It's been over a week since my surgery and I am still at home recovering. A hidden blessing this surgery has brought is the ability to focus on my schoolwork full time and hopefully end the semester well. I have been inundated with schoolwork and I have no clue how I would have gotten all the work done if I were working as usual. For the past three days I have spent a minimum of 8 hours per day at my desk focused solely on Intermediate Accounting.
Today I received North Way's Year End Giving mailing and it reminded me that I have been meaning to go to the website www.nwimmeasurablymore.org and check out all of the things they mentioned at the family meetings. So I figured it would be a welcomed break from school work and I grabbed a snack and logged on.
The information on that website was thrilling. I had an excitement that I hadn't felt in so long. When I watched the video for the large space for North Way Oakland I had goosebumps and got misty-eyed. I don't even attend that campus! One would think I would get excited over the ministry in Homewood, and I did, but for some reason the Oakland space made my heart soar.
It didn't soar long before my crazy brain threw some self-centered thoughts in the mix. I thought to myself: God is doing so many wonderful things. Lives are being changed. People are being ministered to. His kingdom is advancing. AND I AM DOING ACCOUNTING?????? Since the start of the semester this past August, I have done nothing but work and accounting. Whose life is being changed by the numbers I crunch day in and day out? Sure, I like crunching numbers, and I am good at it (else I would not be doing it) but it has no eternal value. No one's life is made better by my accounting. No one begins a relationship with Jesus due to balance sheets and statements of comprehensive income.
In the middle of this downward spiral my phone hums and announces an email - and its Pastor's Jay blog. If I had a dollar for each time that blog has come at just the right moment......
So I began to encourage myself by reciting all the things that folks have said to me: you can touch the lives of the people you work with, God has you as a light in the darkness...." I even reminded myself that just yesterday I wrote letters to 7 children around the globe living in poverty. (I only sponsor 2 but I assist Compassion in writing letters to children who have sponsors that won't write to them). Reminding myself of these things helped to end the pity party I invited myself to, but I still wasn't okay and definitely wasn't ready to resume accounting homework.
I started to chat with God and I was not angry or upset or even questioning Him (though I was tempted to) but I did say that I didn't think His plan for my life made much sense (cause you know, I am the omniscient one). I told him that there are so many people who are completely comfortable in their suburban lifestyle corporate America jobs and many times He calls those people to leave that lifestyle behind and follow Him into full time ministry. But not me, I am the weirdo. I want the full time ministry and He calls me to corporate America??!!! Really? It's just weird.
Oh but I love Him and I love that He doesn't lose patience with me and He just talks me through these moments. He gently reminded me of something. He has prepared me for this time in my life. He has prepared me and I have practiced the art of having your body and mind be in one place while your heart is in another.
Most of you have heard my testimony. When I was 14 years old and accompanied a friend to something she called "youth group", I met Jesus and began a relationship with Him and with the people of Abundant Life Church who introduced me to Him. My parents, who were then devout Catholics, forbid me to attend Abundant Life Church because it was not a Catholic church. Those of you who think I am extremely emotional now - you may want to thank God you didn't know me at age 14! I yelled at my parents: "what is wrong with you? Do you know how many parents would kill to have a 14 year old that DESIRES to go to church and yet you are forbidding me???" So my brilliant idea was to simply sneak and go to church. But when I told my pastor's wife about this she said "oh, no - you have to do what your parents tell you to do - even if that means not coming to church." Her daughter chimed in with a phrase that I would hear a million times more - "if you do what is right, right will come back to you." I obeyed my parents and stayed away though it broke my heart. Nine months later, seemingly out of nowhere, the "bann" was lifted and I returned to that church and spent the my last three years of high school in the the church's school. My parents eventually left religion and found a relationship with Jesus (not due to anything I said or did).
I smiled when God brought this back into my mind and I realized He taught me that lesson in my youth to prepare me to practice it again today. Oh, I left my parents home when I was 24 but God is now the Father I obey. Each time I ask God if I can quit school He says no. For some reason, just as I was teenager banned from church, I am an adult banned from full time ministry. However, now that God has shown me that He graciously prepared me for this time in my life, I feel a renewed passion and energy to do what God has called me to do, even though why He called me to it makes no sense to me.
The more exciting part is wondering when and how He will create miracles. When my father decided to lift the church bann, it was not because of anything I said or did. I simply obeyed God and obeyed my parents and somehow God changed my parents' heart. And when my parents began their own relationship with Jesus, it was nothing I said or did. I did not "witness" or "evangelize" them. I didn't preach or show them Scriptures. In fact, I was living with a relative when out of the blue my mom stopped talking about their priest and started mentioning some other person called Pastor Larry. How and when that switch happened I still to this day do not know (I should probably ask).
Point is - all I did was obey God and HE (not me) made things happen.
So.... if you will excuse me, I have some accounting to do...... :)
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Saturday, November 29, 2014
When Excellence Becomes Obsession
I cannot believe it has been nearly a year since I wrote a blog. I was thinking it had been about 4-5 months, but January 7, 2014 was my last post and here it is November 30th. Well, this discovery is confirmation of tonight's blog topic - so I guess I was meant to write tonight.
If you know me, you know that I am in school pursuing my first bachelors degree. This isn't new news - I began this journey in January 2012. This past semester however, has been different from all the rest in that it has taken nearly 100% of my spare time. Since August, it seems that all I do is work and school work. Two of my good friends that I meet with only once a month have not seen me since the semester began. Sadly, my family has only seen me when medical emergencies arose.
Now, I do have a strict professor for Intermediate Accounting and her workload defies description. In all fairness though, I can't place all the blame on her. I am the stereotypical OCD person. I believe that if you decide to do something, do it with excellence or don't bother doing it. So when it comes to school, my obsessive compulsive brain says: "you either get an A, or you have failed." This current class has been so difficult, I carried an 88 for the majority of the semester. Though many folks have told me to be proud of my 88, an 88 is a B and I want a A. So I work harder, I study longer, I strive.
In addition to this, I am a new hire at my job. It's a dream job that I could not possibly love more than I do, but there is still a learning curve and a proving period.
So my life for the past four months has been: stay up past my bedtime doing schoolwork, wake up tired so snooze the alarms a few times, get out of bed with barely enough time to shower and run out the door, work, go to Carlow, study, repeat. I keep telling myself it is temporary - its only four months.
Now that I am nearing the end of the four months I am realizing the toll it has taken.
When I roll out of bed with just enough time to shower and run, I miss any quality time with the Lord. Before I know it, I've gone months on a spiritual fast-food diet and I wonder why I feel spiritually sick. I have told almost all my friends and family that I will see them when the semester is over, yet my life began to fill purposeless. I was feeling robotic - just going through the motions of the day.
So what exactly is the problem and what is the solution? The problem is I allowed excellence to become an obsession and drive out every other thing from my life. And see, I should know better. I do know better. Several years ago, Pastor Jay said in one of his sermons that there were only two things in life that mattered: your relationship with God and your relationships with other people. Why? Because those two things are the only things that are eternal. Every other thing we have or do cannot accompany us into eternity. So why in heaven's name do we spend so much time and energy on things of only temporal value?
So... I have a solution! I can quit school and focus on God and other people. Right? Wrong.
I believe God wants to me continue school. I believe He lead me to begin the journey and wants me to finish it. I also believe He wants me to work with excellence, but not with obsession. Ecclesiastes 7:18 says to avoid all extremes. So how do I maintain this difficult balance? First, by making communication with Him my number one priority. If I do that, He can help me with the other time management aspects. His Holy Spirit will guide me and I will know when to tell a friend that I can't see them this month or when to go and see them and trust that the work will get done.
I have got to make sure my time with Him is my first priority. Realistically, I may not be able to sit for 45 minutes each morning. But I also can't "just pray in the car" each day for four months.
The bottom line is - I just can't do this without Him. He has used these past four months to show me that. Today's Jesus Calling devotional said: "...I have taken you along a path that has highlighted your need for me: placing you in situations where your strengths were irrelevant and your weaknesses were glaringly evident. Through the aridity of those desert marches, I have drawn you closer to Myself. Needing Me is the key to knowing Me intimately"
This semester has definitely proved that I need the Lord - like a deer pants for water. Regaining that intimacy will bring excellence - in the things that matter most. And will most likely keep some excellence with the schoolwork, though that excellence might look like a B.
What I am most thankful for - is that He is obsessed with communicating with me. :)
If you know me, you know that I am in school pursuing my first bachelors degree. This isn't new news - I began this journey in January 2012. This past semester however, has been different from all the rest in that it has taken nearly 100% of my spare time. Since August, it seems that all I do is work and school work. Two of my good friends that I meet with only once a month have not seen me since the semester began. Sadly, my family has only seen me when medical emergencies arose.
Now, I do have a strict professor for Intermediate Accounting and her workload defies description. In all fairness though, I can't place all the blame on her. I am the stereotypical OCD person. I believe that if you decide to do something, do it with excellence or don't bother doing it. So when it comes to school, my obsessive compulsive brain says: "you either get an A, or you have failed." This current class has been so difficult, I carried an 88 for the majority of the semester. Though many folks have told me to be proud of my 88, an 88 is a B and I want a A. So I work harder, I study longer, I strive.
In addition to this, I am a new hire at my job. It's a dream job that I could not possibly love more than I do, but there is still a learning curve and a proving period.
So my life for the past four months has been: stay up past my bedtime doing schoolwork, wake up tired so snooze the alarms a few times, get out of bed with barely enough time to shower and run out the door, work, go to Carlow, study, repeat. I keep telling myself it is temporary - its only four months.
Now that I am nearing the end of the four months I am realizing the toll it has taken.
When I roll out of bed with just enough time to shower and run, I miss any quality time with the Lord. Before I know it, I've gone months on a spiritual fast-food diet and I wonder why I feel spiritually sick. I have told almost all my friends and family that I will see them when the semester is over, yet my life began to fill purposeless. I was feeling robotic - just going through the motions of the day.
So what exactly is the problem and what is the solution? The problem is I allowed excellence to become an obsession and drive out every other thing from my life. And see, I should know better. I do know better. Several years ago, Pastor Jay said in one of his sermons that there were only two things in life that mattered: your relationship with God and your relationships with other people. Why? Because those two things are the only things that are eternal. Every other thing we have or do cannot accompany us into eternity. So why in heaven's name do we spend so much time and energy on things of only temporal value?
So... I have a solution! I can quit school and focus on God and other people. Right? Wrong.
I believe God wants to me continue school. I believe He lead me to begin the journey and wants me to finish it. I also believe He wants me to work with excellence, but not with obsession. Ecclesiastes 7:18 says to avoid all extremes. So how do I maintain this difficult balance? First, by making communication with Him my number one priority. If I do that, He can help me with the other time management aspects. His Holy Spirit will guide me and I will know when to tell a friend that I can't see them this month or when to go and see them and trust that the work will get done.
I have got to make sure my time with Him is my first priority. Realistically, I may not be able to sit for 45 minutes each morning. But I also can't "just pray in the car" each day for four months.
The bottom line is - I just can't do this without Him. He has used these past four months to show me that. Today's Jesus Calling devotional said: "...I have taken you along a path that has highlighted your need for me: placing you in situations where your strengths were irrelevant and your weaknesses were glaringly evident. Through the aridity of those desert marches, I have drawn you closer to Myself. Needing Me is the key to knowing Me intimately"
This semester has definitely proved that I need the Lord - like a deer pants for water. Regaining that intimacy will bring excellence - in the things that matter most. And will most likely keep some excellence with the schoolwork, though that excellence might look like a B.
What I am most thankful for - is that He is obsessed with communicating with me. :)
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Wonder Struck
Most of my blogs are written in the evenings. I don’t typically blog in the morning because when I wake up on time, that time is reserved for communication with the Lord.
This morning though, I feel like I need to blog to sort out what I believe God is showing me.
I got a new Bible study to hold me over until the Beth Moore Womens Bible Study begins in February. I have never heard of Margaret Feinberg before, but she is a member of LifeWay and I stumbled across her Bible study – Wonderstruck: Awaken to the Nearness of God”. The focus of the study is to help people who fall into a rut and start just going through the motions of Christianity without the spark and vibrancy that a relationship with God is meant to have. So it caught my attention and I decided to begin it this morning.
I couldn’t get past the first question. God would not let me just answer and move on – it was something to ponder and discuss with Him. The first question was: what takes away the wonder of God in your life? She gave the examples of busyness and responsibility and asked us to add our own. I could have written several answers, but God asked me to recall my last 48 hours – and when I thought about them, I was ashamed of myself.
Forty-eight hours ago, I was on my way to church. I was feeling neutral about it – wasn’t excited, wasn’t dreading it – just kinda doing what I do on a Sunday morning. Worship ended up being extra sweet. It does not happen every week but it was one of those intimate worship times where I forgot that I was in a room full of people. It was just me and the Lord – I forgot everything and everyone else. See when I really stop and look at who He is, and the fact that He has invited me into a personal relationship with Him, I really am “wonderstruck” and the rest of the details of my life seem inconsequential.
Worship was followed by a message that I really needed – I was wondering if Pastor Jay knew that there were other people in the room besides me. Lol. Church was followed by breakfast with two friends that I could not possibly love more than I do. I am often wonderstruck when I consider that God blessed with me with a good friendship with them and not just a casual acquaintance. It’s one of the ways He reminds me of His love for me.
So then I went home and did some housework for a few hours. Around 4:30, I decided that I didn’t want to spend the rest of the day alone and I tried to hook up with several people. No one was available. I tried not to get too bummed out, but I knew I would spend all day Monday alone too and a small pity party started to creep in. I fought it as best I could, and ended the day reading in my chronological one year Bible.
Monday morning – woke up at 3:30 am and could not fall back to sleep. Laid in bed semi-praying for an hour, then decided to get up and shower. I mean – I felt wide awake.
After showering and dressing for the day, I sat on the couch with the Bible. Bad move – better to read at the desk. I ended up falling asleep on the couch until 7:45 – time for work.
Monday went downhill rapidly. Both at work and out of work the day filled up with just…. crap. That is the nicest term I can come up with for it… crap. A couple of disappointing personal emails, several aggravating phone conversations, the pile just keep getting bigger and Raquel kept getting crankier. I thought that 5pm would bring relief, but it didn’t. I typically don’t watch the news, but I did because of the record breaking weather. Something on the news sparked a Facebook debate (started by an acquaintance of mine) and I allowed myself to get sucked in. While engaged in that nonsense, I saw a post by a well known and well respected person that just shocked me to my core. I was appalled. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit kicked that self control into gear and I did not comment, because the words I had were sharp and hurtful. Though I said nothing, it took awhile to shake how shocked I was. It was the icing on the cake of crap for the day.
Notice something? Notice how 3 paragraphs ago I am talking about intimacy with God and noticing His rich blessings and love. Now, after a day and half of crap – my view of God is almost non-existent.
Obviously, this is not God’s fault. But what happened? How did I go from one extreme to the other so quickly? I think the answer is in the title of my new Bible study – Wonderstruck. I went from being wonderstruck with who God is to being wonderstruck (in a bad way) at how messed up this world is.
Now both aspects are certainly true. This world is one messed up place and we (including me) are one messed up people. Thus, the need for a Savior.
My downfall was allowing that ever growing pile of crap to obscure my view of a perfect God. I became so focused and flabbergasted with the nonsense that I lost the sense of awe that was so real and intimate less than 48 hours ago.
The story isn’t new – not for me or anyone else. The typical Peter: walking on water when his eyes are on Jesus, sinking in the storm when his eyes are on the waves.
I think God had me type this out so I could see how my downward spiral occurred. Now that I clearly see the need and purpose for it, I am excited to begin this Bible study. My hope is that I will get better and improve on staying wonderstruck with who God is and not get wrapped up in the mess of the world.
Jesus said that in this world we would have trouble, but He has overcome the world. (John 16:33) He is greater than that big pile of crap and my job is to turn my eyes to Him and then the things of this world will grow strangely dim – and I will grow … wonderstruck.
This morning though, I feel like I need to blog to sort out what I believe God is showing me.
I got a new Bible study to hold me over until the Beth Moore Womens Bible Study begins in February. I have never heard of Margaret Feinberg before, but she is a member of LifeWay and I stumbled across her Bible study – Wonderstruck: Awaken to the Nearness of God”. The focus of the study is to help people who fall into a rut and start just going through the motions of Christianity without the spark and vibrancy that a relationship with God is meant to have. So it caught my attention and I decided to begin it this morning.
I couldn’t get past the first question. God would not let me just answer and move on – it was something to ponder and discuss with Him. The first question was: what takes away the wonder of God in your life? She gave the examples of busyness and responsibility and asked us to add our own. I could have written several answers, but God asked me to recall my last 48 hours – and when I thought about them, I was ashamed of myself.
Forty-eight hours ago, I was on my way to church. I was feeling neutral about it – wasn’t excited, wasn’t dreading it – just kinda doing what I do on a Sunday morning. Worship ended up being extra sweet. It does not happen every week but it was one of those intimate worship times where I forgot that I was in a room full of people. It was just me and the Lord – I forgot everything and everyone else. See when I really stop and look at who He is, and the fact that He has invited me into a personal relationship with Him, I really am “wonderstruck” and the rest of the details of my life seem inconsequential.
Worship was followed by a message that I really needed – I was wondering if Pastor Jay knew that there were other people in the room besides me. Lol. Church was followed by breakfast with two friends that I could not possibly love more than I do. I am often wonderstruck when I consider that God blessed with me with a good friendship with them and not just a casual acquaintance. It’s one of the ways He reminds me of His love for me.
So then I went home and did some housework for a few hours. Around 4:30, I decided that I didn’t want to spend the rest of the day alone and I tried to hook up with several people. No one was available. I tried not to get too bummed out, but I knew I would spend all day Monday alone too and a small pity party started to creep in. I fought it as best I could, and ended the day reading in my chronological one year Bible.
Monday morning – woke up at 3:30 am and could not fall back to sleep. Laid in bed semi-praying for an hour, then decided to get up and shower. I mean – I felt wide awake.
After showering and dressing for the day, I sat on the couch with the Bible. Bad move – better to read at the desk. I ended up falling asleep on the couch until 7:45 – time for work.
Monday went downhill rapidly. Both at work and out of work the day filled up with just…. crap. That is the nicest term I can come up with for it… crap. A couple of disappointing personal emails, several aggravating phone conversations, the pile just keep getting bigger and Raquel kept getting crankier. I thought that 5pm would bring relief, but it didn’t. I typically don’t watch the news, but I did because of the record breaking weather. Something on the news sparked a Facebook debate (started by an acquaintance of mine) and I allowed myself to get sucked in. While engaged in that nonsense, I saw a post by a well known and well respected person that just shocked me to my core. I was appalled. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit kicked that self control into gear and I did not comment, because the words I had were sharp and hurtful. Though I said nothing, it took awhile to shake how shocked I was. It was the icing on the cake of crap for the day.
Notice something? Notice how 3 paragraphs ago I am talking about intimacy with God and noticing His rich blessings and love. Now, after a day and half of crap – my view of God is almost non-existent.
Obviously, this is not God’s fault. But what happened? How did I go from one extreme to the other so quickly? I think the answer is in the title of my new Bible study – Wonderstruck. I went from being wonderstruck with who God is to being wonderstruck (in a bad way) at how messed up this world is.
Now both aspects are certainly true. This world is one messed up place and we (including me) are one messed up people. Thus, the need for a Savior.
My downfall was allowing that ever growing pile of crap to obscure my view of a perfect God. I became so focused and flabbergasted with the nonsense that I lost the sense of awe that was so real and intimate less than 48 hours ago.
The story isn’t new – not for me or anyone else. The typical Peter: walking on water when his eyes are on Jesus, sinking in the storm when his eyes are on the waves.
I think God had me type this out so I could see how my downward spiral occurred. Now that I clearly see the need and purpose for it, I am excited to begin this Bible study. My hope is that I will get better and improve on staying wonderstruck with who God is and not get wrapped up in the mess of the world.
Jesus said that in this world we would have trouble, but He has overcome the world. (John 16:33) He is greater than that big pile of crap and my job is to turn my eyes to Him and then the things of this world will grow strangely dim – and I will grow … wonderstruck.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Did God Really Say?
As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I have had several blog topics on the stove. Some of them were a little heavy and I hesitated to post heavy stuff during Christmas. Plus, as I mentioned, I just wasn’t in a blogging mood. Tonight, some surprising events turned up on Facebook that turned up the heat on one of the burners of the stove - and a topic is boiling over, causing a blog post.
The thought for this blog post originated on December 10th, the evening I was in a classroom instead of at the All Worship Night. Due to bad weather, we had a final exam and a group speech presentation on the same night. My classmates and I got there early to rehearse our speech and load our power point on to the computer. About 20 minutes before the start of class, we sat down to do some last minute studying for the final exam.
A couple of students began chatting with the professor. The awkward part was that one student was on my left and the other was on my right and the professor was in front of me. They decided to bash the Catholic church. Ironic – sitting in a Catholic University. But whatever. I didn’t participate. I kept looking at my study guide. Their conversation morphed into bashing all churches, though they all admitted to attending one presently. Still looking at my study guide, I hear the professor say “well the Bible has errors in it.”
That made me sad, but I still didn’t look up. The girl to my left says “it’s all about love and peace”. I wanted to scream “no honey, the 60s were all about love and peace! The Bible is about Jesus.” Eventually, the professor noticed that I had been staring at the same paragraph on the study guide for 20 minutes and says to me: “I hope we are not offending you, Raquel”.
I was offended – but not with those three ladies. I was offended because once again I could sense the most horrific sound there has ever been – the sound of the enemy laughing. I could sense that sinister snicker as he continues to deceive people with the exact same lie used to deceive Eve in the Garden of Eden. He has been saying the same lie since the beginning of time, and we keep falling for it – making his job so easy.
Just before the holidays, North Way did a sermon series called Enemy in the Shadows and they discussed some of the enemy’s tactics. Pastor Kent spoke about the tools of deception and doubt. We all know the story … God puts Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The garden was filled with trees of many kinds and God tells them they may eat the fruit of ANY tree in the garden EXCEPT one. That was it. Happy eating – just don’t eat from one tree. In Genesis 3 the enemy comes along and says “did God really say that you must not eat from ANY of the trees in the garden?”. Note how he twisted God’s words just slightly – but changed the whole meaning. God never said they couldn’t eat from any tree – in fact, He said have at it! Eat what you want – just stay away from one. The enemy makes it out like God is the big mean dictator depriving Adam and Eve of something good. Eve buys into this deception and takes it a step further. She told the enemy that God said they can’t even touch that tree. (He never said that). So what happened? The serpent deceives for the first time with “did God really say?” Adam and Eve doubted God, ate the fruit. The perfection that God intended for them was gone. Enter sin. Enter death. Enter toil. Enter sickness. Enter pain. Enter family division. Enter murder. Every single negative thing we deal with in our world today stems from disobedience – and the disobedience stems from buying a lie.
Oh let’s not get too upset with poor Eve. We do it every day. When my professor said that the Bible has errors in it – she was saying “did God really say?....” When my classmates was stuck in the 60s and thinking it was Biblical – she was really saying “did God really say… anything besides love and peace.”
The tragic thing is that God put a few rules in place – for our good. So that we could live a good, safe, fulfilling life with Him. Just like a parent who gives their teenager a curfew – its not to exercise authority, it’s to ensure the child’s safety. But our enemy is busy accusing God of being Hitler. And when we can’t imagine a loving God being Hitler, we go the opposite extreme and turn Him into Santa Claus.
Let’s take a hot button issue. Uh-oh – some of you may start to squirm or put up a wall of defense. But let’s look at the facts. Homosexuality. Here is what God says about it:
Lev. 18:22 ‘You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination."
Lev. 20:13 "If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act
Did you catch what God really said? He said it’s a detestable ACT. He detests the ACTION. He dislikes HOMOSEXUALITY.
But our culture hears the enemy saying “did God really say He hates homosexuals??”
NO!!!! God never once said He hates homosexuals. He loves them – just like He loved the prostitutes and the thief that hung next to Him on the cross.
I can give several more examples but I think I have made the point.
It just saddens me when the enemy deceives people with that age old lie. It is even more sad when that lie works with Christians. Think it doesn’t?
Did God really say…. Wives submit to your husbands. Ephesians 5 – Yep, God really said. And God did not specify that it expired in the 1950s.
Did God really say… Woe to those who call evil good and good evil. Isaiah 5:20. Yep – God really said that.
Did God really say… Honor your father and mother…. Even when they forbid you to attend church, like mine did when I was 14. Yep – God really said.
I used that last one on purpose – to drive home a point. See the enemy deceives and causes us to doubt the heart of God. Most of my readers have heard my testimony. When my parents forbid me to go to church, I didn’t understand how God could possibly tell me to obey them. It didn’t make sense. I almost bought the lie of “did God really say..”. Thankfully, I had kind, caring, mature Christians from that church that reinforced it – yes, Raquel, God really said. And if you’re parents said you can’t come – then you cannot come. I obeyed. And after 9 months of obedience – I got a double blessing. My parents miraculously changed their minds, and I not only got to go back to church – I got to attend the church’s high school for my last 3 years. It was like God was saying – “yes, I really said to honor your father and mother. But I also said that obedience brings blessing”.
I didn’t type this blog to be a hell, fire, and brimstone message. I don’t do that – cause if I did I would have to be the first one in line for that hell and fire. I have sin in my life. The only difference is I call it sin – I don’t call it okay.
But here is the Good News. Though my classmate was wrong, the Bible is not all about love and peace, the Bible is a love story. It’s a story of God loving us and desiring a relationship with us – so badly that He sent His Son Jesus – to pay the price for every time we said “did God really say…” and then proceed in disobedience. The wages of sin is death. All of us deserve to die and be eternally separated from God. But we don’t have to. Jesus died our death for us – so that we may live, for eternity, but also in intimate relationship with Him now. All we have to do is accept it for ourselves. If someone has a million dollar debt that they have no way to pay and I have a million dollars and I offer it to them – the debt is not paid with just the offer. Until that person takes the money from my hand to theirs – it remains – an offer.
For my readers who have yet to accept that offer, I am praying for you. Praying that the lies of the enemy will be silenced and the deception that God is either Hitler or Santa Caus will be brought to light and that you will see and know the love God has for you and that you will accept that offer this year.
And for my readers who have already accepted Jesus’s offer for themselves, my prayer is that He would grant us discernment, and keep us from falling into the trap of “did God really say…” Because yes – from Genesis to Revelation… God really said.
The thought for this blog post originated on December 10th, the evening I was in a classroom instead of at the All Worship Night. Due to bad weather, we had a final exam and a group speech presentation on the same night. My classmates and I got there early to rehearse our speech and load our power point on to the computer. About 20 minutes before the start of class, we sat down to do some last minute studying for the final exam.
A couple of students began chatting with the professor. The awkward part was that one student was on my left and the other was on my right and the professor was in front of me. They decided to bash the Catholic church. Ironic – sitting in a Catholic University. But whatever. I didn’t participate. I kept looking at my study guide. Their conversation morphed into bashing all churches, though they all admitted to attending one presently. Still looking at my study guide, I hear the professor say “well the Bible has errors in it.”
That made me sad, but I still didn’t look up. The girl to my left says “it’s all about love and peace”. I wanted to scream “no honey, the 60s were all about love and peace! The Bible is about Jesus.” Eventually, the professor noticed that I had been staring at the same paragraph on the study guide for 20 minutes and says to me: “I hope we are not offending you, Raquel”.
I was offended – but not with those three ladies. I was offended because once again I could sense the most horrific sound there has ever been – the sound of the enemy laughing. I could sense that sinister snicker as he continues to deceive people with the exact same lie used to deceive Eve in the Garden of Eden. He has been saying the same lie since the beginning of time, and we keep falling for it – making his job so easy.
Just before the holidays, North Way did a sermon series called Enemy in the Shadows and they discussed some of the enemy’s tactics. Pastor Kent spoke about the tools of deception and doubt. We all know the story … God puts Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The garden was filled with trees of many kinds and God tells them they may eat the fruit of ANY tree in the garden EXCEPT one. That was it. Happy eating – just don’t eat from one tree. In Genesis 3 the enemy comes along and says “did God really say that you must not eat from ANY of the trees in the garden?”. Note how he twisted God’s words just slightly – but changed the whole meaning. God never said they couldn’t eat from any tree – in fact, He said have at it! Eat what you want – just stay away from one. The enemy makes it out like God is the big mean dictator depriving Adam and Eve of something good. Eve buys into this deception and takes it a step further. She told the enemy that God said they can’t even touch that tree. (He never said that). So what happened? The serpent deceives for the first time with “did God really say?” Adam and Eve doubted God, ate the fruit. The perfection that God intended for them was gone. Enter sin. Enter death. Enter toil. Enter sickness. Enter pain. Enter family division. Enter murder. Every single negative thing we deal with in our world today stems from disobedience – and the disobedience stems from buying a lie.
Oh let’s not get too upset with poor Eve. We do it every day. When my professor said that the Bible has errors in it – she was saying “did God really say?....” When my classmates was stuck in the 60s and thinking it was Biblical – she was really saying “did God really say… anything besides love and peace.”
The tragic thing is that God put a few rules in place – for our good. So that we could live a good, safe, fulfilling life with Him. Just like a parent who gives their teenager a curfew – its not to exercise authority, it’s to ensure the child’s safety. But our enemy is busy accusing God of being Hitler. And when we can’t imagine a loving God being Hitler, we go the opposite extreme and turn Him into Santa Claus.
Let’s take a hot button issue. Uh-oh – some of you may start to squirm or put up a wall of defense. But let’s look at the facts. Homosexuality. Here is what God says about it:
Lev. 18:22 ‘You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination."
Lev. 20:13 "If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act
Did you catch what God really said? He said it’s a detestable ACT. He detests the ACTION. He dislikes HOMOSEXUALITY.
But our culture hears the enemy saying “did God really say He hates homosexuals??”
NO!!!! God never once said He hates homosexuals. He loves them – just like He loved the prostitutes and the thief that hung next to Him on the cross.
I can give several more examples but I think I have made the point.
It just saddens me when the enemy deceives people with that age old lie. It is even more sad when that lie works with Christians. Think it doesn’t?
Did God really say…. Wives submit to your husbands. Ephesians 5 – Yep, God really said. And God did not specify that it expired in the 1950s.
Did God really say… Woe to those who call evil good and good evil. Isaiah 5:20. Yep – God really said that.
Did God really say… Honor your father and mother…. Even when they forbid you to attend church, like mine did when I was 14. Yep – God really said.
I used that last one on purpose – to drive home a point. See the enemy deceives and causes us to doubt the heart of God. Most of my readers have heard my testimony. When my parents forbid me to go to church, I didn’t understand how God could possibly tell me to obey them. It didn’t make sense. I almost bought the lie of “did God really say..”. Thankfully, I had kind, caring, mature Christians from that church that reinforced it – yes, Raquel, God really said. And if you’re parents said you can’t come – then you cannot come. I obeyed. And after 9 months of obedience – I got a double blessing. My parents miraculously changed their minds, and I not only got to go back to church – I got to attend the church’s high school for my last 3 years. It was like God was saying – “yes, I really said to honor your father and mother. But I also said that obedience brings blessing”.
I didn’t type this blog to be a hell, fire, and brimstone message. I don’t do that – cause if I did I would have to be the first one in line for that hell and fire. I have sin in my life. The only difference is I call it sin – I don’t call it okay.
But here is the Good News. Though my classmate was wrong, the Bible is not all about love and peace, the Bible is a love story. It’s a story of God loving us and desiring a relationship with us – so badly that He sent His Son Jesus – to pay the price for every time we said “did God really say…” and then proceed in disobedience. The wages of sin is death. All of us deserve to die and be eternally separated from God. But we don’t have to. Jesus died our death for us – so that we may live, for eternity, but also in intimate relationship with Him now. All we have to do is accept it for ourselves. If someone has a million dollar debt that they have no way to pay and I have a million dollars and I offer it to them – the debt is not paid with just the offer. Until that person takes the money from my hand to theirs – it remains – an offer.
For my readers who have yet to accept that offer, I am praying for you. Praying that the lies of the enemy will be silenced and the deception that God is either Hitler or Santa Caus will be brought to light and that you will see and know the love God has for you and that you will accept that offer this year.
And for my readers who have already accepted Jesus’s offer for themselves, my prayer is that He would grant us discernment, and keep us from falling into the trap of “did God really say…” Because yes – from Genesis to Revelation… God really said.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Remembering 2013
I have had several blog topics cooking for about a month now, but I haven't really been in the blogging mood. I guess those topics will remain on the stove for awhile.
Well it's New Years Day. As I posted in a status, I have never really understood all the hype around New Years. It's a new year - so what? We get new weeks, new months, and yes - a new day every day. We can draw a line in the sand and start fresh any day we choose. So I just don't get in to the hype. However, I do enjoy a day off to rest before the busy month begins.
I do like to take the time to reflect back on the past year for just a minute. My reflection this year was different that in previous years. I usually remember all the details of just about everything. This time, I really couldn't recall all that happened in 2013. Furthermore, the two main things that I could remember were negative. I know I did not have a "bad year". In fact, 2012 was much much much worse than 2013. So it bothered me that the two things I remembered were negative. I remember 2013 as the year that I missed two All Worship Nights. The other thing I remember is my surgery that I had on July 30 - the surgery that left my lifelong dream forever unfulfilled.
So obviously, I didn't want to remember 2013 by these two things. Around the middle of December, I asked the Lord to help me to remember the year by something good. He exceeded my expectations once again - and in a subtle, small way that would seem inconsequential to most folks, but meant the world to me.
I got a Christmas card from a friend. Actually, I got many Christmas cards from several friends. But one was more than a Christmas card. It was three sentences coming from a friend that typically doesn't express herself with words. This card meant the world to me. I normally keep several of the Christmas cards I get - especially if they have pictures or personal messages in them. I keep them in a pretty box and each year when I got to put new ones in the box, I look through previous years. This card, isn't going in the box, it's going in my Bible. It's going in a place where I will see it regularly and allow it lift my spirits when I am down on myself. And... in the next year or so, when I think of 2013, I will think of it as "the year I got that card". I hope my friend knows how loved and appreciated she is.
In regard to ending a year and beginning another... this is my testimony for my past, my present, and my future:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.
His mercies never come to an end.
They are new every morning
Great is Thy faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
Well it's New Years Day. As I posted in a status, I have never really understood all the hype around New Years. It's a new year - so what? We get new weeks, new months, and yes - a new day every day. We can draw a line in the sand and start fresh any day we choose. So I just don't get in to the hype. However, I do enjoy a day off to rest before the busy month begins.
I do like to take the time to reflect back on the past year for just a minute. My reflection this year was different that in previous years. I usually remember all the details of just about everything. This time, I really couldn't recall all that happened in 2013. Furthermore, the two main things that I could remember were negative. I know I did not have a "bad year". In fact, 2012 was much much much worse than 2013. So it bothered me that the two things I remembered were negative. I remember 2013 as the year that I missed two All Worship Nights. The other thing I remember is my surgery that I had on July 30 - the surgery that left my lifelong dream forever unfulfilled.
So obviously, I didn't want to remember 2013 by these two things. Around the middle of December, I asked the Lord to help me to remember the year by something good. He exceeded my expectations once again - and in a subtle, small way that would seem inconsequential to most folks, but meant the world to me.
I got a Christmas card from a friend. Actually, I got many Christmas cards from several friends. But one was more than a Christmas card. It was three sentences coming from a friend that typically doesn't express herself with words. This card meant the world to me. I normally keep several of the Christmas cards I get - especially if they have pictures or personal messages in them. I keep them in a pretty box and each year when I got to put new ones in the box, I look through previous years. This card, isn't going in the box, it's going in my Bible. It's going in a place where I will see it regularly and allow it lift my spirits when I am down on myself. And... in the next year or so, when I think of 2013, I will think of it as "the year I got that card". I hope my friend knows how loved and appreciated she is.
In regard to ending a year and beginning another... this is my testimony for my past, my present, and my future:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.
His mercies never come to an end.
They are new every morning
Great is Thy faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thanksgiving 2013
Thanksgiving Day. I slept in. I am enjoying a few hours alone in my pjs and with my coffee and two purring kitties before heading over to my parents. I like this yearly ritual.
Though I should do it every day, and often fail, on Thanksgiving God gets my first moments.
I didn’t participate in the 30 Days of Thanks thing on Facebook. I have enjoyed reading posts from others, but I didn’t want it to get rote, routine, or disingenuous for me. Also, I like to take this time on Thanksgiving morning to make my big list of what I am thankful for.
So for my faithful readers, this may get a little boring for you, as the first part of my list will be a “duh” – and just like everyone else’s list. Oh wait – this is Raquel talking – nothing she says is like anyone else. LOL But seriously, I am doing this more for me than for my readers. However, if you do decide to read my saga of thanks – I hope it balances out the numerous times I whine and complain when life doesn’t go my way.
I have decided to divide my list into two parts: the obvious and the not so obvious.
The Obvious
Obviously, He tops the list. I am beyond thankful for Jesus and my relationship with Him. This year, that thankfulness for Him has an even deeper meaning. Yesterday, I was listening to Christmas music and Amy Grant’s song “Heirlooms” came on. For a brief moment, it made me sad. Jesus was not an “heirloom” in my family. My ancestors were steeped in religion, but none of them knew Jesus. The enemy has a big success record with my family - using his most deceitful tool of religion to blind them and keep them from seeing Jesus. Beyond that, my extended family isn’t even close. We never have get togethers – not even for funerals. Oh but I couldn’t dwell on that for long. The Lord rushed in to rescue me from my downward spiraling thoughts and I thought about this in a way I never have before. If I were to go on ancestry.com and trace my Russian roots and then make their cute little family tree down to me - I am the first one to have a relationship with Christ! What is awesome about this is that I had nothing to do with it. In 1988, I was not seeking Jesus. He sought me. He reached His giant holy hands into the sin and filth of McKees Rocks and my broken, sin-stained family and picked me up and began our relationship. It’s not cliché when I say – He loved me first. My parents now have a relationship with Jesus too – and the three of us will remain in prayer for the rest – that the blinders will be removed from their eyes and they can see Jesus and His love for them. Not religion, not church – only Jesus.
Jesus. Oh that name. I am thankful for His unending patience and longsuffering with me. I cannot understand why He loves me and why He remains faithful – but I am grateful that He does. It’s been 25 years since my relationship with Him began and the sanctification process has been so ridiculously slow and painful – for both of us. Why He doesn’t give up is beyond me. But as the song says: “His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.”
As I think about my relationship with Christ, I am thankful for my spiritual heritage. Wait – didn’t I just say I didn’t have one? Am I confusing you? Well you know some people say that blood is thicker than water. (not always true by the way) But I always say that the blood of Christ is thicker than both. Though my spiritual heritage did not come from my blood relatives, it came from my blood bought relatives – the church.
When I stepped into Abundant Life Church in 1988, I was amazed at the genuine love the people showed me. They never tried to “convert” me. They just loved me. And trust me, I was not easy to love. Believe it or not, I was a million times worse than I am now. North Way owes them a debt of gratitude – they did all the hard work. I will never forget that first month. I watched Pastor Susan lead worship and then I talked with her afterwards. She didn’t tell me about Jesus. She showed me Jesus. I saw Him in her. I saw contentment in her and I couldn’t understand how she got it – I wanted what she had. She only told me about the Lord when I asked her to.
After I accepted Christ as my personal Savior on July 30, 1988, so many people began pouring into my life. On Wednesday evenings after church, the youth group would hang out on the street outside the church – just being normal teenagers. Shocker – I wasn’t normal. I stayed inside and sat and talked with Earl Wheeler. He patiently allowed me to be like that pesky little puppy that never went away. During the next five years, I had many mentors and supporters as I wrestled between my new life in Christ and my sinful life of the McKees Rocks bottoms that didn’t want to surrender without a fight. I am so thankful for George and Pat, Earl and Irene, Angela and Gary, Lucy, Fran, Brigid, Suzanne, Walt, Karen and a long list of others that never gave up on me. I am beyond thankful for all the Biblical instruction I received. Not only in Bible class in Abundant Life Academy, but in church and the various classes and instructional meetings – I was given a rich, firm foundation. I was baptized in 1989, but not before sitting in several classes until my pastor KNEW that I understood Biblically what I was doing. I can still hear Pastor Susan as she dunked me – “Raquel Marie Branchik I baptize you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, rise and walk in newness of life!” Throughout my teens and early twenties, I was steeped in Biblical instruction. I understand worship – both individual and corporate. I understand spiritual warfare. And yes, I understand grace – as I am the recipient of boatloads of it – from both God and people.
Onto the rest of the obvious list…
I am thankful for my parents. My mom was (and is) the best mom in the world. She had more problems and tragedies in her life when I was young, but she shielded me from them all – I never knew until I was an adult. She was and is my rock. Always there. Unconditional love. I have scores of precious memories from little things she has done – that were actually huge things for me. From my homemade birthday cake with coconut and jelly beans, to a new Strawberry Shortcake doll with every good report card. As I got older, she let me be me – even when my decisions hurt her. She knew I had to learn on my own – but she was and is – always there.
My step dad – when he entered my world at age 9 – I hated him. In my young eyes, he took my mom away. But in reality, he welcomed me and then my sister Shannon as his own – though we were not his blood. When my youngest sister came, he simply had three daughters – not one daughter and two steps. I didn’t always listen to him – I still don’t. But two things he taught me that I will never let go of – respect is not commanded, it is earned. And what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I can unpack those in another blog if need be.
My sisters – I am 10 years older than Shannon and 14 years older than Krystal. I was surrogate mom growing up – but now we learn to respect each other as adults.
My friends – I simply cannot express enough gratitude for the amazing friends God has blessed me with. And you know its funny, I get teased often because my closest friends are older than I am. My best friend is my youngest friend – and she is 9 years my senior. Some goof balls even tried to tell me that I am trying to replace my mom. BULL CRAP. First of all, my mom is irreplaceable. Secondly - she is still here! (people kill me)
But I have been blessed with the ability to find awesome people and secure friendships with them. I have seen the truth of “bad company corrupts good character”. I have watched loved ones be hurt time and time again by their “friends”. Proverbs 13:20 says he who walks with the wise, grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm. I have watched folks suffer much harm by being a companion of a fool. (The Bible’s definition of a fool is one who lives like there is no God). I have been privileged to walk with the wise. I have many good friends at North Way. Many have blessed me beyond words. My core four – Denise, Kathy, Gail, Susan - they protect me from myself and love me in spite of myself. I am a better person each time I spend time with one of them.
And speaking of North Way – I love my church. I always say that if I can’t be in heaven, North Way is the next best thing. I may have mild disagreements with policies or procedures sometimes, but that would be the case anywhere. I am thankful for my church – for who they are and what they do.
My pastors. They are rock stars. Jay, Scott, Kent, Doug, Bryan, John, Freedom, Darren, John, Randy, Scott, Rob – and I can’t wait until the day I can add… Dennis. I love the way God has uniquely gifted all of them to shepherd this large flock. I have been blessed by all of them in different ways. And no, I am not just saying that because it sounds nice. I can list the ways each has blessed me – but not in this blog, it’s long enough already.
My job. When I think of all the fast food places I have worked, and all the waitress jobs I have held, not to mention two grocery stores, LensCrafters, a construction company, and Yellow Cab of Pittsburgh, it blows my mind that I have been blessed with such a good job. I was grateful when I began sitting in an office and a cube. Now, I mostly sit at home – comfortable – making more money than ever before with nothing more than a high school diploma. I’m doing things I “can’t” do – functioning beyond my skill level. But I am still there because God wants me there. And I think the main reason God brought me to FIS was not the good pay or even the work from home and flex time privilege. I believe He brought me there to meet my boss. Kelly is what every manager should be. If the big wigs at FIS were smart, they would cut cost on their “leadership trainings” and just have everyone spend a week with Kelly. Their test would be – “be like her or get out”. Well – that’s a glimpse of Raquel’s utopian world. But seriously, she is the reason I stay, the reason I don’t give up. And she also has two awesomely adorable, fantastic, well behaved kids – just a picture of them can cheer me up on a bad day. And if folks would watch the way she and her husband work as a team, they would be flying them in to lead marriage seminars – and then I could play with the kids!
The children in my life – Rashawnda (really not a child anymore) and my two Compassion sponsored girls – they bless me more than I bless them.
Material stuff: my apartment, the vacant apartment downstairs, my bed, my cats, COFFEE, food, music, my car, my mug collection.
This ends the list of the obvious things I am thankful for. Yep, typical Raquel. Took four pages to say God, family, friends, church, provision.
But now for the list of not so obvious things I am thankful for – even if I have to remind myself to be thankful for them:
I am thankful that sometimes God says no. Many times have I begged and pleaded for Him to give me something or do something – only to find out later I am soooooo glad He didn’t give me what I wanted. He continues to teach me to trust Him – and that He really does know what is best for me.
I am thankful for this new season He has me in. Truth be told, I hate it – but yes, I am still thankful. I hate it because it’s totally opposite of the direction I want to go. My life is primarily work and school. I have missed so much of the things that I feel make me who I am. I have missed Bible studies, small groups, church services, the LAMP Leadership team, time with friends… all to pursue what appears to be meaningless, secular pursuits that will not matter at all in eternity. When I stand before God – He will not ask me about the spreadsheets I did. So why pull me away from the things that have eternal value? I answered that question earlier in this paragraph. The things that make me who I am??? If my identity is found in the ministries I participate in – Lord help me.
I think that is why He temporarily took them away. Those things are my comfort zone – where I am in my element, but if I start to find my identity in them – time to lose them. In the world of corporate America and Academia, I am a foreigner, a stranger definitely out of my element. But with all my usual comforts stripped away, I find Jesus walking with me through that foreign environment, and I find my identity solely in Him – I’m a child of the King. And…. He is teaching me to worship Him through these seemingly secular things. I am learning to stay in close communication with Him – without the crutch of the church or ministries.
This last thing will encompass many things – but I am thankful for pain and suffering. No, I haven’t started drinking yet. No one likes pain and suffering. I am queen of comfort – almost every decision I make is based around comfort. I wear comfortable clothes – whether they look good or not. I drive the car I drive because its comfortable. I work really hard to regulate the temperature – I have a small window of comfort, where its not too hot or too cold. I eat for comfort, talk for comfort, listen to music for comfort. Whether a day is good or bad depends on how comfortable I am with the circumstances of that day. Do I sound like a spoiled brat? I am.
But more and more God is showing me how He uses pain and suffering as a tool. The funny thing – I haven’t really suffered. My life has been sheltered and blessed. I mean, everyone has stuff they deal with…
Recently, a sharp knife of pain has been felt by a book I chose to read. Kimberly Smith was the keynote speaker at our Orphan Care Expo and last night I finished her book – Passport through Darkness. It was true to its title. Page 2 had me crying. Chapter 19 literally caused me to have nightmares – literally I woke up with the sheets pulled off the bed. Last night, the final two chapters were worse than I ever could have imagined. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even form words to explain it. I was in shock. I won’t go into detail…
But on the last two pages, Kimberly was asked by folks at a church she was speaking to how she could forgive the men, the people who committed these horrific, unspeakable, evil acts to children and to her. Her response was that it was easy to forgive the evil people. She said they were born into evil and knew nothing else. She said what is harder to forgive is the pampered, secure, comfortable, safe American Christians who seek to keep their blissful ignorance. They would rather choose to not know, choose to not hear, choose to not see, and definitely choose to not act. They just don’t want to think about anything that makes them sad. Because they can’t fix the entire situation, they choose to do nothing instead of whatever they can.
I don’t type this to be a downer on a happy day. I type it because I am that American Christian. I say I want to do ministries and help people – but am I willing to experience even a tiny fraction of what Kimberly did – to help one person? Am I willing to put myself in danger – like Jesus would do – to rescue one individual? Or would I rather head on over to Carlow University after stopping at Starbucks for my venti sugar free hazelnut soy latte? I don’t like to suffer. Heck, I don’t like discomfort. But sometimes pain and suffering are what it takes to align our priorities with His. The Bible says Jesus learned obedience from what He suffered. (Hebrews 5:8) If Jesus Himself had to suffer, how much more will we sinful humans need to suffer to bring about change – in ourselves and others. For Kimberly, her pain cleansed her of apathy and indifference. For me, my meager suffering helps me to focus on Him and align with His priorities and objectives. Pain has a purpose. Doesn’t make it any less painful – just purposeful.
So I am thankful for the pain and suffering. Lord, help me to suffer well – like you did.
Oh my. It’s 1pm and I am still in my pajamas. Time to shower and dress and head over to my family. Krystal will not be joining us today. But Shannon is cooking and I cleaning – and I am thankful for my wonderfully blessed life.
Though I should do it every day, and often fail, on Thanksgiving God gets my first moments.
I didn’t participate in the 30 Days of Thanks thing on Facebook. I have enjoyed reading posts from others, but I didn’t want it to get rote, routine, or disingenuous for me. Also, I like to take this time on Thanksgiving morning to make my big list of what I am thankful for.
So for my faithful readers, this may get a little boring for you, as the first part of my list will be a “duh” – and just like everyone else’s list. Oh wait – this is Raquel talking – nothing she says is like anyone else. LOL But seriously, I am doing this more for me than for my readers. However, if you do decide to read my saga of thanks – I hope it balances out the numerous times I whine and complain when life doesn’t go my way.
I have decided to divide my list into two parts: the obvious and the not so obvious.
The Obvious
Obviously, He tops the list. I am beyond thankful for Jesus and my relationship with Him. This year, that thankfulness for Him has an even deeper meaning. Yesterday, I was listening to Christmas music and Amy Grant’s song “Heirlooms” came on. For a brief moment, it made me sad. Jesus was not an “heirloom” in my family. My ancestors were steeped in religion, but none of them knew Jesus. The enemy has a big success record with my family - using his most deceitful tool of religion to blind them and keep them from seeing Jesus. Beyond that, my extended family isn’t even close. We never have get togethers – not even for funerals. Oh but I couldn’t dwell on that for long. The Lord rushed in to rescue me from my downward spiraling thoughts and I thought about this in a way I never have before. If I were to go on ancestry.com and trace my Russian roots and then make their cute little family tree down to me - I am the first one to have a relationship with Christ! What is awesome about this is that I had nothing to do with it. In 1988, I was not seeking Jesus. He sought me. He reached His giant holy hands into the sin and filth of McKees Rocks and my broken, sin-stained family and picked me up and began our relationship. It’s not cliché when I say – He loved me first. My parents now have a relationship with Jesus too – and the three of us will remain in prayer for the rest – that the blinders will be removed from their eyes and they can see Jesus and His love for them. Not religion, not church – only Jesus.
Jesus. Oh that name. I am thankful for His unending patience and longsuffering with me. I cannot understand why He loves me and why He remains faithful – but I am grateful that He does. It’s been 25 years since my relationship with Him began and the sanctification process has been so ridiculously slow and painful – for both of us. Why He doesn’t give up is beyond me. But as the song says: “His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.”
As I think about my relationship with Christ, I am thankful for my spiritual heritage. Wait – didn’t I just say I didn’t have one? Am I confusing you? Well you know some people say that blood is thicker than water. (not always true by the way) But I always say that the blood of Christ is thicker than both. Though my spiritual heritage did not come from my blood relatives, it came from my blood bought relatives – the church.
When I stepped into Abundant Life Church in 1988, I was amazed at the genuine love the people showed me. They never tried to “convert” me. They just loved me. And trust me, I was not easy to love. Believe it or not, I was a million times worse than I am now. North Way owes them a debt of gratitude – they did all the hard work. I will never forget that first month. I watched Pastor Susan lead worship and then I talked with her afterwards. She didn’t tell me about Jesus. She showed me Jesus. I saw Him in her. I saw contentment in her and I couldn’t understand how she got it – I wanted what she had. She only told me about the Lord when I asked her to.
After I accepted Christ as my personal Savior on July 30, 1988, so many people began pouring into my life. On Wednesday evenings after church, the youth group would hang out on the street outside the church – just being normal teenagers. Shocker – I wasn’t normal. I stayed inside and sat and talked with Earl Wheeler. He patiently allowed me to be like that pesky little puppy that never went away. During the next five years, I had many mentors and supporters as I wrestled between my new life in Christ and my sinful life of the McKees Rocks bottoms that didn’t want to surrender without a fight. I am so thankful for George and Pat, Earl and Irene, Angela and Gary, Lucy, Fran, Brigid, Suzanne, Walt, Karen and a long list of others that never gave up on me. I am beyond thankful for all the Biblical instruction I received. Not only in Bible class in Abundant Life Academy, but in church and the various classes and instructional meetings – I was given a rich, firm foundation. I was baptized in 1989, but not before sitting in several classes until my pastor KNEW that I understood Biblically what I was doing. I can still hear Pastor Susan as she dunked me – “Raquel Marie Branchik I baptize you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, rise and walk in newness of life!” Throughout my teens and early twenties, I was steeped in Biblical instruction. I understand worship – both individual and corporate. I understand spiritual warfare. And yes, I understand grace – as I am the recipient of boatloads of it – from both God and people.
Onto the rest of the obvious list…
I am thankful for my parents. My mom was (and is) the best mom in the world. She had more problems and tragedies in her life when I was young, but she shielded me from them all – I never knew until I was an adult. She was and is my rock. Always there. Unconditional love. I have scores of precious memories from little things she has done – that were actually huge things for me. From my homemade birthday cake with coconut and jelly beans, to a new Strawberry Shortcake doll with every good report card. As I got older, she let me be me – even when my decisions hurt her. She knew I had to learn on my own – but she was and is – always there.
My step dad – when he entered my world at age 9 – I hated him. In my young eyes, he took my mom away. But in reality, he welcomed me and then my sister Shannon as his own – though we were not his blood. When my youngest sister came, he simply had three daughters – not one daughter and two steps. I didn’t always listen to him – I still don’t. But two things he taught me that I will never let go of – respect is not commanded, it is earned. And what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I can unpack those in another blog if need be.
My sisters – I am 10 years older than Shannon and 14 years older than Krystal. I was surrogate mom growing up – but now we learn to respect each other as adults.
My friends – I simply cannot express enough gratitude for the amazing friends God has blessed me with. And you know its funny, I get teased often because my closest friends are older than I am. My best friend is my youngest friend – and she is 9 years my senior. Some goof balls even tried to tell me that I am trying to replace my mom. BULL CRAP. First of all, my mom is irreplaceable. Secondly - she is still here! (people kill me)
But I have been blessed with the ability to find awesome people and secure friendships with them. I have seen the truth of “bad company corrupts good character”. I have watched loved ones be hurt time and time again by their “friends”. Proverbs 13:20 says he who walks with the wise, grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm. I have watched folks suffer much harm by being a companion of a fool. (The Bible’s definition of a fool is one who lives like there is no God). I have been privileged to walk with the wise. I have many good friends at North Way. Many have blessed me beyond words. My core four – Denise, Kathy, Gail, Susan - they protect me from myself and love me in spite of myself. I am a better person each time I spend time with one of them.
And speaking of North Way – I love my church. I always say that if I can’t be in heaven, North Way is the next best thing. I may have mild disagreements with policies or procedures sometimes, but that would be the case anywhere. I am thankful for my church – for who they are and what they do.
My pastors. They are rock stars. Jay, Scott, Kent, Doug, Bryan, John, Freedom, Darren, John, Randy, Scott, Rob – and I can’t wait until the day I can add… Dennis. I love the way God has uniquely gifted all of them to shepherd this large flock. I have been blessed by all of them in different ways. And no, I am not just saying that because it sounds nice. I can list the ways each has blessed me – but not in this blog, it’s long enough already.
My job. When I think of all the fast food places I have worked, and all the waitress jobs I have held, not to mention two grocery stores, LensCrafters, a construction company, and Yellow Cab of Pittsburgh, it blows my mind that I have been blessed with such a good job. I was grateful when I began sitting in an office and a cube. Now, I mostly sit at home – comfortable – making more money than ever before with nothing more than a high school diploma. I’m doing things I “can’t” do – functioning beyond my skill level. But I am still there because God wants me there. And I think the main reason God brought me to FIS was not the good pay or even the work from home and flex time privilege. I believe He brought me there to meet my boss. Kelly is what every manager should be. If the big wigs at FIS were smart, they would cut cost on their “leadership trainings” and just have everyone spend a week with Kelly. Their test would be – “be like her or get out”. Well – that’s a glimpse of Raquel’s utopian world. But seriously, she is the reason I stay, the reason I don’t give up. And she also has two awesomely adorable, fantastic, well behaved kids – just a picture of them can cheer me up on a bad day. And if folks would watch the way she and her husband work as a team, they would be flying them in to lead marriage seminars – and then I could play with the kids!
The children in my life – Rashawnda (really not a child anymore) and my two Compassion sponsored girls – they bless me more than I bless them.
Material stuff: my apartment, the vacant apartment downstairs, my bed, my cats, COFFEE, food, music, my car, my mug collection.
This ends the list of the obvious things I am thankful for. Yep, typical Raquel. Took four pages to say God, family, friends, church, provision.
But now for the list of not so obvious things I am thankful for – even if I have to remind myself to be thankful for them:
I am thankful that sometimes God says no. Many times have I begged and pleaded for Him to give me something or do something – only to find out later I am soooooo glad He didn’t give me what I wanted. He continues to teach me to trust Him – and that He really does know what is best for me.
I am thankful for this new season He has me in. Truth be told, I hate it – but yes, I am still thankful. I hate it because it’s totally opposite of the direction I want to go. My life is primarily work and school. I have missed so much of the things that I feel make me who I am. I have missed Bible studies, small groups, church services, the LAMP Leadership team, time with friends… all to pursue what appears to be meaningless, secular pursuits that will not matter at all in eternity. When I stand before God – He will not ask me about the spreadsheets I did. So why pull me away from the things that have eternal value? I answered that question earlier in this paragraph. The things that make me who I am??? If my identity is found in the ministries I participate in – Lord help me.
I think that is why He temporarily took them away. Those things are my comfort zone – where I am in my element, but if I start to find my identity in them – time to lose them. In the world of corporate America and Academia, I am a foreigner, a stranger definitely out of my element. But with all my usual comforts stripped away, I find Jesus walking with me through that foreign environment, and I find my identity solely in Him – I’m a child of the King. And…. He is teaching me to worship Him through these seemingly secular things. I am learning to stay in close communication with Him – without the crutch of the church or ministries.
This last thing will encompass many things – but I am thankful for pain and suffering. No, I haven’t started drinking yet. No one likes pain and suffering. I am queen of comfort – almost every decision I make is based around comfort. I wear comfortable clothes – whether they look good or not. I drive the car I drive because its comfortable. I work really hard to regulate the temperature – I have a small window of comfort, where its not too hot or too cold. I eat for comfort, talk for comfort, listen to music for comfort. Whether a day is good or bad depends on how comfortable I am with the circumstances of that day. Do I sound like a spoiled brat? I am.
But more and more God is showing me how He uses pain and suffering as a tool. The funny thing – I haven’t really suffered. My life has been sheltered and blessed. I mean, everyone has stuff they deal with…
Recently, a sharp knife of pain has been felt by a book I chose to read. Kimberly Smith was the keynote speaker at our Orphan Care Expo and last night I finished her book – Passport through Darkness. It was true to its title. Page 2 had me crying. Chapter 19 literally caused me to have nightmares – literally I woke up with the sheets pulled off the bed. Last night, the final two chapters were worse than I ever could have imagined. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even form words to explain it. I was in shock. I won’t go into detail…
But on the last two pages, Kimberly was asked by folks at a church she was speaking to how she could forgive the men, the people who committed these horrific, unspeakable, evil acts to children and to her. Her response was that it was easy to forgive the evil people. She said they were born into evil and knew nothing else. She said what is harder to forgive is the pampered, secure, comfortable, safe American Christians who seek to keep their blissful ignorance. They would rather choose to not know, choose to not hear, choose to not see, and definitely choose to not act. They just don’t want to think about anything that makes them sad. Because they can’t fix the entire situation, they choose to do nothing instead of whatever they can.
I don’t type this to be a downer on a happy day. I type it because I am that American Christian. I say I want to do ministries and help people – but am I willing to experience even a tiny fraction of what Kimberly did – to help one person? Am I willing to put myself in danger – like Jesus would do – to rescue one individual? Or would I rather head on over to Carlow University after stopping at Starbucks for my venti sugar free hazelnut soy latte? I don’t like to suffer. Heck, I don’t like discomfort. But sometimes pain and suffering are what it takes to align our priorities with His. The Bible says Jesus learned obedience from what He suffered. (Hebrews 5:8) If Jesus Himself had to suffer, how much more will we sinful humans need to suffer to bring about change – in ourselves and others. For Kimberly, her pain cleansed her of apathy and indifference. For me, my meager suffering helps me to focus on Him and align with His priorities and objectives. Pain has a purpose. Doesn’t make it any less painful – just purposeful.
So I am thankful for the pain and suffering. Lord, help me to suffer well – like you did.
Oh my. It’s 1pm and I am still in my pajamas. Time to shower and dress and head over to my family. Krystal will not be joining us today. But Shannon is cooking and I cleaning – and I am thankful for my wonderfully blessed life.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Distraction
A good place to start would be with some Francesca Battistelli:
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that’s getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I’m blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You’re doin
Might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
It’s amazing the little things I struggle with. For some crazy reason, I seem to do better with battling the big stuff. Two week ago, I attended North Way’s Orphan Care Expo. I love that event, but it never loves me back. It is always a spiritual battle for me. I volunteer to host a table for Compassion, it rarely brings good results. This year only one was sponsored. But to me, even one child makes it all worth it. This year the battle was intensified. When I located my table, I found out I was surrounded. To my right was Bethany Christian Services, the people who facilitated my failed adoption. (To be clear, I am not blaming them – I just feel like I failure when I see them). In front of me was Gwen’s Girls. They are the non-profit who was hiring a staff accountant but would not interview me due to my lack of a bachelors degree. That would have been my dream job – accounting and ministering to inner city girls at the same time. But obviously, it wasn’t God’s dream for me. To ice the cake, the table to my left was Glade Run. That is the place where I met and fell in love with a child I was going to adopt. After 3 hours in a conference room with her and case workers and social workers, we were set to begin paper work for me to bring her home – and they happen to casually mention that she was severely allergic to cats. At the time, I did not have cats but my mother did and my mom was the after school caregiver. I never forgot that girl. She is still listed on the PA kids website so she was never adopted.
The Expo in general always leaves me feeling excited about what God is doing through people, but it also leaves me sad – when I see what all those folks are doing and I realize that what I am doing is spreadsheets. But I said all that to say this – I battled all those emotions at the Orphan Care Expo – and with God’s help – I won the battle. I rested in the fact that I know I am where God wants me right now. I surrender that onslaught of emotion to Him and He gave me a peace that only He can give.
SO ONE WOULD THINK…. that a little thing like I have face this week would be easy.
But no, silly me, it had me gloomy and in tears. School. School has been hard in many ways. Each time I go to Carlow, I regret not going after high school. I regret not going when my studies could have been my first priority, when I could have gotten involved in school activities, and when I could have studied abroad for a semester. But I have learned not to wallow in regret.
Obviously, the work load itself is difficult. The Business Management class I had beat me – it really beat me. It’s only the grace of God that I squeaked out with a B.
But the issue this week has me struggling more than the regret and the workload. The reason I chose Carlow was because they were the only school with Saturday classes and an adult accelerated program – where you attend one evening per week, but each class is half a semester. So I am getting three classes in the time I would only get one or two at another college. However, the purpose is about to be defeated. I am paying my astronomical tuition with federal loans. The federal government does not loan me enough to take three classes each semester. I registered for three classes for the upcoming spring semester, but my aid is $2,500 short. I attempted to get private loans from Sallie Mae and Wells Fargo, but I needed a co-signer and no one in my family was an eligible co-signer. My last resort was to try Carlow’s payment plan. Well – Carlow’s payment plan is unreasonable. They basically divide your balance by 5 (the months in a semester). Um – I don’t have a spare $500 a month – that’s like rent or a car payment.
So I began to seek direction and try to decide what to do. I was really looking forward to the classes I am registered for – because if I completed them, I would be a sophomore come Fall 2014. So, I considered getting a second job and working on the weekends and possibly one evening per week to raise the $500 a month. I was hesitant only because I was unsure how I would get the homework done if I did that. But, before I could make a decision, it was made for me. In order to go on Carlow’s payment plan, I would have to pay the first installment by December 16th. Even if I found a second job this weekend, that would not be doable. So I have no choice but to drop classes and only take two in the Spring and none in the Summer.
What angers me is that every other student (adult students) in my class, get more than enough aid to cover their tuition. It’s not because I earn more money. They get more aid because they are single moms. My accounting professor (a part time professor at Carlow) works in the financial aid office at a small college in West Virginia. He told my class that some of his students get so much aid that they get money refunded to them and they buy smart phones and cars with their excess aid. He has actually had students ask him to rush their refund so they can get a car. He recently had a meeting with a student who received $5,000 in “extra aid” that was given to her in a check – because she is 19 and has four kids. It infuriates me because I am not looking for a hand out. I don’t want the government to buy me a smartphone. All I want is a loan for the amount of my tuition. But I feel like I am being punished because I didn’t have an illegitimate child.
This unchecked anger lead to misery. I thought of all I have missed and sacrificed to go to school. I didn’t do the Beth Moore Women’s Bible study last Spring, when they studied Revelation. I dropped out of the LAMP Leadership team. I am missing all the LAMP mentors meetings because they are always held when I am in class. And now next week, I will miss one of the best services of the year – the Thanksgiving All Worship Night – because I have to be in class giving a speech.
So as I drove to class tonight, I was sad and in tears. So much time, work and sacrifice and I have to drop two classes… Well, before you all start playing your violins, hold one for one more moment…
I caught myself way too far down in the downward spiral and I started to pray – something I should have done hours before. While praying, I remembered that I hadn’t read Jesus Calling yet for today. I have it on my phone so I hit the app. I didn’t need to read it – just the title alone was Jesus speaking to me. The title for today was: Leave the Outcomes to Me.
My tears of frustration turned into happy tears on my now smiling face. No matter how many times He has spoken to me in the 25 years of our relationship, the fact that the All Knowing, All Powerful Creator and King of the universe speaks directly into the mundane, miniscule, puny happenings of my life just blows my mind. It awes me each and every time. I started to thank Him – just for speaking to me. I didn’t care that He wasn’t miraculously providing $2,500 for me to keep my classes. I was just thrilled that He was speaking to me.
There are many, many times where I feel like Jesus says to me “Raquel, really?” This was not one of them. He was patient and kind and willing to calm His child – His child that was taking a temper tantrum because she did not get her way.
I thought back to that Orphan Care Expo. I got a copy of the book Passport Through Darkness that the keynote speaker authored. The title explains the book. That woman has seen and gone through unspeakable, horrific, evil things. Page 2 of the book was gut-wrenching and I am almost done with it. I said “Lord, my life has not seen or experienced anything near that horrible. I have not known suffering at all. I have been a comforted, cushioned, sheltered, spoiled little baby compared to what Kim and the Sudanese people have gone through. How could I let myself get so upset over college classes?”
The Lord showed me two things. First, the impeccable timing of my church’s new sermon series. The sermon is dealing with the enemy and the tools that he uses to keep us from a close relationship with the Lord and from walking in the abundant life we are promised. The four tools are Deception, Doubt, Distraction, and Discouragement. I have learned to recognize the first two, but oh, that distraction gets me each and every time. I get distracted by life and I lose focus, and then comes discouragement.
I hesitated to just blame the enemy for my own stupidity. I mean, I should be smart enough to not sweat the small stuff. The Lord showed me that the enemy is great at using life events to distract us, but its our choice to stay focused on circumstances. The enemy doesn’t have a hard job. He yells “hey – look over here” and we divert our attention. The enemy has done moved on and we are still fixated on our problem.
The second thing the Lord showed me was from that book – Passport Through Darkness. When I first started reading the book, I almost chastised myself for even reading it. I mean, all it would do is make me sad, right? I would cry over the horrible things that she mentioned, and then I would get sad because God isn’t calling me to Sudan, He is calling me to a cube in corporate America (where I see enough evil in the form of damaged families).
But God had a purpose for me reading the book and it wasn’t to make me sad. It was to learn the lesson that Kim learned, without going through the suffering that Kim went through. Kim speaks not only of the evil she has seen in Sudan – I will spare you the horrific details – but she also speaks of how hard it was for her being thirsty and having no water, hungry and having no food. She ached from head to toe, incurred many physicals wounds while there, went days without sleeping or bathing. One particular story she tells is when she rode on the back of a motorcycle for five straight hours. Holding on to the shoulders of the driver, she had to beat wild dogs with sticks and was cut by brush and tree branches. Her back was in so much pain she thought she would pass out. Eventually, she flipped out on the driver for not taking a break and she yelled at him and explained all her physical ailments – as if the driver wasn’t experiencing the same thing. It was then she realized her sin. Her sin was a sense of entitlement. She felt entitled to safety, to comfort, to pain free living. She felt entitled to drink when thirsty and eat when hungry. She felt entitled to bath with clean water every day and sleep when tired. And she felt entitled to shield herself from horrors of evil happening in the world around her. She had forgotten that every good thing she has in her life is a gift from God. She is entitled to nothing. God never promises a life of comfort and safety. In fact, His Word tells us the opposite.
My story is not that extreme. But I do have a gross sense of entitlement. I am entitled to enroll in as many classes as I want. I am entitled to my degree in MY timeframe. I am entitled to go out to eat and to get gingerbread lattes at Starbucks and still have enough money for textbooks….
God my selfishness makes me sick. Forgive me. You have blessed me so much more than I deserve. I couldn’t go to school at all if it weren’t for the flexibility that my boss and my job offer to me. I have only a high school diploma, and yet I have a great job that enables me to work from home. I have my own place and my own car and family and friends who love me. Most importantly, I have an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus, who took my place and died my death on that cross so that we could be in relationship. I may never step foot on foreign soil for ministry or education, but I can step foot in the Holy of Holies in worship any time I want – and I don’t even have to be at North Way on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.
I began this blog with a song – to show how I was feeling. And I will end it with a song – to show how I am feeling.
Who taught the sun
Where to stand in the morning
Who taught the ocean
You can only come this far
And who showed the moon
Where to hide till evening
Whose words alone can
Catch a falling star
Yeah
The very same God
That spins things in orbit
Runs to the weary
The worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands
That hold me when I'm broken
They conquer death to bring me victory
Well I know
My redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
All of creation testifies
There's life within the Christ
I know my Redeemer lives
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that’s getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I’m blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You’re doin
Might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
It’s amazing the little things I struggle with. For some crazy reason, I seem to do better with battling the big stuff. Two week ago, I attended North Way’s Orphan Care Expo. I love that event, but it never loves me back. It is always a spiritual battle for me. I volunteer to host a table for Compassion, it rarely brings good results. This year only one was sponsored. But to me, even one child makes it all worth it. This year the battle was intensified. When I located my table, I found out I was surrounded. To my right was Bethany Christian Services, the people who facilitated my failed adoption. (To be clear, I am not blaming them – I just feel like I failure when I see them). In front of me was Gwen’s Girls. They are the non-profit who was hiring a staff accountant but would not interview me due to my lack of a bachelors degree. That would have been my dream job – accounting and ministering to inner city girls at the same time. But obviously, it wasn’t God’s dream for me. To ice the cake, the table to my left was Glade Run. That is the place where I met and fell in love with a child I was going to adopt. After 3 hours in a conference room with her and case workers and social workers, we were set to begin paper work for me to bring her home – and they happen to casually mention that she was severely allergic to cats. At the time, I did not have cats but my mother did and my mom was the after school caregiver. I never forgot that girl. She is still listed on the PA kids website so she was never adopted.
The Expo in general always leaves me feeling excited about what God is doing through people, but it also leaves me sad – when I see what all those folks are doing and I realize that what I am doing is spreadsheets. But I said all that to say this – I battled all those emotions at the Orphan Care Expo – and with God’s help – I won the battle. I rested in the fact that I know I am where God wants me right now. I surrender that onslaught of emotion to Him and He gave me a peace that only He can give.
SO ONE WOULD THINK…. that a little thing like I have face this week would be easy.
But no, silly me, it had me gloomy and in tears. School. School has been hard in many ways. Each time I go to Carlow, I regret not going after high school. I regret not going when my studies could have been my first priority, when I could have gotten involved in school activities, and when I could have studied abroad for a semester. But I have learned not to wallow in regret.
Obviously, the work load itself is difficult. The Business Management class I had beat me – it really beat me. It’s only the grace of God that I squeaked out with a B.
But the issue this week has me struggling more than the regret and the workload. The reason I chose Carlow was because they were the only school with Saturday classes and an adult accelerated program – where you attend one evening per week, but each class is half a semester. So I am getting three classes in the time I would only get one or two at another college. However, the purpose is about to be defeated. I am paying my astronomical tuition with federal loans. The federal government does not loan me enough to take three classes each semester. I registered for three classes for the upcoming spring semester, but my aid is $2,500 short. I attempted to get private loans from Sallie Mae and Wells Fargo, but I needed a co-signer and no one in my family was an eligible co-signer. My last resort was to try Carlow’s payment plan. Well – Carlow’s payment plan is unreasonable. They basically divide your balance by 5 (the months in a semester). Um – I don’t have a spare $500 a month – that’s like rent or a car payment.
So I began to seek direction and try to decide what to do. I was really looking forward to the classes I am registered for – because if I completed them, I would be a sophomore come Fall 2014. So, I considered getting a second job and working on the weekends and possibly one evening per week to raise the $500 a month. I was hesitant only because I was unsure how I would get the homework done if I did that. But, before I could make a decision, it was made for me. In order to go on Carlow’s payment plan, I would have to pay the first installment by December 16th. Even if I found a second job this weekend, that would not be doable. So I have no choice but to drop classes and only take two in the Spring and none in the Summer.
What angers me is that every other student (adult students) in my class, get more than enough aid to cover their tuition. It’s not because I earn more money. They get more aid because they are single moms. My accounting professor (a part time professor at Carlow) works in the financial aid office at a small college in West Virginia. He told my class that some of his students get so much aid that they get money refunded to them and they buy smart phones and cars with their excess aid. He has actually had students ask him to rush their refund so they can get a car. He recently had a meeting with a student who received $5,000 in “extra aid” that was given to her in a check – because she is 19 and has four kids. It infuriates me because I am not looking for a hand out. I don’t want the government to buy me a smartphone. All I want is a loan for the amount of my tuition. But I feel like I am being punished because I didn’t have an illegitimate child.
This unchecked anger lead to misery. I thought of all I have missed and sacrificed to go to school. I didn’t do the Beth Moore Women’s Bible study last Spring, when they studied Revelation. I dropped out of the LAMP Leadership team. I am missing all the LAMP mentors meetings because they are always held when I am in class. And now next week, I will miss one of the best services of the year – the Thanksgiving All Worship Night – because I have to be in class giving a speech.
So as I drove to class tonight, I was sad and in tears. So much time, work and sacrifice and I have to drop two classes… Well, before you all start playing your violins, hold one for one more moment…
I caught myself way too far down in the downward spiral and I started to pray – something I should have done hours before. While praying, I remembered that I hadn’t read Jesus Calling yet for today. I have it on my phone so I hit the app. I didn’t need to read it – just the title alone was Jesus speaking to me. The title for today was: Leave the Outcomes to Me.
My tears of frustration turned into happy tears on my now smiling face. No matter how many times He has spoken to me in the 25 years of our relationship, the fact that the All Knowing, All Powerful Creator and King of the universe speaks directly into the mundane, miniscule, puny happenings of my life just blows my mind. It awes me each and every time. I started to thank Him – just for speaking to me. I didn’t care that He wasn’t miraculously providing $2,500 for me to keep my classes. I was just thrilled that He was speaking to me.
There are many, many times where I feel like Jesus says to me “Raquel, really?” This was not one of them. He was patient and kind and willing to calm His child – His child that was taking a temper tantrum because she did not get her way.
I thought back to that Orphan Care Expo. I got a copy of the book Passport Through Darkness that the keynote speaker authored. The title explains the book. That woman has seen and gone through unspeakable, horrific, evil things. Page 2 of the book was gut-wrenching and I am almost done with it. I said “Lord, my life has not seen or experienced anything near that horrible. I have not known suffering at all. I have been a comforted, cushioned, sheltered, spoiled little baby compared to what Kim and the Sudanese people have gone through. How could I let myself get so upset over college classes?”
The Lord showed me two things. First, the impeccable timing of my church’s new sermon series. The sermon is dealing with the enemy and the tools that he uses to keep us from a close relationship with the Lord and from walking in the abundant life we are promised. The four tools are Deception, Doubt, Distraction, and Discouragement. I have learned to recognize the first two, but oh, that distraction gets me each and every time. I get distracted by life and I lose focus, and then comes discouragement.
I hesitated to just blame the enemy for my own stupidity. I mean, I should be smart enough to not sweat the small stuff. The Lord showed me that the enemy is great at using life events to distract us, but its our choice to stay focused on circumstances. The enemy doesn’t have a hard job. He yells “hey – look over here” and we divert our attention. The enemy has done moved on and we are still fixated on our problem.
The second thing the Lord showed me was from that book – Passport Through Darkness. When I first started reading the book, I almost chastised myself for even reading it. I mean, all it would do is make me sad, right? I would cry over the horrible things that she mentioned, and then I would get sad because God isn’t calling me to Sudan, He is calling me to a cube in corporate America (where I see enough evil in the form of damaged families).
But God had a purpose for me reading the book and it wasn’t to make me sad. It was to learn the lesson that Kim learned, without going through the suffering that Kim went through. Kim speaks not only of the evil she has seen in Sudan – I will spare you the horrific details – but she also speaks of how hard it was for her being thirsty and having no water, hungry and having no food. She ached from head to toe, incurred many physicals wounds while there, went days without sleeping or bathing. One particular story she tells is when she rode on the back of a motorcycle for five straight hours. Holding on to the shoulders of the driver, she had to beat wild dogs with sticks and was cut by brush and tree branches. Her back was in so much pain she thought she would pass out. Eventually, she flipped out on the driver for not taking a break and she yelled at him and explained all her physical ailments – as if the driver wasn’t experiencing the same thing. It was then she realized her sin. Her sin was a sense of entitlement. She felt entitled to safety, to comfort, to pain free living. She felt entitled to drink when thirsty and eat when hungry. She felt entitled to bath with clean water every day and sleep when tired. And she felt entitled to shield herself from horrors of evil happening in the world around her. She had forgotten that every good thing she has in her life is a gift from God. She is entitled to nothing. God never promises a life of comfort and safety. In fact, His Word tells us the opposite.
My story is not that extreme. But I do have a gross sense of entitlement. I am entitled to enroll in as many classes as I want. I am entitled to my degree in MY timeframe. I am entitled to go out to eat and to get gingerbread lattes at Starbucks and still have enough money for textbooks….
God my selfishness makes me sick. Forgive me. You have blessed me so much more than I deserve. I couldn’t go to school at all if it weren’t for the flexibility that my boss and my job offer to me. I have only a high school diploma, and yet I have a great job that enables me to work from home. I have my own place and my own car and family and friends who love me. Most importantly, I have an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus, who took my place and died my death on that cross so that we could be in relationship. I may never step foot on foreign soil for ministry or education, but I can step foot in the Holy of Holies in worship any time I want – and I don’t even have to be at North Way on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.
I began this blog with a song – to show how I was feeling. And I will end it with a song – to show how I am feeling.
Who taught the sun
Where to stand in the morning
Who taught the ocean
You can only come this far
And who showed the moon
Where to hide till evening
Whose words alone can
Catch a falling star
Yeah
The very same God
That spins things in orbit
Runs to the weary
The worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands
That hold me when I'm broken
They conquer death to bring me victory
Well I know
My redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
All of creation testifies
There's life within the Christ
I know my Redeemer lives
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