New Beginnings and How It All Began

It's New Years Day 2013 and like everyone else I have taken time to look back in reflection and look ahead with planning and anticipation. The past year will not go down in my life's history as one of my favorites. Like any other year, it was filled with highs and lows, ups and downs. With my natural eyes, the lows were lower than normal and more painful and hard to get over. However, my spiritual eyes and my knowledge of the Truth (God's Word) tell me that God works all things for my good. Someday, I will walk side by side with Jesus and I will see clearly that His plan was perfect for me. For now, I must live by faith.

2012 was not just a difficult year for me. We experienced Hurricane Sandy and Sandy Hook and a myriad of other hardships. At times it may have seemed difficult to see God in the midst of these circumstances. I know I went through a dry season in my spiritual walk and I did not sense His Presence in the way that I typical do. So why all these hardships? Why can life be so tough? We need look no further than Genesis 1.

I got a new one year chronological Bible with readings for every day of the year in the order that the events occured. So this morning I read the Creation story as well as the story of the Fall of Man. See, when God created man, God had no intention of our lives being filled with hardship and turmoil and toil. God placed Adam and Eve in a beautiful garden that had all the food they could want. They didn't have to labor for it. God walked among them in the garden and spoke with them daily. They didn't struggle to hear a still small voice - they heard Him clearly. Oh they heard, but they didn't listen. God only gave them one rule. Just one. Do not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. We all know the story. The serpent deceived Eve. She convinced Adam. They ate the fruit... What really happened here? God had provided their every need. They knew no sorrow, no pain, they lacked nothing, they knew not the shame of sin (yet). All they had to do to maintain this carefree life was surrender and submit to God's design, God's plan. One rule - that was it. And it was a rule God gave to PROTECT them - not because He delighted in His authority. But Adam and Eve decided God didn't really know what He was doing. He couldn't possibly be right. Perhaps they even thought His ways were "old fashion" and times had changed and it was time for a new way. Well they got a new way. They were evicted from the Garden of Eden and made to toil for their food. With a list of consequences, sin had entered the world... and its been downhill ever since.

Before we get too upset with Adam and Eve, let's look in the mirror. We do exactly what they did ever time we choose our way over God's way. Each time we put ourselves in the drivers seat of our lives and have the Lord as a good luck charm in the trunk that we pull out in emergencies, we are committing the same sin that Adam and Eve did. By our actions we say: "God, we know better than you do how our lives should be run". So God's replies: "have it your way". 2012 was a picture of what "our way" looks like. Selfishness and self-centeredness gave birth to sin. Sin gave birth to sorrow, pain, loss, death.

Oh but thanks be to God that even when we have made a terrible mess, He does not leave us that way! His original intention in creating mankind is still His intention today. He desires an intimate relationship with each of us. Yes, the wages of sin is death and sin separates us from God. But God so loved us that He sent His son Jesus. Jesus left the perfection of heaven to come to this sin-stained world and be crucified. He took the punishment of our sins upon Himself. With His death He paid the price and with His resurrection He defeated sin and death and enabled us to not only have eternal life, but to have abundant life here on earth as we walk closely in relationship with our Savior. All we have to do is accept and receive that gift.

For me, I entered into a personal relationship with Jesus 24 years ago. My eternal life has been purchased with His blood and secured. However, my abundant life is a process and a daily choice. It amazes me that after 24 years, I still sometimes choose to do things my way. I still sometimes think I know what is best for me more than He does. I make decisions independently of Him, and then boy do I react when I don't like the way things have turned out.

I am so grateful that God is a God of New Beginnings. And you know what? It does not have to be a new year to have a new beginning. The Bible says His mercies are new every morning. He continually provides me with a clean slate and offers His love, His guidance, His wisdom, and His Presence to be with me each day. No, life will not be a bed of roses - not even in this new year. Sin will remain in this world until His Second Coming. But each day I have a choice. I can choose to think, act, and live independently and accept how that turns out, or I can choose to wake up, seek His face, seek His Will and surrender to it... and walk through this world hand in hand with my Creator, Savior, Father, and best friend, trusting that He will bring me through life's storms and accomplish His perfect will in my life. His ways do not always make sense. But both He and I have proven our track records. I like His better - and I am thankful for yet another new beginning to choose His Way once more.

When God Says No

For most of my life I have been on quest. I've been on quest to achieve what it seemingly unattainable for me. I have been on a quest for "normal". I have been "abnormal" for most of life and I have spent most of my life trying to change that fact. Up until I was five years old, it was just me and my mom. My mom was single but life for me was perfect. I never left her side those first five years and it was like I had my own personal Garden of Eden. But in late August of 1979, I had to leave my garden for the world of kindergarten. My very first day away from my mom and I got beat up by a bunch of fourth grade boys. That was my first encounter with the fallen state of man. Throughout my childhood, I was always different. I never quite knew why. I just knew the kids picked on me and called me names and I never could find a place to fit in. It always seemed I was never doing what the normal group was doing. This continued into high school and even when I joined a church and finished my last three years in a Christian school, I was still different. I never had a senior prom, no homecoming, no graduation party. After high school, I wanted to be in full time ministry so I went to Bible College, thinking now I would finally be... normal. I got to Bible College and I was told that the place was secretly known as a Bridal College. I was 20 years old and not really looking for a man at that time, but two years later when I left there - it was only me and one other girl that was not in a relationship. Again - weird, abnormal, different. I still had hope back then. When I moved out on my own, got a good job, and began adult life I still thought there was hope that I would become normal. I would marry, have kids, and my family would serve the Lord and be ... yep... normal. Its been hard for me. I look at normal everywhere I go. Most folks my age are married with kids. Mostly families (extended families) get together more in one year than my family has gotten togther in my lifetime. The last time my local family members were gathered together was the early 90s. It seems like every time I acheive a bit of a normal feeling, I lose it. I have spent many times in my best friend's house with her family. We've had dinners and have played cards and I have enjoyed it so much. I think "this is what normal people do". Well, my best friend sold her house to move to China - taking my little piece of normal. This past February, I received red roses in my office on Valentines Day - the first time in my life. For once, I was like the other ladies in my office. That "normal" experience lasted all of 7 weeks. I am 38 years old and I have been trying and praying for the Lord to make my life look like everyone elses. And for 38 years, the Lord keeps saying "NO". I don't know why the Lord keeps telling me no. I go through stages where sometimes it only bothers me a little, and sometimes it hurts so much I wish He would just take me home. Well, this past Thursday while in the Beth Moore Bible study, I was watching the video and Beth spoke God's Word directly into the sorest part of my heart. She said: "Pain does not have to be in vain. God is strong willed - not strong whimmed. God doesn't just let things happen on a whim. If He has been strong willed enough to say "no" to you in a matter you think will nearly kill you... something HUGE is up. I am not saying that it must have purpose, it has to do with YOUR PURPOSE. If you wanted it so badly and there was a "no" then there is some HUGE and Greater YES. Something in your life that when all time is told and eternity is our reality - your purpose will somehow have been wrapped up in that very greater Yes." It has taken a few days for that to sink in. A few days for me to allow it to bring some type of healing. No, it hasnt brought deliverance - at least not yet. It may still hurt when I see couples holding hands or holding babies. It will definitely still hurt when I see big families gathered together enjoying each other's company. I may still fight feelings of jealousy when I see those who passion and paychecks come from the same place. But one thing I know for sure: God is good. His ways are not my ways, His thoughts definitely are not my thoughts. But I have been in relationship with Him for too long to believe that His answer of no means that God is somehow cruel or uncaring. God is love and He loves me. And even though I don't understand it - I have to believe by faith that went God says no - it is because He is saying YES - to something bigger and better than my mind can comprehend. I am so thankful that the Lord brought me His Word through Beth Moore. It gives me something tangible to fight with when those feelings come. Now, when my eyes see what I can't have or can't be, I may still feel the sting of being told "no", but beyond that initial stings, is the comfort of the sweet, precious voice of my Savior - saying YES.

Submitting to His Script

I have a little devotional calendar on my desk at work. Yesterday morning when I got to work and flipped to the new day I read something that I can't stop thinking about: "Life is literally filled with God appointed storms. The massive blows and shattering blasts - not to mention the little, constant irritations... smooth us, humble us, and compel us to submit to His script and His chosen role for our lives" Swindoll I did not have any circumstancial storms yesterday. It was just another day. Oh but the mental storms I have... those little irritations... my constant thinking and planning and imagining... You see, the life I have is not the life I scripted for myself. Its a good life and a blessed life - but not the life I thought I would have, nor the life I would choose if given a choice. As a little girl, I pictured myself as a stay at home mom. My life would look just like the Wonder Years. Lol. When I got older and began my relationship with the Lord, I went to Bible College planning to be in full time ministry. Heck - I even thought maybe those two dreams would be joined and I would marry a pastor. What's that noise? Oh, its just God - cracking up laughing. The Bible says the Lord looks at the plans of man and laughs. I picture Morgan Freeman in the movie Evan Almighty - having a hearty chuckle when the man said "but I have plans". I wrote a script for my life. At least I thought I did. However, my loving heavenly Father smiles, looks sweetly at me and says "my child, you never held the pen". My script was as solid as writing in air with my finger. My life story is being written by my Creator. He is the author of Life and He has a plan for it. This morning I was still thinking of yesterday's devotional when I read the Proverbs for the day. Proverbs 19:21 says "many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." If I jump ahead to tomorrow's reading I see Proverbs 20:24 - "the Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way". I have no idea why I am 38 and single, working for a banking software firm, going to school for a industry I have no interest in... but God knows. Jeremiah 29:11 - for the I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, to give you a hope and a future. So though I often struggle that my life is what I thought it would be, I am glad that God is in control and the pen is in His hand. I am thankful because when those storms of life occur - those massive blows and shattering blasts - only His purpose is just cause for me to endure. I will deal with each constant irritation as it comes, knowing that I am walking in His chosen role for me at this time.

The Real Reality

Those of you who know me well know that I have a list of pet peeves. Traffic, slow drivers, people who speak while others are speaking, etc. My good friends know that one of my biggest pet peeves is that ridiculous question: "is the glass half empty or half full?" You see, I am neither an optimist, nor a pessimist. I am a realist. The answer to that most ridiculous question is: "YES". It is not an either/or, it is a both/and. The glass is both half empty and half full. Both parts are true. One part does not negate the other. I think both the optimist and the pessimist live in denial - of the other truth. For the past week God has been teaching me some things and this morning He showed me that I am right about the glass. Oh, but don't think I am going to use this blog to stomp on the optimists and pessimists. Oh no - this blog is called Life Lessons Learned Along the Way and I used it to share what God teaches me through life and His Word and that often involves me receiving correction from Him in some way or another. I may be right about the proverbial glass, but I was dead wrong on a more important subject. For the past several weeks, I have been really down in the dumps. I have tried to hide it, but you all know how well I do at not being transparent. I just havent felt "right". I havent felt peace, contentment... all the things I know I should have. I wasn't quite sure why I felt this way. I wondered if it was hormones. Or perhaps the fact that my friend and mentor of over ten years moved to heaven and I was just working through the grief. Earlier this week my friend and current spiritual mentor said something that struck a nerve. She said "I sense such an overwhelming unhappiness in you". Yikes! That is not a Christian should be portraying! So at first I sat there and tried to justify my feelings. I listed all the reasons I had to be unhappy: I just attended the funeral of a good friend. I am 38, single, and childless - always at the top of the list. My life isnt what I thought it would be. My best friend is about to move to the other side of the planet. My family isnt "normal". I never wanted a career. I wanted to be in full time ministry but I have bills to pay. So of course my faithful friend helped to me shift focus to the other truth of the glass. She spoke of all the blessings God has given me - and I began to make the mental list of things I am grateful for. I only have a high school diploma - but I have an outstanding job. I am living on my own and my bills are paid. I am a member of a wonderful church where I can be used in the areas I'm gifted in. I have a long list of wonderful friends and people who love me. I have one friend that texts me at random, unexpected moments and she has no idea how much joy that brings me. I have another friend who, when I first met her, I never thought I would be worthy of her friendship. I never thought I would be good enough to be in her inner friendship circle. We became friends - good enough to have lunch together on her birthday. God has allowed me to mentor a young girl in the inner city for 5 years and watch her grow. So I went over this list with my friend and I believe every part of it. But this list of things I am grateful for didnt take my unhappiness away. I didnt understand it. I found myself asking the question in Psalms: "Why so downcast oh my soul?" After my conversation with my mentor, God began slowly showing me that my communication with Him has been minimal. Being so busy and having many late nights, I chose to sleep in until the last minute in the mornings and had no time in the Word. My moments with Him were quick 5 minute prayers in the car. Going a few days like that is one thing - I went 3 weeks. And boy, have I become weak. Spiritually weak. Though I felt a void, I didnt recognize it as a longing for my Creator and Savior, I tried to fill it with other things: relationships, shopping, even pursuing ministries that God hasnt called me to - or at least not yet. Nothing worked. I couldnt shake this unhappiness - and I chastised myself for being unhappy. Well, this morning I woke up and though I have a huge to-do list for this weekend, I decided I was spending time with the Lord first, however long it took. I felt Him nudge me to begin the study that I will lead in two weeks - a study of the life of David. I read the first two sentences of the introduction and already God was speaking right into my life. I have been at this desk for 2 and half hours. I have been in the Word, I have been communicating with the Lord. I have been corrected and instructed by the Lord. And of course I have worshipped the Lord. Funny - not a trace of that unhappiness lingers. I have HIS joy, I have HIS peace. Its not a hyper, jump up and down kind of joy. Its a calm, satifying, inner peace and joy that comes only from time in His Presence. During the study lead me to Ephesians 6 - the well known portion on the armor of God. He showed me the countless times I neglected to put on the belt of truth and then got slaughterd by lies that I believed. Through an old testament story of Jonathan and his armor bearer, God showed me how I left myself susceptible to the enemy by not walking closely with Him. You see, I wasnt unhappy because of my list of negatives (the half empty part of the glass of my life). And focusing my thoughts on the positives (the half full part) didnt magically make me happy. Both of those lists are true. All of those things I listed still CO-EXIST in my life. They are reality. But Pastor Jay said several years ago that the Word of God has got to be MORE REAL than the circumstances we face. The real reality for me is that I am a child of God. I am a created being that needs to be in communication and fellowship with her Creator. I need to be seeking Him first every day, seeking His will for each moment, spending time in His Word and allowing it to be a lamp for my feet and a light to my path. I need to put on the belt of His truth every day and walk closly with Him. He is my reality. He is my source. He is my joy and my peace. This morning as I felt the washing of the water of His Word like a waterfall over me, I feel restored. There is nothing different about my circumstances. They havent changed. But I have. I pray I can continue to stay close to Jesus through the next few very busy months. Friends, if you catch me becoming overwhelmingly unhappy... please encouage me to get in the Word. Thanks.

Battle of the Mind

Today I could have been an illustration in Joyce Meyer's book "The Battlefield of the Mind". I spent some time in the Word this morning and headed to work. The first half of day was like any other. At lunchtime, I sat in my cube and did some more work in my Nehemiah Bible study. The lesson was really speaking to me and my highlighter was going like crazy. I got a text from a friend and was able to share the Word with her. Really cool lunch. So one would think that really cool lunch would put me in a great frame of mind for the rest of the day.... or.... not. For some reason, my mind drifted to some hurtful things that someone said to me yesterday. They really weren't that big of deal, but before I realized what I was doing, I found myself dwelling on that instead of the Word I just read and shared. I started to get sad and then I caught myself. How easily my mind can wander. It takes no effort for my brain to focus on the negative. So I repented for my stinkin thinkin (again) and I spoke a few Scriptures to myself and got back my attitude of gratitude. And then the work day got hard. I am facing some difficulties this week at work and I started to panic. I began to worry about things that havent happened yet (and may not happen). I began to doubt my ability to do the work and fear set in. Instead of speaking the truth of Scripture to chase these thoughts away, I let them get the best of me. My head looked like a big blown up black balloon. (The ladies in my Bible study will understand that). As I drove out of my office lot, I felt crummy. I didnt have the wits to utter an intelligent prayer, but I did say "Oh Lord, I need help". That was all it took. Like a gentle whisper, He reminded me that He would not lead me to a place and not equip me to be there. He reminded me that He is so much bigger, stonger, capable than the mountain I had envisioned. Refocusing my gaze on God instead of my problems and feelings, I began to worship. First, I just thanked Him and worshipped Him for who He is. Then, I turned on the worship music - loud enough to vibrate the windows. Peter Furler's song "I'm Alive" came on and as I praised our Father, I felt Him cleanse and restore me. This blog is about lessons learned. Today I learned how quickly my mind can stray and take me down. The only remedy for this is Scripture. The Word tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our mind. Life does not always allow us to open the Book when the need arises. So I must read it more, study it more, yes - and memorize it more. The Battle of the Mind is never-ending - and the Word is the only successful weapon. I am so thankful for my Savior - He has indeed given me all things I need for life and Godliness.

A Greater Good

It's been quite awhile since my last blog. I have been busy learning a new job, leading a Bible study, and taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. I havent had much time to sit and type my thoughts. And if I am honest with you, I have to admit I was not in the best place spiritually. It's hard to describe what happened and why - but God is bringing me back. Through my trial, God is giving me a bigger and clearer view of Himself and I amazed and awed. God has used a series of events and relationships in my life lately to show me how He loves. I have had some struggles in a few of my relationships. I am not talking about once instance or one person. But in the events of life, I have been both offended and the offender. Miscommunication, misunderstanding, lack of trust, and admittedly my selfishness has caused pain and brokenness in some of my relationships. I have known that reconcilation was needed. In some cases it was easier than others, but no matter how hard, it required one person to reach out to begin the reconcilation. In some cases, I was able to be that one who reached out to initiate. In another case, I was frozen. I was unable to reach out due to fear of being rejected or hurt again. Thankfully, the other person reached out to me. I'm thankful to the Lord for answering my prayer and meeting my need. I am thankful to my friend for taking the risk when I couldnt. But I dont tell you this to air my personal business on public airwaves. My blog is about life lessons learned along the way - and the lesson God showed me here is what I am most thankful for. In any relationship - parent/child, spouses, siblings, friends - there is risk. Risk of being rejected or hurt. As Christians, I believe we are on this earth for two reasons: to make disciples, and to become more like Christ through our journey. So in the area of relationships, I look at how Jesus lived. And I must looked at how Jesus died. Throught His earthly life, Jesus reached out to everyone. He knew He would be rejected. He knew He would be hurt - not once, but over and over again. When he called Peter to follow Him, He knew Peter would deny Him three times. He knew that though He had his "inner circle" of 12, none of them would be the friend He needed at His darkest hour in the Garden of Gethsemane. So what did Jesus do? Did He protect Himself from the pain? Did He become introverted and only associate with those He could trust (which was no one)? Of course not. Jesus continued to reach out. He continued to put Himself out there continually facing hurt and rejection. He continued to love. And on the cross of Calvary, when he was crucified for our sins, He continue to receive the pain, the rejection, the insults - and He received the worse pain of all - separation from His Father. God the Father, the only relationship Jesus could trust in - He allowed Himself to be torn away from. Why? For a greater good - because He loved us and would do anything to reconcile us to God so that we could live in relationship with Him both now and for eternity. For Jesus - His love for us and His desire for relationship with us was worth the pain, worth the risk. He knew that not all would except this gift. But He had to do offer it and leave the decision up to us. It brings deeper meaning for me to a song we sing in church: How Great the Pain of Searing Loss The Father Turns His Face Away As wounds which mar the Chosen One Bring many sons to glory He had to endure the pain of searing loss - to bring many sons to glory. So, if we are on earth to become more like Christ, shouldnt we too be willing to take the risk and handle a little pain for the greater good of loving people? Like Jesus did, we must decide that the value of our relationships are a greater good, a greater goal, a greater worth - worth the pain that comes with being human. The next time there are some waves in my relationships, I pray that I remember my Savior. I pray that I remember how He kept loving and kept reaching out - through the pain and the hurt - for the greater good. And as I finish this post, another song comes on Klove. It says: Let my life be the proof, the proof of your love Let my love look like you and what you're made of Lord, teach me to love like you - teach me to love with the love you have given to me.

God Doesn't Think Like We Do

This evening something happened that caused my feelings to get hurt. I was tired and sore and I most likely over-reacted (contain your shock) but I was hurt nonetheless. I cried for just awhile, but I know to take these things to the Lord. When I did, I asked Him why He allows me to go through this. It was not the first time and I am sure He had a lesson for me - and it's a lesson I would like to master so it can stop occuring! As I was praying I heard a the voice of one of dear friends in my head. The voice said: "God doesn't think like we do". I smiled just thinking of my friend and the words calmed me down. So I asked the Lord to give me His perspective on the situation. I felt the Lord say that just as He doesn't think the way I do, other people think differently than I do also. Whether consciously or not, we tend to think that people think like us. We put expectations on them based on our thought process (not theirs) and when those expectations are not met, we get hurt. I trust the heart of God. Therefore, when He sends something my way that I don't understand, I know He means no ill toward me. I think the same goes with those who are close to us. Their heart is good toward us - even if circumstances look different. I appreciate two things about this evening's lesson. First, at my time of need God was there. I called to Him and He answered me. He calmed me first, then He taught me in His loving Fatherly way. Second, the method He used was the words of my wise and Godly friends. I am so grateful that I have chosen friends who are more mature in the Lord than I am. Even in casual chatting, their wisdom is shared with me and God uses it when it's needed. So what started out as hurt, ended in a double blessing. And I am doubly grateful.