Saturday, November 29, 2014

When Excellence Becomes Obsession

I cannot believe it has been nearly a year since I wrote a blog. I was thinking it had been about 4-5 months, but January 7, 2014 was my last post and here it is November 30th. Well, this discovery is confirmation of tonight's blog topic - so I guess I was meant to write tonight.

If you know me, you know that I am in school pursuing my first bachelors degree. This isn't new news - I began this journey in January 2012. This past semester however, has been different from all the rest in that it has taken nearly 100% of my spare time. Since August, it seems that all I do is work and school work. Two of my good friends that I meet with only once a month have not seen me since the semester began. Sadly, my family has only seen me when medical emergencies arose.

Now, I do have a strict professor for Intermediate Accounting and her workload defies description. In all fairness though, I can't place all the blame on her. I am the stereotypical OCD person. I believe that if you decide to do something, do it with excellence or don't bother doing it. So when it comes to school, my obsessive compulsive brain says: "you either get an A, or you have failed." This current class has been so difficult, I carried an 88 for the majority of the semester. Though many folks have told me to be proud of my 88, an 88 is a B and I want a A. So I work harder, I study longer, I strive.

In addition to this, I am a new hire at my job. It's a dream job that I could not possibly love more than I do, but there is still a learning curve and a proving period.

So my life for the past four months has been: stay up past my bedtime doing schoolwork, wake up tired so snooze the alarms a few times, get out of bed with barely enough time to shower and run out the door, work, go to Carlow, study, repeat. I keep telling myself it is temporary - its only four months.
Now that I am nearing the end of the four months I am realizing the toll it has taken.

When I roll out of bed with just enough time to shower and run, I miss any quality time with the Lord. Before I know it, I've gone months on a spiritual fast-food diet and I wonder why I feel spiritually sick. I have told almost all my friends and family that I will see them when the semester is over, yet my life began to fill purposeless. I was feeling robotic - just going through the motions of the day.

So what exactly is the problem and what is the solution? The problem is I allowed excellence to become an obsession and drive out every other thing from my life. And see, I should know better. I do know better. Several years ago, Pastor Jay said in one of his sermons that there were only two things in life that mattered: your relationship with God and your relationships with other people. Why? Because those two things are the only things that are eternal. Every other thing we have or do cannot accompany us into eternity. So why in heaven's name do we spend so much time and energy on things of only temporal value?

So... I have a solution! I can quit school and focus on God and other people. Right? Wrong.
I believe God wants to me continue school. I believe He lead me to begin the journey and wants me to finish it. I also believe He wants me to work with excellence, but not with obsession. Ecclesiastes 7:18 says to avoid all extremes. So how do I maintain this difficult balance? First, by making communication with Him my number one priority. If I do that, He can help me with the other time management aspects. His Holy Spirit will guide me and I will know when to tell a friend that I can't see them this month or when to go and see them and trust that the work will get done.

I have got to make sure my time with Him is my first priority. Realistically, I may not be able to sit for 45 minutes each morning. But I also can't "just pray in the car" each day for four months.

The bottom line is - I just can't do this without Him. He has used these past four months to show me that. Today's Jesus Calling devotional said: "...I have taken you along a path that has highlighted your need for me: placing you in situations where your strengths were irrelevant and your weaknesses were glaringly evident. Through the aridity of those desert marches, I have drawn you closer to Myself. Needing Me is the key to knowing Me intimately"

This semester has definitely proved that I need the Lord - like a deer pants for water. Regaining that intimacy will bring excellence - in the things that matter most. And will most likely keep some excellence with the schoolwork, though that excellence might look like a B.

What I am most thankful for - is that He is obsessed with communicating with me. :)

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