk to about it that would empathize. Most folks would rejoice. My mom rejoiced. My male friend said "so". I knew my mentor would tell me "then its not God's will for you". Proverbs 14:10 - "each heart shares its own bitterness and no one can share its joy".
I flopped on my bed and sobbed like a junior high schooler who got dumped at the dance. The house in and of itself was not that huge. But it made me feel like God has said no to every single dream I have had. Marriage - no. Motherhood - no. Full time ministry - no. Colorado - no. (or at least not now) The house - no. God - can I just have ONE thing I desire? Just one? I never had a dream of climbing the corporate ladder or pursuing excellence in academia. Why can't I have at least just one dream come true?
Oh well. I spent time having my pity party and now it was back to homework. As I sat back down at my desk I realized I still had Facebook open. Someone had posted about the wonderful Lamp Mentors Meeting going on. One that I was missing so that I could get homework done. This was a special meeting. It was hosted at North Way Oakland. Pastor Freedom shared his personal testimony which I would have LOVED to hear. Pastor Doug spoke encouragement to the mentors. Lunch was catered. I was at home drawing Venn Diagrams. Really? Now, I could have gone. However, today is the day that I actually spend time with my mentee Rashawnda. My choice was to cancel her or miss the meeting. It made no sense at all to cancel time with my mentee to attend a mentoring meeting.
So I kept at the homework until it was time for church. Driving to church I was excited and expected the service to be comforting and uplifting. Well, the worship was. The sermon was insult to injury. Now just to clarify... Doug did a fantastic job with the message and I agree with everything that was said. It was just another thing that God has said "no" on. He kept talking about "God's Design". He was 100% correct. I just felt permanently excluded from "God's Design".
Every time I tried to pick myself up - something else hit.
Even when I am emotional, I know that emotions are rarely indictative of reality. So I prayed and asked the Lord to help me to rise above my disappointment and see things through His eyes. Well, the Lord sent His encouragement from an unexpected source. I had emailed the members of the Lamp Leadership team in case Pastor Bryan had forgotten to tell them that I had to step down. I told them about my accelerated degree program at Carlow and how the homework left me little time for much else. One person responded to my email. Mark Zaberiak wrote and said:
"Of course you were missed, but we muddled through anyway.... What you are doing is brave and, I'm sure, scary at times. Remember Nehemiah's response to the invitation to meet on the plains of Ono: "I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down". Keep doing your great work at Carlow, and we'll save a seat for you."
Mark's email was not only kind and encouraging, but it brought exactly what I needed - a Scriptural application to my current circumstance. My Beth Moore Bible study ladies just studied Nehemiah last summer so I am well familiar with the story. Nehemiah was so focused on what God and told Him to do, that he allowed NO distractions - not even "good things".
That email was like Neosporin on a cut - bringing closure to a day of open wounds.
It gave me the ability to smile through the disappointments and keep going.
I love that God didn't use one of my close girlfriends. He used a male member of my LAMP team who didnt even know about my struggle in the other areas. In doing so, I knew that encouragement came from God and Mark was just the vessel. Thanks Mark for being that vessel. Proverbs 12:8 and Proverbs 15:4 both say that the tongue of the wise brings healing. Thankful that I was a recipient of that yesterday.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Spiritual Malnutrition
Well it happened. The exact thing I was concerned would happen, happened. As usual, I have no one to blame but myself, especially since I saw it coming.
I was cranky this week. I was just feeling kind of blah and mediocre. I was just going through the motions like a robot. When I lose passion, I become cranky. The timing was horrible. It was the week that my supervisor was in town. I am sure my crankiness went well with the snow and cold for my favorite Floridian. (Actually, I think her kids are my favorite Floridians, but we'll call it a package deal).
Speaking of snow, my thoughts had a snowball effect this week. I went from mediocre, to blah, to cranky.... when I allow myself to get into that place my thoughts just go awry. The insecurity that I can typically managed with a good dose of the Word of God and the encouragement of friends, flares up like a wild fire. I become more sensitive than usual and allow things to affect me that I know I shouldn't. For instance, since my team members are located all over the globe, one teammate decided to email everyone a picture of her family. The other two team members quickly followed. So Raquel sees email # 1 - husband, kids. Here comes email #2 - husband, kids. Three is a charm - email # 3 - husband, kids. Even our resource in India joined in - with a husband but no kids. I knew no one else was thinking like I was thinking - but my Achilles heal was hit. The suggestion was made that I email a picture of my cats. Yeah - right after I email a picture of my weight on the scale and list of my past sins.
Am I being ridiculous? Absolutely. So how did I let this happen? Well, you have all heard the overused cliche "seven days without prayer makes one weak". It is overused. It is cliche. And its absolutely true.
Though I have said "quick prayers" throughout the week, I havent spent quality time with the Lord since last Sunday. My prayers were what I call "Vending Machine Prayers". You say a little prayer and out comes a blessing or a help for you or someone you care about. It amazes me that God still honors vending machine prayers from someone who knows better. I left religion almost 25 years ago. I have a relationship with Jesus and its the most important relationship I have. Imagine a married couple that did not communicate for 7 days except to ask for help or favors.
I'm not trying to be overly dramatic or awfulize things here. If I oversleep one day and don't get time with the Lord, I don't think it's a huge deal or a sin. It doesn't make me a bad Christian. But making a habit of it makes me a weak one.
However, I don't recognize it when I am in the middle of it. I knew I was cranky, but honestly I chalked it up to PMS. Thankfully, the Lord got my attention with Pastor Jay's blog. His blogs always seem to come just when I need them. His latest blog was about losing your spiritual zeal. He said it is our responsibility to maintain that zeal. He explained that the flame gets fueled in 3 ways (in order of importance)
1. Prayer and Bible reading (Time with the Lord)
2. Spending time with other Christians
3. Gathering together for corporate worship
Well corporate worship only happens once a week unless there is something special going on. (I can't wait for Recall in two weeks - 4 consequtive days of church). I do get built up by spending time with Christian friends, especially those more wise and mature than I am.
But God has me in a season where He has placed work and school as my first priorities and thus has limited all the other functions with my Christian friends that I am accustomed to. When I first felt the Lord tell me to go this direction, I thought He had lost it. Why would He want me to do that - to give up my church stuff? I am starting to see a piece of His reason for it. I think I relied too heavily on church and church activities for my spiritual nourishment. I think part of what He wants me teach me through this season is to grow up and take care of myself spiritually. That means the only way for me to stay focused on Him and His purposes for me is to be disciplined enough to spend time with Him often.
When I spend quality time alone with the Lord and then communicate with Him throughout the day, I have joy. I have peace. I have purpose. My confidence and security come from looking at Him and knowing I am right where He wants me to be. When I become lazy and undisciplined (and hit the snooze too many times in the morning), I slowly start to lose my joy and sense of purpose.
Thankfully, He loves me too much to leave me on that downward spiral. When I don't hear His still, small voice - He gives Pastor Jay the words to write in a blog. And tonight, when I logged onto Facebook, one of my teachers from Bible College had posted a video an sweet worship song. The words are simple:
You are Worthy of It All
You are Worthy of It All
For from You are All things, and to you are All things
You deserve the Glory
I didn't need North Way's sanctuary to have some sweet worship time. And in doing so I got refocused. Got my eyes off of me and back onto Him where they belong.
And I am thankful for a chance to do better next week.
I was cranky this week. I was just feeling kind of blah and mediocre. I was just going through the motions like a robot. When I lose passion, I become cranky. The timing was horrible. It was the week that my supervisor was in town. I am sure my crankiness went well with the snow and cold for my favorite Floridian. (Actually, I think her kids are my favorite Floridians, but we'll call it a package deal).
Speaking of snow, my thoughts had a snowball effect this week. I went from mediocre, to blah, to cranky.... when I allow myself to get into that place my thoughts just go awry. The insecurity that I can typically managed with a good dose of the Word of God and the encouragement of friends, flares up like a wild fire. I become more sensitive than usual and allow things to affect me that I know I shouldn't. For instance, since my team members are located all over the globe, one teammate decided to email everyone a picture of her family. The other two team members quickly followed. So Raquel sees email # 1 - husband, kids. Here comes email #2 - husband, kids. Three is a charm - email # 3 - husband, kids. Even our resource in India joined in - with a husband but no kids. I knew no one else was thinking like I was thinking - but my Achilles heal was hit. The suggestion was made that I email a picture of my cats. Yeah - right after I email a picture of my weight on the scale and list of my past sins.
Am I being ridiculous? Absolutely. So how did I let this happen? Well, you have all heard the overused cliche "seven days without prayer makes one weak". It is overused. It is cliche. And its absolutely true.
Though I have said "quick prayers" throughout the week, I havent spent quality time with the Lord since last Sunday. My prayers were what I call "Vending Machine Prayers". You say a little prayer and out comes a blessing or a help for you or someone you care about. It amazes me that God still honors vending machine prayers from someone who knows better. I left religion almost 25 years ago. I have a relationship with Jesus and its the most important relationship I have. Imagine a married couple that did not communicate for 7 days except to ask for help or favors.
I'm not trying to be overly dramatic or awfulize things here. If I oversleep one day and don't get time with the Lord, I don't think it's a huge deal or a sin. It doesn't make me a bad Christian. But making a habit of it makes me a weak one.
However, I don't recognize it when I am in the middle of it. I knew I was cranky, but honestly I chalked it up to PMS. Thankfully, the Lord got my attention with Pastor Jay's blog. His blogs always seem to come just when I need them. His latest blog was about losing your spiritual zeal. He said it is our responsibility to maintain that zeal. He explained that the flame gets fueled in 3 ways (in order of importance)
1. Prayer and Bible reading (Time with the Lord)
2. Spending time with other Christians
3. Gathering together for corporate worship
Well corporate worship only happens once a week unless there is something special going on. (I can't wait for Recall in two weeks - 4 consequtive days of church). I do get built up by spending time with Christian friends, especially those more wise and mature than I am.
But God has me in a season where He has placed work and school as my first priorities and thus has limited all the other functions with my Christian friends that I am accustomed to. When I first felt the Lord tell me to go this direction, I thought He had lost it. Why would He want me to do that - to give up my church stuff? I am starting to see a piece of His reason for it. I think I relied too heavily on church and church activities for my spiritual nourishment. I think part of what He wants me teach me through this season is to grow up and take care of myself spiritually. That means the only way for me to stay focused on Him and His purposes for me is to be disciplined enough to spend time with Him often.
When I spend quality time alone with the Lord and then communicate with Him throughout the day, I have joy. I have peace. I have purpose. My confidence and security come from looking at Him and knowing I am right where He wants me to be. When I become lazy and undisciplined (and hit the snooze too many times in the morning), I slowly start to lose my joy and sense of purpose.
Thankfully, He loves me too much to leave me on that downward spiral. When I don't hear His still, small voice - He gives Pastor Jay the words to write in a blog. And tonight, when I logged onto Facebook, one of my teachers from Bible College had posted a video an sweet worship song. The words are simple:
You are Worthy of It All
You are Worthy of It All
For from You are All things, and to you are All things
You deserve the Glory
I didn't need North Way's sanctuary to have some sweet worship time. And in doing so I got refocused. Got my eyes off of me and back onto Him where they belong.
And I am thankful for a chance to do better next week.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Martin Luther King, Jr Day
I just watched three re-runs of The Cosby Show. I know I am going to sound like I am 98 instead of 38 but I miss the days of good, funny, wholesome TV shows. The one episode I watched showed the family at their college where Claire got to lead the college choir. They sang Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God. The college didn't get sued by the ACLU. The second episode showed a family dinner, including grandparents. It sure didn't resemble an episode of Family Guy. The third episode I watched showed the family dealing with normal family issues: sibling rivalry, bad grades, etc. However, just as the family walks into their living room still squabbling, the TV is playing the speech of Martin Luther King Jr. The family stops to listen and in doing so forgets their silly struggles.
In my lifetime - and I am not THAT old - I have watched the rapid moral decline of society. In many ways, we are much worse than we were even when I was a teenager. However, this weekend I was encouraged as I heard my pastors speak on racial reconciliation from the pulpit.
With mixed emotions, it made me think of my dear friend Mo, who went to be with Jesus just a few months ago. I was sad due to missing him. I was sad that I couldn't call him and rejoice with him that decades of prayer were finally being answered. But I was happy and I was grateful. I am grateful for all he taught me.
During the years of our friendship and his spiritual mentoring, he taught me about "institutional racism". It's not the same outspoken racism like that seen in the KKK. This is a subconcious racism that is inbred in us and we don't even know it.
He would ask me questions such as: "if you are walking down the street at night and you see a guy who is poorly dressed and looks like trouble, would you be more scared if he was black?" An honest person would have to say yes. Or consider the local case of Michael Ellerbe. A 12 year old was with his friends as they attempted to steal a car. When the cops came, the boy ran. The cops shot him and killed him. Now I don't condone stealing a car. But here is a question... if Michael Ellerbe had been a blonde hair, blue eyed white boy, would the cops have been so quick to pull the trigger?
Mo used to call me out when I would unknowningly make a racist remark. I once told him that his father in law did not act like a black person. What is a black person supposed to act like? Do all white people act the same?
I am also grateful for the education Mo gave me. The education I should have received in school but did not. Mo gave me books, movies, documentaries, and music that taught me what my high school history class should have. Oh I learned about Martin Luther King, Jr. I learned about Rosa Parks. But it stopped there. Why didn't my teacher tell me about Emmitt Till? A young black boy who said hello to a white woman as he passed her in a store. Folks were so appalled that a black boy would speak to a white woman. They beat him to death, put his body in a bag and tossed it in the river. Or how about the lynchings that took place? People were burned to death for no reason other than the color of their skin. Why were these stories not in my history books? I did pose this question to one of my former teachers and they responded with yet another racist statement: we don't teach black history, we teach American history. HELLO!!!!!! It was done by Americans on American soil - that makes it American History. I think the real answer is that we want to hide our dirty laundry.
People have frustrated me for so long because they don't want to learn. Ignorance is bliss and so they would rather not know. After all, there are much more pleasant and positive things to talk about.
I believe learning these things is crucial to racial reconciliation. I know this generation did not bring the slaves from Africa. Most of my generation was not alive or very young during the Civil Rights movement. However, how can we become reconciled and become a diverse church and a diverse culture if we do not seek to understand each other? My understanding is not a clear as it should be, but it is much better than before my friendship with Mo. He taught me to at least attempt to see things from another perspective.
For instance, this president. I do not like Obama. In the words of MLK, I dislike Obama not because of the color of his skin but because of the content of his character (or lack thereof). However, I clearly understand and rejoice with the black community that a black man is capable of being elected. When Mo was young, he watched his own father speak to his family and say "this country will never allow a black man to be president." I am thankful that Mo got to see his father proved wrong. My prayer is for a GODLY president no matter his color, but I still understand their joy.
One of the things my pastors said this weekend was that we should seek to get to know and understand each other. Mentoring has helped me with this. Rashawnda introduced me to greens. I introduced her to pierogies. When I say I am going to get my hair done, I mean I am going to Super Cuts and I will be out in 20 minutes. When Rashawnda is getting her hair done, she is busy for the day.
Learning about each other and enjoying our differences is the first step in racial reconcilation. So even though I lament that Family Guy is a more accurate picture of reality today than The Cosby Show, I am thankful that we are taking a step in the right direction. It's just the beginning. So much more could have been said in that sermon. But I understand that the Gerber version was needed for folks who have never approached the subject.
After reading the books Mo gave me, I had a dream. Just like MLK I had a dream that this knowledge would spread to every ignorant ear and that this message would be preached from church pulpits. God is beginning to make our dreams a reality. And I hope that by the time I reach the Pearly Gates, I will have left a better earth than MLK and even a better earth than Mo left.
In my lifetime - and I am not THAT old - I have watched the rapid moral decline of society. In many ways, we are much worse than we were even when I was a teenager. However, this weekend I was encouraged as I heard my pastors speak on racial reconciliation from the pulpit.
With mixed emotions, it made me think of my dear friend Mo, who went to be with Jesus just a few months ago. I was sad due to missing him. I was sad that I couldn't call him and rejoice with him that decades of prayer were finally being answered. But I was happy and I was grateful. I am grateful for all he taught me.
During the years of our friendship and his spiritual mentoring, he taught me about "institutional racism". It's not the same outspoken racism like that seen in the KKK. This is a subconcious racism that is inbred in us and we don't even know it.
He would ask me questions such as: "if you are walking down the street at night and you see a guy who is poorly dressed and looks like trouble, would you be more scared if he was black?" An honest person would have to say yes. Or consider the local case of Michael Ellerbe. A 12 year old was with his friends as they attempted to steal a car. When the cops came, the boy ran. The cops shot him and killed him. Now I don't condone stealing a car. But here is a question... if Michael Ellerbe had been a blonde hair, blue eyed white boy, would the cops have been so quick to pull the trigger?
Mo used to call me out when I would unknowningly make a racist remark. I once told him that his father in law did not act like a black person. What is a black person supposed to act like? Do all white people act the same?
I am also grateful for the education Mo gave me. The education I should have received in school but did not. Mo gave me books, movies, documentaries, and music that taught me what my high school history class should have. Oh I learned about Martin Luther King, Jr. I learned about Rosa Parks. But it stopped there. Why didn't my teacher tell me about Emmitt Till? A young black boy who said hello to a white woman as he passed her in a store. Folks were so appalled that a black boy would speak to a white woman. They beat him to death, put his body in a bag and tossed it in the river. Or how about the lynchings that took place? People were burned to death for no reason other than the color of their skin. Why were these stories not in my history books? I did pose this question to one of my former teachers and they responded with yet another racist statement: we don't teach black history, we teach American history. HELLO!!!!!! It was done by Americans on American soil - that makes it American History. I think the real answer is that we want to hide our dirty laundry.
People have frustrated me for so long because they don't want to learn. Ignorance is bliss and so they would rather not know. After all, there are much more pleasant and positive things to talk about.
I believe learning these things is crucial to racial reconciliation. I know this generation did not bring the slaves from Africa. Most of my generation was not alive or very young during the Civil Rights movement. However, how can we become reconciled and become a diverse church and a diverse culture if we do not seek to understand each other? My understanding is not a clear as it should be, but it is much better than before my friendship with Mo. He taught me to at least attempt to see things from another perspective.
For instance, this president. I do not like Obama. In the words of MLK, I dislike Obama not because of the color of his skin but because of the content of his character (or lack thereof). However, I clearly understand and rejoice with the black community that a black man is capable of being elected. When Mo was young, he watched his own father speak to his family and say "this country will never allow a black man to be president." I am thankful that Mo got to see his father proved wrong. My prayer is for a GODLY president no matter his color, but I still understand their joy.
One of the things my pastors said this weekend was that we should seek to get to know and understand each other. Mentoring has helped me with this. Rashawnda introduced me to greens. I introduced her to pierogies. When I say I am going to get my hair done, I mean I am going to Super Cuts and I will be out in 20 minutes. When Rashawnda is getting her hair done, she is busy for the day.
Learning about each other and enjoying our differences is the first step in racial reconcilation. So even though I lament that Family Guy is a more accurate picture of reality today than The Cosby Show, I am thankful that we are taking a step in the right direction. It's just the beginning. So much more could have been said in that sermon. But I understand that the Gerber version was needed for folks who have never approached the subject.
After reading the books Mo gave me, I had a dream. Just like MLK I had a dream that this knowledge would spread to every ignorant ear and that this message would be preached from church pulpits. God is beginning to make our dreams a reality. And I hope that by the time I reach the Pearly Gates, I will have left a better earth than MLK and even a better earth than Mo left.
God's Loving Correction and Answered Prayer
Becoming a Christian at the young age of 14 and being a member of a church that excelled at Biblical teaching are two of my life's richest blessing. I was taught the foundations of Christianity in my first few years after giving my life to Christ and the Biblical instruction beyond First Principles began in my high school Bible class. One of the lessons I learned early on was to embrace discipline and correction. The Word tells us that God disciplines those He loves. Note - it does not say He "punishes" - it says He disciplines. Proverbs 12:1 says "he who loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid."
So I learned early to appreciate correction. Now of course I don't mean that I enjoy being yelled at, belittled, or being spoke to in a condescending manner. However, when a Godly person with a good heart speaks correction out of care and concern for me, I recognize it as a good thing - even if unpleasant. Recognizing correction as a good thing does not guarantee that my thick skull will get it on the first round. Some lessons have taken me years to learn. I appreciate the patience and unconditional love of the Godly people in my life. What I appreciate even more is when God decides to show me Himself - in a way that is undeniably God and no one else.
God has spent the last month or two doing just that. He has brought correction to me in the area of prayer. Obviously, being saved for 24 and half years - I pray. I don't even like to use the word "pray" because it sounds religious. I communicate with the Lord. I have a relationship with Him and in order to have a relationship there must be communication. (duh) So as much as prayer is a part of my life, I have not fully recognized its value and power until recently.
For years now, when I would talk with my mentor and friend about things that bothered me, she would say "why not talk to God about it" or "bring it before God - He will either change the circumstance or change my view or attitude about it". Truthfully, this ticked me off. Not because I don't want to pray - but I thought it was cop-out for those who lacked courage. If something wasn't right - we need to do something to fix it - don't just "pray".
In some instances, I still believe that. I do believe folks use prayer as a cop-out. For instance, we find out there are children starving to death in the world. Well, we will pray. God is up there saying - stop praying and get food to them.
Issues exist in our world that we can certainly act upon and bring about change. For those instances, we ought to pray, then act. The prayer is to seek God's direction on HOW He would have us help the situation.
As numerous as those instances are, there are a multitude of issues that we can't do one darn thing about. We can't change people. Heck, we can barely change ourselves. These are the instances that I have not recognized or trusted in the power of prayer and the power of God to act. Oh, I have prayed. I have spoken to God out of frustration because I could do nothing else. I don't believe I prayed expecting God to take care of it.
So God has spent the last two months increasing my faith and enhancing my prayer life. He has answered prayers that I have been praying for five years, as well as prayers that I prayed for 5 days.
A few examples:
Those who know me know that I love my church. It's not perfect by any means but it is my home. Since joining the church in 2007, I noticed that we didn't really embrace other cultures - especially in our music. This is an example of something I can do nothing about. I can't force a 4,000 member church to consider music that differs from what they are used to. By embracing different styles of worship - we would make more folks feel at home in our church. We would also benefit by understanding other cultures. For five years we have move forward singing Chris Tomlin. (Don't get me wrong - I love Chris Tomlin) For five years I have prayed that we as a church would get a little more cross-cultural in our worship. Truthfully, my prayers were complaints. "Lord, this white suburban church can't see beyond white suburbia...." In retrospect, the Lord was speaking to me sounding similar to a friend of mine. He was saying: "Relax, I got this." I didn't hear Him - and I wouldnt have believed Him anyway. I mean, after all, could the Creator of all things and the Ruler who reigns as King of kings and Lord of lords, really be capable of changing a white suburban church? (insert sarcasm here). Well, in November, during the Thanksgiving All Worship Night, we were worshipping intensely and I was totally wrapped up in worship. Totally unexpected, out of nowhere - a man slips quietly out of the choir and comes to the front... and starts rapping! I screamed like a teenager at a concert. Then I started to cry realizing that five years of prayer had been answered. I also started looking around to see if any old white folk needed CPR ;). God had been listening. God had cared. And God brought about change - in His time and without Raquel's help.
In early December, I noticed a Christian leader acting well, not like a Christian leader. I got angry. I don't want to go into detail here lest too many figure out who I am talking about. However, I got angry and I wanted to "do something." This is the Raquel way. However, this person wouldnt have listened to me and no one in leadership would have seen it as a big enough deal to intervene. So again, my numb skull complains to my friend and she says "how about praying for him?" Really? I truly thought a good punch in the head would fix things better than me praying. But, since I do have some degree of self-control. I prayed. A week later I received word that this person had apologized to the people who were mistreated. Again, God took care of it.
A more recent example happened at work. My co-worker got let go right in the middle of our busy time when we had multiple deadlines to meet. Okay, time to rise to the challenge. I came in on a Sunday afternoon to get caught up on some work and I find an email from my well-intentioned boss telling me she was going to send "temporary help". My first reaction was "Are you nuts?" Having to train someone in the middle of the deadline crunch would have been a disaster, not a help. But I was cranky and not in the frame of mind to speak to her about it in a respectful manner. So I just kept working and I asked God to please show her that this would not help me. Two days later in a team meeting, she announced that she decided against the temporary help. That was the second time I wanted to break out a tamborine in the middle of the office. (This first being when someone gave me hazelnut coffee). The funny thing with this one - I could have said something. I could have talked to her about it. But I didn't have the energy to funnel my emotions into respectful speech - so I gave it to God and He took care of it. :)
Lastly, we all know how I feel about the issue of racial reconciliation. I am not going to go into detail here - but another blog post is cooking on this subject. But I have prayed for DECADES, long before I came to North Way, that this issue would be discussed from our pulpits. After more than ten years of prayer, it was preached this weekend.
I think God has more than proved Himself. Moral of the story - when an issue arises and you can do something... pray, then act. When an issue arises that you can do nothing about.... pray, then pray, and then pray. In your conversations with God, He will either change the circumstances or He will change you or both. Every answer will come in His perfect timing, not ours. And the answer will come in a such a way that He will get the credit for it. Divine change will occur - and that beats any change that Raquel could ever bring about. :) I am thankful for His correction in my life - and His answered prayer.
So I learned early to appreciate correction. Now of course I don't mean that I enjoy being yelled at, belittled, or being spoke to in a condescending manner. However, when a Godly person with a good heart speaks correction out of care and concern for me, I recognize it as a good thing - even if unpleasant. Recognizing correction as a good thing does not guarantee that my thick skull will get it on the first round. Some lessons have taken me years to learn. I appreciate the patience and unconditional love of the Godly people in my life. What I appreciate even more is when God decides to show me Himself - in a way that is undeniably God and no one else.
God has spent the last month or two doing just that. He has brought correction to me in the area of prayer. Obviously, being saved for 24 and half years - I pray. I don't even like to use the word "pray" because it sounds religious. I communicate with the Lord. I have a relationship with Him and in order to have a relationship there must be communication. (duh) So as much as prayer is a part of my life, I have not fully recognized its value and power until recently.
For years now, when I would talk with my mentor and friend about things that bothered me, she would say "why not talk to God about it" or "bring it before God - He will either change the circumstance or change my view or attitude about it". Truthfully, this ticked me off. Not because I don't want to pray - but I thought it was cop-out for those who lacked courage. If something wasn't right - we need to do something to fix it - don't just "pray".
In some instances, I still believe that. I do believe folks use prayer as a cop-out. For instance, we find out there are children starving to death in the world. Well, we will pray. God is up there saying - stop praying and get food to them.
Issues exist in our world that we can certainly act upon and bring about change. For those instances, we ought to pray, then act. The prayer is to seek God's direction on HOW He would have us help the situation.
As numerous as those instances are, there are a multitude of issues that we can't do one darn thing about. We can't change people. Heck, we can barely change ourselves. These are the instances that I have not recognized or trusted in the power of prayer and the power of God to act. Oh, I have prayed. I have spoken to God out of frustration because I could do nothing else. I don't believe I prayed expecting God to take care of it.
So God has spent the last two months increasing my faith and enhancing my prayer life. He has answered prayers that I have been praying for five years, as well as prayers that I prayed for 5 days.
A few examples:
Those who know me know that I love my church. It's not perfect by any means but it is my home. Since joining the church in 2007, I noticed that we didn't really embrace other cultures - especially in our music. This is an example of something I can do nothing about. I can't force a 4,000 member church to consider music that differs from what they are used to. By embracing different styles of worship - we would make more folks feel at home in our church. We would also benefit by understanding other cultures. For five years we have move forward singing Chris Tomlin. (Don't get me wrong - I love Chris Tomlin) For five years I have prayed that we as a church would get a little more cross-cultural in our worship. Truthfully, my prayers were complaints. "Lord, this white suburban church can't see beyond white suburbia...." In retrospect, the Lord was speaking to me sounding similar to a friend of mine. He was saying: "Relax, I got this." I didn't hear Him - and I wouldnt have believed Him anyway. I mean, after all, could the Creator of all things and the Ruler who reigns as King of kings and Lord of lords, really be capable of changing a white suburban church? (insert sarcasm here). Well, in November, during the Thanksgiving All Worship Night, we were worshipping intensely and I was totally wrapped up in worship. Totally unexpected, out of nowhere - a man slips quietly out of the choir and comes to the front... and starts rapping! I screamed like a teenager at a concert. Then I started to cry realizing that five years of prayer had been answered. I also started looking around to see if any old white folk needed CPR ;). God had been listening. God had cared. And God brought about change - in His time and without Raquel's help.
In early December, I noticed a Christian leader acting well, not like a Christian leader. I got angry. I don't want to go into detail here lest too many figure out who I am talking about. However, I got angry and I wanted to "do something." This is the Raquel way. However, this person wouldnt have listened to me and no one in leadership would have seen it as a big enough deal to intervene. So again, my numb skull complains to my friend and she says "how about praying for him?" Really? I truly thought a good punch in the head would fix things better than me praying. But, since I do have some degree of self-control. I prayed. A week later I received word that this person had apologized to the people who were mistreated. Again, God took care of it.
A more recent example happened at work. My co-worker got let go right in the middle of our busy time when we had multiple deadlines to meet. Okay, time to rise to the challenge. I came in on a Sunday afternoon to get caught up on some work and I find an email from my well-intentioned boss telling me she was going to send "temporary help". My first reaction was "Are you nuts?" Having to train someone in the middle of the deadline crunch would have been a disaster, not a help. But I was cranky and not in the frame of mind to speak to her about it in a respectful manner. So I just kept working and I asked God to please show her that this would not help me. Two days later in a team meeting, she announced that she decided against the temporary help. That was the second time I wanted to break out a tamborine in the middle of the office. (This first being when someone gave me hazelnut coffee). The funny thing with this one - I could have said something. I could have talked to her about it. But I didn't have the energy to funnel my emotions into respectful speech - so I gave it to God and He took care of it. :)
Lastly, we all know how I feel about the issue of racial reconciliation. I am not going to go into detail here - but another blog post is cooking on this subject. But I have prayed for DECADES, long before I came to North Way, that this issue would be discussed from our pulpits. After more than ten years of prayer, it was preached this weekend.
I think God has more than proved Himself. Moral of the story - when an issue arises and you can do something... pray, then act. When an issue arises that you can do nothing about.... pray, then pray, and then pray. In your conversations with God, He will either change the circumstances or He will change you or both. Every answer will come in His perfect timing, not ours. And the answer will come in a such a way that He will get the credit for it. Divine change will occur - and that beats any change that Raquel could ever bring about. :) I am thankful for His correction in my life - and His answered prayer.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
So Close... And Yet So Far Away
I messed up today. Although I have been told that it was not as bad as I thought, I still feel pretty crummy. It's a kick in the pants because I had been doing so well.
As most of you know, my co-worker/trainer got let go last week. He and I shared the responsibility of preparing the monthly reports that go to our clients. His departure meant that task was soley in my hands. It was a little intimidating but I was up for the challenge. God has been proving many times over that this company is what He has for me at this point in my life. Knowing I was meant to be there, I knew God would help me with whatever difficulties there would be - if I stayed focused on Him and asked for help. This week is the week that reports needed to be prepared. So I had asked my closest friends to keep me in prayer and I have stayed close to the Lord all week. I have prayed and asked for wisdom and guidance on every obstacle - and of course He delivered. Even though I was busy and fatigued, I watched prayers get answered and God supply my needs.
I don't want to spend too much time boring you with the details of my job, but one of the goals since I started back in June has been to deliver the reports to management in time to give them enough time to review them before we have a meeting to discuss the reports. In the past, the managers would get them with only an hour or two (or sometimes less) to review before the meetings. I thought this practice was rude and inconsiderate. So I made it a personal goal to have the reports delivered to the managers 24 hours before their meeting. I have made progress toward the goal, but have yet to meet it with every client - and this is when I only had half the clients. This week, I was on track to meet it - with all the clients.
I had worked so hard and even though I barely knew what I was doing with the clients I havent work on before, most of the reports got to the managers 24 hours before the meeting. Except one. Why you ask? Because I needed 3 lousy numbers and no one could give them to me. When I sent an email to the person who typically gives them to me, she ignored me for three days. When I pushed a little harder, she told me that I should be talking to another person. So I went to the that person. She said she would get me the information. After giving her a day and touching base again - she told me to contact a third person. Long story short - I have been bounced around all week between these three people and as I type this, I still do not have my data. The report was due to the manager at 10am this morning - with the meeting at 10am Friday.
I started this blog by saying that I messed up. Not meeting my self-imposed deadline is not how I messed up. I messed up by what I allowed this situation to do to me. I got mad. Very, very mad. I made the situation all about me (and it wasnt about me). I had a deadline and these people kept me from hitting it. I felt they made me look bad and I was furious and frustrated. Its my name on the email that delivers the report to management - not theirs. This issue is not new this month. The only thing new was that I almost met my goal. In this little storm, I lost sight of the Lord and His purpose for me. I thought only of myself. My anger was at a level that it hasnt been in a long time. However, I was at work and I do want to continue being employed so I did not speak every thought in my head. I did "vent" a little too much to my supervisor. Though no one else really saw it, I had a temper tantrum. I started thinking: "I gave up the Lamp Leadership and the Ladies Bible study FOR THIS???" I have come in early, worked in the evenings at home, worked on Sunday FOR THIS? THIS is what I gave everything up for?" I gave 120% only to have three uncaring women halt my progress?
If you read the above paragraph, you will find an overused pronoun. Even as I typed it I made myself sick. Funny thing, I knew it was coming. I did well all week and received kudos from those above me. After three days of doing well I knew that pride could come in. Not the good pride - in a job well done - but the bad pride. The pride that thinks more highly of oneself that it ought and the pride that comes before a fall. I believe it was Tuesday night that I prayed and asked the Lord to keep me humble. I ask Him to keep pride far from me. Be careful what you pray for.
I think God allowed this situation. When I stepped away from my desk to deal with the tears brought on by anger that couldnt be released, I talked to the Lord and I said "how did I lose sight of you". The answer is always the same - I lose sight of Him when I look too much at me.
Oh but I can't tell you how much I love my sweet Savior. The Bible says that its His kindness that leads up to repentance. I felt Him look at me like a good Father would look at a remorseful child. He said "Raquel, you didnt give up the things you love for your company. You didnt give them up for your boss or your team. You temporarily gave them up for Me - because I asked you to" Yes Daddy, you are right. Jesus alone is the only one worth giving up those things for.
It scares me how quickly I lost sight of that. I got so upset when I felt those girls made my name look bad - that I made His name look bad. I am His child, I bear His name and I want folks to see Jesus in me.
And of course there always seems to be a song to go with the experience. This morning driving into work I heard the song "Lifesong". The first verse says:
Empty hands held high - such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life - I sing in vain tonight.
The song is referring to our worship. We can sing all the praises we want and worship the Lord through music, but if how we live our life isnt worship - our singing and music are in vain.
The last line of the chorus says:
I want to sign your name at the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to you.
I want to sign your name.... Man, I wasn't signing His name today - I was signing mine. But I am thankful for two things. One, the Lord protected me today. No one except my supervisor knew what I was going through. And apparently my supervisor didnt know as much as I thought. I apologized to her and she had no idea what I was apologizing for! Apparently, I didnt verbalize any where near what I thought I had. I still got kudos at the end of the day from her and my manager. Grace. Divine Favor.
But God looks at the heart. He knew I screwed up. But here is the second thing I am thankful for - and the most important. He already knew I was going to mess up. God knew. Jesus knew - and Jesus paid. Over 2000 years ago Jesus's body laid bound to a cross. One of the times that that hammer hit that nail further into His hand was for my sin today. Jesus long since defeated sin and He no longer feels the pain of those nails and I do not need to carry the pain and shame of my sin.
Because of Calvary, I am forgiven. When I spoke my repentance to the Lord and said: "Daddy, I am so sorry", He smiled - and just like my supervisor, He answered: "what for?"
Psalm 32 - Blessed is the man whose sins are forgiven.
As most of you know, my co-worker/trainer got let go last week. He and I shared the responsibility of preparing the monthly reports that go to our clients. His departure meant that task was soley in my hands. It was a little intimidating but I was up for the challenge. God has been proving many times over that this company is what He has for me at this point in my life. Knowing I was meant to be there, I knew God would help me with whatever difficulties there would be - if I stayed focused on Him and asked for help. This week is the week that reports needed to be prepared. So I had asked my closest friends to keep me in prayer and I have stayed close to the Lord all week. I have prayed and asked for wisdom and guidance on every obstacle - and of course He delivered. Even though I was busy and fatigued, I watched prayers get answered and God supply my needs.
I don't want to spend too much time boring you with the details of my job, but one of the goals since I started back in June has been to deliver the reports to management in time to give them enough time to review them before we have a meeting to discuss the reports. In the past, the managers would get them with only an hour or two (or sometimes less) to review before the meetings. I thought this practice was rude and inconsiderate. So I made it a personal goal to have the reports delivered to the managers 24 hours before their meeting. I have made progress toward the goal, but have yet to meet it with every client - and this is when I only had half the clients. This week, I was on track to meet it - with all the clients.
I had worked so hard and even though I barely knew what I was doing with the clients I havent work on before, most of the reports got to the managers 24 hours before the meeting. Except one. Why you ask? Because I needed 3 lousy numbers and no one could give them to me. When I sent an email to the person who typically gives them to me, she ignored me for three days. When I pushed a little harder, she told me that I should be talking to another person. So I went to the that person. She said she would get me the information. After giving her a day and touching base again - she told me to contact a third person. Long story short - I have been bounced around all week between these three people and as I type this, I still do not have my data. The report was due to the manager at 10am this morning - with the meeting at 10am Friday.
I started this blog by saying that I messed up. Not meeting my self-imposed deadline is not how I messed up. I messed up by what I allowed this situation to do to me. I got mad. Very, very mad. I made the situation all about me (and it wasnt about me). I had a deadline and these people kept me from hitting it. I felt they made me look bad and I was furious and frustrated. Its my name on the email that delivers the report to management - not theirs. This issue is not new this month. The only thing new was that I almost met my goal. In this little storm, I lost sight of the Lord and His purpose for me. I thought only of myself. My anger was at a level that it hasnt been in a long time. However, I was at work and I do want to continue being employed so I did not speak every thought in my head. I did "vent" a little too much to my supervisor. Though no one else really saw it, I had a temper tantrum. I started thinking: "I gave up the Lamp Leadership and the Ladies Bible study FOR THIS???" I have come in early, worked in the evenings at home, worked on Sunday FOR THIS? THIS is what I gave everything up for?" I gave 120% only to have three uncaring women halt my progress?
If you read the above paragraph, you will find an overused pronoun. Even as I typed it I made myself sick. Funny thing, I knew it was coming. I did well all week and received kudos from those above me. After three days of doing well I knew that pride could come in. Not the good pride - in a job well done - but the bad pride. The pride that thinks more highly of oneself that it ought and the pride that comes before a fall. I believe it was Tuesday night that I prayed and asked the Lord to keep me humble. I ask Him to keep pride far from me. Be careful what you pray for.
I think God allowed this situation. When I stepped away from my desk to deal with the tears brought on by anger that couldnt be released, I talked to the Lord and I said "how did I lose sight of you". The answer is always the same - I lose sight of Him when I look too much at me.
Oh but I can't tell you how much I love my sweet Savior. The Bible says that its His kindness that leads up to repentance. I felt Him look at me like a good Father would look at a remorseful child. He said "Raquel, you didnt give up the things you love for your company. You didnt give them up for your boss or your team. You temporarily gave them up for Me - because I asked you to" Yes Daddy, you are right. Jesus alone is the only one worth giving up those things for.
It scares me how quickly I lost sight of that. I got so upset when I felt those girls made my name look bad - that I made His name look bad. I am His child, I bear His name and I want folks to see Jesus in me.
And of course there always seems to be a song to go with the experience. This morning driving into work I heard the song "Lifesong". The first verse says:
Empty hands held high - such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life - I sing in vain tonight.
The song is referring to our worship. We can sing all the praises we want and worship the Lord through music, but if how we live our life isnt worship - our singing and music are in vain.
The last line of the chorus says:
I want to sign your name at the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to you.
I want to sign your name.... Man, I wasn't signing His name today - I was signing mine. But I am thankful for two things. One, the Lord protected me today. No one except my supervisor knew what I was going through. And apparently my supervisor didnt know as much as I thought. I apologized to her and she had no idea what I was apologizing for! Apparently, I didnt verbalize any where near what I thought I had. I still got kudos at the end of the day from her and my manager. Grace. Divine Favor.
But God looks at the heart. He knew I screwed up. But here is the second thing I am thankful for - and the most important. He already knew I was going to mess up. God knew. Jesus knew - and Jesus paid. Over 2000 years ago Jesus's body laid bound to a cross. One of the times that that hammer hit that nail further into His hand was for my sin today. Jesus long since defeated sin and He no longer feels the pain of those nails and I do not need to carry the pain and shame of my sin.
Because of Calvary, I am forgiven. When I spoke my repentance to the Lord and said: "Daddy, I am so sorry", He smiled - and just like my supervisor, He answered: "what for?"
Psalm 32 - Blessed is the man whose sins are forgiven.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Wonderfully Difficult
I had to make some difficult decisions today. The Lord had been speaking in that still, small voice for awhile now and I have tried to pretend I could not hear Him. So He spoke a little plainer and louder and finally I came to point of saying "yes, Lord". His response to my obedience has been beyond amazing.
After my insane weekend that I talked about in my last blog, I went to work early on Monday. I have to leave work at 4 on Mondays to make it to school on time so I am supposed to go in at 7. I was sitting in my cube at 6:10 in the morning. I ate lunch at my desk and continued working straight till 4. When I left for my first day of class, I was already tired. However, I ended up thoroughly enjoying the class and I love the professor so that helped my energy. At 8:55 pm the professor gives us our homework. I have absolutely no idea when I am supposed to get all that work done.
This morning I had breakfast with my friend and spiritual mentor. We had missed a few weeks over the holidays and we had much to catch up on. I told her how I believe God has me right where He wants me in my job and with school. He has confirmed it many times, many ways. However, I came to the conclusion that more had to be dropped from my plate than I originally thought. As much as I hated to do this, I would have to step down from the Lamp Leadership Team. I knew it was coming, but I was in denial. I wanted to call Pastor Bryan and tell him over the phone but every time I tried I would start to cry. So I chickened out and sent him an email explaining why I had to step down. That was hard. But God wasnt finished. I knew what He wanted me to do, but it didnt make sense to me (another reason I knew it was Him). I again pretended not to feel His nudging. But during the day today I spoke with my best friend on the phone and she said "Raquel, you can not lead the Beth Moore Bible study - you just can't do it". I knew she was right but my defenses went up. I said "well, I have to - I already told Carol Passavant that I would and the Bible says let your yes be yes and your no be no." She said "Raquel, call Carol and tell her your circumstances have changed and you cant do it". I hung up the phone but I just couldnt do it. I couldn't give up the ladies Bible study. Not only do I love being around those ladies but I need the accountability. And besides, my license plate is PS8410. Psalm 84:10 says "Better is one day in the house of the Lord then a thousand days elsewhere". So why would I give up my time in church??? I knew it was time to stop arguing and just obey - but I can't express how hard of a struggle it was. So as I am dealing with this mental battle - my phone vibrates. My tears of frustration turned into laughter and tears of joy - on my phone was an email from Carol Passavant - an email saying they had too many Thursday leaders! I called Carol and told her how timely and God-sent her email was. She and I laughed and she was supportive and undestanding and was happy to let me step away for awhile. She said they have never had the "problem" of too many leaders. This was God - God had helped me to obey Him.
As I continued working, I was thinking about how this whole thing still doesnt make sense. I wasn't upset anymore - I was chuckling. Then I remembered something from my past. My spiritual journey began with a story quite like this one.
I was raised Catholic and I was in church every Sunday (and "holy day"). When I was 14, I went with my friend to her church for a youth meeting. This church was way different than mine. But I loved this church and I loved the people. However, my parents were devout Catholics and they thought this church was a cult. They forbid me to go. My original plan was to sneak to church. At that time, my thought was "how many parents would LOVE their 14 year old to want to go to church... mine are forbidding me to go!" I spoke to the pastor and explained how I would sneak to church and she said "oh no you wont." She told me that the Bible tells children to obey their parents and I had to obey mine. That was not what I wanted to hear. She also told me something else. She said "Raquel, if you do what is right, right will come back to you".
So in August of 1988 I stopped going to Abundant Life and continued in the Catholic church. In March of 1989, my birthday was on Sunday. My parents decided that as a birthday present they would let me go to Abundant Life just for that Sunday. It was glorious. A few weeks later - out of nowhere - my father says to me: "Raquel, I can see how happy you are there - so go." It didn't end there. What I didn't know at the time is that my parents had gone to speak with the pastors and I was excepted into the Abundant Life Academy for my last 3 years of high school.
Pastor Susan was right - I did what was right in obeying my parents for 8 long months. Right came back to me and the blessing was tripled. I went to my new church, got enrolled in their school, and about a year later, my parents walked away from religion and into a relationship with Christ for themselves.
I made a difficult decision in 1988 and I made a difficult decision today. But the Lord helped me and just as He blessed me in my teenage years, I believe He will bless me again. He already has. Seeing the Lord's presence and active hand in my life is amazing. My new journey is wonderfully difficult. But I drove home today and a song came on that summed everything up:
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
This one thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
Cause This one thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
After my insane weekend that I talked about in my last blog, I went to work early on Monday. I have to leave work at 4 on Mondays to make it to school on time so I am supposed to go in at 7. I was sitting in my cube at 6:10 in the morning. I ate lunch at my desk and continued working straight till 4. When I left for my first day of class, I was already tired. However, I ended up thoroughly enjoying the class and I love the professor so that helped my energy. At 8:55 pm the professor gives us our homework. I have absolutely no idea when I am supposed to get all that work done.
This morning I had breakfast with my friend and spiritual mentor. We had missed a few weeks over the holidays and we had much to catch up on. I told her how I believe God has me right where He wants me in my job and with school. He has confirmed it many times, many ways. However, I came to the conclusion that more had to be dropped from my plate than I originally thought. As much as I hated to do this, I would have to step down from the Lamp Leadership Team. I knew it was coming, but I was in denial. I wanted to call Pastor Bryan and tell him over the phone but every time I tried I would start to cry. So I chickened out and sent him an email explaining why I had to step down. That was hard. But God wasnt finished. I knew what He wanted me to do, but it didnt make sense to me (another reason I knew it was Him). I again pretended not to feel His nudging. But during the day today I spoke with my best friend on the phone and she said "Raquel, you can not lead the Beth Moore Bible study - you just can't do it". I knew she was right but my defenses went up. I said "well, I have to - I already told Carol Passavant that I would and the Bible says let your yes be yes and your no be no." She said "Raquel, call Carol and tell her your circumstances have changed and you cant do it". I hung up the phone but I just couldnt do it. I couldn't give up the ladies Bible study. Not only do I love being around those ladies but I need the accountability. And besides, my license plate is PS8410. Psalm 84:10 says "Better is one day in the house of the Lord then a thousand days elsewhere". So why would I give up my time in church??? I knew it was time to stop arguing and just obey - but I can't express how hard of a struggle it was. So as I am dealing with this mental battle - my phone vibrates. My tears of frustration turned into laughter and tears of joy - on my phone was an email from Carol Passavant - an email saying they had too many Thursday leaders! I called Carol and told her how timely and God-sent her email was. She and I laughed and she was supportive and undestanding and was happy to let me step away for awhile. She said they have never had the "problem" of too many leaders. This was God - God had helped me to obey Him.
As I continued working, I was thinking about how this whole thing still doesnt make sense. I wasn't upset anymore - I was chuckling. Then I remembered something from my past. My spiritual journey began with a story quite like this one.
I was raised Catholic and I was in church every Sunday (and "holy day"). When I was 14, I went with my friend to her church for a youth meeting. This church was way different than mine. But I loved this church and I loved the people. However, my parents were devout Catholics and they thought this church was a cult. They forbid me to go. My original plan was to sneak to church. At that time, my thought was "how many parents would LOVE their 14 year old to want to go to church... mine are forbidding me to go!" I spoke to the pastor and explained how I would sneak to church and she said "oh no you wont." She told me that the Bible tells children to obey their parents and I had to obey mine. That was not what I wanted to hear. She also told me something else. She said "Raquel, if you do what is right, right will come back to you".
So in August of 1988 I stopped going to Abundant Life and continued in the Catholic church. In March of 1989, my birthday was on Sunday. My parents decided that as a birthday present they would let me go to Abundant Life just for that Sunday. It was glorious. A few weeks later - out of nowhere - my father says to me: "Raquel, I can see how happy you are there - so go." It didn't end there. What I didn't know at the time is that my parents had gone to speak with the pastors and I was excepted into the Abundant Life Academy for my last 3 years of high school.
Pastor Susan was right - I did what was right in obeying my parents for 8 long months. Right came back to me and the blessing was tripled. I went to my new church, got enrolled in their school, and about a year later, my parents walked away from religion and into a relationship with Christ for themselves.
I made a difficult decision in 1988 and I made a difficult decision today. But the Lord helped me and just as He blessed me in my teenage years, I believe He will bless me again. He already has. Seeing the Lord's presence and active hand in my life is amazing. My new journey is wonderfully difficult. But I drove home today and a song came on that summed everything up:
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
This one thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
Cause This one thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Battles - Seen and Unseen
These past four days have been insane. Not necessarily bad, just insane. On Thursday, my co-worker who was the one who trained me got let go. I felt bad for him - because I have been in the position of suffering the consequences of my stupid decisions and it's not a fun place to be. At the same time, I had to "step up to the plate" as I am now the one responsible for the clients' reports. I had prayed for my co-worker and then prayed for the rest of the team and I really felt God's peace and I knew He would enable me to do what needed done.
I thought Friday was pretty good. I made the effort to go in early and stay on top of things and I felt okay. The day was long and I was mentally and physically exhausted in the end, but still in good spirits.
Saturday - UGH! On Saturday I made an unintentional mistake that caused such a tsunami of emotions in me. I am beginning an Adult Accelerated Program at Carlow University. I will be taking classes on Monday evenings and every other Saturday. This Saturday was new student orientation. It was scheduled from 12-4. I got there early because I was told the bookstore closed at 1 that day and I wanted to get my books before orientation. Upon registering for orientation, I discovered that my Saturday class began that morning! I was supposed to be in class at 8am and I didnt realize it. I panicked. Big time. Because it was 11:30 and the class is scheduled 8-12, someone took me to the classroom. It was empty. They assumed the teacher let the first class go early and they told me to email him. Well, he didnt let the class go early. This is a Biology class and he already had the students in the lab!
Apparently, the class is 3 hours of lecture followed by an hour of lab and I had missed it all. I am a person who either does things with excellence - or just doesnt do it. I was crushed to have made this mistake. The professor met with me in his office after class. He gave me the syllabus and a stack of other papers. There is no real way to hear his lecture and no way to make up the lab. And there will be a quiz next class! Thankfully, there is an extra credit project I can do to make up some grade points. Sitting with him caused me to miss the first 30 minutes of orientation - which was lunch. I then sat through 3 hours of orientation. Afterwards I went to the bookstore. I only had enough money to get books for two of my three classes. The second class doesnt start till March 11th so I have time. But two books cost me $300 - for thin paperbacks. I thought the day would end there, but it didn't. They lined us up to get our parking passes. At CCAC, they simply checked my student id and then gave me a parking sticker to keep in my car window. Here, they looked at my schedule and asked me to pay $120 for a parking pass! I just spent $300 on books and I didnt have the money for this. I wasnt expecting it. So my Monday class starts tomorrow and I am unable to park on campus.
So today is Sunday. Typically one of my favorite days and it has been up and down. Church was great. I was so thankful to be back in a worship service. I was soooo done with the Christmas carols. Pastor Jay spoke a message that I really needed to hear (of course). Then I went to breakfast with my friends which I always love.
So after breakfast I head to the office - wanting to stay on top of things. As I am driving there I am talking to a friend who is yelling at me and calling me names for "volunteering" to work on a Sunday. That upset me because many many many times I have been able to leave work early to take care of personal business. I am happy to give back when I need to and putting in the extra works BENEFITS ME! (HELLO!!!)
So I was already cranky when I got to the office. It's amazing how I can allow one conversation to take away the good morning of church and breakfast. I log on and check my email and ended up being snippy to someone I care about. I hate when I do that. Just to ice the cake, I felt a migraine starting before breakfast and I took Excedrin. Well it came back with a vengence and I got an upset stomach to boot. Not easy to work when you feel sick like that. I left at 4pm with a long list of things still needing to be done at home.
All the above ramblings have been my "seen" battles - the physical, daily, battles.
They are the easy ones. The spiritual and mental battles are a roller coaster and I quite frankly want to get off the ride.
When my co-worker was let go, I knew it was a time to accept the challenge and step up and show folks what I can do. I felt willing to do whatever it takes and I wanted to give back to the company for all they have given me.
When I began the journey with school, I knew it would not be easy. I knew sacrifices would need to be made. They say you should plan that for every credit you are taking, to spend 2 additional hours each week with homework. So I am taking 7 credits - I will need approx 14 hours a week for homework. Yeah.
So of course I have to think about where the sacrifices will be. My family and friends speak logically and tell me I cannot continue all my church activities. I still mentor every other Sunday from 1-5. I am still on the LAMP Leadership teams which meets once a month but I am supposed to be doing things besides attending the meeting. I fill communion cups once a month. I lead the Thursday evening ladies Bible study. I had just resigned from my work on the hospitality team. However, I was asked to be a Community Leader and oversee a few small groups. Obviously, I can't do all this and do my job and be a good student. It's impossible. So what do I keep and what do I resign from. I decided that I had to continue leading the Thursday night ladies Bible study because when I don't do it, I dont study the Bible. I need the curriculum and the accountability of the group.
As much as it will pain me, I probably have to decline being a Community Leader, and I will probably sob like a child when I email Pastor Bryan and resign from the LAMP Leadership team. I know, I can't have my cake and eat it too. I can hear the voice of dear friend and mentor who went to be with Jesus a few months ago saying to me: "Raquel, what you want, depends a lot upon what you want".
My battle with what to keep and what to quit is actually an unseen battle. Because the real issue is - I have staked my identity in what I do for the kingdom of God. I love to serve in the church. I remember a few years ago one of my pastors said to me "Raquel, you serve this church in ways that I wish everyone would". Another pastor said to me "Raquel, if I had ten of you, we could change the world". I have been known for all I do in the church - and now I am backing away from most of it.
However, where I have gone wrong is in my thinking. The Bible does say "Seek first the Kingdom of God". But it does not define the Kingdom of God as being "church" or church activities. I believe what the Word is saying is to seek God first, and then follow His will for your life as top priority. I truly believe God has lead me to my company. My schooling will help me to do better and stay with that company. So if it is indeed God's will for me to be in this company, then I am seeking first His kingdom by doing well in my job and working as unto the Lord like Scripture says.
As much as I know that - I still feel horrible for ceasing some church activities. I don't feel like its a "sin", I just feel like its not me.
My biggest fear in all of this is losing connections with fellow Christians. God never intended the church to be some place we went to once a week. The church is the people, not the steeple and God intended for us to be in community with other believers. A dear and strong Christian woman, Veronica Reilly, once said that it is important that we benefit from the riches God placed in each of us. We cant do that if all we do is attend a church service and leave.
These are my battles - seen and unseen. God is taking my life in a new direction. I feel His leading, I sense His confirmation, I feel His peace and divine enablement. Yet, I feel like I don't know who I am- and I am afraid of unintentionally ending up on a proverbial island, isolated from strong Christians.
Do I have this all figured out? No. But Pastor Jay had many comforting words in his sermon. God not only loves me, He likes me. And in the end - we win.
That is enough to anchor me while the battle goes on. :)
I thought Friday was pretty good. I made the effort to go in early and stay on top of things and I felt okay. The day was long and I was mentally and physically exhausted in the end, but still in good spirits.
Saturday - UGH! On Saturday I made an unintentional mistake that caused such a tsunami of emotions in me. I am beginning an Adult Accelerated Program at Carlow University. I will be taking classes on Monday evenings and every other Saturday. This Saturday was new student orientation. It was scheduled from 12-4. I got there early because I was told the bookstore closed at 1 that day and I wanted to get my books before orientation. Upon registering for orientation, I discovered that my Saturday class began that morning! I was supposed to be in class at 8am and I didnt realize it. I panicked. Big time. Because it was 11:30 and the class is scheduled 8-12, someone took me to the classroom. It was empty. They assumed the teacher let the first class go early and they told me to email him. Well, he didnt let the class go early. This is a Biology class and he already had the students in the lab!
Apparently, the class is 3 hours of lecture followed by an hour of lab and I had missed it all. I am a person who either does things with excellence - or just doesnt do it. I was crushed to have made this mistake. The professor met with me in his office after class. He gave me the syllabus and a stack of other papers. There is no real way to hear his lecture and no way to make up the lab. And there will be a quiz next class! Thankfully, there is an extra credit project I can do to make up some grade points. Sitting with him caused me to miss the first 30 minutes of orientation - which was lunch. I then sat through 3 hours of orientation. Afterwards I went to the bookstore. I only had enough money to get books for two of my three classes. The second class doesnt start till March 11th so I have time. But two books cost me $300 - for thin paperbacks. I thought the day would end there, but it didn't. They lined us up to get our parking passes. At CCAC, they simply checked my student id and then gave me a parking sticker to keep in my car window. Here, they looked at my schedule and asked me to pay $120 for a parking pass! I just spent $300 on books and I didnt have the money for this. I wasnt expecting it. So my Monday class starts tomorrow and I am unable to park on campus.
So today is Sunday. Typically one of my favorite days and it has been up and down. Church was great. I was so thankful to be back in a worship service. I was soooo done with the Christmas carols. Pastor Jay spoke a message that I really needed to hear (of course). Then I went to breakfast with my friends which I always love.
So after breakfast I head to the office - wanting to stay on top of things. As I am driving there I am talking to a friend who is yelling at me and calling me names for "volunteering" to work on a Sunday. That upset me because many many many times I have been able to leave work early to take care of personal business. I am happy to give back when I need to and putting in the extra works BENEFITS ME! (HELLO!!!)
So I was already cranky when I got to the office. It's amazing how I can allow one conversation to take away the good morning of church and breakfast. I log on and check my email and ended up being snippy to someone I care about. I hate when I do that. Just to ice the cake, I felt a migraine starting before breakfast and I took Excedrin. Well it came back with a vengence and I got an upset stomach to boot. Not easy to work when you feel sick like that. I left at 4pm with a long list of things still needing to be done at home.
All the above ramblings have been my "seen" battles - the physical, daily, battles.
They are the easy ones. The spiritual and mental battles are a roller coaster and I quite frankly want to get off the ride.
When my co-worker was let go, I knew it was a time to accept the challenge and step up and show folks what I can do. I felt willing to do whatever it takes and I wanted to give back to the company for all they have given me.
When I began the journey with school, I knew it would not be easy. I knew sacrifices would need to be made. They say you should plan that for every credit you are taking, to spend 2 additional hours each week with homework. So I am taking 7 credits - I will need approx 14 hours a week for homework. Yeah.
So of course I have to think about where the sacrifices will be. My family and friends speak logically and tell me I cannot continue all my church activities. I still mentor every other Sunday from 1-5. I am still on the LAMP Leadership teams which meets once a month but I am supposed to be doing things besides attending the meeting. I fill communion cups once a month. I lead the Thursday evening ladies Bible study. I had just resigned from my work on the hospitality team. However, I was asked to be a Community Leader and oversee a few small groups. Obviously, I can't do all this and do my job and be a good student. It's impossible. So what do I keep and what do I resign from. I decided that I had to continue leading the Thursday night ladies Bible study because when I don't do it, I dont study the Bible. I need the curriculum and the accountability of the group.
As much as it will pain me, I probably have to decline being a Community Leader, and I will probably sob like a child when I email Pastor Bryan and resign from the LAMP Leadership team. I know, I can't have my cake and eat it too. I can hear the voice of dear friend and mentor who went to be with Jesus a few months ago saying to me: "Raquel, what you want, depends a lot upon what you want".
My battle with what to keep and what to quit is actually an unseen battle. Because the real issue is - I have staked my identity in what I do for the kingdom of God. I love to serve in the church. I remember a few years ago one of my pastors said to me "Raquel, you serve this church in ways that I wish everyone would". Another pastor said to me "Raquel, if I had ten of you, we could change the world". I have been known for all I do in the church - and now I am backing away from most of it.
However, where I have gone wrong is in my thinking. The Bible does say "Seek first the Kingdom of God". But it does not define the Kingdom of God as being "church" or church activities. I believe what the Word is saying is to seek God first, and then follow His will for your life as top priority. I truly believe God has lead me to my company. My schooling will help me to do better and stay with that company. So if it is indeed God's will for me to be in this company, then I am seeking first His kingdom by doing well in my job and working as unto the Lord like Scripture says.
As much as I know that - I still feel horrible for ceasing some church activities. I don't feel like its a "sin", I just feel like its not me.
My biggest fear in all of this is losing connections with fellow Christians. God never intended the church to be some place we went to once a week. The church is the people, not the steeple and God intended for us to be in community with other believers. A dear and strong Christian woman, Veronica Reilly, once said that it is important that we benefit from the riches God placed in each of us. We cant do that if all we do is attend a church service and leave.
These are my battles - seen and unseen. God is taking my life in a new direction. I feel His leading, I sense His confirmation, I feel His peace and divine enablement. Yet, I feel like I don't know who I am- and I am afraid of unintentionally ending up on a proverbial island, isolated from strong Christians.
Do I have this all figured out? No. But Pastor Jay had many comforting words in his sermon. God not only loves me, He likes me. And in the end - we win.
That is enough to anchor me while the battle goes on. :)
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
I KNOW WHAT I WANT! I think...
Today was interesting. At work I got to meet the new manager who oversees the my group. She gave a presentation for objectives for 2013. I loved her and I loved the meeting. She has a passion for what she does and it shows. Her enthusiasm is catchy and her commitment to excellence is admirable. And... she is a fellow Christian. I found myself excited for the upcoming year. I was thanking the Lord for bringing me to my company when I realized what I was doing. Thanking the Lord? This isn't a church - it's corporate America. I am not assisting inner-city youth or third world children - I am serving Fortune 500 banks. I am not a pastor's wife - I am not anyone's wife. This isn't what I wanted. So then why I am happy and excited about it? Because I have finally surrendered to the fact that I am in the center of God's will for my life - and He knows better than I do.
I can't count the number of times I believed that I knew what I wanted. I struggled and strive to acheive whatever it was and when I failed I was sad and miserable. Only to find out later that whatever I was chasing - I am glad I did not catch it. I didn't know it then - but God did.
So when will I learn to trust Him? He has proven time and time again that His Ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts - but they are better than mine.
A few moments before the meeting started, I found out there was another meeting taking place - an all staff meeting at my church. Four years ago, I wanted nothing more than to be on staff at North Way. I knocked on every door looking for one to open. I didn't know then what I know now. I love my church and I love the people - but I am not fit to be on staff. I wouldnt last a whole day and my friends would become my enemies. I am thankful that God had me in the right conference room today.
Scripture tells us that "many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails". I had many plans for my life - and almost none of them have come to pass. With my natural eyes, I seem a life of unfulfilled dreams and unmet wishes. But with my eyes of faith, I am beginning to see a life of a fulfilled God-given destiny. I knew what I wanted, but I am starting to appreciate that God said "no". I think my Father really does know best.
I can't count the number of times I believed that I knew what I wanted. I struggled and strive to acheive whatever it was and when I failed I was sad and miserable. Only to find out later that whatever I was chasing - I am glad I did not catch it. I didn't know it then - but God did.
So when will I learn to trust Him? He has proven time and time again that His Ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts - but they are better than mine.
A few moments before the meeting started, I found out there was another meeting taking place - an all staff meeting at my church. Four years ago, I wanted nothing more than to be on staff at North Way. I knocked on every door looking for one to open. I didn't know then what I know now. I love my church and I love the people - but I am not fit to be on staff. I wouldnt last a whole day and my friends would become my enemies. I am thankful that God had me in the right conference room today.
Scripture tells us that "many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails". I had many plans for my life - and almost none of them have come to pass. With my natural eyes, I seem a life of unfulfilled dreams and unmet wishes. But with my eyes of faith, I am beginning to see a life of a fulfilled God-given destiny. I knew what I wanted, but I am starting to appreciate that God said "no". I think my Father really does know best.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
New Beginnings and How It All Began
It's New Years Day 2013 and like everyone else I have taken time to look back in reflection and look ahead with planning and anticipation. The past year will not go down in my life's history as one of my favorites. Like any other year, it was filled with highs and lows, ups and downs. With my natural eyes, the lows were lower than normal and more painful and hard to get over. However, my spiritual eyes and my knowledge of the Truth (God's Word) tell me that God works all things for my good. Someday, I will walk side by side with Jesus and I will see clearly that His plan was perfect for me. For now, I must live by faith.
2012 was not just a difficult year for me. We experienced Hurricane Sandy and Sandy Hook and a myriad of other hardships. At times it may have seemed difficult to see God in the midst of these circumstances. I know I went through a dry season in my spiritual walk and I did not sense His Presence in the way that I typical do. So why all these hardships? Why can life be so tough? We need look no further than Genesis 1.
I got a new one year chronological Bible with readings for every day of the year in the order that the events occured. So this morning I read the Creation story as well as the story of the Fall of Man. See, when God created man, God had no intention of our lives being filled with hardship and turmoil and toil. God placed Adam and Eve in a beautiful garden that had all the food they could want. They didn't have to labor for it. God walked among them in the garden and spoke with them daily. They didn't struggle to hear a still small voice - they heard Him clearly. Oh they heard, but they didn't listen. God only gave them one rule. Just one. Do not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. We all know the story. The serpent deceived Eve. She convinced Adam. They ate the fruit... What really happened here? God had provided their every need. They knew no sorrow, no pain, they lacked nothing, they knew not the shame of sin (yet). All they had to do to maintain this carefree life was surrender and submit to God's design, God's plan. One rule - that was it. And it was a rule God gave to PROTECT them - not because He delighted in His authority. But Adam and Eve decided God didn't really know what He was doing. He couldn't possibly be right. Perhaps they even thought His ways were "old fashion" and times had changed and it was time for a new way. Well they got a new way. They were evicted from the Garden of Eden and made to toil for their food. With a list of consequences, sin had entered the world... and its been downhill ever since.
Before we get too upset with Adam and Eve, let's look in the mirror. We do exactly what they did ever time we choose our way over God's way. Each time we put ourselves in the drivers seat of our lives and have the Lord as a good luck charm in the trunk that we pull out in emergencies, we are committing the same sin that Adam and Eve did. By our actions we say: "God, we know better than you do how our lives should be run". So God's replies: "have it your way". 2012 was a picture of what "our way" looks like. Selfishness and self-centeredness gave birth to sin. Sin gave birth to sorrow, pain, loss, death.
Oh but thanks be to God that even when we have made a terrible mess, He does not leave us that way! His original intention in creating mankind is still His intention today. He desires an intimate relationship with each of us. Yes, the wages of sin is death and sin separates us from God. But God so loved us that He sent His son Jesus. Jesus left the perfection of heaven to come to this sin-stained world and be crucified. He took the punishment of our sins upon Himself. With His death He paid the price and with His resurrection He defeated sin and death and enabled us to not only have eternal life, but to have abundant life here on earth as we walk closely in relationship with our Savior. All we have to do is accept and receive that gift.
For me, I entered into a personal relationship with Jesus 24 years ago. My eternal life has been purchased with His blood and secured. However, my abundant life is a process and a daily choice. It amazes me that after 24 years, I still sometimes choose to do things my way. I still sometimes think I know what is best for me more than He does. I make decisions independently of Him, and then boy do I react when I don't like the way things have turned out.
I am so grateful that God is a God of New Beginnings. And you know what? It does not have to be a new year to have a new beginning. The Bible says His mercies are new every morning. He continually provides me with a clean slate and offers His love, His guidance, His wisdom, and His Presence to be with me each day. No, life will not be a bed of roses - not even in this new year. Sin will remain in this world until His Second Coming. But each day I have a choice. I can choose to think, act, and live independently and accept how that turns out, or I can choose to wake up, seek His face, seek His Will and surrender to it... and walk through this world hand in hand with my Creator, Savior, Father, and best friend, trusting that He will bring me through life's storms and accomplish His perfect will in my life. His ways do not always make sense. But both He and I have proven our track records. I like His better - and I am thankful for yet another new beginning to choose His Way once more.
2012 was not just a difficult year for me. We experienced Hurricane Sandy and Sandy Hook and a myriad of other hardships. At times it may have seemed difficult to see God in the midst of these circumstances. I know I went through a dry season in my spiritual walk and I did not sense His Presence in the way that I typical do. So why all these hardships? Why can life be so tough? We need look no further than Genesis 1.
I got a new one year chronological Bible with readings for every day of the year in the order that the events occured. So this morning I read the Creation story as well as the story of the Fall of Man. See, when God created man, God had no intention of our lives being filled with hardship and turmoil and toil. God placed Adam and Eve in a beautiful garden that had all the food they could want. They didn't have to labor for it. God walked among them in the garden and spoke with them daily. They didn't struggle to hear a still small voice - they heard Him clearly. Oh they heard, but they didn't listen. God only gave them one rule. Just one. Do not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. We all know the story. The serpent deceived Eve. She convinced Adam. They ate the fruit... What really happened here? God had provided their every need. They knew no sorrow, no pain, they lacked nothing, they knew not the shame of sin (yet). All they had to do to maintain this carefree life was surrender and submit to God's design, God's plan. One rule - that was it. And it was a rule God gave to PROTECT them - not because He delighted in His authority. But Adam and Eve decided God didn't really know what He was doing. He couldn't possibly be right. Perhaps they even thought His ways were "old fashion" and times had changed and it was time for a new way. Well they got a new way. They were evicted from the Garden of Eden and made to toil for their food. With a list of consequences, sin had entered the world... and its been downhill ever since.
Before we get too upset with Adam and Eve, let's look in the mirror. We do exactly what they did ever time we choose our way over God's way. Each time we put ourselves in the drivers seat of our lives and have the Lord as a good luck charm in the trunk that we pull out in emergencies, we are committing the same sin that Adam and Eve did. By our actions we say: "God, we know better than you do how our lives should be run". So God's replies: "have it your way". 2012 was a picture of what "our way" looks like. Selfishness and self-centeredness gave birth to sin. Sin gave birth to sorrow, pain, loss, death.
Oh but thanks be to God that even when we have made a terrible mess, He does not leave us that way! His original intention in creating mankind is still His intention today. He desires an intimate relationship with each of us. Yes, the wages of sin is death and sin separates us from God. But God so loved us that He sent His son Jesus. Jesus left the perfection of heaven to come to this sin-stained world and be crucified. He took the punishment of our sins upon Himself. With His death He paid the price and with His resurrection He defeated sin and death and enabled us to not only have eternal life, but to have abundant life here on earth as we walk closely in relationship with our Savior. All we have to do is accept and receive that gift.
For me, I entered into a personal relationship with Jesus 24 years ago. My eternal life has been purchased with His blood and secured. However, my abundant life is a process and a daily choice. It amazes me that after 24 years, I still sometimes choose to do things my way. I still sometimes think I know what is best for me more than He does. I make decisions independently of Him, and then boy do I react when I don't like the way things have turned out.
I am so grateful that God is a God of New Beginnings. And you know what? It does not have to be a new year to have a new beginning. The Bible says His mercies are new every morning. He continually provides me with a clean slate and offers His love, His guidance, His wisdom, and His Presence to be with me each day. No, life will not be a bed of roses - not even in this new year. Sin will remain in this world until His Second Coming. But each day I have a choice. I can choose to think, act, and live independently and accept how that turns out, or I can choose to wake up, seek His face, seek His Will and surrender to it... and walk through this world hand in hand with my Creator, Savior, Father, and best friend, trusting that He will bring me through life's storms and accomplish His perfect will in my life. His ways do not always make sense. But both He and I have proven our track records. I like His better - and I am thankful for yet another new beginning to choose His Way once more.
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