Life can be hard. Lately its been a little harder than usual for me. I wont go in to all the reasons, but I have been feeling not at all like myself and feeling like I am simply existing. I get up, I go to work, I go home and rest up to prepare to work again. No matter what job you have, the daily grind can well, grind you. Spiritually I have felt lifeless. Knowing that my name is permanently written in the Lamb's Book of Life has been my spiritual life support - knowing my salvation is secure. However, I know this is just a season - a dry spell. And tonight, my heart got some much needed rain.
Since my life drastically changed a year ago, I have had to step away from some of my ministry activities. Though, I haven't stopped mentoring, I stopped going to LAMP meetings. About a month ago, I was asked to make an exception and attend tonight's quarterly meeting. They wanted me to be on a panel of "seasoned, experienced mentors". So I agreed. I was excited to go and finally see our church's East End campus in the city. I loved it. The two hours that followed were wonderful.
I got a little concerned at first. I was under the impression that the room would be filled with primarily "new" mentors who wanted to learn from those who have been mentoring for awhile. As people began to come in, I saw that was not the case. Most people there were just as seasoned as those on the panel, if not more so.
But when Pastor Bryan opened the meeting he said we were just going to share stories. So we did. I was in a room full of rock stars - full of people who line the pages of my unwritten book - Raquel's Book of Heros.
Just being with these folks brought me to life. So many of them have such wonderful testimonies - and if you didn't know them, you would never know the amazing things God has done through them.
I looked at Beth. Beth and I started mentoring around the same time and we went to a Fall picnic sponsored by Family Guidance. I was three months into my mentoring relationship and Rashawnda was only 12. At that time, Beth's mentee was a demon-possessed, out of control, horrible child. The way she acted around my mentee made me want to grab Rashawnda and run. She spoke so cruely to Beth - just rude and cocky beyond the normal teenage way. But Beth stuck with her. For six plus years Beth has stood by this girl and now she is a beautiful young lady. A junior in high school with dreams of getting into Penn State. She isn't perfect - she still has typical teenage issues. But the transformation is astounding - all because Beth kept showing up. Beth is quiet and humble and unless you are friends with her, you would never know the amazing service she has for the Lord.
Then I looked at Kelly. Kelly and her husband Greg were one of the first to jump on board with mentoring. Greg works full time. He has to - they have four children. But one of the things I love about Greg ... I have no idea what he does. Because his job doesnt define him - its just how he earns a living. Who is Greg? A Christ follower, a husband, a father, a mentor, an elder in the church - in that order. When Greg and Kelly's first mentee moved away, they immediately got another one. Then the first one moved back - so they mentor two boys. Greg works, Kelly has her hands full with four children - involved in sports and other kid activities. Yet they have never been "too busy" to mentor or too focused on their own to give to someone else.
Kristin. I have to be careful that I don't cross the line into idol worship here. LOL. Kristin and Chad are my heros. Chad is a school teacher/band director. Kristin gives private music lessons. My point is they both have jobs. They have three biological children who are too precious for words. Then they adopted a boy from Ethiopia. Through all of this, Kristin has remained a faithful mentor. Then Chad decided to mentor too. Wait a minute - they work, they have kids, they adopted a kid.. and yes, they both mentor. Chad once told me that he is blessed. Because he works in a school, he is done working between 3-3:30. Most men are done at 5. So he can use that time to mentor once a week.
And this ticker tape parade isnt over. Chad and Kristin had a nice house in the suburbs - in the community where Chad teaches. Feeling God's call, they sold their house and moved to the inner city.
Obviously, not everyone is called to live the life that they do. But these two are walking, living, breathing Gospels.
On the panel with me are Randy and Deanna. Deanna has been a school based mentor since the program began 7 years ago. When the boy she was mentoring in the school aged out of the school based program, her husband Randy signed up to be a one to one mentor so that the family would not lose touch with this boy. Randy spent many years as an executive in a company. He only recently retired from that position to become our church's executive finance pastor. Randy and Deanna have two biological children and two adopted children. They lead a small group and they lead multiple mission trips to Honduras each year. See they are real missionaries - because whether its in Honduras, or in Homewood, or in Wexford... they are missionaries each and every day everywhere they go. Living out the Gospel.
Looking across that room of mentors - I saw young twenty-somethings who still looked like teenagers and I saw some gray haired people who have been mentoring longer than I have been alive.
And I got to meet some people I havent met before. One lady has been a school based mentor for 6 years and she keeps losing kids because they move away. She shared many stories of difficulty and defeat, where many might have given up - but she keeps coming back and showing up because God has called her to do so.
I felt like I was in the presence of greatness tonight - and I was. Because God was there. And the reality is - its His greatness shining through the people in that room. All of us are sinners saved by grace. All of those people simply said yes when God asked them to obey Him. And because of their obedience and consistency - children are being loved.
For the record - I do have heros who are not LAMP mentors. I sometimes get accused of doting only on them. Not everyone is called to do that. I thought of Jack tonight and his amazing ministry. I thought of his wife and the difference she makes just by being who she is and obeying her specific call. My best friend and her husband are about to go to China - permanently - to work with children in an orphanage.
See tonight, I saw the church being the church. The church is the people - not the steeple. And while I was not in a church "service", I was surrounded by people who know why we are on this earth. And for a few hours, I forgot that my apartment feels like an oven. I forgot that I feel so unskilled and incapable of doing my job well. I forgot about my health issues. I just enjoyed the church. I have Psalm 84:10 on my license plate - "Better is one day in the house of the Lord, then a thousand days elsewhere".
Might I add to that - as my friend Gary did - that one day elsewhere feels like a thousand.
The dry desert of my spirit got some rain tonight. Don't know if it got enough to end the dry spell, but it was good refreshing rain - like a cold shower after running in the heat.
As I drove home thanking the Lord for tonight, He reminded me of a Scripture - one that I tend to forget. Psalm 27:13 - "surely I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living". Life is hard. But His goodness is always there. I pray I have eyes to see it more often - whether or not I am in a mentors meeting.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
The Problem with Positivity
Everyone who knows me, has heard my rant about the glass question. It is not half full, nor half empty, it is equally and simulataneously both. On most occassions, I can call this a difference of opinion with my optimistic and pessimistic friends. Typically, as long as the Bible does not call it "wrong" or "sin", I am happy to label it as a point of view. However, when these "outlooks" start having hurting implications to people, I have to do the right thing and blow the whistle.
(Please note: the term whistleblower is typically attributed to a work environment. Though I could be discussing a work situation here, let me clear - I am not. I am more concerned about this issue in the Kingdom of God).
I had lunch with one of my awesome friends this week. She is known for seeing the world as Black and White (and dressing to match her view). LOL. While we were at lunch she said the most awesome thing ever: "People who are rosey all the time, tend to sometimes live in a denial of reality." BINGO! After this comment, I quickly presented her with the Most in Touch with Reality Award. :)
Now, I am not advocating negativity. As soon as people hear me talk about this, they assume I am promoting constant gloom and complaining. Nope. Several years ago, when I was new to my church, I went to a picnic. I only knew two people there at the time. I stayed for a few hours. There was one individual who did nothing but complain about everything and everybody. She complained about things that happened 8 years ago!!! I got up and left. Couldn't take it anymore.
See both this woman, and those who walk around constantly seeing nothing but roses, are both guilty of living in denial. Now, if you want to live in denial - that is your perogrative and none of my business - until I see injustices occuring and people being hurt. That is when it becomes more than an outlook or point of view - it becomes a disease.
I am going to illustrate my point in two versions: my mothers and the Bible's. Those of you who know my mother know that she doesnt mince words. She doesnt believe in flowering things up - she says it like it is - shocks you in hopes it will sink in.
Her version:
You walk into the room and you see two things - a beautiful bouquet of flowers that are breathtaking and fragrant, and a pile of crap. Literally. So what do we do? Be thankful and grateful for the beautful flowers and dance around enjoying that the fragrance is lessening the smell of the crap? Or do we lament and complain because there is a pile of crap in the room? Both sides are ridiculous. Again, both sides in denial. The appropriate response: First, find out who to thank for the flowers, be grateful, express your gratitude, rejoice in them and enjoy them. At the same time... CLEAN UP THE CRAP!!!!! Ask questions, analyze the situation. Find out how it got there - not just to pass blame, but to understand the situation better and develop ways so that it wont happen again. Clean it, deodorize it, fix it.
This is where some Christians are going to pull out the Serenity Prayer. I believe in the serenity prayer, I just believe most Christians fall into the wrong side of it. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think most are too quick to see something wrong and just ask for serenity - then going skipping through the tulips (a change from roses) with Jesus and their serenity. The wisdom to know the difference can only be found by talking to God about it. When you talk to Him, you get His viewpoint. Is He okay with this? If He is, then its you (me) who needs to be changed and needs the courage to change. If He isn't okay with it - then we need wisdom on how to change it. Maybe one person can't change it, but many can. Maybe it can't be completely changed right now, but we can work toward change. But most people will opt for serenity because its easier and more comfortable AND... we don't ruffle any feathers with our serenity. Courage to change may offend people who are attached to protocol.
Perhaps, before we skip off with our serenity, we should remember another prayer - the Lord's Prayer. The Lord's Prayer was never meant to chanted in a ritualistic way or quoted like a poem. This prayer came about because the disciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray. This was known as the Model Prayer - not because you are supposed to say these exact words ritualistically. But this was a model - for what your heart should be and what your mind should be focused on while praying. I don't have time to go through the whole prayer here, but the part that applies is:
"YOUR WILL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN".
So if Jesus told us that that prayer is to be a priority, and that is our goal - for His will to be done on earth, then with each thing that occurs we must ask ourselves "is this how God wants it to be?" If it is, rejoice. If it isn't... pray, then act.
I told you that I would give you two examples - my mothers and the Bibles. Christians like the WWJD thing. Well, at least we like the t-shirts and bracelets. But WWJD? Read the Gospels. Pick one, any one. Or read all four. I have been reading them for almost 25 years and I cannot find one instances where Jesus practiced "optimism" or "pessimism". He dealt with each situation individually and gave it the appropriate balance of grace and truth.
Consider John 8:1-11. The story of the woman caught in adultery. The people were about to stone her for her sin - which the law stated that was to be the consequence. Jesus showed up. He addressed the people with stones in their hands and said "if any of you has no sin, then go ahead - cast the first stone." Of course no one could. Then he addressed the woman. He offered grace, forgave her sins, restored her dignity, and said "go and sin no more". He didn't just love her. He didn't say "because I love you and forgave you, your sin is okay". He definitely didn't say that she could go on and keep doing that because He was a loving God and would forgive her. Grace, mercy, restoration, truth.
Or take for example the death of Lazarus. Jesus had a great friendship with Lazarus and his sisters. He had eaten dinner at their homes on numerous occassions. When Jesus got word of Lazarus's death, He made His way to go and comfort Mary and Martha. He already knew that God would raise Lazarus from the dead. So, wouldn't He coming rejoicing? Wouldn't he come proclaiming "I'm here, its okay." Nope. Read John 11. When He saw Mary and Martha sad and crying... what did He do? The shortest verse in the Bible... John 11:35... "Jesus wept". He already knew there would be a positive outcome, but seeing those He loved saddened, He wept. Then - He raised Lazarus from the dead.
My personal favorite: Jesus in the temple. I recently had a conversation with a friend about Jesus being the Lion and the Lamb. (again - equally both, not either or) I told this person that most people see one or the other. God is either Hitler or Santa Claus, an authoritarian on a power kick or the grandfather in the Werthers Original commercial. There are many instances throughout the Gospels where you saw that lamb. Kind, caring, gentle, compassionate, merciful. And in the face of injustice, the Lion roared. In John chapter 2, Jesus entered the temple, the place of worship. He saw that people had gotten their priorities out of whack and were making money in the temple. Verse 15 says HE MADE A WHIP and drove people and animals out of the temple. He flipped over tables and yelled "get out"! Oh heavens, Jesus... where is your grace? Where is proper protocol? Don't you know that you attract more flies with honey? Some of those people in there were authority figures. The injustice received the Lion's roar. Why didn't He just look at injustice, say "it is what it is" and ask for serenity??
Now note that this is the only instance we see Him that enraged. He wasn't like that every day all day. But if His concern was "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven", then each instance
had to be viewed and acted upon appropriately through that lens.
So why have I given you a billion examples to prove a point? When we gravitate to positivity or negatively, it can have unintended damaging consequences. This is easier to point out with negativity. When we are negative, we can tear people down, make other things or people look bad, and stir up dissension and strife - like that lady at the picnic in 2007.
But I think we as Christians have swung to the opposite extreme - and the consequences can be brutal, though difficult to recognize if we arent paying attention - and typically we are not paying attention because we are just wrapped up in being positive.
Examples: The Beth Moore Bible study. I love it. It is wonderful. Been in it since I joined North Way - missed one session and felt like my arm was cut off. Overall, its a wonderful ministry that has brought many people closer to the Lord. However, I met a woman last year in a small group. She had signed up for several Beth Moore Bible studies. Each time she did, it hurt her. She mentioned it to the leaders, but they thought she was too sensitive or over-reacting. So she stopped coming. The woman had been married for several years but was the victim of domestic abuse. Divorced, lonely, trying to be around Godly people and dig into the Word and grow closer to God. She was constantly put into study groups with young married mothers. All they did was talk about their husband and kids.
This just made things harder for this woman. She suggested that they put single people together or at least put her with older folks whose primary focus wasnt PTA, but it fell on deaf ears and she fell away.
From a distance, folks who knew her would rejoice because she is a group with Christians and studying the Bible. We were so busy being happy and rejoicing about how wonderful this ministry is - we missed a hurting soul.
I am not suggesting we should not have Beth Moore Bible studies. My point is - just looking at the sunny side caused us to miss a reality - a reality that grieved the heart of God.
I can give many many more examples but this blog is too long already. I just worry that we have become so fixated on being happy and positive, that wrongs are not being made right, people are not getting their needs met, and His will is not being done on earth as it is in heaven. This positivity epidemic caused Casting Crowns to write a song, appropriately titled "Stained Glass Masquerade".
A few lines of the song:
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
The chorus:
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
My prayer: "Father, give us eyes to see. Not the positive, not the negative, but what you see. Give us the desire to see what you see even if its unpleasant. Then, when we see what you see, give us wisdom. If what we see is pleasing to you, let us rejoice and give thanks. If it's not, give us courage to pray 'Let your will be done on earth as it is in heaven' and then give us wisdom and courage to act to make that happen. In each situation, help us to know what Jesus would do, and then enable us, the Body of Christ, to go and do likewise.
(Please note: the term whistleblower is typically attributed to a work environment. Though I could be discussing a work situation here, let me clear - I am not. I am more concerned about this issue in the Kingdom of God).
I had lunch with one of my awesome friends this week. She is known for seeing the world as Black and White (and dressing to match her view). LOL. While we were at lunch she said the most awesome thing ever: "People who are rosey all the time, tend to sometimes live in a denial of reality." BINGO! After this comment, I quickly presented her with the Most in Touch with Reality Award. :)
Now, I am not advocating negativity. As soon as people hear me talk about this, they assume I am promoting constant gloom and complaining. Nope. Several years ago, when I was new to my church, I went to a picnic. I only knew two people there at the time. I stayed for a few hours. There was one individual who did nothing but complain about everything and everybody. She complained about things that happened 8 years ago!!! I got up and left. Couldn't take it anymore.
See both this woman, and those who walk around constantly seeing nothing but roses, are both guilty of living in denial. Now, if you want to live in denial - that is your perogrative and none of my business - until I see injustices occuring and people being hurt. That is when it becomes more than an outlook or point of view - it becomes a disease.
I am going to illustrate my point in two versions: my mothers and the Bible's. Those of you who know my mother know that she doesnt mince words. She doesnt believe in flowering things up - she says it like it is - shocks you in hopes it will sink in.
Her version:
You walk into the room and you see two things - a beautiful bouquet of flowers that are breathtaking and fragrant, and a pile of crap. Literally. So what do we do? Be thankful and grateful for the beautful flowers and dance around enjoying that the fragrance is lessening the smell of the crap? Or do we lament and complain because there is a pile of crap in the room? Both sides are ridiculous. Again, both sides in denial. The appropriate response: First, find out who to thank for the flowers, be grateful, express your gratitude, rejoice in them and enjoy them. At the same time... CLEAN UP THE CRAP!!!!! Ask questions, analyze the situation. Find out how it got there - not just to pass blame, but to understand the situation better and develop ways so that it wont happen again. Clean it, deodorize it, fix it.
This is where some Christians are going to pull out the Serenity Prayer. I believe in the serenity prayer, I just believe most Christians fall into the wrong side of it. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think most are too quick to see something wrong and just ask for serenity - then going skipping through the tulips (a change from roses) with Jesus and their serenity. The wisdom to know the difference can only be found by talking to God about it. When you talk to Him, you get His viewpoint. Is He okay with this? If He is, then its you (me) who needs to be changed and needs the courage to change. If He isn't okay with it - then we need wisdom on how to change it. Maybe one person can't change it, but many can. Maybe it can't be completely changed right now, but we can work toward change. But most people will opt for serenity because its easier and more comfortable AND... we don't ruffle any feathers with our serenity. Courage to change may offend people who are attached to protocol.
Perhaps, before we skip off with our serenity, we should remember another prayer - the Lord's Prayer. The Lord's Prayer was never meant to chanted in a ritualistic way or quoted like a poem. This prayer came about because the disciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray. This was known as the Model Prayer - not because you are supposed to say these exact words ritualistically. But this was a model - for what your heart should be and what your mind should be focused on while praying. I don't have time to go through the whole prayer here, but the part that applies is:
"YOUR WILL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN".
So if Jesus told us that that prayer is to be a priority, and that is our goal - for His will to be done on earth, then with each thing that occurs we must ask ourselves "is this how God wants it to be?" If it is, rejoice. If it isn't... pray, then act.
I told you that I would give you two examples - my mothers and the Bibles. Christians like the WWJD thing. Well, at least we like the t-shirts and bracelets. But WWJD? Read the Gospels. Pick one, any one. Or read all four. I have been reading them for almost 25 years and I cannot find one instances where Jesus practiced "optimism" or "pessimism". He dealt with each situation individually and gave it the appropriate balance of grace and truth.
Consider John 8:1-11. The story of the woman caught in adultery. The people were about to stone her for her sin - which the law stated that was to be the consequence. Jesus showed up. He addressed the people with stones in their hands and said "if any of you has no sin, then go ahead - cast the first stone." Of course no one could. Then he addressed the woman. He offered grace, forgave her sins, restored her dignity, and said "go and sin no more". He didn't just love her. He didn't say "because I love you and forgave you, your sin is okay". He definitely didn't say that she could go on and keep doing that because He was a loving God and would forgive her. Grace, mercy, restoration, truth.
Or take for example the death of Lazarus. Jesus had a great friendship with Lazarus and his sisters. He had eaten dinner at their homes on numerous occassions. When Jesus got word of Lazarus's death, He made His way to go and comfort Mary and Martha. He already knew that God would raise Lazarus from the dead. So, wouldn't He coming rejoicing? Wouldn't he come proclaiming "I'm here, its okay." Nope. Read John 11. When He saw Mary and Martha sad and crying... what did He do? The shortest verse in the Bible... John 11:35... "Jesus wept". He already knew there would be a positive outcome, but seeing those He loved saddened, He wept. Then - He raised Lazarus from the dead.
My personal favorite: Jesus in the temple. I recently had a conversation with a friend about Jesus being the Lion and the Lamb. (again - equally both, not either or) I told this person that most people see one or the other. God is either Hitler or Santa Claus, an authoritarian on a power kick or the grandfather in the Werthers Original commercial. There are many instances throughout the Gospels where you saw that lamb. Kind, caring, gentle, compassionate, merciful. And in the face of injustice, the Lion roared. In John chapter 2, Jesus entered the temple, the place of worship. He saw that people had gotten their priorities out of whack and were making money in the temple. Verse 15 says HE MADE A WHIP and drove people and animals out of the temple. He flipped over tables and yelled "get out"! Oh heavens, Jesus... where is your grace? Where is proper protocol? Don't you know that you attract more flies with honey? Some of those people in there were authority figures. The injustice received the Lion's roar. Why didn't He just look at injustice, say "it is what it is" and ask for serenity??
Now note that this is the only instance we see Him that enraged. He wasn't like that every day all day. But if His concern was "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven", then each instance
had to be viewed and acted upon appropriately through that lens.
So why have I given you a billion examples to prove a point? When we gravitate to positivity or negatively, it can have unintended damaging consequences. This is easier to point out with negativity. When we are negative, we can tear people down, make other things or people look bad, and stir up dissension and strife - like that lady at the picnic in 2007.
But I think we as Christians have swung to the opposite extreme - and the consequences can be brutal, though difficult to recognize if we arent paying attention - and typically we are not paying attention because we are just wrapped up in being positive.
Examples: The Beth Moore Bible study. I love it. It is wonderful. Been in it since I joined North Way - missed one session and felt like my arm was cut off. Overall, its a wonderful ministry that has brought many people closer to the Lord. However, I met a woman last year in a small group. She had signed up for several Beth Moore Bible studies. Each time she did, it hurt her. She mentioned it to the leaders, but they thought she was too sensitive or over-reacting. So she stopped coming. The woman had been married for several years but was the victim of domestic abuse. Divorced, lonely, trying to be around Godly people and dig into the Word and grow closer to God. She was constantly put into study groups with young married mothers. All they did was talk about their husband and kids.
This just made things harder for this woman. She suggested that they put single people together or at least put her with older folks whose primary focus wasnt PTA, but it fell on deaf ears and she fell away.
From a distance, folks who knew her would rejoice because she is a group with Christians and studying the Bible. We were so busy being happy and rejoicing about how wonderful this ministry is - we missed a hurting soul.
I am not suggesting we should not have Beth Moore Bible studies. My point is - just looking at the sunny side caused us to miss a reality - a reality that grieved the heart of God.
I can give many many more examples but this blog is too long already. I just worry that we have become so fixated on being happy and positive, that wrongs are not being made right, people are not getting their needs met, and His will is not being done on earth as it is in heaven. This positivity epidemic caused Casting Crowns to write a song, appropriately titled "Stained Glass Masquerade".
A few lines of the song:
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
The chorus:
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
My prayer: "Father, give us eyes to see. Not the positive, not the negative, but what you see. Give us the desire to see what you see even if its unpleasant. Then, when we see what you see, give us wisdom. If what we see is pleasing to you, let us rejoice and give thanks. If it's not, give us courage to pray 'Let your will be done on earth as it is in heaven' and then give us wisdom and courage to act to make that happen. In each situation, help us to know what Jesus would do, and then enable us, the Body of Christ, to go and do likewise.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
God Sends Love in Unexpected Ways
I haven't blogged in awhile. My life has been CRAZY. School is taking way more out of me than I expected. Work is one challenge after another - whether its the actual work or the corporate dynamics. I just recently moved and while its a good thing for me, I have become the black sheep (or white sheep) of my family.
So when I come home in the evenings, I am usually mentally fried and dont feel like blogging - I just want to veg.
But then there are moments when God speaks to me through circumstances and I have to process it. I have to type it out and share it and thus somehow seal it in my spirit.
Last night while laying in bed, I realized that it was a year ago that my life seemed to be falling apart. I had suffered 3 huges losses and I didnt know where my life was headed. A year later, I have been abundantly blessed. One loss was recovered, one replaced. Many lessons were learned this year and many continue to be taught.
During the past two weeks, I have been the recipient of grace, blessing, love and care like I cannot even describe. A dear friend of mine came over to help me pack. We went to breakfast and she spent all morning packing my endless mugs and dishes. Each time I get to hang out with her is like God giving me a gift - a gift that I never thought I would have or deserve. I see Jesus so clearly in her and feel His love for me through her.
Last week, my best friend and her husband and step-son helped me move. Again, you would not think that's a big story. But it is. See, I had planned to pack myself and then pay for movers. I hired and scheduled them. But my friends knew I would be paying by the hour. They offered to help me get little things out of the way so the movers only dealt with big furniture. I figured they would give me one evening of help. Well they gave me a week. Every week they worked their butts off for me - cleaning, moving, maintenance work. They saved me a ton of money and my sanity. And to boot - they purchased a beautiful new faucet and installed it as a suprise housewarming gift. On the day the movers came, they could not get my couch in the apartment. My friends ended up roping it and hoisting it from the ground up onto my second floor balcony.
They did all that for me - without asking for anything in return.
My boss - my goodness - she is like Miracle Gro on the seeds on gratitude. It seems like for the past 3 months I have had one personal issue after another that has caused me to get to work late, have to leave early, spend time on the phone during work... Most bosses would have said enough is enough. She says do what you need to do. Now I still find a way to get the work done. But that grace and that trust is a gift - one I never want to take for granted.
Yet, even with all these blessings I still struggle. My life is so different now from the way its been. My focus is learning a new industry and going to school. I have temporarily given up the Lamp Leadership Team, the Beth Moore Womens Bible study, a small group. My mentoring relationship is coming to a close (she is 18) and I want to mentor another young girl but dont seem to have the time or energy. I miss people. I miss people so much. I miss my fellow Lamp Leaders, I miss the Beth Moore ladies. I miss my old small group. I want to sit in a living room with Amylyn and Jeff and David and LeeAnn and Steve and Phyllis. I remember once such small group when Steve prayed as we were gathered and he said "these are the true riches of life". They are. And I miss them. And I am scared. I am fearful of succeeding at things that dont matter. Fearful of one day being on my death bed and regretting what I did with the time God gave to me.
All these thoughts, feelings, confusions, conflicts - they wear me down. So much good. So much blessing. So much grace. Still confused. Still fearful.
I had a bad evening tonight. I tried to go to sleep and all these thoughts came rushing in. I felt like I didnt have the right to be upset with all the good that I have received lately.
At 10:30, I went to shut down the computer and I saw an email from a friend that I havent heard from in a long time. This friend was my first mentor (unofficially). I was 10 and my life was in turmoil from family situations. I had one woman in my life who just showered me with attention. She called me Sunshine (prophetically speaking because I was a miserable child). She gave me so much attention and unconditional support. She encouraged me and boosted my self esteem. She believed in me and had confidence in me when it seemed no one else did. She was my fifth grade teacher. We have stayed in touch all these years. Hearing from her tonight after a bad evening was like a healing balm. And of course, another lesson from the Lord.
His Word tells us that we will have trouble in this life. We have our highs and we have our lows. We have our blessings and our struggles. Through it all God is our only constant. Everything else keeps changing. People, relationships, circumstances, life focus... all changing. He never changes. And I think through the ups and downs, the highs and lows, He wants to love us. But we have to be open and allow Him to love us HIS way. So many times I want to dictate how He should love me. I look for His love to come packaged a certain way. But God will not be put in a box. Tonight, He wanted to tell me He loved me and cares for me. It didnt come in a nice peaceful dinner with a friend like I thought it would. But it came in an email from my fifth grade teacher who remains my friend 29 years later.
I can see Him smile and sense that Fatherly chuckle. Its like He takes my face in His hands and says Raquel - I love you. Stop trying so hard. Stop striving. Stop trying to figure your life out. Stop trying to cling to blessings and cling to Me instead. The blessings come and go - as do the troubles. You will lose your way and find it again. But rest. Rest in Me. Rest in My Love. I will always love you - in unexpected ways.
I have rambled. But typing out this mental storm helped me to hear God clearly - and now I think I can go to bed and truly rest. My highs are still my highs, my lows still my lows. My confusion and fear still there. But when God speaks to me and showers me with His love - all that other stuff grows small.
So when I come home in the evenings, I am usually mentally fried and dont feel like blogging - I just want to veg.
But then there are moments when God speaks to me through circumstances and I have to process it. I have to type it out and share it and thus somehow seal it in my spirit.
Last night while laying in bed, I realized that it was a year ago that my life seemed to be falling apart. I had suffered 3 huges losses and I didnt know where my life was headed. A year later, I have been abundantly blessed. One loss was recovered, one replaced. Many lessons were learned this year and many continue to be taught.
During the past two weeks, I have been the recipient of grace, blessing, love and care like I cannot even describe. A dear friend of mine came over to help me pack. We went to breakfast and she spent all morning packing my endless mugs and dishes. Each time I get to hang out with her is like God giving me a gift - a gift that I never thought I would have or deserve. I see Jesus so clearly in her and feel His love for me through her.
Last week, my best friend and her husband and step-son helped me move. Again, you would not think that's a big story. But it is. See, I had planned to pack myself and then pay for movers. I hired and scheduled them. But my friends knew I would be paying by the hour. They offered to help me get little things out of the way so the movers only dealt with big furniture. I figured they would give me one evening of help. Well they gave me a week. Every week they worked their butts off for me - cleaning, moving, maintenance work. They saved me a ton of money and my sanity. And to boot - they purchased a beautiful new faucet and installed it as a suprise housewarming gift. On the day the movers came, they could not get my couch in the apartment. My friends ended up roping it and hoisting it from the ground up onto my second floor balcony.
They did all that for me - without asking for anything in return.
My boss - my goodness - she is like Miracle Gro on the seeds on gratitude. It seems like for the past 3 months I have had one personal issue after another that has caused me to get to work late, have to leave early, spend time on the phone during work... Most bosses would have said enough is enough. She says do what you need to do. Now I still find a way to get the work done. But that grace and that trust is a gift - one I never want to take for granted.
Yet, even with all these blessings I still struggle. My life is so different now from the way its been. My focus is learning a new industry and going to school. I have temporarily given up the Lamp Leadership Team, the Beth Moore Womens Bible study, a small group. My mentoring relationship is coming to a close (she is 18) and I want to mentor another young girl but dont seem to have the time or energy. I miss people. I miss people so much. I miss my fellow Lamp Leaders, I miss the Beth Moore ladies. I miss my old small group. I want to sit in a living room with Amylyn and Jeff and David and LeeAnn and Steve and Phyllis. I remember once such small group when Steve prayed as we were gathered and he said "these are the true riches of life". They are. And I miss them. And I am scared. I am fearful of succeeding at things that dont matter. Fearful of one day being on my death bed and regretting what I did with the time God gave to me.
All these thoughts, feelings, confusions, conflicts - they wear me down. So much good. So much blessing. So much grace. Still confused. Still fearful.
I had a bad evening tonight. I tried to go to sleep and all these thoughts came rushing in. I felt like I didnt have the right to be upset with all the good that I have received lately.
At 10:30, I went to shut down the computer and I saw an email from a friend that I havent heard from in a long time. This friend was my first mentor (unofficially). I was 10 and my life was in turmoil from family situations. I had one woman in my life who just showered me with attention. She called me Sunshine (prophetically speaking because I was a miserable child). She gave me so much attention and unconditional support. She encouraged me and boosted my self esteem. She believed in me and had confidence in me when it seemed no one else did. She was my fifth grade teacher. We have stayed in touch all these years. Hearing from her tonight after a bad evening was like a healing balm. And of course, another lesson from the Lord.
His Word tells us that we will have trouble in this life. We have our highs and we have our lows. We have our blessings and our struggles. Through it all God is our only constant. Everything else keeps changing. People, relationships, circumstances, life focus... all changing. He never changes. And I think through the ups and downs, the highs and lows, He wants to love us. But we have to be open and allow Him to love us HIS way. So many times I want to dictate how He should love me. I look for His love to come packaged a certain way. But God will not be put in a box. Tonight, He wanted to tell me He loved me and cares for me. It didnt come in a nice peaceful dinner with a friend like I thought it would. But it came in an email from my fifth grade teacher who remains my friend 29 years later.
I can see Him smile and sense that Fatherly chuckle. Its like He takes my face in His hands and says Raquel - I love you. Stop trying so hard. Stop striving. Stop trying to figure your life out. Stop trying to cling to blessings and cling to Me instead. The blessings come and go - as do the troubles. You will lose your way and find it again. But rest. Rest in Me. Rest in My Love. I will always love you - in unexpected ways.
I have rambled. But typing out this mental storm helped me to hear God clearly - and now I think I can go to bed and truly rest. My highs are still my highs, my lows still my lows. My confusion and fear still there. But when God speaks to me and showers me with His love - all that other stuff grows small.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Good Friday 2013
For obvious reasons, this day is so near and dear to my heart. Without this day and Resurrection Sunday I would be doomed for all eternity and no have good purpose for my earthly life. But today is near and dear to me for reasons not so obvious. You see, I have been set free. Yes - I have been set free from my sin, free from death and eternal hell. I have been freed to walk this life in relationship with the One who purchased my freedom with His own precious blood (here come the tears, that didn't take long). But I have also been set free - from that awful thing known as religion.
Good Friday has been a special day since since my childhood. But as I go through this day and I think back to those days, my gratitude is doubled. When I was child, working on Good Friday - whether at a job or just regular housework, was considered a sin. You were offending Jesus if you washed a dish or swept the floor. You were supposed to attend church and spend the rest of the day somber, if not mourning, for the pain that He went through. I remember my great-grandmother and great aunts spending the day wailing - "Jesus died." Even as a child I remember being confused. I knew He died, but I also knew He rose again - and it didnt seem logical that He "died again" every year. One year when I was 12, I was talking to one of my friends. She was a born again, spirit filled believer, but I did not know or understand that at the time. I told her she was supposed to mourn on Good Friday. She was puzzled. She looked at me and said: "why mourn? You were given a gift". Two years later, that same girl would take me to her youth group on a Wednesday night and my destiny would forever change.
I am not working today. And I am happy and blessed to say that I have never worked on Good Friday since 1988. But not because I believe its a sin. It is not a sin to work today. I don't believe anyone who does work is offending Jesus. I have only worked in one office that is closed on Good Friday. My current company as well as the past three are open and functioning today - without me. I take Good Friday off for the same reason that married couples go out on their anniversary. I break from the ordinary to remember and celebrate. Jesus isnt dying again today. He is not on a cross today. He is seated at the right hand of God the Father and is reigning King of kings and Lord of lords.
Though I dont work today - I did do housework. I don't think Jesus minds. But after doing housework and before heading to church to begin my volunteer duties for tonight, I did something I have done for the past 24 years. I made a date with my Savior. Just me and Him. Quietly reflecting on what He did for me.
The funny thing is - I think I am more aware of my sin and my innate sinful nature now than I ever have been before - even when I first accepted Jesus as my Savior. The Bible says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It also says there is none righteous - no, not one. It clearly tells us when compared to the Holyness of God - any righteousness we can come up with on our own is like filthy rags. Do you want me to break down the original Hebrew? I can... ;
See I have no power to live sin free. The Bible says we are sinful from our mothers womb. Sinful from conception. I can't change that. The Bible also says the wages (penalty) for sin is death.
Jesus - who knew no sin - took my sin. That crown of thorns peirced His head. The nails tore into His hands and feet. That precious, sinless blood - now tainted with my sin. Why? Because He chose to. He loved me and He wanted a relationship with me, both here on earth and forever in heaven - and the cross was the only way He could have that relationship.
And now with a relationship, my view and approach to sin drastically changes. In religion, I am TRYING not to sin to gain good standing and approval with God. Impossible. Now, I try to live according to His Word, not to gain His approval - because I already have it. Not to "be good enough for heaven" - my non-refundable ticket into heaven was purchased by His blood. Religion tells us that when we approach those pearly gates, we will have to review our report card with the gatekeeper. NOPE! There is a book in heaven. It's called The Lamb's Book of Life. My name is in it. I get in.
Does that mean I can live whatever way I want to? Jesus loves me so I can do what I want. God forbid! But the difference is in the why - why do I chose how I live. Because I love Him. Just like in a marriage or even close friendship - you do things that you know will make the other smile and you try not to do things that the other hates. Not because you are trying to get a relationship - but because you have one.
I've cried already today. And if history repeats itself I will cry in church tonight. But it's not the same crying that my relatives did. I cry when I remember what Jesus did. But I cry a cry of gratitude and freedom. Gratitude because as sinful and nasty and selfish as I am - Jesus still chose the nails for me. He still loved me enough to endure the cross. My mind cannot fathom a love that like. I accept it by faith, though I don't understand it.
But tears or no, I celebrate today. The anniversary of Jesus giving me a gift. He purchased my salvation, He took my sin as His own. He invited me into relationship with Him - and thus - freed me from the shackles of man-made religion. You will not see a crucifix near me - because Jesus isnt on the cross anymore. But you will see a cross around my neck - and the image seared into my heart. The cross is my Statue of Liberty. And today - is a Good Friday.
Good Friday has been a special day since since my childhood. But as I go through this day and I think back to those days, my gratitude is doubled. When I was child, working on Good Friday - whether at a job or just regular housework, was considered a sin. You were offending Jesus if you washed a dish or swept the floor. You were supposed to attend church and spend the rest of the day somber, if not mourning, for the pain that He went through. I remember my great-grandmother and great aunts spending the day wailing - "Jesus died." Even as a child I remember being confused. I knew He died, but I also knew He rose again - and it didnt seem logical that He "died again" every year. One year when I was 12, I was talking to one of my friends. She was a born again, spirit filled believer, but I did not know or understand that at the time. I told her she was supposed to mourn on Good Friday. She was puzzled. She looked at me and said: "why mourn? You were given a gift". Two years later, that same girl would take me to her youth group on a Wednesday night and my destiny would forever change.
I am not working today. And I am happy and blessed to say that I have never worked on Good Friday since 1988. But not because I believe its a sin. It is not a sin to work today. I don't believe anyone who does work is offending Jesus. I have only worked in one office that is closed on Good Friday. My current company as well as the past three are open and functioning today - without me. I take Good Friday off for the same reason that married couples go out on their anniversary. I break from the ordinary to remember and celebrate. Jesus isnt dying again today. He is not on a cross today. He is seated at the right hand of God the Father and is reigning King of kings and Lord of lords.
Though I dont work today - I did do housework. I don't think Jesus minds. But after doing housework and before heading to church to begin my volunteer duties for tonight, I did something I have done for the past 24 years. I made a date with my Savior. Just me and Him. Quietly reflecting on what He did for me.
The funny thing is - I think I am more aware of my sin and my innate sinful nature now than I ever have been before - even when I first accepted Jesus as my Savior. The Bible says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It also says there is none righteous - no, not one. It clearly tells us when compared to the Holyness of God - any righteousness we can come up with on our own is like filthy rags. Do you want me to break down the original Hebrew? I can... ;
See I have no power to live sin free. The Bible says we are sinful from our mothers womb. Sinful from conception. I can't change that. The Bible also says the wages (penalty) for sin is death.
Jesus - who knew no sin - took my sin. That crown of thorns peirced His head. The nails tore into His hands and feet. That precious, sinless blood - now tainted with my sin. Why? Because He chose to. He loved me and He wanted a relationship with me, both here on earth and forever in heaven - and the cross was the only way He could have that relationship.
And now with a relationship, my view and approach to sin drastically changes. In religion, I am TRYING not to sin to gain good standing and approval with God. Impossible. Now, I try to live according to His Word, not to gain His approval - because I already have it. Not to "be good enough for heaven" - my non-refundable ticket into heaven was purchased by His blood. Religion tells us that when we approach those pearly gates, we will have to review our report card with the gatekeeper. NOPE! There is a book in heaven. It's called The Lamb's Book of Life. My name is in it. I get in.
Does that mean I can live whatever way I want to? Jesus loves me so I can do what I want. God forbid! But the difference is in the why - why do I chose how I live. Because I love Him. Just like in a marriage or even close friendship - you do things that you know will make the other smile and you try not to do things that the other hates. Not because you are trying to get a relationship - but because you have one.
I've cried already today. And if history repeats itself I will cry in church tonight. But it's not the same crying that my relatives did. I cry when I remember what Jesus did. But I cry a cry of gratitude and freedom. Gratitude because as sinful and nasty and selfish as I am - Jesus still chose the nails for me. He still loved me enough to endure the cross. My mind cannot fathom a love that like. I accept it by faith, though I don't understand it.
But tears or no, I celebrate today. The anniversary of Jesus giving me a gift. He purchased my salvation, He took my sin as His own. He invited me into relationship with Him - and thus - freed me from the shackles of man-made religion. You will not see a crucifix near me - because Jesus isnt on the cross anymore. But you will see a cross around my neck - and the image seared into my heart. The cross is my Statue of Liberty. And today - is a Good Friday.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Momma Told Me There'd Be Days Like This
Oh what a day. Looking back on this day, I just have to laugh. What else can one do? It was not a completely "bad" day. Several wonderful moments occurred. Those moments are what the author Barbara Johnson would call "splashes of joy in the cesspools of life". I am choosing to remember those moments of today.
All of this week I have been overwhelmed. I am behind at work, behind in my personal life, and several unforeseen events have come up. Not a good trio. I'm behind at work because February was a short month and I didnt have the usual time to prepare for month end reporting. Additionally, several tasks had issues and are taking twice as long to do than normal.
Personally.. well lets see. Last Saturday I had my Biology class and I did horribly on the mid-term exam. My homework that is due March 16th is to read 4 chapters and answer 5 essay questions. Additionally, I have to memorize the skeletal system. We have a practical exam on the 16th where we will have to identify the bones - but they will be scattered around the lab - not formed in the skeletal frame. Here's the thing - I have not touched my Biology work since I left class last Saturday.
Also, I sponsor children with Compassion International. I sponsor two - but I write to four of them because I volunteer to write children whose sponsors do not write to them. I have an Outlook reminder set up to write them once a month. My reminder went off on February 20th - I have yet to write them. Is it a big deal? Not really. But see the children in these Compassion programs have "mail day" on a scheduled cycle. The Compassion workers sit the children down and pass out letters. So you can imagine, some kids are waiting to see if there name will be called because they got a letter. Some kids get sad when there is no letter for them and their friends got one. When I found this out, I vowed to write once a month so that my sponsored children never go through a mail day without getting a letter. This is the first time in a long time that I am two weeks behind.
As many of you know, I am in the midst of overcoming health issues. I recently found out that one of the causes of a big health concern was the medication I was taking for my diabetes. I am off the meds, but I need to get serious about conquering diabetes with diet and exercise. So I joined Curves. Part of the their program is meal planning. They design a meal plan, one week at a time, around my medical, nutritional, and time needs. Here's the thing - in order to stick to it, one would actually have to go grocery shopping. Haven't done that.
My friend's daughter had a birthday on February 28th. I have been planning to send her something for a month. Her card sits on my desk tonight.
Two weeks ago I spent time with my mentee. I am supposed to send a report to my mentoring supervisor each time I see my mentee - yeah, not done.
One of the few volunteer duties I still have at church is being a Community Leader - and overseer of 5 small groups. Havent done a thing with that.
Then there are the surprises...
On Monday, my sister called and said there was a water main break in the laundry room in my building - the laundry room that is right next to my apartment. The maintenace staff was concerned that the water would leak into my living room. They came in and move my sofa and took a painting off my wall. This meant I had to work from home for two days while crews went in and out. Tuesday we had no water for 7 hours. Fun
Then this week I noticed my car is making a funny noise. I tend to get paranoid about these things so I dismissed it at first - until other people started pointing it out. The noise is a loud rattling noise and its coming from the back of the car. Its only when I hit the brake or when I am idle. If my foot is on the gas pedal - no noise. So I am thinking "what is this going to cost to diagnose and repair?"
Now for the splash of joy.... I went to lunch today with my Susan. I love my Susan - she has a way of making me feel good about myself. We went to First Watch and had a delicious and nutritious lunch. She had just returned from a trip to Hawaii and bought me a beautiful Hawaii mug - from Starbucks! It travelled from Hawaii with her. I loved it. So I am sitting with her forgetting all the stress of life when my phone rings. Its my Mom. She usually doesnt call during the day unless there is a problem, so I answered. She may be getting hospitalized soon. She is bleeding internally and they cannot find the source. Thing is - yesterday she was in my home. (I actually paid her to run to the bank for me - the bank that is a block away - because I needed to deposit a check and I couldnt leave my work computer more than I already had.) She never told me she wasnt feeling well or that she was having a problem.
Driving back to work my car was rattling so loud I was hoping it would not break down. Did I mention this car is only 3 years old?
I got back to work and it was non-stop. Didnt have time to get a drink or use the restroom. I don't mind being busy when I am actually accomplishing something. But it didnt seem that I was. I stayed till 5:45 and I just needed a break. My brain was fried. I will be logging on again in a few moments - this blog is a good venting tool.
When I came home I had two cards waiting for me in the mail. (more splashes of joy). So then I sat down to eat dinner - cereal - and reflex on this insane day and week.
Well, please don't think I wrote a blog just to complain. I wish you could see my tone and body language as I am typing this. Because I am laughing. Oh, I wasnt laughing earlier. About 4pm, I just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and sob. But I am laughing now. All these things happening at once - what are the odds - and I just have to laugh. None of them are permanent. Except for my mother's health none of them are a huge deal. Its just stress. Life stress.
And this blog is about life lessons. Of course there are lessons here for me. First, my church is doing a series on discipline and I am reading a book on discipline - but I am the most undisciplined fool right now. I keep sleeping past the alarm and waking up and rushing out the door - missing my quality time with the Lord. And when I miss my quality time with the Lord, I forget that He walks with me through each and every part of my day. If I were more cognizant of His presence with me, I would consult Him on every issue that pops up - work or personal. I would realize that He and I can tackle anything together. I could ask Him how He wants me to handle the issue at hand and how He wants me to priorize everything that is going on. I would be able to respond rather than react to people and situations. (oh if I had a dollar for each time Kathy had to give me the respond vs. react lesson, I would not need to work). But seriously, if I was disciplined enough to walk with Him through each moment and not just keep Him in my back pocket like a good luck charm, I would be much less overwhelmed. Stress would still exist. Trouble would still come. But I would have peace knowing that I am hand in hand with my Daddy.
The good news - I get to try again tomorrow. The Bible says His mercies are new every morning. I get a clean slate, another chance. When I learn to not let go of Him, to walk with Him through each moment - my joy will be so much more than the splashes from my wonderful friends. It will be the joy that is the fruit of the Holy Spirit - a deep constant joy despite the circumstances.
For today - I will just reflex on who He is. And remember that with all the changing craziness of life, He doesnt change. He will remain after this day is gone and things of earth have past. I think that is what it means to say He is my Rock.
Thanks for listening folks. :)
All of this week I have been overwhelmed. I am behind at work, behind in my personal life, and several unforeseen events have come up. Not a good trio. I'm behind at work because February was a short month and I didnt have the usual time to prepare for month end reporting. Additionally, several tasks had issues and are taking twice as long to do than normal.
Personally.. well lets see. Last Saturday I had my Biology class and I did horribly on the mid-term exam. My homework that is due March 16th is to read 4 chapters and answer 5 essay questions. Additionally, I have to memorize the skeletal system. We have a practical exam on the 16th where we will have to identify the bones - but they will be scattered around the lab - not formed in the skeletal frame. Here's the thing - I have not touched my Biology work since I left class last Saturday.
Also, I sponsor children with Compassion International. I sponsor two - but I write to four of them because I volunteer to write children whose sponsors do not write to them. I have an Outlook reminder set up to write them once a month. My reminder went off on February 20th - I have yet to write them. Is it a big deal? Not really. But see the children in these Compassion programs have "mail day" on a scheduled cycle. The Compassion workers sit the children down and pass out letters. So you can imagine, some kids are waiting to see if there name will be called because they got a letter. Some kids get sad when there is no letter for them and their friends got one. When I found this out, I vowed to write once a month so that my sponsored children never go through a mail day without getting a letter. This is the first time in a long time that I am two weeks behind.
As many of you know, I am in the midst of overcoming health issues. I recently found out that one of the causes of a big health concern was the medication I was taking for my diabetes. I am off the meds, but I need to get serious about conquering diabetes with diet and exercise. So I joined Curves. Part of the their program is meal planning. They design a meal plan, one week at a time, around my medical, nutritional, and time needs. Here's the thing - in order to stick to it, one would actually have to go grocery shopping. Haven't done that.
My friend's daughter had a birthday on February 28th. I have been planning to send her something for a month. Her card sits on my desk tonight.
Two weeks ago I spent time with my mentee. I am supposed to send a report to my mentoring supervisor each time I see my mentee - yeah, not done.
One of the few volunteer duties I still have at church is being a Community Leader - and overseer of 5 small groups. Havent done a thing with that.
Then there are the surprises...
On Monday, my sister called and said there was a water main break in the laundry room in my building - the laundry room that is right next to my apartment. The maintenace staff was concerned that the water would leak into my living room. They came in and move my sofa and took a painting off my wall. This meant I had to work from home for two days while crews went in and out. Tuesday we had no water for 7 hours. Fun
Then this week I noticed my car is making a funny noise. I tend to get paranoid about these things so I dismissed it at first - until other people started pointing it out. The noise is a loud rattling noise and its coming from the back of the car. Its only when I hit the brake or when I am idle. If my foot is on the gas pedal - no noise. So I am thinking "what is this going to cost to diagnose and repair?"
Now for the splash of joy.... I went to lunch today with my Susan. I love my Susan - she has a way of making me feel good about myself. We went to First Watch and had a delicious and nutritious lunch. She had just returned from a trip to Hawaii and bought me a beautiful Hawaii mug - from Starbucks! It travelled from Hawaii with her. I loved it. So I am sitting with her forgetting all the stress of life when my phone rings. Its my Mom. She usually doesnt call during the day unless there is a problem, so I answered. She may be getting hospitalized soon. She is bleeding internally and they cannot find the source. Thing is - yesterday she was in my home. (I actually paid her to run to the bank for me - the bank that is a block away - because I needed to deposit a check and I couldnt leave my work computer more than I already had.) She never told me she wasnt feeling well or that she was having a problem.
Driving back to work my car was rattling so loud I was hoping it would not break down. Did I mention this car is only 3 years old?
I got back to work and it was non-stop. Didnt have time to get a drink or use the restroom. I don't mind being busy when I am actually accomplishing something. But it didnt seem that I was. I stayed till 5:45 and I just needed a break. My brain was fried. I will be logging on again in a few moments - this blog is a good venting tool.
When I came home I had two cards waiting for me in the mail. (more splashes of joy). So then I sat down to eat dinner - cereal - and reflex on this insane day and week.
Well, please don't think I wrote a blog just to complain. I wish you could see my tone and body language as I am typing this. Because I am laughing. Oh, I wasnt laughing earlier. About 4pm, I just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and sob. But I am laughing now. All these things happening at once - what are the odds - and I just have to laugh. None of them are permanent. Except for my mother's health none of them are a huge deal. Its just stress. Life stress.
And this blog is about life lessons. Of course there are lessons here for me. First, my church is doing a series on discipline and I am reading a book on discipline - but I am the most undisciplined fool right now. I keep sleeping past the alarm and waking up and rushing out the door - missing my quality time with the Lord. And when I miss my quality time with the Lord, I forget that He walks with me through each and every part of my day. If I were more cognizant of His presence with me, I would consult Him on every issue that pops up - work or personal. I would realize that He and I can tackle anything together. I could ask Him how He wants me to handle the issue at hand and how He wants me to priorize everything that is going on. I would be able to respond rather than react to people and situations. (oh if I had a dollar for each time Kathy had to give me the respond vs. react lesson, I would not need to work). But seriously, if I was disciplined enough to walk with Him through each moment and not just keep Him in my back pocket like a good luck charm, I would be much less overwhelmed. Stress would still exist. Trouble would still come. But I would have peace knowing that I am hand in hand with my Daddy.
The good news - I get to try again tomorrow. The Bible says His mercies are new every morning. I get a clean slate, another chance. When I learn to not let go of Him, to walk with Him through each moment - my joy will be so much more than the splashes from my wonderful friends. It will be the joy that is the fruit of the Holy Spirit - a deep constant joy despite the circumstances.
For today - I will just reflex on who He is. And remember that with all the changing craziness of life, He doesnt change. He will remain after this day is gone and things of earth have past. I think that is what it means to say He is my Rock.
Thanks for listening folks. :)
Saturday, February 23, 2013
There Will Be a Day
My heart is heavy today. I am thinking about two of my friends. These people have already endured more grief and pain than any human should ever have to bear, and now life finds them in yet another difficult situation.
Yet even with a sad and heavy heart, my face shows a little smile when I think about the journey I have had with Jesus. I think about the reactions I would have had earlier in my Christian walk and I think about the life lessons He has taught me that now cause me to respond differently.
See I would normally have one of two reactions: I would be angry with God or I would question Him. My prayer might have been something like "Lord, are you nuts?" or "why can't you spread the sorrow around more evenly - some folks seem to get more than others".
I have two funny stories that have helped me to not react like this. The first happened approximately 8 years ago. I had brought my young cousins to church with me. The boy was around 9 and his twin sisters were 3 or 4. After church we were all walking to my car when one of twins decided she wanted to run away - out towards the middle of a busy street! I screamed for her and tried to run but with 7 knee surgeries I don't run very well. Thankfully, her brother ran after her and tackled her to the ground inches short of a car trying to avoid hitting her. Well, let's just say I took that girl and applied the Board of Education to the Seat of Learning. (I bet you are waiting for the funny part...) The funny part was after I had gotten the disciplined one into her car seat, her twin sister came up to me and she was so angry with me. She had one hand on her hip and was point a finger at me yelling "you made Bonnie cry". I had to snicker. This girl stood right above my knees - and was telling me off. She was so mad and she was telling me all about it. It was all I could do to crack up at the absurdity of it - until I heard that still, small voice saying "looks silly, huh?" So.... that's what I look like when I yell at God. Thankfully, He sees me the same way I saw my 3 year old cousin. I wasn't angry with her - in fact I admired her defense of her sister. I understood her heart, but knew she was too young to understand. I think God understands our hearts, and knows we are too human to understand.
So I typically don't get angry with God anymore. The questioning God part can still be difficult sometimes. I don't mean to question Him in a sassy sort of way. I just long to understand. I wish I knew His logic, His thinking, His reasoning.... oh I better be careful. Someone else wanted to be like God and that desire caused His permanent demise. However, I do think its natural for us to try to make sense of things. We want to understand why things happen. We want life to be logical and we want reasons and answers for things. Unfortunately, many times there are no answers. We waste energy when we try to make things add up, they just don't.
One day, I was talking with another friend who had been through what I believe is the worse pain a person can go through. She was trying to find answers, to bring the logic to the situation. While we were talking, we were walking into a grocery store and I noticed an ant on the ground. I made the analogy of the ant trying to make sense out of what we were doing. What if the ant tried to determine why we brought ice cream instead of candy bars. We kinda got silly with it, but I said told her to be ready, because when we were done shopping, the ant was going to ask us why we shopped the way we did. Silly, right? Exactly. Humans trying to figure God out is like an ant asking us why we shopped the way we did. Absurd.
But again, God's tender heart doesnt mind our questions. He allows us to come to Him with all our messed up thoughts, questions, emotions. We can come as we are and lay our burdens before Him and we will find that He lovingly takes them from us. No, He doesn't change our circumstances typically. God is not a genie in a lamp. But He is a loving Father and His heart breaks when ours does.
So now, on days like today when I am sad, when my thoughts are with my friends and I hate the fact that I can do nothing but keep them in prayer... I don't become angry with God, I don't question Him, I run to Him. And when I run to Him, He comforts me. He reminds me that sin, sickness, and death were never His idea. He had plan perfection for us. We messed it up in the Garden of Eden and have been messing it up ever since. But He is a Redeemer and His redemptive power is so much greater than our sin and its consequences.
As I give Him my concerns and trust my friends to His care, He reminds me that there will be a day when His original intention will become reality. Revelation 21:4 tells us that He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
Christian singer and songwriter Jeremy Camp wrote about that day...
I can?t wait until that day where the very one
I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
O, this is why, this is why I sing
There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
I am so grateful to know the Lord. And I will keep running to Him - until that day when I run into His arms, and stay there. :)
Yet even with a sad and heavy heart, my face shows a little smile when I think about the journey I have had with Jesus. I think about the reactions I would have had earlier in my Christian walk and I think about the life lessons He has taught me that now cause me to respond differently.
See I would normally have one of two reactions: I would be angry with God or I would question Him. My prayer might have been something like "Lord, are you nuts?" or "why can't you spread the sorrow around more evenly - some folks seem to get more than others".
I have two funny stories that have helped me to not react like this. The first happened approximately 8 years ago. I had brought my young cousins to church with me. The boy was around 9 and his twin sisters were 3 or 4. After church we were all walking to my car when one of twins decided she wanted to run away - out towards the middle of a busy street! I screamed for her and tried to run but with 7 knee surgeries I don't run very well. Thankfully, her brother ran after her and tackled her to the ground inches short of a car trying to avoid hitting her. Well, let's just say I took that girl and applied the Board of Education to the Seat of Learning. (I bet you are waiting for the funny part...) The funny part was after I had gotten the disciplined one into her car seat, her twin sister came up to me and she was so angry with me. She had one hand on her hip and was point a finger at me yelling "you made Bonnie cry". I had to snicker. This girl stood right above my knees - and was telling me off. She was so mad and she was telling me all about it. It was all I could do to crack up at the absurdity of it - until I heard that still, small voice saying "looks silly, huh?" So.... that's what I look like when I yell at God. Thankfully, He sees me the same way I saw my 3 year old cousin. I wasn't angry with her - in fact I admired her defense of her sister. I understood her heart, but knew she was too young to understand. I think God understands our hearts, and knows we are too human to understand.
So I typically don't get angry with God anymore. The questioning God part can still be difficult sometimes. I don't mean to question Him in a sassy sort of way. I just long to understand. I wish I knew His logic, His thinking, His reasoning.... oh I better be careful. Someone else wanted to be like God and that desire caused His permanent demise. However, I do think its natural for us to try to make sense of things. We want to understand why things happen. We want life to be logical and we want reasons and answers for things. Unfortunately, many times there are no answers. We waste energy when we try to make things add up, they just don't.
One day, I was talking with another friend who had been through what I believe is the worse pain a person can go through. She was trying to find answers, to bring the logic to the situation. While we were talking, we were walking into a grocery store and I noticed an ant on the ground. I made the analogy of the ant trying to make sense out of what we were doing. What if the ant tried to determine why we brought ice cream instead of candy bars. We kinda got silly with it, but I said told her to be ready, because when we were done shopping, the ant was going to ask us why we shopped the way we did. Silly, right? Exactly. Humans trying to figure God out is like an ant asking us why we shopped the way we did. Absurd.
But again, God's tender heart doesnt mind our questions. He allows us to come to Him with all our messed up thoughts, questions, emotions. We can come as we are and lay our burdens before Him and we will find that He lovingly takes them from us. No, He doesn't change our circumstances typically. God is not a genie in a lamp. But He is a loving Father and His heart breaks when ours does.
So now, on days like today when I am sad, when my thoughts are with my friends and I hate the fact that I can do nothing but keep them in prayer... I don't become angry with God, I don't question Him, I run to Him. And when I run to Him, He comforts me. He reminds me that sin, sickness, and death were never His idea. He had plan perfection for us. We messed it up in the Garden of Eden and have been messing it up ever since. But He is a Redeemer and His redemptive power is so much greater than our sin and its consequences.
As I give Him my concerns and trust my friends to His care, He reminds me that there will be a day when His original intention will become reality. Revelation 21:4 tells us that He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
Christian singer and songwriter Jeremy Camp wrote about that day...
I can?t wait until that day where the very one
I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
O, this is why, this is why I sing
There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
I am so grateful to know the Lord. And I will keep running to Him - until that day when I run into His arms, and stay there. :)
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Processing ReCall
Last Thursday, Friday, and through the weekend my church had an event they labeled "Recall". When they announced it in the late Fall, I was so excited. It was going to resemble the "conventions" we had in the 90s. All I knew is I was down for three consecutive days of worship and the Word. I had been eagerly anticipating Recall for months. Little did I know that the week prior to the event would be one of hardest weeks ever. I can't go into detail, but the week hit me so hard that for a few days I wondered if I would ever walk through the doors of my church again. I got so wrapped up in my circumstances and my feelings - thinking about it in retrospect repulses me. Nonetheless, up until last Thursday, the first day of the event, I was unsure I was going. Several folks had asked me if I was going and I responded that I was unsure. I truly didn't want to go. But God is so good even when I am not. Shortly before the end of the work day, my best friend sent me a text and asked me if I was going. She said her and husband would save a seat for me. I hadn't seen my best friend in weeks and I knew that was God's way of making sure I attended.
The first night was a tug of war. I loved the sweet worship, but I couldn't let go of my personal struggle. At the end they had a time of worship and prayer and those who wanted to step forward for prayer could do so. I didn't. I stayed right where I was and tried to worship. My mentor and her husband (he is an elder) were down front praying for people. I looked at them a time or two, but I was not moving. I was looking down at the floor and talking to the Lord. Well, my mentor came to me. She said a few words that resonated deeply - I knew it was the Lord. It usually is when she speaks. What spoke even more deeply was the fact that when I would not budge, she came to me. It was another way the Lord was showing me that He pursues me. He wants a deep intimate relationship with me even when I am at my worst. So I talked to the Lord during my drive home and He showed me an error in my thought processes. (You're probably thinking... just one?) The Lord's correction was not harsh. As usual it was kind and it freed me. It freed me to let go of my issues and truly worship.
So on Friday at ReCall I was feeling much better and totally engaged. Worship was sweeter than words and the message was great.
The service on Saturday is what changed me the most. Again, sweet worship. But Saleem Ghubril said several things that hit me. First, he said "God's love is unconditional. But intimacy with God is conditional". He is right. There is nothing I can do or not do that would make God love me more or less. However, the depth and closeness of my relationship with God depends on me.
I have been struggling to maintain my intimacy with God in my new season of life. However, I think that is the reason God has me in this season. He wants me to learn to be intimate with Him without the crutch of church or other Christian activities. It's like the show Biggest Loser. It is easy for the contestants to stick to their plan when they are on the ranch with their trainers. But when they return home and get back to life, its solely up to them to maintain their health.
These past two days have been busy. I worked 7-4 on Monday and then went to school. Today work was non-stop and when I got home and ate dinner I had to decide how to spend my time between the extra work I needed to do for my job and my school work (and blogging of course). I did a little of each.
But first I checked Facebook. Priorities you know. On Facebook, Dennis Allan had posted a blog from his wife Julia. It made me cry - both their blogs always do that to me. Reading Julia's blog is like reading the Bible with drops of emotion mixed in. (whereas my blog is emotion with drops of the Bible mixed in - lol). But a part of Julia's blog was about being so busy and caught up in the normal routines of life that you neglect to tuned yourself in to God's Spirit. When you are not walking closely with Him and staying in tune with Him, it is easy to not hear His still, small voice.
One of the other things Saleem's message did was rekindle a fire in me in regards to certain part of my life. This fire or desire of mine is a hot button issue therefore not public knowledge. My dilemma is determining if my desire is the Lord's desire for me, or just my desire. I will never figure that out if I don't prioritize intimacy with Him. I have heard many people say that the Lord will not tell you what to do until you are doing what He has already told you to do.
Saleem mentioned what God has told each of us to do. Its found in Micah 6:8. "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
ReCall lived up to its name. I have been re-called. Not called to something new - but re-called to what I have always been called to. To act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. At work, at school, during the struggle to get it all done. I must learn to walk humbly with God, seeking intimacy in my relationship with Him while doing daily life. I have a hunch that when my walk with Him is intimate again, I will know which desires are His and which are mine.
I am grateful to my God. Grateful that when I get off the path He is faithful to pursue me - and to recall me unto Him.
The first night was a tug of war. I loved the sweet worship, but I couldn't let go of my personal struggle. At the end they had a time of worship and prayer and those who wanted to step forward for prayer could do so. I didn't. I stayed right where I was and tried to worship. My mentor and her husband (he is an elder) were down front praying for people. I looked at them a time or two, but I was not moving. I was looking down at the floor and talking to the Lord. Well, my mentor came to me. She said a few words that resonated deeply - I knew it was the Lord. It usually is when she speaks. What spoke even more deeply was the fact that when I would not budge, she came to me. It was another way the Lord was showing me that He pursues me. He wants a deep intimate relationship with me even when I am at my worst. So I talked to the Lord during my drive home and He showed me an error in my thought processes. (You're probably thinking... just one?) The Lord's correction was not harsh. As usual it was kind and it freed me. It freed me to let go of my issues and truly worship.
So on Friday at ReCall I was feeling much better and totally engaged. Worship was sweeter than words and the message was great.
The service on Saturday is what changed me the most. Again, sweet worship. But Saleem Ghubril said several things that hit me. First, he said "God's love is unconditional. But intimacy with God is conditional". He is right. There is nothing I can do or not do that would make God love me more or less. However, the depth and closeness of my relationship with God depends on me.
I have been struggling to maintain my intimacy with God in my new season of life. However, I think that is the reason God has me in this season. He wants me to learn to be intimate with Him without the crutch of church or other Christian activities. It's like the show Biggest Loser. It is easy for the contestants to stick to their plan when they are on the ranch with their trainers. But when they return home and get back to life, its solely up to them to maintain their health.
These past two days have been busy. I worked 7-4 on Monday and then went to school. Today work was non-stop and when I got home and ate dinner I had to decide how to spend my time between the extra work I needed to do for my job and my school work (and blogging of course). I did a little of each.
But first I checked Facebook. Priorities you know. On Facebook, Dennis Allan had posted a blog from his wife Julia. It made me cry - both their blogs always do that to me. Reading Julia's blog is like reading the Bible with drops of emotion mixed in. (whereas my blog is emotion with drops of the Bible mixed in - lol). But a part of Julia's blog was about being so busy and caught up in the normal routines of life that you neglect to tuned yourself in to God's Spirit. When you are not walking closely with Him and staying in tune with Him, it is easy to not hear His still, small voice.
One of the other things Saleem's message did was rekindle a fire in me in regards to certain part of my life. This fire or desire of mine is a hot button issue therefore not public knowledge. My dilemma is determining if my desire is the Lord's desire for me, or just my desire. I will never figure that out if I don't prioritize intimacy with Him. I have heard many people say that the Lord will not tell you what to do until you are doing what He has already told you to do.
Saleem mentioned what God has told each of us to do. Its found in Micah 6:8. "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
ReCall lived up to its name. I have been re-called. Not called to something new - but re-called to what I have always been called to. To act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. At work, at school, during the struggle to get it all done. I must learn to walk humbly with God, seeking intimacy in my relationship with Him while doing daily life. I have a hunch that when my walk with Him is intimate again, I will know which desires are His and which are mine.
I am grateful to my God. Grateful that when I get off the path He is faithful to pursue me - and to recall me unto Him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)