It's been over a week since my surgery and I am still at home recovering. A hidden blessing this surgery has brought is the ability to focus on my schoolwork full time and hopefully end the semester well. I have been inundated with schoolwork and I have no clue how I would have gotten all the work done if I were working as usual. For the past three days I have spent a minimum of 8 hours per day at my desk focused solely on Intermediate Accounting.
Today I received North Way's Year End Giving mailing and it reminded me that I have been meaning to go to the website www.nwimmeasurablymore.org and check out all of the things they mentioned at the family meetings. So I figured it would be a welcomed break from school work and I grabbed a snack and logged on.
The information on that website was thrilling. I had an excitement that I hadn't felt in so long. When I watched the video for the large space for North Way Oakland I had goosebumps and got misty-eyed. I don't even attend that campus! One would think I would get excited over the ministry in Homewood, and I did, but for some reason the Oakland space made my heart soar.
It didn't soar long before my crazy brain threw some self-centered thoughts in the mix. I thought to myself: God is doing so many wonderful things. Lives are being changed. People are being ministered to. His kingdom is advancing. AND I AM DOING ACCOUNTING?????? Since the start of the semester this past August, I have done nothing but work and accounting. Whose life is being changed by the numbers I crunch day in and day out? Sure, I like crunching numbers, and I am good at it (else I would not be doing it) but it has no eternal value. No one's life is made better by my accounting. No one begins a relationship with Jesus due to balance sheets and statements of comprehensive income.
In the middle of this downward spiral my phone hums and announces an email - and its Pastor's Jay blog. If I had a dollar for each time that blog has come at just the right moment......
So I began to encourage myself by reciting all the things that folks have said to me: you can touch the lives of the people you work with, God has you as a light in the darkness...." I even reminded myself that just yesterday I wrote letters to 7 children around the globe living in poverty. (I only sponsor 2 but I assist Compassion in writing letters to children who have sponsors that won't write to them). Reminding myself of these things helped to end the pity party I invited myself to, but I still wasn't okay and definitely wasn't ready to resume accounting homework.
I started to chat with God and I was not angry or upset or even questioning Him (though I was tempted to) but I did say that I didn't think His plan for my life made much sense (cause you know, I am the omniscient one). I told him that there are so many people who are completely comfortable in their suburban lifestyle corporate America jobs and many times He calls those people to leave that lifestyle behind and follow Him into full time ministry. But not me, I am the weirdo. I want the full time ministry and He calls me to corporate America??!!! Really? It's just weird.
Oh but I love Him and I love that He doesn't lose patience with me and He just talks me through these moments. He gently reminded me of something. He has prepared me for this time in my life. He has prepared me and I have practiced the art of having your body and mind be in one place while your heart is in another.
Most of you have heard my testimony. When I was 14 years old and accompanied a friend to something she called "youth group", I met Jesus and began a relationship with Him and with the people of Abundant Life Church who introduced me to Him. My parents, who were then devout Catholics, forbid me to attend Abundant Life Church because it was not a Catholic church. Those of you who think I am extremely emotional now - you may want to thank God you didn't know me at age 14! I yelled at my parents: "what is wrong with you? Do you know how many parents would kill to have a 14 year old that DESIRES to go to church and yet you are forbidding me???" So my brilliant idea was to simply sneak and go to church. But when I told my pastor's wife about this she said "oh, no - you have to do what your parents tell you to do - even if that means not coming to church." Her daughter chimed in with a phrase that I would hear a million times more - "if you do what is right, right will come back to you." I obeyed my parents and stayed away though it broke my heart. Nine months later, seemingly out of nowhere, the "bann" was lifted and I returned to that church and spent the my last three years of high school in the the church's school. My parents eventually left religion and found a relationship with Jesus (not due to anything I said or did).
I smiled when God brought this back into my mind and I realized He taught me that lesson in my youth to prepare me to practice it again today. Oh, I left my parents home when I was 24 but God is now the Father I obey. Each time I ask God if I can quit school He says no. For some reason, just as I was teenager banned from church, I am an adult banned from full time ministry. However, now that God has shown me that He graciously prepared me for this time in my life, I feel a renewed passion and energy to do what God has called me to do, even though why He called me to it makes no sense to me.
The more exciting part is wondering when and how He will create miracles. When my father decided to lift the church bann, it was not because of anything I said or did. I simply obeyed God and obeyed my parents and somehow God changed my parents' heart. And when my parents began their own relationship with Jesus, it was nothing I said or did. I did not "witness" or "evangelize" them. I didn't preach or show them Scriptures. In fact, I was living with a relative when out of the blue my mom stopped talking about their priest and started mentioning some other person called Pastor Larry. How and when that switch happened I still to this day do not know (I should probably ask).
Point is - all I did was obey God and HE (not me) made things happen.
So.... if you will excuse me, I have some accounting to do...... :)
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