After my surgery, I received a card in the mail from my spiritual mentor and friend Kathy. It was a very well chosen card. The words were great. The words she wrote were perfect. They began with: “I am praying for your physical healing and for the healing of your soul”. As soon as I read that the tears began to fall. Kathy knows me better than almost anyone and she knew how badly I needed that healing of my soul. In fact, her next words were: “so much has happened over the last couple years...”
This blog post is not going to rehash everything that has occurred in the past two years that have caused me to need a soul healing. Rather, this post is to “see what great love the Father has lavished on me”. ( I John 3:1)
I have been the recipient of so much love and care this past week. The day of my surgery, my Kathy came and picked me up and drove me to the hospital. My mother was planning to meet us there. As Kathy and I were walking to the place to register, we heard a voice behind us say “hey, wait up”. It was my friend and fellow LAMP mentor Deb Dilliplaine. She had surprised me by coming to the hospital to pray with me before surgery. That was such an awesome sweet surprise.
Kathy stayed with my mom while I was being prepped and they both sat with me while I got the IV hooked up and what not. After surgery, as I was coming out of the anesthesia, I realized my bed was moving. I was being transported to my regular room. The funny thing is, I looked to my left and the first person I saw was Ron Kutzavitch holding a floral arrangement sent by my church. His wife Kathy (a different Kathy) has been in my Bible study group for many years and they own a floral shop and the church uses them for these occasions. I had only met Ron once before, but he is a very personable guy and he walked with the nurse to my room and set my arrangement on the table and wished me well. My mom came in the room and knew immediately what to do – GIVE ME MY CELL PHONE! LOL.
I was a little nervous about being in Sewickley Hospital. Both my mom and my uncle had horrible experiences there. That was not the case for me. I had impeccable service. Three very kind, caring nurses made me feel like I was their only patient. And each of them understood that my first priority was my cell phone and the charger! Hahaha
I got to come home the very next day. My sweet friend Kathy (the one from the first paragraph) came back to see me about 3pm and brought me some groceries. Then that evening, Kathy Kutzavitch brought me dinner. The next morning I got a visit from Kristin Radacsy. She and I had a great conversation and I was blessed by much of what she shared. One little thing she said ended up meaning the world to me. I mentioned that when I had posted on Facebook that I was home from the hospital and resting, that our lead pastor Scott Stevens liked that status post. I told Kristin that even though the flowers I received said “from Pastor Scott and Tina and your North Way family” I knew the assistants order those and I didn’t even think Scott knew. I wasn’t upset by that – I just figured the lead pastor of 4,000 people had bigger things to be informed of. But Kristin said: “of course he knows – especially since its you”.
What followed next was nothing short of a miracle. August 1st – two days after my surgery, was the day my best friend and her husband where scheduled to leave the US for China. They were at the airport at some early hour in the morning. Well, they lost their seats on the flight from Pittsburgh to Chicago and could not secure another flight that day. Denise had a peace about it though and thought that God must have some reason for delaying them a day. One of her friends posted on Denise’s Facebook that God had a divine appointment for them in the US. Well, after going to her son’s house to get some sleep, she and her hubby came to see me. I hadn’t seen them since the Sunday before my surgery and we thought that was our good-bye. Well, Denise ended up making dinner for me and the three of us ate dinner together. She and her husband would not let me lift a finger. So the three of us are sitting at my table just chatting and eating and all of a sudden Denise looks down at her plate and I see tears well up. I asked her what was wrong. Nothing was wrong. She told me that she knew about what all the other ladies were doing for me after my surgery and she felt so bad that she was unable to be here for me and make sure I was okay and help me out. As we hugged (and poor John endured all that girly emotion) we realized God had blessed us by delaying them. I got an extra day with them and they got to help me out. Denise went home and posted to her Facebook that she did indeed have a divine appointment in the US – to see her best friend and make sure she was okay. Sure enough, the next day everything work out perfectly and they made their flights to China – with their luggage.
More cards, flowers, and gifts came each day. On Sunday, I woke up and was sad because I was missing church. I knew I could catch the sermon online but I hate missing worship. Pastor Kent saw my Facebook post that said I hated missing church and he sent me a link – a link to the recording of Saturday night’s service – the whole thing – worship and all. So I got to attend church while at home. Last night my friend Gail spoiled me rotten! She brought dinner, an entire pie for dessert, a gift, and washed my dishes. My friend Susan had given me a gift bag before my surgery with multiple gifts in it – told me to open one each day during recovery. I had something to look forward to each morning – what a sweet idea. My friend John has been over several times. He has cooked four meals for me and handled my trash and other things I cannot take care of. Even my parents’ pastors have called me and prayed for me.
Why am I listing all this out? Because all this love that the Father is lavishing on me is the beginning of the healing of my soul. During these past two difficult years, I have made many mistakes and haven’t handled everything in the wisest way. And the past few months I have been a beast. The pain has been keeping me up at night and cranky during the day. I have been unpleasant and difficult to deal with. And the worst part is I hadn’t spent quality time with the Lord in a long time.
But something happened the week before my surgery that has had such an impact on me. It was the stone in the water and all these other blessings have been ripple effects. My friend was in town for a week. Prior to her coming to Pittsburgh, we had been at odds. I love her dearly but we got caught up in that Scripture that says “like iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”. And truthfully, I had been a snot. She arrived on a Monday and I had been wanting some one on one time with her to apologize to her. That one on one time didn’t come until Thursday. But we arranged to have dinner and I got to the restaurant first. I was sitting in that booth like a child sitting in the principals office waiting for punishment. I knew she was going to come in, sit down and tell me about myself. And she had every right to. I had my apology rehearsed and ready, but I would give her the opportunity to give me what for. She sits down and we chat and order food. I waited for the hammer. It never came. Perplexed, I proceeded with my apology. She looked at me like I had ten heads. She told me she had already spoken what she had to say and it was done and over with. No grudges, no hard feelings, no damaged friendship, no lashes with a wet noodle…. I kept trying to rehash it and she said “I have moved on”.
I was humbled and blown into the middle of next week.
When I got in my car, I was still stunned. Happy and relieved, but stunned. When I talked to the Lord about it He said to me: “Raquel, that was a human. You received that grace, forgiveness, and restoration from a human. Why is it so hard to receive it from me?” I realized that each time I approach the Lord, I give myself a Christian “report card”. And lately, my grades have been horrible. So I approach Him with shame and wait for the tongue lashing – but it doesn’t come.
Both my friend and God had the same six words for me: “you know me better than that”.
It’s true. I do. That knowledge was in my head – I just needed to secure it in my heart.
That night at Smokey Bones began the healing of my soul. It enabled me to receive all the other love and care from the Lord through my friends.
So tonight my physical body is on the mend and so is my heart. Both are progressing well. The printed words in that card from Kathy say: “the One who made us knows how to mend us. He is the Great Physician – the only One Who can heal body, soul, and spirit. I couldn’t be in better hands. :)
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
It is Well With My Soul
In my last post, I discussed the difference between reality and truth. Each day I see more of the huge gap between the two. I have spoken to several friends about it. Reality is very real, but truth is higher and truth is absolute.
Well, because I have "preached" this so fervently, I think God wants to be sure I practice what I preach. Beyond that, I think God wants to be certain that I believe it wholeheartedly.
My "reality" has been hit with two very difficult things in the past month. These events have caused me to rely on the deep roots of my almost 25 years of faith. They have caused to me question what I believe and why.
I have been having some health issues for over six months. I ignored it for the longest time, but when the pain kept getting worse and I was waking up in the middle of the night with pain that took my breath away, I knew it was time to see the doc. After several tests and more doctors appointments than I ever cared to have, the diagnosis was in. My uterus had multiple fibroid tumors. Many women have them and for most women its not a problem, but mine had grown too big and were too numerous. They were not only causing excruciating pain, they were interfering with other health issues.
The physical pain I had dealt with for months was nothing compared to the question my doctor asked: "are you done having children?" Not wanting to get emotional in front of the doctor, I quickly replied: "done??? I havent started." That did not work. Knowing that I am 39, she says "oh, so you don't won't children?". My initial thought was that a more merciful God would have given me stage 4 ovarian cancer.
Was this doctor serious? My desire to have children began when I was five years old. No - I didnt want kids at age 5. LOL. But I remember being 5 years old and playing with my cousin who was a year younger than me. We played house and even at that young age, we both dreamed of the day we would become mothers. We even had names for our kids picked out. As we got a little older and stopped playing with dolls, we would play the game of LIFE. Each time we landed on a space that said "a daughter or son is born" and we would reach for that pink or blue peg, we had a rule... before we put it in our car, we had to name it. My first choice for a boy's name was Christopher. For a girl, Susan. My cousin April's choices were Nathaniel and Julie. My cousin and I are middle-aged women now. Her son Nathaniel is 17 and her daughter Julie is 12. I have two cats - and they are not named Christopher and Susan. (my attempt at some humor here).
The humiliation in the doctors office did not end there. Irritated, I informed her that I was incapable of making children by myself. She then asked if I was married.. no. Do I have a fiance.. no. When would this end??? She informed me that I had to choice between two surgeries. However, she would not be able to perform them. So she sent me to see a more specialized doctor. When I met with him, he began asking the same painful questions. The first surgery I could choose was a myomectomy. I won't go into detail but the doctor said it was a "morbid, gruesome, horrible procedure" that would take at least six weeks to recover from. It would save the organ, but could possibly damage it to the point that it could not fulfill its purpose anyway. Then the doc suggested another method to try to save the organ, but it also had huge risks and would only delay the inevitable.
So this doctor's words cut deeper than his scapel. He says: "you're 7 months away from being 40 years old. You're unmarried with no prospects. Your chances of getting pregnant and not miscarrying are slim to none anyway." So he scheduled a hysterectomy for July 30th.
Needless to say, I was crushed. But two things have helped me to not remain in a state of despair. The first was true empathy given by my best friend. I say true empathy for a reason. I have many friends that love me and care about me. I have had the support and sympathy of many and I am grateful for it. However, I believe true empathy can only be given by someone who completely understands your pain. The only way to completely understand someone's pain is if you yourself have experienced the same thing. If not, you can only imagine what the person feels.
Though my best friend is married, she has no children of her own. When I called her crying, she spoke words that told me she understood. She said "being a woman and not bearing children is a huge blow to your self-esteem. It makes you question why you ever born, or at least born a woman. It makes you wonder if you have any purpose for being on the planet." Just to have someone understand that was a huge help.
Those words brought comfort. The words of another friend brought me back to the truth (not reality - truth). These words were not even spoken directly to me. I had attended a meeting with a friend at a ministry that he does. This person was speaking to a group and I was just sitting there observing. The people in the group began to ask some really deep questions about why God allows tragedy. My friend, who has been through what I would think is the worst thing a human being can ever experience while on this fallen world, spoke to the group and said: "you all know what happened to me. I have two choices: I can either lay down and die, or I can rely on God." He then went on to state an often quoted verse of Scripture. Proverbs 3:5. That Scripture is quoted so much. Its often one of those band-aid Scriptures that we quote when we have nothing else to say. But this time was different. When my friend looked at the group and said "The Bible tells me to lean not on my own understanding", it was a lightning bolt that pushed that Scripture from my head to my heart. It took my breath away when I considered it in the context of the one speaking it. To hear it quoted is one thing, but to see it lived out so well by someone who is applying it - holy smokes. I thought to myself, if he can apply it to his situation, I surely can apply it to mine.
So I have been doing okay. I am not happy - but I am not in despair either. I have peace about this upcoming surgery.
Well sometimes life likes to kick a dog when he's down. Last night something else happened. I can't go into detail here - not because its too personal - heck I just talked about a hysterectomy. But I can't go into detail about it because unlike the pain of not being able to bear children, no one that I know has walked my journey in this area. I am sure someone on the planet has, I just don't personally know anyone who has experienced what I have for the past 20 years. If I would tell them what occurred last night, they would laugh, roll their eyes, tell me I am being dramatic and overreacting, or just give me all this advice on what to do. They would point out all the silver linings and rainbows and I just can't hear it. All I can say is that at this season of my life, the part of my life that I have enjoyed the most has been significantly reduced.
Believe it or not, I did not write this blog to be a depressing sob story. The general purpose of my blog is to share the life lesson God teaches me along the journey. Today's blog is about truth. And I have been saying - Truth Trumps Reality. Truth is higher than reality. Truth is absolute. And like I said in the beginning of this blog, I think God wants to make sure that I truly believe what I believe and that I practice what I preach.
The Bible is the source of absolute truth - because it was written by the One Who is the Truth. And like my friend said - the Bible tells us to lean not on our own understanding. See my own understanding is that my life (reality) stinks right now. My own understanding says I have been denied a privilege that the most get to enjoy. That doesn't mean my life is all bad - I have a long list of blessings to be grateful for - its just a painful season right now. That's reality.
The truth? The truth is - God is good. The truth is that He is my shepherd and I shall not want. (Psalm 23) The truth is He works all things for my good. (Romans 8:28).
When I woke up this morning, I was leaning a bit too much on my own understanding. And my reality today says that I have a ton of things to do to prepare for surgery on Tuesday and the recovery period. Housework, shopping... So I had planned to skip out on my typical Saturday morning time with the Lord. Not wise. Thankfully, I am a Facebook addict. I quickly checked Facebook before getting a shower, and a friend and posted about being too busy to spend time with the Lord. It was at the top of my news feed. (Can't accuse God of not speaking to us or pursuing us). So I made the choice to sit down with my Bible. I wasn't in the mood. I shared that with God. I told Him I knew better than to be mad at Him, but I was sad and confused as to why my life is the way it is. But I apologized to Him to trying to use Him as a genie in a lamp to grant me my wishes. Then I went to the book of Psalms - and landed at Psalm 145.
Here I read: "The Lord is loving towards all He has made. The Lord upholds those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. He opens His hand and satisfies the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all of His ways and loving toward all He has made. The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who love Him."
I sat on my balcony, grateful for the cool temperature and my orange flavored coffee. I smiled through the tears. See my reality tells me my desires are not fulfilled. But my reality must bow to the Truth. Just as Jesus Himself had to battle the enemy of our souls with the Word, I too had to speak to my circumstances and say "It is written..." After that battle, the sweet still small voice spoke comfort with another Scripture. He reminded me of those famous words in Isaiah - He bore our sorrows. He may not be a genie in a lamp, but along with my sin, He bore my sorrow on Calvary's cross.
So when I look at Jesus, the things of this world do grow strangely dim. I respond with worship and two old hymn comes to mind... On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand and It is Well With My Soul. I posted on Facebook yesterday about truly meaning the words when we sing in worship. And I mean these words:
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.
And...
Through every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.
Well, because I have "preached" this so fervently, I think God wants to be sure I practice what I preach. Beyond that, I think God wants to be certain that I believe it wholeheartedly.
My "reality" has been hit with two very difficult things in the past month. These events have caused me to rely on the deep roots of my almost 25 years of faith. They have caused to me question what I believe and why.
I have been having some health issues for over six months. I ignored it for the longest time, but when the pain kept getting worse and I was waking up in the middle of the night with pain that took my breath away, I knew it was time to see the doc. After several tests and more doctors appointments than I ever cared to have, the diagnosis was in. My uterus had multiple fibroid tumors. Many women have them and for most women its not a problem, but mine had grown too big and were too numerous. They were not only causing excruciating pain, they were interfering with other health issues.
The physical pain I had dealt with for months was nothing compared to the question my doctor asked: "are you done having children?" Not wanting to get emotional in front of the doctor, I quickly replied: "done??? I havent started." That did not work. Knowing that I am 39, she says "oh, so you don't won't children?". My initial thought was that a more merciful God would have given me stage 4 ovarian cancer.
Was this doctor serious? My desire to have children began when I was five years old. No - I didnt want kids at age 5. LOL. But I remember being 5 years old and playing with my cousin who was a year younger than me. We played house and even at that young age, we both dreamed of the day we would become mothers. We even had names for our kids picked out. As we got a little older and stopped playing with dolls, we would play the game of LIFE. Each time we landed on a space that said "a daughter or son is born" and we would reach for that pink or blue peg, we had a rule... before we put it in our car, we had to name it. My first choice for a boy's name was Christopher. For a girl, Susan. My cousin April's choices were Nathaniel and Julie. My cousin and I are middle-aged women now. Her son Nathaniel is 17 and her daughter Julie is 12. I have two cats - and they are not named Christopher and Susan. (my attempt at some humor here).
The humiliation in the doctors office did not end there. Irritated, I informed her that I was incapable of making children by myself. She then asked if I was married.. no. Do I have a fiance.. no. When would this end??? She informed me that I had to choice between two surgeries. However, she would not be able to perform them. So she sent me to see a more specialized doctor. When I met with him, he began asking the same painful questions. The first surgery I could choose was a myomectomy. I won't go into detail but the doctor said it was a "morbid, gruesome, horrible procedure" that would take at least six weeks to recover from. It would save the organ, but could possibly damage it to the point that it could not fulfill its purpose anyway. Then the doc suggested another method to try to save the organ, but it also had huge risks and would only delay the inevitable.
So this doctor's words cut deeper than his scapel. He says: "you're 7 months away from being 40 years old. You're unmarried with no prospects. Your chances of getting pregnant and not miscarrying are slim to none anyway." So he scheduled a hysterectomy for July 30th.
Needless to say, I was crushed. But two things have helped me to not remain in a state of despair. The first was true empathy given by my best friend. I say true empathy for a reason. I have many friends that love me and care about me. I have had the support and sympathy of many and I am grateful for it. However, I believe true empathy can only be given by someone who completely understands your pain. The only way to completely understand someone's pain is if you yourself have experienced the same thing. If not, you can only imagine what the person feels.
Though my best friend is married, she has no children of her own. When I called her crying, she spoke words that told me she understood. She said "being a woman and not bearing children is a huge blow to your self-esteem. It makes you question why you ever born, or at least born a woman. It makes you wonder if you have any purpose for being on the planet." Just to have someone understand that was a huge help.
Those words brought comfort. The words of another friend brought me back to the truth (not reality - truth). These words were not even spoken directly to me. I had attended a meeting with a friend at a ministry that he does. This person was speaking to a group and I was just sitting there observing. The people in the group began to ask some really deep questions about why God allows tragedy. My friend, who has been through what I would think is the worst thing a human being can ever experience while on this fallen world, spoke to the group and said: "you all know what happened to me. I have two choices: I can either lay down and die, or I can rely on God." He then went on to state an often quoted verse of Scripture. Proverbs 3:5. That Scripture is quoted so much. Its often one of those band-aid Scriptures that we quote when we have nothing else to say. But this time was different. When my friend looked at the group and said "The Bible tells me to lean not on my own understanding", it was a lightning bolt that pushed that Scripture from my head to my heart. It took my breath away when I considered it in the context of the one speaking it. To hear it quoted is one thing, but to see it lived out so well by someone who is applying it - holy smokes. I thought to myself, if he can apply it to his situation, I surely can apply it to mine.
So I have been doing okay. I am not happy - but I am not in despair either. I have peace about this upcoming surgery.
Well sometimes life likes to kick a dog when he's down. Last night something else happened. I can't go into detail here - not because its too personal - heck I just talked about a hysterectomy. But I can't go into detail about it because unlike the pain of not being able to bear children, no one that I know has walked my journey in this area. I am sure someone on the planet has, I just don't personally know anyone who has experienced what I have for the past 20 years. If I would tell them what occurred last night, they would laugh, roll their eyes, tell me I am being dramatic and overreacting, or just give me all this advice on what to do. They would point out all the silver linings and rainbows and I just can't hear it. All I can say is that at this season of my life, the part of my life that I have enjoyed the most has been significantly reduced.
Believe it or not, I did not write this blog to be a depressing sob story. The general purpose of my blog is to share the life lesson God teaches me along the journey. Today's blog is about truth. And I have been saying - Truth Trumps Reality. Truth is higher than reality. Truth is absolute. And like I said in the beginning of this blog, I think God wants to make sure that I truly believe what I believe and that I practice what I preach.
The Bible is the source of absolute truth - because it was written by the One Who is the Truth. And like my friend said - the Bible tells us to lean not on our own understanding. See my own understanding is that my life (reality) stinks right now. My own understanding says I have been denied a privilege that the most get to enjoy. That doesn't mean my life is all bad - I have a long list of blessings to be grateful for - its just a painful season right now. That's reality.
The truth? The truth is - God is good. The truth is that He is my shepherd and I shall not want. (Psalm 23) The truth is He works all things for my good. (Romans 8:28).
When I woke up this morning, I was leaning a bit too much on my own understanding. And my reality today says that I have a ton of things to do to prepare for surgery on Tuesday and the recovery period. Housework, shopping... So I had planned to skip out on my typical Saturday morning time with the Lord. Not wise. Thankfully, I am a Facebook addict. I quickly checked Facebook before getting a shower, and a friend and posted about being too busy to spend time with the Lord. It was at the top of my news feed. (Can't accuse God of not speaking to us or pursuing us). So I made the choice to sit down with my Bible. I wasn't in the mood. I shared that with God. I told Him I knew better than to be mad at Him, but I was sad and confused as to why my life is the way it is. But I apologized to Him to trying to use Him as a genie in a lamp to grant me my wishes. Then I went to the book of Psalms - and landed at Psalm 145.
Here I read: "The Lord is loving towards all He has made. The Lord upholds those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. He opens His hand and satisfies the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all of His ways and loving toward all He has made. The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who love Him."
I sat on my balcony, grateful for the cool temperature and my orange flavored coffee. I smiled through the tears. See my reality tells me my desires are not fulfilled. But my reality must bow to the Truth. Just as Jesus Himself had to battle the enemy of our souls with the Word, I too had to speak to my circumstances and say "It is written..." After that battle, the sweet still small voice spoke comfort with another Scripture. He reminded me of those famous words in Isaiah - He bore our sorrows. He may not be a genie in a lamp, but along with my sin, He bore my sorrow on Calvary's cross.
So when I look at Jesus, the things of this world do grow strangely dim. I respond with worship and two old hymn comes to mind... On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand and It is Well With My Soul. I posted on Facebook yesterday about truly meaning the words when we sing in worship. And I mean these words:
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.
And...
Through every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.
Friday, July 19, 2013
I Knew It! or did I?
I've been meaning to post about this for several weeks, but I am very much behind on my personal to-do list. It relates back to a message that Pastor Doug preached a few weeks back. His message was awesome, but it was not new revelation for me. In fact, I had prayed for awhile to hear this preached and was happy to see that prayer answered. And today was a picture of that message.
Let's start with a definiton. Relativism: The doctrine that knowledge, truth, and morality exist in relation to culture, society, or historical context, and are not absolute.
I get in these conversations all the time. I have a friend who I hang out with frequently and when we discuss certain things he will say "that's just not reality." He is usually right - its not reality. But the funny thing is, we weren't discussing reality, we were dicussing right vs wrong. We were discussing truth.
Today I had a conversation with someone and it was downright sad. Heartbreaking. I can almost feel the heart of God heavily sighing and shaking His head and saying "this is not what I intended". I could also almost picture the enemy getting a good hearty chuckle. When I mentioned my saddness over this, it was said that my ideals don't agree with reality. There were a couple funny things about that. First... they werent my ideals. God was saying "um, excuse me..." Even funnier though, was the notion that reality dictates right and wrong. Let's see...
Human trafficking is reality.
Abortion is reality.
Racism is reality.
Orphans are a reality.
Poverty and child starvation are reality.
Rape, violent crime, discrimination,... all reality.
Need I go on? All those things are how things really are... but are they right?
Let's talk about less obvious things... the receptionist works harder than the CEO but gets paid less than a quarter of what he does - reality, not right. The most difficult job I have ever worked in my life - McDonalds. Paid minimum wage. Reality - not right. We have communities surrounding Pittsburgh that people are afraid to drive through - reality - not right.
And lastly - relativism itself - a painful reality - but not right.
I was so defeated and discouraged as a drove home today. Stressed, personal to-do list getting longer, didn''t have time to stop at grocery store and was mentally unprepared for a meeting at 6. (all that was my reality - but it wasnt right). I didn't feel qualified to help a new believer with a Bible study, but that is exactly what I was about to do.
God ended up using a Bible study that I am not even a part of (I just help my friend prepare for their Bible study) to confirm me and encourage me.
The Bible study started with the fall of man. And the first page of the Bible study said that "all the ills of the world stem from one source - man's desire to be autonomous from the One Who created them. The fall of man was not about two people eating an apple. It was about folks who wanted to do it their way. They wanted to decide for themselves what is right and what is wrong. They wanted to call the shots and run their lives. God, being the gentleman that He is, said "okay, have it your way". This was the birth of sin, the birth of humanism, the birth of relativism - and the birth of the consequences. The consequences of death, sickness, suffering... oh a look at this from Genesis 3... When God told Adam and Eve what would happen as a result of their newfound autonomy...
“Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat food from it
all the days of your life.
It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground.
Hmmm.... God was planning on providing all our needs, but we wanted to decide right and wrong for ourselves. So now we work - and our toil is painful.
The next part of the study was in the book of Judges where is said that everyone did what was right in their own eyes. The result - they lived in oppression.
Before this gets too depressing... the last part of the Bible study was about grace. It echoed the sermon that Kent preached last week. It talked about the Gospel message and Christ taking our shame and paying the price for our sins. It talked about who we are in Christ. It ended with that Scripture "and you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free".
I felt validated. I know the truth - its not relative. Its a Person. And reality doesnt dictate what is right and what is wrong. Absolute truth is absolute eternal truth. It was absolute in the Garden of Eden, it was absolute during the time of the judges, it was absolute in 1776 when our country was founded by Christian men, and it is absolute in 2013.
Unfortunately for me, I cannot stop there. I was feeling good about myself - in fact, a little too good. God was not going to let me stay on my high horse. He reminded me of what Doug said when he preached on relativism. He told us not to take the time to find it in other people - but to recognize it in ourselves. That caught me off guard. There are sooooo many lessons and sermons that I just dont measure up to.. I fail, I fall short. I didnt think this was one of them.
So in my time with the Lord tonight, I asked Him to point out relativism in me. I think He was glad I asked and happily honored the request. He began softly and tenderly - "yes, Raquel.. you know the truth and the truth has set you free, but you cant get angry at those who do not know the truth and who are not free. I want your heart to feel sorry for them, as Mine does." Of course, I have to argue with Him... I said but Lord, some of these people... they know how to pray to you when they want something. If they need healing or their friends or family need healing - oh we are going to talk to God and ask Him to heal. We are going to pray and ask for His help. But they have no desire to know His heart. They can care less what makes Him happy or sad yet they want His hand to heal and bless and help. We can pray and God can answer, but His thoughts on a certain topic - well, they just arent "reality" I guess.
I think at that point God pulled out a mirror. He told me that I need not be angry. He isnt even angry. He is saddened. He is saddened when folks want to use Him as a vending machine to get their prayers answers but that's all they need Him for - like a good luck charm. But you know what makes Him even sadder - when one of His children, who know the truth, who know what makes Him happy or sad, acts in the same manner.
Like I tend to do. He showed me some areas where I apply relativism. (oh, yeah, the Bible says it - but does it really mean it literally, for today?) He showed me how I have not taken Him seriously when He asks me to communicate with Him about everything - yes everything. He showed me how I get upset because His will is not being done on earth as it is in heaven, but I am not making sure His will is done in my life, nor am I praying for His will to be done in the circumstances I face.
I am so wrapped up in my circumstances (or my REALITY) that His agenda is off my radar most of the time. In fact, I have been known to get upset because He hasnt made my reality what I want it to be. Isnt that the same as praying for healing but not caring about what He thinks??
So its a been a long day. I have been stressed, angered, delayed, inconvenienced, validated, encouraged, reassured, corrected.
But at the end of the day - I had a conversation with the Master of All Things - and He is my Daddy. And even when that conversation includes correction, it is comforting. We live in fallen world. Reality is far from right. And I am far from right in many ways. I need to be more concerned with my fallen self than with the fallen world. But He is the author and perfector of my faith and I will continue to rely on Him.
Until the trumpet sounds...
Let's start with a definiton. Relativism: The doctrine that knowledge, truth, and morality exist in relation to culture, society, or historical context, and are not absolute.
I get in these conversations all the time. I have a friend who I hang out with frequently and when we discuss certain things he will say "that's just not reality." He is usually right - its not reality. But the funny thing is, we weren't discussing reality, we were dicussing right vs wrong. We were discussing truth.
Today I had a conversation with someone and it was downright sad. Heartbreaking. I can almost feel the heart of God heavily sighing and shaking His head and saying "this is not what I intended". I could also almost picture the enemy getting a good hearty chuckle. When I mentioned my saddness over this, it was said that my ideals don't agree with reality. There were a couple funny things about that. First... they werent my ideals. God was saying "um, excuse me..." Even funnier though, was the notion that reality dictates right and wrong. Let's see...
Human trafficking is reality.
Abortion is reality.
Racism is reality.
Orphans are a reality.
Poverty and child starvation are reality.
Rape, violent crime, discrimination,... all reality.
Need I go on? All those things are how things really are... but are they right?
Let's talk about less obvious things... the receptionist works harder than the CEO but gets paid less than a quarter of what he does - reality, not right. The most difficult job I have ever worked in my life - McDonalds. Paid minimum wage. Reality - not right. We have communities surrounding Pittsburgh that people are afraid to drive through - reality - not right.
And lastly - relativism itself - a painful reality - but not right.
I was so defeated and discouraged as a drove home today. Stressed, personal to-do list getting longer, didn''t have time to stop at grocery store and was mentally unprepared for a meeting at 6. (all that was my reality - but it wasnt right). I didn't feel qualified to help a new believer with a Bible study, but that is exactly what I was about to do.
God ended up using a Bible study that I am not even a part of (I just help my friend prepare for their Bible study) to confirm me and encourage me.
The Bible study started with the fall of man. And the first page of the Bible study said that "all the ills of the world stem from one source - man's desire to be autonomous from the One Who created them. The fall of man was not about two people eating an apple. It was about folks who wanted to do it their way. They wanted to decide for themselves what is right and what is wrong. They wanted to call the shots and run their lives. God, being the gentleman that He is, said "okay, have it your way". This was the birth of sin, the birth of humanism, the birth of relativism - and the birth of the consequences. The consequences of death, sickness, suffering... oh a look at this from Genesis 3... When God told Adam and Eve what would happen as a result of their newfound autonomy...
“Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat food from it
all the days of your life.
It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground.
Hmmm.... God was planning on providing all our needs, but we wanted to decide right and wrong for ourselves. So now we work - and our toil is painful.
The next part of the study was in the book of Judges where is said that everyone did what was right in their own eyes. The result - they lived in oppression.
Before this gets too depressing... the last part of the Bible study was about grace. It echoed the sermon that Kent preached last week. It talked about the Gospel message and Christ taking our shame and paying the price for our sins. It talked about who we are in Christ. It ended with that Scripture "and you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free".
I felt validated. I know the truth - its not relative. Its a Person. And reality doesnt dictate what is right and what is wrong. Absolute truth is absolute eternal truth. It was absolute in the Garden of Eden, it was absolute during the time of the judges, it was absolute in 1776 when our country was founded by Christian men, and it is absolute in 2013.
Unfortunately for me, I cannot stop there. I was feeling good about myself - in fact, a little too good. God was not going to let me stay on my high horse. He reminded me of what Doug said when he preached on relativism. He told us not to take the time to find it in other people - but to recognize it in ourselves. That caught me off guard. There are sooooo many lessons and sermons that I just dont measure up to.. I fail, I fall short. I didnt think this was one of them.
So in my time with the Lord tonight, I asked Him to point out relativism in me. I think He was glad I asked and happily honored the request. He began softly and tenderly - "yes, Raquel.. you know the truth and the truth has set you free, but you cant get angry at those who do not know the truth and who are not free. I want your heart to feel sorry for them, as Mine does." Of course, I have to argue with Him... I said but Lord, some of these people... they know how to pray to you when they want something. If they need healing or their friends or family need healing - oh we are going to talk to God and ask Him to heal. We are going to pray and ask for His help. But they have no desire to know His heart. They can care less what makes Him happy or sad yet they want His hand to heal and bless and help. We can pray and God can answer, but His thoughts on a certain topic - well, they just arent "reality" I guess.
I think at that point God pulled out a mirror. He told me that I need not be angry. He isnt even angry. He is saddened. He is saddened when folks want to use Him as a vending machine to get their prayers answers but that's all they need Him for - like a good luck charm. But you know what makes Him even sadder - when one of His children, who know the truth, who know what makes Him happy or sad, acts in the same manner.
Like I tend to do. He showed me some areas where I apply relativism. (oh, yeah, the Bible says it - but does it really mean it literally, for today?) He showed me how I have not taken Him seriously when He asks me to communicate with Him about everything - yes everything. He showed me how I get upset because His will is not being done on earth as it is in heaven, but I am not making sure His will is done in my life, nor am I praying for His will to be done in the circumstances I face.
I am so wrapped up in my circumstances (or my REALITY) that His agenda is off my radar most of the time. In fact, I have been known to get upset because He hasnt made my reality what I want it to be. Isnt that the same as praying for healing but not caring about what He thinks??
So its a been a long day. I have been stressed, angered, delayed, inconvenienced, validated, encouraged, reassured, corrected.
But at the end of the day - I had a conversation with the Master of All Things - and He is my Daddy. And even when that conversation includes correction, it is comforting. We live in fallen world. Reality is far from right. And I am far from right in many ways. I need to be more concerned with my fallen self than with the fallen world. But He is the author and perfector of my faith and I will continue to rely on Him.
Until the trumpet sounds...
Monday, July 1, 2013
Squall Storm
From Dictionary.com: A squall is a short but furious storm with strong winds , often small in area and moving at high speed.
I experienced a squall today. This one was not weather related but indoors. It was short and indeed furious. It happened so fast I found myself disoriented and wondering what had happened. The whole storm lasted about an hour. That's it.
Last night as I prepared for the work week, I knew I had a long and challenging week ahead - and month ahead for that matter. So I went to bed early with the plan to get into work extra early and hit it hard. Well, it didnt quite work that way. I managed to sleep through two alarms - I dont even remember walking to the other side of the room to shut one off.
So I woke up an hour later than I wanted to. But it was okay. I got to work at 7:30 (6:30 was my goal) but I just decided I would not go to Curves and would work through lunch. I did hit it hard and I got quite a bit done. The funny thing is, even though the work was challenging, I was having a good day. I was listening to worship music and still cherishing the awesome service at church yesterday. I had been praying - asking the Lord for help to do my job and do it well.
For 8 and half hours, everything was good. The work was challenging and some people were challenging, but it was just normal office stress and I was doing fine. A few people were annoying but I treated them nicely regardless. I was amazed at how well a busy Monday was going.
Then - it hit. The 4pm squall. None of the events that occurred were big deals - in and of themselves. But multiple issues popped up all at once. I was trying to get an answer from someone I had emailed early in the morning. I had another person asking me if a spreadsheet was done. Another instant message came asking a question that was so off the wall but still I needed to stop and answer.
Then the boss messaged me wanting a status on the guy that had been ignoring me. All this was happening at once - 4 people needed me for something (all right now of course) and the guy that had ignored me - he asked me to do something that should have taken 5 minutes. But because I was unsure how to do it, and I had 4 other people asking me for things - it took 50 mins. That was 50 minutes that I did not have to spare - 50 minutes that I could have been getting work done.
I wasn't angry at anyone. I was just overwhelmed by the circumstances. And I guess I wasnt communicating clearly because I was grossly misunderstood - and it always gets me when that happens considering I am the most transparent person on earth.
I left work and drove home in tears. The events were not a big deal. What was bothering me is the never ending feeling of giving 120% and still coming up short. I try so hard. And this is not the only area of life this applies to. I feel like this in multiple areas. I try with everything in me. I give 120%. Yet, I always seem to fall short. I'm never good enough. (I dont actually believe that - it was just how I felt processing this stuff). Once again, I felt like Michele Kwan - working like crazy, pushing yourself, practicing, rehearsing, trying - never able to grab the gold.
I am a firm believer in "if at first you don't succeed, get up and keep trying". But sometimes the trying gets old and I am tempted to say the heck with it - in all applicable areas of life.
Thankfully, I had a wonderful evening with my friend. Was able to vent and then just relax for a few hours after eating an awesome dinner. My friend left at 9:30 and I got the dishes washed, dried, and put away, the cabinets and stove cleaned and the kitchen floor swept. Was about to go to bed when the memory of the squall returned.
The funny thing is - I had one bad hour out of the whole day. The rest of the day was great. Only one hour was bad. So why does that hour have to define my day rather than all the other good hours combined? I think its because of how I measure myself. I did give 120%. But I still failed. I didn't hit the mark.
At that thought, I had to smile. God can use anything to show Himself and today was a picture of the Gospel message. See the Bible says "ALL have sinned and FALL SHORT of the glory of God". It says that all of the righteousness that we can produce on our own is like filthy rags to our Holy God.
And it says His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
No matter how hard we (humanity) try, we cannot be "good enough" for God. We can't be righteous enough to spend eternity in heaven or even enter His presence for fellowship. We fall short - and there is where we meet Jesus. Jesus is the only one who has never sinned, yet He willingly took on our sin - enabling us to have a relationship with God. When God looks at me, He sees righteousness. Not mine - its the righteousness of Christ. Almost 25 years ago, I accepted Jesus's offer of an exchange. He said he would take my sin and in exchange give me His righteousness. So if God's sees me through the lens of Jesus's blood, why am I getting so overwhelmed because I don't measure up?
I am using a different ruler - that is why I am falling short.
As this began to dawn on me, that new song from Amy Grant popped into my head. The song is appropriately called "Don't Try So Hard."
The lyrics:
Another Monday comes and I just wanna breathe
'Cause it's a long, long week for someone wired to please
I keep taking my aim, pushing it higher
Wanna shine bright, even brighter now
Wish I would tell myself
Don't try so hard
God gives you grace and you can't earn it
Don't think that you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard
Do you remember how the summers felt when we were kids?
Oh, we didn't think much about it, we just lived
Taking our time, beautiful leisure
When did we start, trying to measure up
And all this time, love has been trying to tell us
Don't try so hard
God gives you grace and you can't earn it
Don't think that you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard
So the way I see it - I have two choices. The day is over. I can either go to bed lamenting that I didn't measure up - to the wrong ruler, or I can go to bed grateful that the blood of Jesus never loses it power and has covered me once again. I can remember July 1, 2013 as the day of the one hour squall storm, or I can remember it as the day God's strength was made perfect in my weakness.
Yeah - the latter sounds good to me.
Good night.
I experienced a squall today. This one was not weather related but indoors. It was short and indeed furious. It happened so fast I found myself disoriented and wondering what had happened. The whole storm lasted about an hour. That's it.
Last night as I prepared for the work week, I knew I had a long and challenging week ahead - and month ahead for that matter. So I went to bed early with the plan to get into work extra early and hit it hard. Well, it didnt quite work that way. I managed to sleep through two alarms - I dont even remember walking to the other side of the room to shut one off.
So I woke up an hour later than I wanted to. But it was okay. I got to work at 7:30 (6:30 was my goal) but I just decided I would not go to Curves and would work through lunch. I did hit it hard and I got quite a bit done. The funny thing is, even though the work was challenging, I was having a good day. I was listening to worship music and still cherishing the awesome service at church yesterday. I had been praying - asking the Lord for help to do my job and do it well.
For 8 and half hours, everything was good. The work was challenging and some people were challenging, but it was just normal office stress and I was doing fine. A few people were annoying but I treated them nicely regardless. I was amazed at how well a busy Monday was going.
Then - it hit. The 4pm squall. None of the events that occurred were big deals - in and of themselves. But multiple issues popped up all at once. I was trying to get an answer from someone I had emailed early in the morning. I had another person asking me if a spreadsheet was done. Another instant message came asking a question that was so off the wall but still I needed to stop and answer.
Then the boss messaged me wanting a status on the guy that had been ignoring me. All this was happening at once - 4 people needed me for something (all right now of course) and the guy that had ignored me - he asked me to do something that should have taken 5 minutes. But because I was unsure how to do it, and I had 4 other people asking me for things - it took 50 mins. That was 50 minutes that I did not have to spare - 50 minutes that I could have been getting work done.
I wasn't angry at anyone. I was just overwhelmed by the circumstances. And I guess I wasnt communicating clearly because I was grossly misunderstood - and it always gets me when that happens considering I am the most transparent person on earth.
I left work and drove home in tears. The events were not a big deal. What was bothering me is the never ending feeling of giving 120% and still coming up short. I try so hard. And this is not the only area of life this applies to. I feel like this in multiple areas. I try with everything in me. I give 120%. Yet, I always seem to fall short. I'm never good enough. (I dont actually believe that - it was just how I felt processing this stuff). Once again, I felt like Michele Kwan - working like crazy, pushing yourself, practicing, rehearsing, trying - never able to grab the gold.
I am a firm believer in "if at first you don't succeed, get up and keep trying". But sometimes the trying gets old and I am tempted to say the heck with it - in all applicable areas of life.
Thankfully, I had a wonderful evening with my friend. Was able to vent and then just relax for a few hours after eating an awesome dinner. My friend left at 9:30 and I got the dishes washed, dried, and put away, the cabinets and stove cleaned and the kitchen floor swept. Was about to go to bed when the memory of the squall returned.
The funny thing is - I had one bad hour out of the whole day. The rest of the day was great. Only one hour was bad. So why does that hour have to define my day rather than all the other good hours combined? I think its because of how I measure myself. I did give 120%. But I still failed. I didn't hit the mark.
At that thought, I had to smile. God can use anything to show Himself and today was a picture of the Gospel message. See the Bible says "ALL have sinned and FALL SHORT of the glory of God". It says that all of the righteousness that we can produce on our own is like filthy rags to our Holy God.
And it says His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
No matter how hard we (humanity) try, we cannot be "good enough" for God. We can't be righteous enough to spend eternity in heaven or even enter His presence for fellowship. We fall short - and there is where we meet Jesus. Jesus is the only one who has never sinned, yet He willingly took on our sin - enabling us to have a relationship with God. When God looks at me, He sees righteousness. Not mine - its the righteousness of Christ. Almost 25 years ago, I accepted Jesus's offer of an exchange. He said he would take my sin and in exchange give me His righteousness. So if God's sees me through the lens of Jesus's blood, why am I getting so overwhelmed because I don't measure up?
I am using a different ruler - that is why I am falling short.
As this began to dawn on me, that new song from Amy Grant popped into my head. The song is appropriately called "Don't Try So Hard."
The lyrics:
Another Monday comes and I just wanna breathe
'Cause it's a long, long week for someone wired to please
I keep taking my aim, pushing it higher
Wanna shine bright, even brighter now
Wish I would tell myself
Don't try so hard
God gives you grace and you can't earn it
Don't think that you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard
Do you remember how the summers felt when we were kids?
Oh, we didn't think much about it, we just lived
Taking our time, beautiful leisure
When did we start, trying to measure up
And all this time, love has been trying to tell us
Don't try so hard
God gives you grace and you can't earn it
Don't think that you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard
So the way I see it - I have two choices. The day is over. I can either go to bed lamenting that I didn't measure up - to the wrong ruler, or I can go to bed grateful that the blood of Jesus never loses it power and has covered me once again. I can remember July 1, 2013 as the day of the one hour squall storm, or I can remember it as the day God's strength was made perfect in my weakness.
Yeah - the latter sounds good to me.
Good night.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
A Refreshing Evening
Life can be hard. Lately its been a little harder than usual for me. I wont go in to all the reasons, but I have been feeling not at all like myself and feeling like I am simply existing. I get up, I go to work, I go home and rest up to prepare to work again. No matter what job you have, the daily grind can well, grind you. Spiritually I have felt lifeless. Knowing that my name is permanently written in the Lamb's Book of Life has been my spiritual life support - knowing my salvation is secure. However, I know this is just a season - a dry spell. And tonight, my heart got some much needed rain.
Since my life drastically changed a year ago, I have had to step away from some of my ministry activities. Though, I haven't stopped mentoring, I stopped going to LAMP meetings. About a month ago, I was asked to make an exception and attend tonight's quarterly meeting. They wanted me to be on a panel of "seasoned, experienced mentors". So I agreed. I was excited to go and finally see our church's East End campus in the city. I loved it. The two hours that followed were wonderful.
I got a little concerned at first. I was under the impression that the room would be filled with primarily "new" mentors who wanted to learn from those who have been mentoring for awhile. As people began to come in, I saw that was not the case. Most people there were just as seasoned as those on the panel, if not more so.
But when Pastor Bryan opened the meeting he said we were just going to share stories. So we did. I was in a room full of rock stars - full of people who line the pages of my unwritten book - Raquel's Book of Heros.
Just being with these folks brought me to life. So many of them have such wonderful testimonies - and if you didn't know them, you would never know the amazing things God has done through them.
I looked at Beth. Beth and I started mentoring around the same time and we went to a Fall picnic sponsored by Family Guidance. I was three months into my mentoring relationship and Rashawnda was only 12. At that time, Beth's mentee was a demon-possessed, out of control, horrible child. The way she acted around my mentee made me want to grab Rashawnda and run. She spoke so cruely to Beth - just rude and cocky beyond the normal teenage way. But Beth stuck with her. For six plus years Beth has stood by this girl and now she is a beautiful young lady. A junior in high school with dreams of getting into Penn State. She isn't perfect - she still has typical teenage issues. But the transformation is astounding - all because Beth kept showing up. Beth is quiet and humble and unless you are friends with her, you would never know the amazing service she has for the Lord.
Then I looked at Kelly. Kelly and her husband Greg were one of the first to jump on board with mentoring. Greg works full time. He has to - they have four children. But one of the things I love about Greg ... I have no idea what he does. Because his job doesnt define him - its just how he earns a living. Who is Greg? A Christ follower, a husband, a father, a mentor, an elder in the church - in that order. When Greg and Kelly's first mentee moved away, they immediately got another one. Then the first one moved back - so they mentor two boys. Greg works, Kelly has her hands full with four children - involved in sports and other kid activities. Yet they have never been "too busy" to mentor or too focused on their own to give to someone else.
Kristin. I have to be careful that I don't cross the line into idol worship here. LOL. Kristin and Chad are my heros. Chad is a school teacher/band director. Kristin gives private music lessons. My point is they both have jobs. They have three biological children who are too precious for words. Then they adopted a boy from Ethiopia. Through all of this, Kristin has remained a faithful mentor. Then Chad decided to mentor too. Wait a minute - they work, they have kids, they adopted a kid.. and yes, they both mentor. Chad once told me that he is blessed. Because he works in a school, he is done working between 3-3:30. Most men are done at 5. So he can use that time to mentor once a week.
And this ticker tape parade isnt over. Chad and Kristin had a nice house in the suburbs - in the community where Chad teaches. Feeling God's call, they sold their house and moved to the inner city.
Obviously, not everyone is called to live the life that they do. But these two are walking, living, breathing Gospels.
On the panel with me are Randy and Deanna. Deanna has been a school based mentor since the program began 7 years ago. When the boy she was mentoring in the school aged out of the school based program, her husband Randy signed up to be a one to one mentor so that the family would not lose touch with this boy. Randy spent many years as an executive in a company. He only recently retired from that position to become our church's executive finance pastor. Randy and Deanna have two biological children and two adopted children. They lead a small group and they lead multiple mission trips to Honduras each year. See they are real missionaries - because whether its in Honduras, or in Homewood, or in Wexford... they are missionaries each and every day everywhere they go. Living out the Gospel.
Looking across that room of mentors - I saw young twenty-somethings who still looked like teenagers and I saw some gray haired people who have been mentoring longer than I have been alive.
And I got to meet some people I havent met before. One lady has been a school based mentor for 6 years and she keeps losing kids because they move away. She shared many stories of difficulty and defeat, where many might have given up - but she keeps coming back and showing up because God has called her to do so.
I felt like I was in the presence of greatness tonight - and I was. Because God was there. And the reality is - its His greatness shining through the people in that room. All of us are sinners saved by grace. All of those people simply said yes when God asked them to obey Him. And because of their obedience and consistency - children are being loved.
For the record - I do have heros who are not LAMP mentors. I sometimes get accused of doting only on them. Not everyone is called to do that. I thought of Jack tonight and his amazing ministry. I thought of his wife and the difference she makes just by being who she is and obeying her specific call. My best friend and her husband are about to go to China - permanently - to work with children in an orphanage.
See tonight, I saw the church being the church. The church is the people - not the steeple. And while I was not in a church "service", I was surrounded by people who know why we are on this earth. And for a few hours, I forgot that my apartment feels like an oven. I forgot that I feel so unskilled and incapable of doing my job well. I forgot about my health issues. I just enjoyed the church. I have Psalm 84:10 on my license plate - "Better is one day in the house of the Lord, then a thousand days elsewhere".
Might I add to that - as my friend Gary did - that one day elsewhere feels like a thousand.
The dry desert of my spirit got some rain tonight. Don't know if it got enough to end the dry spell, but it was good refreshing rain - like a cold shower after running in the heat.
As I drove home thanking the Lord for tonight, He reminded me of a Scripture - one that I tend to forget. Psalm 27:13 - "surely I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living". Life is hard. But His goodness is always there. I pray I have eyes to see it more often - whether or not I am in a mentors meeting.
Since my life drastically changed a year ago, I have had to step away from some of my ministry activities. Though, I haven't stopped mentoring, I stopped going to LAMP meetings. About a month ago, I was asked to make an exception and attend tonight's quarterly meeting. They wanted me to be on a panel of "seasoned, experienced mentors". So I agreed. I was excited to go and finally see our church's East End campus in the city. I loved it. The two hours that followed were wonderful.
I got a little concerned at first. I was under the impression that the room would be filled with primarily "new" mentors who wanted to learn from those who have been mentoring for awhile. As people began to come in, I saw that was not the case. Most people there were just as seasoned as those on the panel, if not more so.
But when Pastor Bryan opened the meeting he said we were just going to share stories. So we did. I was in a room full of rock stars - full of people who line the pages of my unwritten book - Raquel's Book of Heros.
Just being with these folks brought me to life. So many of them have such wonderful testimonies - and if you didn't know them, you would never know the amazing things God has done through them.
I looked at Beth. Beth and I started mentoring around the same time and we went to a Fall picnic sponsored by Family Guidance. I was three months into my mentoring relationship and Rashawnda was only 12. At that time, Beth's mentee was a demon-possessed, out of control, horrible child. The way she acted around my mentee made me want to grab Rashawnda and run. She spoke so cruely to Beth - just rude and cocky beyond the normal teenage way. But Beth stuck with her. For six plus years Beth has stood by this girl and now she is a beautiful young lady. A junior in high school with dreams of getting into Penn State. She isn't perfect - she still has typical teenage issues. But the transformation is astounding - all because Beth kept showing up. Beth is quiet and humble and unless you are friends with her, you would never know the amazing service she has for the Lord.
Then I looked at Kelly. Kelly and her husband Greg were one of the first to jump on board with mentoring. Greg works full time. He has to - they have four children. But one of the things I love about Greg ... I have no idea what he does. Because his job doesnt define him - its just how he earns a living. Who is Greg? A Christ follower, a husband, a father, a mentor, an elder in the church - in that order. When Greg and Kelly's first mentee moved away, they immediately got another one. Then the first one moved back - so they mentor two boys. Greg works, Kelly has her hands full with four children - involved in sports and other kid activities. Yet they have never been "too busy" to mentor or too focused on their own to give to someone else.
Kristin. I have to be careful that I don't cross the line into idol worship here. LOL. Kristin and Chad are my heros. Chad is a school teacher/band director. Kristin gives private music lessons. My point is they both have jobs. They have three biological children who are too precious for words. Then they adopted a boy from Ethiopia. Through all of this, Kristin has remained a faithful mentor. Then Chad decided to mentor too. Wait a minute - they work, they have kids, they adopted a kid.. and yes, they both mentor. Chad once told me that he is blessed. Because he works in a school, he is done working between 3-3:30. Most men are done at 5. So he can use that time to mentor once a week.
And this ticker tape parade isnt over. Chad and Kristin had a nice house in the suburbs - in the community where Chad teaches. Feeling God's call, they sold their house and moved to the inner city.
Obviously, not everyone is called to live the life that they do. But these two are walking, living, breathing Gospels.
On the panel with me are Randy and Deanna. Deanna has been a school based mentor since the program began 7 years ago. When the boy she was mentoring in the school aged out of the school based program, her husband Randy signed up to be a one to one mentor so that the family would not lose touch with this boy. Randy spent many years as an executive in a company. He only recently retired from that position to become our church's executive finance pastor. Randy and Deanna have two biological children and two adopted children. They lead a small group and they lead multiple mission trips to Honduras each year. See they are real missionaries - because whether its in Honduras, or in Homewood, or in Wexford... they are missionaries each and every day everywhere they go. Living out the Gospel.
Looking across that room of mentors - I saw young twenty-somethings who still looked like teenagers and I saw some gray haired people who have been mentoring longer than I have been alive.
And I got to meet some people I havent met before. One lady has been a school based mentor for 6 years and she keeps losing kids because they move away. She shared many stories of difficulty and defeat, where many might have given up - but she keeps coming back and showing up because God has called her to do so.
I felt like I was in the presence of greatness tonight - and I was. Because God was there. And the reality is - its His greatness shining through the people in that room. All of us are sinners saved by grace. All of those people simply said yes when God asked them to obey Him. And because of their obedience and consistency - children are being loved.
For the record - I do have heros who are not LAMP mentors. I sometimes get accused of doting only on them. Not everyone is called to do that. I thought of Jack tonight and his amazing ministry. I thought of his wife and the difference she makes just by being who she is and obeying her specific call. My best friend and her husband are about to go to China - permanently - to work with children in an orphanage.
See tonight, I saw the church being the church. The church is the people - not the steeple. And while I was not in a church "service", I was surrounded by people who know why we are on this earth. And for a few hours, I forgot that my apartment feels like an oven. I forgot that I feel so unskilled and incapable of doing my job well. I forgot about my health issues. I just enjoyed the church. I have Psalm 84:10 on my license plate - "Better is one day in the house of the Lord, then a thousand days elsewhere".
Might I add to that - as my friend Gary did - that one day elsewhere feels like a thousand.
The dry desert of my spirit got some rain tonight. Don't know if it got enough to end the dry spell, but it was good refreshing rain - like a cold shower after running in the heat.
As I drove home thanking the Lord for tonight, He reminded me of a Scripture - one that I tend to forget. Psalm 27:13 - "surely I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living". Life is hard. But His goodness is always there. I pray I have eyes to see it more often - whether or not I am in a mentors meeting.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
The Problem with Positivity
Everyone who knows me, has heard my rant about the glass question. It is not half full, nor half empty, it is equally and simulataneously both. On most occassions, I can call this a difference of opinion with my optimistic and pessimistic friends. Typically, as long as the Bible does not call it "wrong" or "sin", I am happy to label it as a point of view. However, when these "outlooks" start having hurting implications to people, I have to do the right thing and blow the whistle.
(Please note: the term whistleblower is typically attributed to a work environment. Though I could be discussing a work situation here, let me clear - I am not. I am more concerned about this issue in the Kingdom of God).
I had lunch with one of my awesome friends this week. She is known for seeing the world as Black and White (and dressing to match her view). LOL. While we were at lunch she said the most awesome thing ever: "People who are rosey all the time, tend to sometimes live in a denial of reality." BINGO! After this comment, I quickly presented her with the Most in Touch with Reality Award. :)
Now, I am not advocating negativity. As soon as people hear me talk about this, they assume I am promoting constant gloom and complaining. Nope. Several years ago, when I was new to my church, I went to a picnic. I only knew two people there at the time. I stayed for a few hours. There was one individual who did nothing but complain about everything and everybody. She complained about things that happened 8 years ago!!! I got up and left. Couldn't take it anymore.
See both this woman, and those who walk around constantly seeing nothing but roses, are both guilty of living in denial. Now, if you want to live in denial - that is your perogrative and none of my business - until I see injustices occuring and people being hurt. That is when it becomes more than an outlook or point of view - it becomes a disease.
I am going to illustrate my point in two versions: my mothers and the Bible's. Those of you who know my mother know that she doesnt mince words. She doesnt believe in flowering things up - she says it like it is - shocks you in hopes it will sink in.
Her version:
You walk into the room and you see two things - a beautiful bouquet of flowers that are breathtaking and fragrant, and a pile of crap. Literally. So what do we do? Be thankful and grateful for the beautful flowers and dance around enjoying that the fragrance is lessening the smell of the crap? Or do we lament and complain because there is a pile of crap in the room? Both sides are ridiculous. Again, both sides in denial. The appropriate response: First, find out who to thank for the flowers, be grateful, express your gratitude, rejoice in them and enjoy them. At the same time... CLEAN UP THE CRAP!!!!! Ask questions, analyze the situation. Find out how it got there - not just to pass blame, but to understand the situation better and develop ways so that it wont happen again. Clean it, deodorize it, fix it.
This is where some Christians are going to pull out the Serenity Prayer. I believe in the serenity prayer, I just believe most Christians fall into the wrong side of it. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think most are too quick to see something wrong and just ask for serenity - then going skipping through the tulips (a change from roses) with Jesus and their serenity. The wisdom to know the difference can only be found by talking to God about it. When you talk to Him, you get His viewpoint. Is He okay with this? If He is, then its you (me) who needs to be changed and needs the courage to change. If He isn't okay with it - then we need wisdom on how to change it. Maybe one person can't change it, but many can. Maybe it can't be completely changed right now, but we can work toward change. But most people will opt for serenity because its easier and more comfortable AND... we don't ruffle any feathers with our serenity. Courage to change may offend people who are attached to protocol.
Perhaps, before we skip off with our serenity, we should remember another prayer - the Lord's Prayer. The Lord's Prayer was never meant to chanted in a ritualistic way or quoted like a poem. This prayer came about because the disciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray. This was known as the Model Prayer - not because you are supposed to say these exact words ritualistically. But this was a model - for what your heart should be and what your mind should be focused on while praying. I don't have time to go through the whole prayer here, but the part that applies is:
"YOUR WILL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN".
So if Jesus told us that that prayer is to be a priority, and that is our goal - for His will to be done on earth, then with each thing that occurs we must ask ourselves "is this how God wants it to be?" If it is, rejoice. If it isn't... pray, then act.
I told you that I would give you two examples - my mothers and the Bibles. Christians like the WWJD thing. Well, at least we like the t-shirts and bracelets. But WWJD? Read the Gospels. Pick one, any one. Or read all four. I have been reading them for almost 25 years and I cannot find one instances where Jesus practiced "optimism" or "pessimism". He dealt with each situation individually and gave it the appropriate balance of grace and truth.
Consider John 8:1-11. The story of the woman caught in adultery. The people were about to stone her for her sin - which the law stated that was to be the consequence. Jesus showed up. He addressed the people with stones in their hands and said "if any of you has no sin, then go ahead - cast the first stone." Of course no one could. Then he addressed the woman. He offered grace, forgave her sins, restored her dignity, and said "go and sin no more". He didn't just love her. He didn't say "because I love you and forgave you, your sin is okay". He definitely didn't say that she could go on and keep doing that because He was a loving God and would forgive her. Grace, mercy, restoration, truth.
Or take for example the death of Lazarus. Jesus had a great friendship with Lazarus and his sisters. He had eaten dinner at their homes on numerous occassions. When Jesus got word of Lazarus's death, He made His way to go and comfort Mary and Martha. He already knew that God would raise Lazarus from the dead. So, wouldn't He coming rejoicing? Wouldn't he come proclaiming "I'm here, its okay." Nope. Read John 11. When He saw Mary and Martha sad and crying... what did He do? The shortest verse in the Bible... John 11:35... "Jesus wept". He already knew there would be a positive outcome, but seeing those He loved saddened, He wept. Then - He raised Lazarus from the dead.
My personal favorite: Jesus in the temple. I recently had a conversation with a friend about Jesus being the Lion and the Lamb. (again - equally both, not either or) I told this person that most people see one or the other. God is either Hitler or Santa Claus, an authoritarian on a power kick or the grandfather in the Werthers Original commercial. There are many instances throughout the Gospels where you saw that lamb. Kind, caring, gentle, compassionate, merciful. And in the face of injustice, the Lion roared. In John chapter 2, Jesus entered the temple, the place of worship. He saw that people had gotten their priorities out of whack and were making money in the temple. Verse 15 says HE MADE A WHIP and drove people and animals out of the temple. He flipped over tables and yelled "get out"! Oh heavens, Jesus... where is your grace? Where is proper protocol? Don't you know that you attract more flies with honey? Some of those people in there were authority figures. The injustice received the Lion's roar. Why didn't He just look at injustice, say "it is what it is" and ask for serenity??
Now note that this is the only instance we see Him that enraged. He wasn't like that every day all day. But if His concern was "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven", then each instance
had to be viewed and acted upon appropriately through that lens.
So why have I given you a billion examples to prove a point? When we gravitate to positivity or negatively, it can have unintended damaging consequences. This is easier to point out with negativity. When we are negative, we can tear people down, make other things or people look bad, and stir up dissension and strife - like that lady at the picnic in 2007.
But I think we as Christians have swung to the opposite extreme - and the consequences can be brutal, though difficult to recognize if we arent paying attention - and typically we are not paying attention because we are just wrapped up in being positive.
Examples: The Beth Moore Bible study. I love it. It is wonderful. Been in it since I joined North Way - missed one session and felt like my arm was cut off. Overall, its a wonderful ministry that has brought many people closer to the Lord. However, I met a woman last year in a small group. She had signed up for several Beth Moore Bible studies. Each time she did, it hurt her. She mentioned it to the leaders, but they thought she was too sensitive or over-reacting. So she stopped coming. The woman had been married for several years but was the victim of domestic abuse. Divorced, lonely, trying to be around Godly people and dig into the Word and grow closer to God. She was constantly put into study groups with young married mothers. All they did was talk about their husband and kids.
This just made things harder for this woman. She suggested that they put single people together or at least put her with older folks whose primary focus wasnt PTA, but it fell on deaf ears and she fell away.
From a distance, folks who knew her would rejoice because she is a group with Christians and studying the Bible. We were so busy being happy and rejoicing about how wonderful this ministry is - we missed a hurting soul.
I am not suggesting we should not have Beth Moore Bible studies. My point is - just looking at the sunny side caused us to miss a reality - a reality that grieved the heart of God.
I can give many many more examples but this blog is too long already. I just worry that we have become so fixated on being happy and positive, that wrongs are not being made right, people are not getting their needs met, and His will is not being done on earth as it is in heaven. This positivity epidemic caused Casting Crowns to write a song, appropriately titled "Stained Glass Masquerade".
A few lines of the song:
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
The chorus:
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
My prayer: "Father, give us eyes to see. Not the positive, not the negative, but what you see. Give us the desire to see what you see even if its unpleasant. Then, when we see what you see, give us wisdom. If what we see is pleasing to you, let us rejoice and give thanks. If it's not, give us courage to pray 'Let your will be done on earth as it is in heaven' and then give us wisdom and courage to act to make that happen. In each situation, help us to know what Jesus would do, and then enable us, the Body of Christ, to go and do likewise.
(Please note: the term whistleblower is typically attributed to a work environment. Though I could be discussing a work situation here, let me clear - I am not. I am more concerned about this issue in the Kingdom of God).
I had lunch with one of my awesome friends this week. She is known for seeing the world as Black and White (and dressing to match her view). LOL. While we were at lunch she said the most awesome thing ever: "People who are rosey all the time, tend to sometimes live in a denial of reality." BINGO! After this comment, I quickly presented her with the Most in Touch with Reality Award. :)
Now, I am not advocating negativity. As soon as people hear me talk about this, they assume I am promoting constant gloom and complaining. Nope. Several years ago, when I was new to my church, I went to a picnic. I only knew two people there at the time. I stayed for a few hours. There was one individual who did nothing but complain about everything and everybody. She complained about things that happened 8 years ago!!! I got up and left. Couldn't take it anymore.
See both this woman, and those who walk around constantly seeing nothing but roses, are both guilty of living in denial. Now, if you want to live in denial - that is your perogrative and none of my business - until I see injustices occuring and people being hurt. That is when it becomes more than an outlook or point of view - it becomes a disease.
I am going to illustrate my point in two versions: my mothers and the Bible's. Those of you who know my mother know that she doesnt mince words. She doesnt believe in flowering things up - she says it like it is - shocks you in hopes it will sink in.
Her version:
You walk into the room and you see two things - a beautiful bouquet of flowers that are breathtaking and fragrant, and a pile of crap. Literally. So what do we do? Be thankful and grateful for the beautful flowers and dance around enjoying that the fragrance is lessening the smell of the crap? Or do we lament and complain because there is a pile of crap in the room? Both sides are ridiculous. Again, both sides in denial. The appropriate response: First, find out who to thank for the flowers, be grateful, express your gratitude, rejoice in them and enjoy them. At the same time... CLEAN UP THE CRAP!!!!! Ask questions, analyze the situation. Find out how it got there - not just to pass blame, but to understand the situation better and develop ways so that it wont happen again. Clean it, deodorize it, fix it.
This is where some Christians are going to pull out the Serenity Prayer. I believe in the serenity prayer, I just believe most Christians fall into the wrong side of it. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think most are too quick to see something wrong and just ask for serenity - then going skipping through the tulips (a change from roses) with Jesus and their serenity. The wisdom to know the difference can only be found by talking to God about it. When you talk to Him, you get His viewpoint. Is He okay with this? If He is, then its you (me) who needs to be changed and needs the courage to change. If He isn't okay with it - then we need wisdom on how to change it. Maybe one person can't change it, but many can. Maybe it can't be completely changed right now, but we can work toward change. But most people will opt for serenity because its easier and more comfortable AND... we don't ruffle any feathers with our serenity. Courage to change may offend people who are attached to protocol.
Perhaps, before we skip off with our serenity, we should remember another prayer - the Lord's Prayer. The Lord's Prayer was never meant to chanted in a ritualistic way or quoted like a poem. This prayer came about because the disciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray. This was known as the Model Prayer - not because you are supposed to say these exact words ritualistically. But this was a model - for what your heart should be and what your mind should be focused on while praying. I don't have time to go through the whole prayer here, but the part that applies is:
"YOUR WILL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN".
So if Jesus told us that that prayer is to be a priority, and that is our goal - for His will to be done on earth, then with each thing that occurs we must ask ourselves "is this how God wants it to be?" If it is, rejoice. If it isn't... pray, then act.
I told you that I would give you two examples - my mothers and the Bibles. Christians like the WWJD thing. Well, at least we like the t-shirts and bracelets. But WWJD? Read the Gospels. Pick one, any one. Or read all four. I have been reading them for almost 25 years and I cannot find one instances where Jesus practiced "optimism" or "pessimism". He dealt with each situation individually and gave it the appropriate balance of grace and truth.
Consider John 8:1-11. The story of the woman caught in adultery. The people were about to stone her for her sin - which the law stated that was to be the consequence. Jesus showed up. He addressed the people with stones in their hands and said "if any of you has no sin, then go ahead - cast the first stone." Of course no one could. Then he addressed the woman. He offered grace, forgave her sins, restored her dignity, and said "go and sin no more". He didn't just love her. He didn't say "because I love you and forgave you, your sin is okay". He definitely didn't say that she could go on and keep doing that because He was a loving God and would forgive her. Grace, mercy, restoration, truth.
Or take for example the death of Lazarus. Jesus had a great friendship with Lazarus and his sisters. He had eaten dinner at their homes on numerous occassions. When Jesus got word of Lazarus's death, He made His way to go and comfort Mary and Martha. He already knew that God would raise Lazarus from the dead. So, wouldn't He coming rejoicing? Wouldn't he come proclaiming "I'm here, its okay." Nope. Read John 11. When He saw Mary and Martha sad and crying... what did He do? The shortest verse in the Bible... John 11:35... "Jesus wept". He already knew there would be a positive outcome, but seeing those He loved saddened, He wept. Then - He raised Lazarus from the dead.
My personal favorite: Jesus in the temple. I recently had a conversation with a friend about Jesus being the Lion and the Lamb. (again - equally both, not either or) I told this person that most people see one or the other. God is either Hitler or Santa Claus, an authoritarian on a power kick or the grandfather in the Werthers Original commercial. There are many instances throughout the Gospels where you saw that lamb. Kind, caring, gentle, compassionate, merciful. And in the face of injustice, the Lion roared. In John chapter 2, Jesus entered the temple, the place of worship. He saw that people had gotten their priorities out of whack and were making money in the temple. Verse 15 says HE MADE A WHIP and drove people and animals out of the temple. He flipped over tables and yelled "get out"! Oh heavens, Jesus... where is your grace? Where is proper protocol? Don't you know that you attract more flies with honey? Some of those people in there were authority figures. The injustice received the Lion's roar. Why didn't He just look at injustice, say "it is what it is" and ask for serenity??
Now note that this is the only instance we see Him that enraged. He wasn't like that every day all day. But if His concern was "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven", then each instance
had to be viewed and acted upon appropriately through that lens.
So why have I given you a billion examples to prove a point? When we gravitate to positivity or negatively, it can have unintended damaging consequences. This is easier to point out with negativity. When we are negative, we can tear people down, make other things or people look bad, and stir up dissension and strife - like that lady at the picnic in 2007.
But I think we as Christians have swung to the opposite extreme - and the consequences can be brutal, though difficult to recognize if we arent paying attention - and typically we are not paying attention because we are just wrapped up in being positive.
Examples: The Beth Moore Bible study. I love it. It is wonderful. Been in it since I joined North Way - missed one session and felt like my arm was cut off. Overall, its a wonderful ministry that has brought many people closer to the Lord. However, I met a woman last year in a small group. She had signed up for several Beth Moore Bible studies. Each time she did, it hurt her. She mentioned it to the leaders, but they thought she was too sensitive or over-reacting. So she stopped coming. The woman had been married for several years but was the victim of domestic abuse. Divorced, lonely, trying to be around Godly people and dig into the Word and grow closer to God. She was constantly put into study groups with young married mothers. All they did was talk about their husband and kids.
This just made things harder for this woman. She suggested that they put single people together or at least put her with older folks whose primary focus wasnt PTA, but it fell on deaf ears and she fell away.
From a distance, folks who knew her would rejoice because she is a group with Christians and studying the Bible. We were so busy being happy and rejoicing about how wonderful this ministry is - we missed a hurting soul.
I am not suggesting we should not have Beth Moore Bible studies. My point is - just looking at the sunny side caused us to miss a reality - a reality that grieved the heart of God.
I can give many many more examples but this blog is too long already. I just worry that we have become so fixated on being happy and positive, that wrongs are not being made right, people are not getting their needs met, and His will is not being done on earth as it is in heaven. This positivity epidemic caused Casting Crowns to write a song, appropriately titled "Stained Glass Masquerade".
A few lines of the song:
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
The chorus:
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
My prayer: "Father, give us eyes to see. Not the positive, not the negative, but what you see. Give us the desire to see what you see even if its unpleasant. Then, when we see what you see, give us wisdom. If what we see is pleasing to you, let us rejoice and give thanks. If it's not, give us courage to pray 'Let your will be done on earth as it is in heaven' and then give us wisdom and courage to act to make that happen. In each situation, help us to know what Jesus would do, and then enable us, the Body of Christ, to go and do likewise.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
God Sends Love in Unexpected Ways
I haven't blogged in awhile. My life has been CRAZY. School is taking way more out of me than I expected. Work is one challenge after another - whether its the actual work or the corporate dynamics. I just recently moved and while its a good thing for me, I have become the black sheep (or white sheep) of my family.
So when I come home in the evenings, I am usually mentally fried and dont feel like blogging - I just want to veg.
But then there are moments when God speaks to me through circumstances and I have to process it. I have to type it out and share it and thus somehow seal it in my spirit.
Last night while laying in bed, I realized that it was a year ago that my life seemed to be falling apart. I had suffered 3 huges losses and I didnt know where my life was headed. A year later, I have been abundantly blessed. One loss was recovered, one replaced. Many lessons were learned this year and many continue to be taught.
During the past two weeks, I have been the recipient of grace, blessing, love and care like I cannot even describe. A dear friend of mine came over to help me pack. We went to breakfast and she spent all morning packing my endless mugs and dishes. Each time I get to hang out with her is like God giving me a gift - a gift that I never thought I would have or deserve. I see Jesus so clearly in her and feel His love for me through her.
Last week, my best friend and her husband and step-son helped me move. Again, you would not think that's a big story. But it is. See, I had planned to pack myself and then pay for movers. I hired and scheduled them. But my friends knew I would be paying by the hour. They offered to help me get little things out of the way so the movers only dealt with big furniture. I figured they would give me one evening of help. Well they gave me a week. Every week they worked their butts off for me - cleaning, moving, maintenance work. They saved me a ton of money and my sanity. And to boot - they purchased a beautiful new faucet and installed it as a suprise housewarming gift. On the day the movers came, they could not get my couch in the apartment. My friends ended up roping it and hoisting it from the ground up onto my second floor balcony.
They did all that for me - without asking for anything in return.
My boss - my goodness - she is like Miracle Gro on the seeds on gratitude. It seems like for the past 3 months I have had one personal issue after another that has caused me to get to work late, have to leave early, spend time on the phone during work... Most bosses would have said enough is enough. She says do what you need to do. Now I still find a way to get the work done. But that grace and that trust is a gift - one I never want to take for granted.
Yet, even with all these blessings I still struggle. My life is so different now from the way its been. My focus is learning a new industry and going to school. I have temporarily given up the Lamp Leadership Team, the Beth Moore Womens Bible study, a small group. My mentoring relationship is coming to a close (she is 18) and I want to mentor another young girl but dont seem to have the time or energy. I miss people. I miss people so much. I miss my fellow Lamp Leaders, I miss the Beth Moore ladies. I miss my old small group. I want to sit in a living room with Amylyn and Jeff and David and LeeAnn and Steve and Phyllis. I remember once such small group when Steve prayed as we were gathered and he said "these are the true riches of life". They are. And I miss them. And I am scared. I am fearful of succeeding at things that dont matter. Fearful of one day being on my death bed and regretting what I did with the time God gave to me.
All these thoughts, feelings, confusions, conflicts - they wear me down. So much good. So much blessing. So much grace. Still confused. Still fearful.
I had a bad evening tonight. I tried to go to sleep and all these thoughts came rushing in. I felt like I didnt have the right to be upset with all the good that I have received lately.
At 10:30, I went to shut down the computer and I saw an email from a friend that I havent heard from in a long time. This friend was my first mentor (unofficially). I was 10 and my life was in turmoil from family situations. I had one woman in my life who just showered me with attention. She called me Sunshine (prophetically speaking because I was a miserable child). She gave me so much attention and unconditional support. She encouraged me and boosted my self esteem. She believed in me and had confidence in me when it seemed no one else did. She was my fifth grade teacher. We have stayed in touch all these years. Hearing from her tonight after a bad evening was like a healing balm. And of course, another lesson from the Lord.
His Word tells us that we will have trouble in this life. We have our highs and we have our lows. We have our blessings and our struggles. Through it all God is our only constant. Everything else keeps changing. People, relationships, circumstances, life focus... all changing. He never changes. And I think through the ups and downs, the highs and lows, He wants to love us. But we have to be open and allow Him to love us HIS way. So many times I want to dictate how He should love me. I look for His love to come packaged a certain way. But God will not be put in a box. Tonight, He wanted to tell me He loved me and cares for me. It didnt come in a nice peaceful dinner with a friend like I thought it would. But it came in an email from my fifth grade teacher who remains my friend 29 years later.
I can see Him smile and sense that Fatherly chuckle. Its like He takes my face in His hands and says Raquel - I love you. Stop trying so hard. Stop striving. Stop trying to figure your life out. Stop trying to cling to blessings and cling to Me instead. The blessings come and go - as do the troubles. You will lose your way and find it again. But rest. Rest in Me. Rest in My Love. I will always love you - in unexpected ways.
I have rambled. But typing out this mental storm helped me to hear God clearly - and now I think I can go to bed and truly rest. My highs are still my highs, my lows still my lows. My confusion and fear still there. But when God speaks to me and showers me with His love - all that other stuff grows small.
So when I come home in the evenings, I am usually mentally fried and dont feel like blogging - I just want to veg.
But then there are moments when God speaks to me through circumstances and I have to process it. I have to type it out and share it and thus somehow seal it in my spirit.
Last night while laying in bed, I realized that it was a year ago that my life seemed to be falling apart. I had suffered 3 huges losses and I didnt know where my life was headed. A year later, I have been abundantly blessed. One loss was recovered, one replaced. Many lessons were learned this year and many continue to be taught.
During the past two weeks, I have been the recipient of grace, blessing, love and care like I cannot even describe. A dear friend of mine came over to help me pack. We went to breakfast and she spent all morning packing my endless mugs and dishes. Each time I get to hang out with her is like God giving me a gift - a gift that I never thought I would have or deserve. I see Jesus so clearly in her and feel His love for me through her.
Last week, my best friend and her husband and step-son helped me move. Again, you would not think that's a big story. But it is. See, I had planned to pack myself and then pay for movers. I hired and scheduled them. But my friends knew I would be paying by the hour. They offered to help me get little things out of the way so the movers only dealt with big furniture. I figured they would give me one evening of help. Well they gave me a week. Every week they worked their butts off for me - cleaning, moving, maintenance work. They saved me a ton of money and my sanity. And to boot - they purchased a beautiful new faucet and installed it as a suprise housewarming gift. On the day the movers came, they could not get my couch in the apartment. My friends ended up roping it and hoisting it from the ground up onto my second floor balcony.
They did all that for me - without asking for anything in return.
My boss - my goodness - she is like Miracle Gro on the seeds on gratitude. It seems like for the past 3 months I have had one personal issue after another that has caused me to get to work late, have to leave early, spend time on the phone during work... Most bosses would have said enough is enough. She says do what you need to do. Now I still find a way to get the work done. But that grace and that trust is a gift - one I never want to take for granted.
Yet, even with all these blessings I still struggle. My life is so different now from the way its been. My focus is learning a new industry and going to school. I have temporarily given up the Lamp Leadership Team, the Beth Moore Womens Bible study, a small group. My mentoring relationship is coming to a close (she is 18) and I want to mentor another young girl but dont seem to have the time or energy. I miss people. I miss people so much. I miss my fellow Lamp Leaders, I miss the Beth Moore ladies. I miss my old small group. I want to sit in a living room with Amylyn and Jeff and David and LeeAnn and Steve and Phyllis. I remember once such small group when Steve prayed as we were gathered and he said "these are the true riches of life". They are. And I miss them. And I am scared. I am fearful of succeeding at things that dont matter. Fearful of one day being on my death bed and regretting what I did with the time God gave to me.
All these thoughts, feelings, confusions, conflicts - they wear me down. So much good. So much blessing. So much grace. Still confused. Still fearful.
I had a bad evening tonight. I tried to go to sleep and all these thoughts came rushing in. I felt like I didnt have the right to be upset with all the good that I have received lately.
At 10:30, I went to shut down the computer and I saw an email from a friend that I havent heard from in a long time. This friend was my first mentor (unofficially). I was 10 and my life was in turmoil from family situations. I had one woman in my life who just showered me with attention. She called me Sunshine (prophetically speaking because I was a miserable child). She gave me so much attention and unconditional support. She encouraged me and boosted my self esteem. She believed in me and had confidence in me when it seemed no one else did. She was my fifth grade teacher. We have stayed in touch all these years. Hearing from her tonight after a bad evening was like a healing balm. And of course, another lesson from the Lord.
His Word tells us that we will have trouble in this life. We have our highs and we have our lows. We have our blessings and our struggles. Through it all God is our only constant. Everything else keeps changing. People, relationships, circumstances, life focus... all changing. He never changes. And I think through the ups and downs, the highs and lows, He wants to love us. But we have to be open and allow Him to love us HIS way. So many times I want to dictate how He should love me. I look for His love to come packaged a certain way. But God will not be put in a box. Tonight, He wanted to tell me He loved me and cares for me. It didnt come in a nice peaceful dinner with a friend like I thought it would. But it came in an email from my fifth grade teacher who remains my friend 29 years later.
I can see Him smile and sense that Fatherly chuckle. Its like He takes my face in His hands and says Raquel - I love you. Stop trying so hard. Stop striving. Stop trying to figure your life out. Stop trying to cling to blessings and cling to Me instead. The blessings come and go - as do the troubles. You will lose your way and find it again. But rest. Rest in Me. Rest in My Love. I will always love you - in unexpected ways.
I have rambled. But typing out this mental storm helped me to hear God clearly - and now I think I can go to bed and truly rest. My highs are still my highs, my lows still my lows. My confusion and fear still there. But when God speaks to me and showers me with His love - all that other stuff grows small.
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