Coincidence? I Think Not!

During my last blog post, I mentioned that I needed to blog more often in order to process what God is speaking to me and doing in my life. In keeping with that decision, I am excited to share about an answer to prayer that I received today. The funny thing is – I didn’t realize it was an answer to prayer until hours after it occurred. Let the story begin…

To anyone who knows me, it is no secret that I despise summer. I abhor heat. I have been this way since my childhood. What some folks do not know, is that my doctor has actually diagnosed me with Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder. Each summer, I get extremely lethargic. This lethargy is not just physical. Emotionally, I get apathetic. Mentally, I get lazy – my brain goes into a fog and I am lucky I know my own name. Spiritually, I become lukewarm. If I had my way, I would fall asleep in May and wake up in October. In the beginning of each summer, I try to talk myself out of it. I make plans of all the things I am going to do – and then I come home from work, and lay on my couch until it’s time to go to bed. I might have the tv on, but I am not really paying attention to it. I might play silly games on the iPad. The most aggravating part is that for some reason, when it is time to go to sleep, I cannot fall asleep.

Last night was particularly rough. I was tired. I went to bed at 9:30. I could not fall asleep. I took Melatonin. An hour later I ate a tablespoon of peanut butter and chased it with a glass of milk (the chemical reaction is supposed to help you sleep). I tried to make good use of the time and pray. It was one of those moments where the heavens seemed like brass. I heard nothing; I felt nothing. Slightly after 1 am, I was rummaging through my nightstand drawer and came across a book that my small group leader gave to me. It is called Prayer Points: Praying God’s Promises at Your Point of Need. It has Scriptures and prayers for various issues. Well, there was not one for insomnia, nor for Reverse SAD.

As I was flipping through, I noticed one for “boredom”. I was only “bored” because I couldn’t sleep, but I read what it had to say. One of the Scriptures was Isaiah 40:31: Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on winds like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.

The author’s comments were: “Have a conversation with God about how listless you are. Let Him know the feelings you have about each area of your life. Allow Him to speak into your current situation.”

I won’t type the whole prayer, but parts of it were “Lord, I need your help getting out of this rut. I have no energy and no passion for anything these days. I don’t know how to regain that and I am wary of fake, false, artificial means of manufacturing joy”. (Those who know me know that I abhor phoniness even more than heat). The prayer goes on to say “I trust that YOU are the Source of renewed passion in me, Lord. I pray that you will help re-energize me in a way that is authentic and real and true. Help me to embrace the promise of soaring high on wings like eagles and I pray it will manifest in my life in the coming days”.

So, I prayed that prayer wholeheartedly. I still felt nothing and before 2 am I did fall asleep – with the alarm set for 5. I woke up at 5 and tried to read the Bible and pray. I was so tired and kept yawning. I wasn’t really absorbing what I was reading. So, I got ready and went to work.

Various things occurred throughout the day. Things that I thought were just chance. At work, I had a meeting with my supervisor. He is very down to earth, realistic, and level headed (yes, I know you’re jealous – lol). I told him I felt like I was in a rut at work. My day was consumed with daily tasks and I was not getting to projects and I was not finding the time to continue learning and growing in my position. In 20 minutes, I was given several suggestions, tangible tools, and two books to read. I left that meeting pumped and excited to be challenged again in my work.

Then, I had a conversation with a friend who had mentioned they had a gym membership. I said that I could never afford one of those and they mentioned that their gym was only $20 a month. I thought there had to be a catch. After work, I went to that gym and found no catch at all. $20 a month, 24/7 access and a free trainer (by appt). Monday morning at 6 am, I meet with this trainer to discuss my needs and abilities (6 knee surgeries) and develop a customized fitness plan.

When I got home, I had an email from a church I visited in eastern PA. This church had a class before the worship service which was wonderful. I had communicated to this church how much I enjoyed their class and I told them I wish the state of Pennsylvania was smaller so I could attend the class each week. The email contained a link to watch each class on my own time via video – and a print out of the notes!

Finally, to ice the cake, I received a message from my aunt in Jamestown, New York. She and my uncle invited me up for a weekend in August. They want to hear my Cambodia story. As if the invite were not enough, they began to inquire about my favorite foods and beverages and it would appear that they plan to make me queen for the weekend! Spending time with extended family is a gift straight from the hands of God.

As all these things unfolded today, my silly self just thought they were random, chance circumstances. The invitation from family had me floating on air around my home – until I walked into my bedroom and saw the book on my nightstand. Then I remembered. I am not floating on air – I am soaring high on wings like eagles – less than 24 hours after I prayed for the reality of the Scripture to manifest itself in a true and real way.

I wonder how often we do that. We cry out to God for help, He answers, yet we do not see the answer because we think it is just life. I’m glad He didn’t let me go too long without realizing that once again His heart and hand were active in my life. I love how personal He is!

Know what else I love? That God wants us to be involved in our own growth. Like the Good Father that He is, He gives us good gifts, but He also teaches us how to use what He has given us. During a conversation with a friend who is known from wisdom, he used this example. Say you are out of work and in need of a job. As a Christian, of course you would pray and ask God to provide you with a job. But you would not pray and then just sit and do nothing and expect someone to call you and offer you a job. You pray, and then you create a resume, and search for jobs, and network with people, etc. You do everything you can do, and leave the rest to God. Having done all to stand, stand. Ephesians 6:13.

Last night I prayed a desperate prayer. Today, God gave me answers to every aspect of my problem. Spiritual lethargy – an online class with notes. Mental lethargy – new tools to stimulate growth in my job. Physical lethargy – a new and cheap gym membership. Emotional lethargy – a scheduled weekend with extended family.

God provided the answers. It’s up to me to do something with them. I still must make a choice. I have to choose to go to the gym and work out. I have to choose to implement the tools my supervisor gave me. I have to listen to the videos from the church and engage in the course material. And in August, I have to fill up my gas tank and drive to Jamestown, New York.

I have Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder. The word “disorder” tends to imply that I am a victim and I cannot help it. That is a lie. I may still feel lethargic before October arrives, but it is my choice to act lethargic. I prayed. God answered. It is my turn to act.

And now, I will claim the promise of Psalm 127:2… He grants sleep to those He loves.

Building Altars and Gathering Manna

I haven’t blogged in ages. I honestly haven’t thought too much about it, but today I realized that when God shows me something, I “digest” it better when I write or talk about it. So today, I am resuming my blog and hoping to write on a more regular basis.

It’s been almost a month. This Monday will mark one month since I have been home from my first mission trip. My Cambodia story has been shared in several one on one or group conversations. It is not my intent to share the story via blog. My purpose here is to share what God had showed me this morning regarding the month that I have been home.

When I went to Cambodia, I was hoping to come back changed. In many ways, I have. It was my desire to not lose my passion for the Lord and what He is doing today. One does not need to be in a foreign country to see God’s heart and hand at work. I am blessed in a way that I see it frequently, regardless of my location. But life has a way of sucking the life out of you. Nothing “bad” has happened in the past month, but I quickly found myself consumed by life again. My thoughts somehow drifted from what God is doing and wants to do in me and through me to my “to-do” list. I wake up every morning and the first thing on my mind is everything I have to (or want to) accomplish. This morning I realized that things were starting to feel mediocre – like I was in a rut. I looked at the Cambodia pictures that I have strategically placed around my home and thought, “was that really only a month ago?” It honestly feels like it was 6 months ago. What happened?

So, I grab my coffee and head up to my attic “war room” to inquire of the Lord and try to “fan the flame” if you will. As I began to pray, two words came to mind: altars and manna. Strange. Those two don’t seem to go together. So, I took a little journey through the Old Testament to see what God was trying to show me.

In the OT, people often built altars to the Lord after moments of spiritual significance. Noah built an altar after the flood (Gen 8:20). Abram built an altar when God gave him the promise of land and descendants (Gen 12:8). Isaac built one when God gave them provision of a well (Gen 26:25). Moses and Samuel both built altars after victories in battle (Exodus 17:15 and I Sam 7:17). These altars were built to remember what God had done. They were monuments to the Lord – almost like our modern-day trophies.

I read through 13 stories where people built altars to the Lord and I discovered something: none of them stayed at the altar. They all moved on to whatever God had for them next. The altar ensured that they did not forget what God had done. God had changed their circumstances and simultaneously changed their hearts. These were lessons to remember. But it was not a place to camp out.

The personal application: I have certainly built an altar to the Lord for all He did in Cambodia. I don’t want to ever forget what He did in my heart through the people and circumstances there. However, if I rely on a mission trip to keep me spiritually fueled, I am in trouble.

In Exodus 17, right after an altar-building story, is the story of the manna. Manna was food that God provided for the people every day. He had instructed the people to go out in the morning and gather what was needed for that day. On the sixth day, they gathered double – so that no one had to gather (work) on the Sabbath.

While manna was physical food for the people back then, it can be related to spiritual nourishment for us today. Scripture makes reference to the Word and Jesus as being the Bread of Life. A couple of principles are seen here. First, the people had to do something. They had to gather the manna. God did not spoon feed them. This is where the “if you don’t work, you don’t eat” concept comes into play. In order to eat, they had to choose to wake up and gather what they needed.

Personal application: If I am feeling mediocre, could it be that I am spiritually malnourished because I have not spent enough time gathering my spiritual food? Sure, I spend time on Saturdays, after I have slept in and have no time commitments until later in the day. During the week, I fall into the trap of surviving on a spiritual fast-food diet – hitting the snooze button too many times, praying in the car on the way to work and glancing at a 3-minute devotional app on my phone. In the natural, if you grab McDonalds one day for a quick breakfast, it’s no big deal. If you make a daily habit of it – you’re bound to get sick.

Scripture says that the people woke up and gathered their manna. They woke up with enough time to gather it before beginning their tasks for the day. It was priority. Doing their tasks well depended on their nourishment. Notice that they didn’t wait until lunch hour or after work to gather – it would have been too late. In Exodus 16:21, it tells us that the manna that was not gathered was melted away by the sun. The provision and nourishment was readily available, provided straight from God – but if the people did not gather it, it melted away. Life sucked the life out of it – literally. What a waste.

Lastly, God instructed them to not take more than what they needed for that day. Of course, some of them disobeyed. They tried to “stock up” on manna. Perhaps to save them the work of gathering on a busier than usual day. But what happened? Verse 19 tells us the leftover manna became full of maggots and had a terrible smell. Leave it to humanity. God provides for our needs, but we want it our way and spoil His blessings.

Is this not what we do – albeit unknowingly sometimes? We “stock up” on spiritual nourishment on Sundays with awesome corporate worship and a good Word. We have a spiritual high while on a mission trip or some other ministry experience. We have spiritual pep rallies in our small groups. Those mountain top moments are great. We need them and God generously blesses us with them, but if we rely on yesterday’s manna for today’s needs, we might find it full of maggots and unconsumable.

Life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows – both physically and spiritually. Don’t forget what God has done. Build your altar. Worship Him and thank Him at that altar. Revisit the altar and remember the lessons you learned and how God changed your heart and your life. But don’t stay there. God has a fresh Word for us each day – a Word that is specifically formulated to nourish us for the needs of that particular day. What a blessing! How sweet is it that we have a Father who longs to provide us everything we need for life and Godliness (2 Peter 1:3). But He will not spoon feed us. We have to gather it. We have to get out of bed, we have to set the time aside, we have to open our Bibles and shut out the demands of our looming to-do list.
For me, Cambodia was amazing. I am hoping to go back – and hopefully soon. The altar has been built. But it cannot carry me into what God has for me right now. Each morning, I have to gather my manna, my daily bread. And when I start each day at the gathering place, none of my moments are mediocre, and I have no need to look back.

Good Friday Repentance

I haven’t blogged in ages. I miss it. Even if no one reads my blogs, they are helpful to me when I write them. Blogging is just a hobby, it is not mandatory. However, the reason I have not blogged is the same reason that is causing me to have to repent before my Savior this morning. I’ll explain.

Today is Good Friday. I’m thankful that it’s a paid holiday for me. Even when I have had to take a vacation day, I have always set aside Good Friday to have a date with my Savior and Friend. I spend the morning and early afternoon in personal time with Jesus before heading to church late afternoon. Like most Christians, I tend to reflect a little deeper on Good Friday. I remember the events leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus. I think about His anguish in the Garden of Gethsemane. I think about the crown of thorns, the beatings, the painful, slow carrying of that cross down the Via De La Rosa to Calvary where nails were pounded through His hands and feet. Worse than all that physical pain was the mockery and piercing comments of the crowd. His closest friends have scattered. The crowd that cried “Hosanna” just one week prior, now shouted “crucify Him”. The mocking comments of “save yourself” and “ha – King of the Jews” had to hurt Him more than any nail or thorn ever could.

This reflection causes tears to stream down my face, but tears are inadequate and words fall short as I recall the reason all of this took place. Because of me. Period. My sin nailed Him to that cross. The Bible says the wages of sin is death. It was my cross, my death and Jesus decided that He would rather it be Him than me. In the most unfair exchange ever, Jesus took my sin and gave me His righteousness.

Two things happened as a result of that exchange. Unfortunately, many folks are only aware or accepting of the first. The first thing that resulted from this exchange was salvation. Sin had separated us from God and with our sin-stained lives, we could not be with God – we were doomed to spend eternity in hell – permanently separated from God. Jesus’s blood purchased our salvation. Those who accept His free gift have their eternity secured. Our ticket into heaven has been purchased. But that is just the beginning, it does not stop there.

When I was about 8 years old, I went with a neighbor to her church. I remember the church singing a hymn and saying “when we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be.” I was only 8 years old but even then I thought to myself “you have to wait until you get to heaven??? Who wants to wait that long!”

It wasn’t until I was 14 that I would learn the second result of Jesus’s death on the cross. See, I didn’t have to wait until heaven. Jesus died my death so that I could enjoy relationship with the Father – right now, on earth.

Matthew 27:51 tells us that when Jesus died, the temple veil was torn in two from top to bottom. What does that mean? In the temple, the veil separated the Holy of Holies, the place of God’s presence from the rest of the temple. Only the High Priest could access God’s presence. This was a symbol of intimacy with God. The common folk never left the outer court. When Jesus died and that veil was torn – He made a way for every day common folk to have an intimate, personal relationship with God – right now.

When I first learned this in my teenage years, I could not describe the wonder and the joy I felt. Why would the Creator of everything want a relationship with me? Further, why would Jesus suffer such a horrible death to give me the gift of that relationship? I was so wonderstruck that I pursued that relationship with every ounce of effort I had. I could not get enough. I couldn’t spend enough time in the Word, in worship, in prayer, in church. I wanted more and more.

It is this recollection that causes me to spend time repenting this morning. As I recall what a costly price was paid for me to have that relationship, I realize that I have somehow lost the wonder. The time with Jesus that I pursued so passionately has become something I do if and when life allows – such as a day off like today. Oh, every once in a while I wake up in time to spend a few moments with Him in the morning and about a month ago I joined the ladies Bible study. But the pursuit is just not there. What happened?

My sin is not one of action, it is one of attitude and mindset. I don’t mean to put God on the back burner. Somehow, I have allowed life to get so big. I am consumed with work, school, household management, and friendships – sadly, in that order. None of these things are bad and they are necessary. I can’t call off work to spend time reading the Bible. Somehow, though, I have allowed these things to take the majority of my mental and emotional energy. I am daily consumed with thoughts about my to-do list. When I do have an evening or a few hours to myself, I am usually exhausted (more mentally than physically) and I spend my time vegged out on the couch watching television or playing internet games (a mindless activity). Twenty years ago, I had a job. I had relationships. I had responsibilities. However, they did not consume me. They certainly did not take my focus off of Jesus.
Of the things that I spend my time on, only my relationships have any eternal value whatsoever. The other things won’t matter at the end of my earthly life so why do they get so much of my mental energy? When I finally get to leave this earth and see Jesus face to face, neither He nor I will be thinking about cost basis! He won’t ask me how the transition of portfolio accounting software went. We won’t care whether or not I passed the CPA exam. All that will matter then is my relationship with Him and how I lived my life here on earth. Jesus cares about how well I work and He wants me to do everything I do with excellence, but He never intended for it to consume me.

My heart hurts thinking about what I have done. A precious, priceless gift of a relationship with God and through my actions I have said that this crazy, temporal life takes a front seat in my mind. What hurts even more is that I know I have blogged a similar thing before. This isn’t new. I catch myself, I try harder, and I fall back into this trap time and time again. Another Romans 7.

Here comes the Good News. Grace. I don’t mean to take my sin lightly and slap a bandage of grace on it, but I reach for that grace and grab it like a life preserver, not relaxing on it like a lounge raft. That same amazing grace that took my sin and nailed it to a cross, covers me when my spiritual walk becomes a crawl. Somehow, this amazing Savior still wants to have relationship with me even after I put Him on the back burner. That Old Rugged Cross paid for this sin of mine – my current faulty mindset – and beckons me once again to the foot of Calvary. And as I kneel there and acknowledge that my need for a Savior is just as great as it was on July 30, 1988 when I first accepted Jesus, I ask for His help to break this cycle.

In my ladies Bible study, we learned that the Holy Spirit’s job is to change us from the inside out. We can’t try to change our actions and hope that our actions will change our heart. The Holy Spirit changes our heart and then our actions change.

So today, I seek the Holy Spirit’s help to renew my mind, to help me to magnify the Lord in my thoughts so that the things of this earth become strangely dim. I ask Him to rekindle the desire to pursue and deepen our relationship. I pray for grace to keep my priorities straight and to remain focused on Jesus – not just today on Good Friday, not just this Easter weekend, but on Monday when I resume my crazy, hectic schedule and through the month of April when I deal with quarter end and tax time at work and final exams at school. And as I try desperately to maintain the relationships of those closest to me, I ask the Holy Spirit’s help to maintain the most important one I have – the one purchased with blood.

If you are a believer and a friend of mine, would you help me with this? Would you make me accountable? When you see me or communicate electronically, feel free to ask me how my relationship with Jesus is going, before asking me about work or school. Remind me to put more mental energy into eternal things than temporal things. The last thing I want is to type a blog similar to this one on Good Friday, 2017.

But for Grace…..

When the Brain and Heart Go Separate Directions

Since my church is in the middle of message series called Wonderstruck: Recapturing the Awe of God, many of us have been posting to Facebook pictures and things that cause us to be wonder struck in some way or another. My Facebook post this morning was a good one. I posted about my biological father. I have never met the man a day in my life. I know very little about him. I know his name and his approximate age. I do not even know if he is alive or dead. I’ve never even seen a picture. However, my mom tells me that I have his personality. I think like him and act like him. I understand genetics when it comes to physical attributes, but to think that I have the personality of someone that I have not spent one second of time with…. that level of genetic inheritance causes me to be, well, wonder struck.

If I had only known when I posted this morning that the evening events would again prove this fact, I might have mentioned in my post that these personality traits are not good ones.

Once again, God used an event at school to illustrate a spiritual principle. I am glad that He is patient with me and continues to instruct me through these life lessons. Although I am one of the most transparent people on the planet, even I am quite a bit embarrassed by this story. I will share it though in order to share the spiritual application.

Tonight was my final exam in my Managerial Accounting class. I tend to be overly concerned about my grades (in my mind anything that isn’t an A is an F) and therefore I spent a good deal of time studying and preparing for this exam. I studied 5 hours the night before, 40 minutes during lunch, and 90 minutes directly before class. I knew the material. It was not overly difficult. Only the volume of material I needed to know scared me a bit. I was concerned that I would focus too much on one concept at the expense of others.

I was slightly stressed all day but I kept telling myself things that my Beginning Accounting professor taught us. He would say “this is not your life; it is just an Accounting test” and “do your best but keep things in perspective”. I rehearsed these truths over and over all day.

Here is the funny (or insane) part: my overall average for the class before the final exam was a 98%. The only way I could not have an A for the final grade would be if I scored a 72% or lower on this final exam – an unlikely event. So I didn’t want to be over confident, but I felt pretty sure my coveted A was in the bag.

So I start the exam and for the first two pages everything is fine. Page three contained some true and false questions that confused me. There were three of them I was not sure about and I began to get concepts mixed up. I started to panic. I put my pencil down, re-read the questions and tried to just think them through. All of sudden my neck was killing me and I got so hot I was profusely sweating. Nausea followed and I got a little dizzy. I seriously thought I was going to throw up on the table. I looked at the professor and asked if I could step out to get a drink of water. She seemed to hesitate. A student leaving the class in the middle of a test could be an opportunity for them to cheat. So I told her I felt I was going to throw up and I would only go as far as the water fountain, which she and the other students could see from the classroom. She consented. I took a drink of water and tried to breathe. I chastised myself for getting that worked up. I went back in the classroom and the professor asked if I wanted a mint and I accepted. I then resumed taking the exam. Two minutes later there is a tablet being placed under my nose. The professor had taken a tablet and had written in bold capital letters “RELAX!!!!! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY NOT GET AN A IN THIS CLASS!!!!!!” I laughed and that laughter released just enough endorphins to chase the nausea away. Even though I was one of the last students to finish, I am confident I got higher than a 72.

As I sat in my car in Carlow’s parking lot, I felt embarrassed by what had just occurred. I remembered this morning’s Facebook post. My biological father would have done exactly what I did. Unfortunately, this is more than just a funny personality trait. This is a character flaw. Well, at least I am consistent. This character flaw not only occurs at school, but in every area of my life – including my spiritual life.

The character flaw is this: The information I know in my brain somehow has trouble getting down to my heart. Time and time again, when an unexpected storm of life occurs, my heart runs amok and takes over, shutting down my brain and all its knowledge. Even worse, most times the storm is not even real – it’s all internal.

In regards to this test, my brain knew everything it needed to know. I am not referring to the material on the exam. My brain knew that it was just an Accounting test. My brain knew I would more than likely have an A for the class. My brain knew that this test, the class, or even my educational goals have absolutely no eternal significance whatsoever.
If my brain knew that, why didn’t my heart follow? Why couldn’t I use the truth of what I knew to keep my emotions calm and in check?

This happens far too often in my spiritual walk. I know everything I am supposed to know. I believe God’s Word is 100% true. The Bible says that He has given us everything we need for life and Godliness. God has proven to me personally countless times that He is a Good Father, a perfect Shepherd, a Faithful Provider, a Diligent Protector, a Constant Companion, and the Savior of my soul. I know that I know that I know that He is working all things for my good and nothing can separate me from Him.

Yet, more often that not, when life brings me a small storm or a slight bump in the road, I react just the way I did in class tonight. When the storm ends and everything is fine, I wonder why I acted that way when I knew God was in control the whole time. Why can’t my brain get my heart under control?

Scripture identifies and confirms my problem. Jeremiah 17:9 NLT says: “the human heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can understand it?”
Of course there is the infamous Romans 7… “What I want to do I do not do and what I hate to do that I find myself doing”. AMEN!

Thankfully, Scripture not only identifies my problem. It provides a solution. However, that solution is no quick fix. It is a process called sanctification. Sanctification occurs, albeit for some more slowly than others, when one spends time with the Lord and allows the Master Potter to have their heart and slowly change it from a heart that is deceitful and wicked to a heart that is like Christ.

I have been in relationship with Jesus for 27 years. I am sorely disappointed in myself tonight and I am ashamed that my heart is still so deceitful. It makes no sense to strive for an A in Managerial Accounting and fail a simple test of application of Biblical principles. However, just as my professor didn’t chastise me as I deserved but rescued me with encouragement, my Savior does the same. He encourages me with Psalm 73:26 which says that my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever, and He reminds me of His promise in Philippians 1:6 that He who began the good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

I am confident that there will be a day when the Godly character that I inherit from my heavenly Father will overrule the personality I inherited from my biological one. When that day finally comes, I, along with everyone else shall truly be…. Wonderstruck.

Responding to Grace

I haven’t blogged in such a long time. I miss it. What I miss even more is Bible study – both by myself and in a group. Working full time and pursuing a college degree leaves little time for anything else. Thankfully, God speaks to us in many ways and can use anything or anyone to illustrate a point. Many times, He has used my college experiences to clarify a Biblical concept. Today’s lesson was sweet, and even though a ton of homework awaits, I have to take time to write about this – if for no other reason than to make sure it penetrates deep within my own spirit.

Grace. We Christians love that word. As well we should, for without it we have no salvation and no relationship with God. Today, in my tax accounting class, I was the recipient of grace. The professor handed us our graded homework from the last class. I did not do as well as I had thought. Out of 65 problems, I had made 9 mistakes. Some of them were silly, minor mistakes and some revealed that I did not understand the material. Seeing all those red x marks was depressing. However, if I showed you the front page of my homework, you would never know that I had made 9 mistakes. The professor had written across the top of the paper: “100% Nice Job”! Nice job? If I did the math, I should have an 86%, which to me is not a nice job. On the books, however, I have 100%.
The professor explained that because this is an accelerated class and we are learning much of the material on our own, all she is looking for is to see that we tried. She said that she can tell who gave it their all and who slacked off and if she could see the effort, we were given a perfect score. Wow.

During the break, I was chatting with some fellow students and we were talking about the work we are currently doing. Several of the students made comments saying that we didn’t have to try to get it right. They said that as long as we wrote something down, she would give us the credit and therefore we did not need to try so hard. Ouch. I am so glad she did not hear these students, though I doubt she would be surprised. We were given a precious gift – the gift of grace – and some decided to abuse it.

It is not difficult to see the spiritual parallel here. No matter how well we may try to live our lives, the Bible tells us that all have sinned. It says there are none righteous, no not one. No human being, with the exception of God in the flesh (Jesus) has ever gotten a 100% grade on their lives. We have made mistakes. We have failed. We have sinned. God, in His great love for us, sent Jesus to die a horrific death on the cross. In other words, Jesus paid a much higher price (His blood) to extend grace than my accounting professor has paid. Yet, some choose to abuse even the grace of God. How is God’s grace abused? The best answer to that question was given by one of North Way’s pastors in a blog of his own. His blog was written during a mission trip and he explained what God had shown him while overseas. He wrote “I cease trying to work out my salvation with fear and trembling and I begin to arrogantly rely on God’s grace.” Those words have wrecked me time and again.

Now let me be clear. As Christians, we absolutely have to rely on God’s grace. We have no choice. We are incapable of getting it 100% right. We can try and try and try but we will still miss the mark. However, it is the adverb in my pastor’s statement that turns a necessary thing into a horrible thing. It becomes horrible when we ARROGANTLY rely on God’s grace. When we decide to stop trying and just live our lives any old way we want to because well, its okay, God will give me grace… that is when we become arrogant.

Let’s go back to tax accounting for one moment. When I was handed that paper containing 9 mistakes but showing 100%, I had two responses. First was gratitude. I was beyond grateful for my professor’s extension of grace. My second response is that I want to do better next time. I want to try harder. I want to give it all I’ve got. Even though I know that grace will continue to be there, I do not want to rely on it. I don’t want to see 9 mistakes on my next assignment. I am sure I am going to make some, but I will feel bad when I do. To slack off on my work because I know the professor has promised grace would be poor character on my part. It shows a lack of gratitude and a sense of entitlement. To me, the more gratitude I have, the more effort I would want to give to get it right. My effort is one way I can thank her for her grace.

In our Christian lives, this concept can best be illustrated by picturing two kinds of rafts. The way that grace is intended to be viewed is as a life preserver. If we can picture ourselves trying desperately to swim but drowning in our sin, Jesus has thrown us a life preserver. All we have to do is grab onto it and we will be saved – we will not drown and die in our sins. The appropriate response to Jesus for extending that life preserver is gratitude and life lived to the best of our ability. The inappropriate response is to cease seeing His grace as a life preserver and begin to use it as lounge raft. You know, one of those inflatable rafts that you lay on in the pool while sipping cocktails and occasionally gliding our pinky toes in the water.

God never intended for His grace, purchased with the blood of His Son, to become a lounge raft. I am thankful that He used my professor to remind me that grace is a gift and gratitude is the appropriate response. I pray that He helps me to keep my heart soft so that I desire to swim well and give it my best and rely on that life preserver when my efforts fail and I begin to drown.

There is a 100% next to my name in my professor’s grade book. More importantly, my name is written in the Lamb’s Book of Life. Both because of grace. May I always respond well.

Why Am I Weird?

It's been over a week since my surgery and I am still at home recovering. A hidden blessing this surgery has brought is the ability to focus on my schoolwork full time and hopefully end the semester well. I have been inundated with schoolwork and I have no clue how I would have gotten all the work done if I were working as usual. For the past three days I have spent a minimum of 8 hours per day at my desk focused solely on Intermediate Accounting.

Today I received North Way's Year End Giving mailing and it reminded me that I have been meaning to go to the website www.nwimmeasurablymore.org and check out all of the things they mentioned at the family meetings. So I figured it would be a welcomed break from school work and I grabbed a snack and logged on.

The information on that website was thrilling. I had an excitement that I hadn't felt in so long. When I watched the video for the large space for North Way Oakland I had goosebumps and got misty-eyed. I don't even attend that campus! One would think I would get excited over the ministry in Homewood, and I did, but for some reason the Oakland space made my heart soar.

It didn't soar long before my crazy brain threw some self-centered thoughts in the mix. I thought to myself: God is doing so many wonderful things. Lives are being changed. People are being ministered to. His kingdom is advancing. AND I AM DOING ACCOUNTING?????? Since the start of the semester this past August, I have done nothing but work and accounting. Whose life is being changed by the numbers I crunch day in and day out? Sure, I like crunching numbers, and I am good at it (else I would not be doing it) but it has no eternal value. No one's life is made better by my accounting. No one begins a relationship with Jesus due to balance sheets and statements of comprehensive income.

In the middle of this downward spiral my phone hums and announces an email - and its Pastor's Jay blog. If I had a dollar for each time that blog has come at just the right moment......

So I began to encourage myself by reciting all the things that folks have said to me: you can touch the lives of the people you work with, God has you as a light in the darkness...." I even reminded myself that just yesterday I wrote letters to 7 children around the globe living in poverty. (I only sponsor 2 but I assist Compassion in writing letters to children who have sponsors that won't write to them). Reminding myself of these things helped to end the pity party I invited myself to, but I still wasn't okay and definitely wasn't ready to resume accounting homework.

I started to chat with God and I was not angry or upset or even questioning Him (though I was tempted to) but I did say that I didn't think His plan for my life made much sense (cause you know, I am the omniscient one). I told him that there are so many people who are completely comfortable in their suburban lifestyle corporate America jobs and many times He calls those people to leave that lifestyle behind and follow Him into full time ministry. But not me, I am the weirdo. I want the full time ministry and He calls me to corporate America??!!! Really? It's just weird.

Oh but I love Him and I love that He doesn't lose patience with me and He just talks me through these moments. He gently reminded me of something. He has prepared me for this time in my life. He has prepared me and I have practiced the art of having your body and mind be in one place while your heart is in another.

Most of you have heard my testimony. When I was 14 years old and accompanied a friend to something she called "youth group", I met Jesus and began a relationship with Him and with the people of Abundant Life Church who introduced me to Him. My parents, who were then devout Catholics, forbid me to attend Abundant Life Church because it was not a Catholic church. Those of you who think I am extremely emotional now - you may want to thank God you didn't know me at age 14! I yelled at my parents: "what is wrong with you? Do you know how many parents would kill to have a 14 year old that DESIRES to go to church and yet you are forbidding me???" So my brilliant idea was to simply sneak and go to church. But when I told my pastor's wife about this she said "oh, no - you have to do what your parents tell you to do - even if that means not coming to church." Her daughter chimed in with a phrase that I would hear a million times more - "if you do what is right, right will come back to you." I obeyed my parents and stayed away though it broke my heart. Nine months later, seemingly out of nowhere, the "bann" was lifted and I returned to that church and spent the my last three years of high school in the the church's school. My parents eventually left religion and found a relationship with Jesus (not due to anything I said or did).

I smiled when God brought this back into my mind and I realized He taught me that lesson in my youth to prepare me to practice it again today. Oh, I left my parents home when I was 24 but God is now the Father I obey. Each time I ask God if I can quit school He says no. For some reason, just as I was teenager banned from church, I am an adult banned from full time ministry. However, now that God has shown me that He graciously prepared me for this time in my life, I feel a renewed passion and energy to do what God has called me to do, even though why He called me to it makes no sense to me.

The more exciting part is wondering when and how He will create miracles. When my father decided to lift the church bann, it was not because of anything I said or did. I simply obeyed God and obeyed my parents and somehow God changed my parents' heart. And when my parents began their own relationship with Jesus, it was nothing I said or did. I did not "witness" or "evangelize" them. I didn't preach or show them Scriptures. In fact, I was living with a relative when out of the blue my mom stopped talking about their priest and started mentioning some other person called Pastor Larry. How and when that switch happened I still to this day do not know (I should probably ask).

Point is - all I did was obey God and HE (not me) made things happen.

So.... if you will excuse me, I have some accounting to do...... :)

When Excellence Becomes Obsession

I cannot believe it has been nearly a year since I wrote a blog. I was thinking it had been about 4-5 months, but January 7, 2014 was my last post and here it is November 30th. Well, this discovery is confirmation of tonight's blog topic - so I guess I was meant to write tonight.

If you know me, you know that I am in school pursuing my first bachelors degree. This isn't new news - I began this journey in January 2012. This past semester however, has been different from all the rest in that it has taken nearly 100% of my spare time. Since August, it seems that all I do is work and school work. Two of my good friends that I meet with only once a month have not seen me since the semester began. Sadly, my family has only seen me when medical emergencies arose.

Now, I do have a strict professor for Intermediate Accounting and her workload defies description. In all fairness though, I can't place all the blame on her. I am the stereotypical OCD person. I believe that if you decide to do something, do it with excellence or don't bother doing it. So when it comes to school, my obsessive compulsive brain says: "you either get an A, or you have failed." This current class has been so difficult, I carried an 88 for the majority of the semester. Though many folks have told me to be proud of my 88, an 88 is a B and I want a A. So I work harder, I study longer, I strive.

In addition to this, I am a new hire at my job. It's a dream job that I could not possibly love more than I do, but there is still a learning curve and a proving period.

So my life for the past four months has been: stay up past my bedtime doing schoolwork, wake up tired so snooze the alarms a few times, get out of bed with barely enough time to shower and run out the door, work, go to Carlow, study, repeat. I keep telling myself it is temporary - its only four months.
Now that I am nearing the end of the four months I am realizing the toll it has taken.

When I roll out of bed with just enough time to shower and run, I miss any quality time with the Lord. Before I know it, I've gone months on a spiritual fast-food diet and I wonder why I feel spiritually sick. I have told almost all my friends and family that I will see them when the semester is over, yet my life began to fill purposeless. I was feeling robotic - just going through the motions of the day.

So what exactly is the problem and what is the solution? The problem is I allowed excellence to become an obsession and drive out every other thing from my life. And see, I should know better. I do know better. Several years ago, Pastor Jay said in one of his sermons that there were only two things in life that mattered: your relationship with God and your relationships with other people. Why? Because those two things are the only things that are eternal. Every other thing we have or do cannot accompany us into eternity. So why in heaven's name do we spend so much time and energy on things of only temporal value?

So... I have a solution! I can quit school and focus on God and other people. Right? Wrong.
I believe God wants to me continue school. I believe He lead me to begin the journey and wants me to finish it. I also believe He wants me to work with excellence, but not with obsession. Ecclesiastes 7:18 says to avoid all extremes. So how do I maintain this difficult balance? First, by making communication with Him my number one priority. If I do that, He can help me with the other time management aspects. His Holy Spirit will guide me and I will know when to tell a friend that I can't see them this month or when to go and see them and trust that the work will get done.

I have got to make sure my time with Him is my first priority. Realistically, I may not be able to sit for 45 minutes each morning. But I also can't "just pray in the car" each day for four months.

The bottom line is - I just can't do this without Him. He has used these past four months to show me that. Today's Jesus Calling devotional said: "...I have taken you along a path that has highlighted your need for me: placing you in situations where your strengths were irrelevant and your weaknesses were glaringly evident. Through the aridity of those desert marches, I have drawn you closer to Myself. Needing Me is the key to knowing Me intimately"

This semester has definitely proved that I need the Lord - like a deer pants for water. Regaining that intimacy will bring excellence - in the things that matter most. And will most likely keep some excellence with the schoolwork, though that excellence might look like a B.

What I am most thankful for - is that He is obsessed with communicating with me. :)