Squall Storm

From Dictionary.com: A squall is a short but furious storm with strong winds , often small in area and moving at high speed.

I experienced a squall today. This one was not weather related but indoors. It was short and indeed furious. It happened so fast I found myself disoriented and wondering what had happened. The whole storm lasted about an hour. That's it.

Last night as I prepared for the work week, I knew I had a long and challenging week ahead - and month ahead for that matter. So I went to bed early with the plan to get into work extra early and hit it hard. Well, it didnt quite work that way. I managed to sleep through two alarms - I dont even remember walking to the other side of the room to shut one off.

So I woke up an hour later than I wanted to. But it was okay. I got to work at 7:30 (6:30 was my goal) but I just decided I would not go to Curves and would work through lunch. I did hit it hard and I got quite a bit done. The funny thing is, even though the work was challenging, I was having a good day. I was listening to worship music and still cherishing the awesome service at church yesterday. I had been praying - asking the Lord for help to do my job and do it well.

For 8 and half hours, everything was good. The work was challenging and some people were challenging, but it was just normal office stress and I was doing fine. A few people were annoying but I treated them nicely regardless. I was amazed at how well a busy Monday was going.

Then - it hit. The 4pm squall. None of the events that occurred were big deals - in and of themselves. But multiple issues popped up all at once. I was trying to get an answer from someone I had emailed early in the morning. I had another person asking me if a spreadsheet was done. Another instant message came asking a question that was so off the wall but still I needed to stop and answer.
Then the boss messaged me wanting a status on the guy that had been ignoring me. All this was happening at once - 4 people needed me for something (all right now of course) and the guy that had ignored me - he asked me to do something that should have taken 5 minutes. But because I was unsure how to do it, and I had 4 other people asking me for things - it took 50 mins. That was 50 minutes that I did not have to spare - 50 minutes that I could have been getting work done.

I wasn't angry at anyone. I was just overwhelmed by the circumstances. And I guess I wasnt communicating clearly because I was grossly misunderstood - and it always gets me when that happens considering I am the most transparent person on earth.

I left work and drove home in tears. The events were not a big deal. What was bothering me is the never ending feeling of giving 120% and still coming up short. I try so hard. And this is not the only area of life this applies to. I feel like this in multiple areas. I try with everything in me. I give 120%. Yet, I always seem to fall short. I'm never good enough. (I dont actually believe that - it was just how I felt processing this stuff). Once again, I felt like Michele Kwan - working like crazy, pushing yourself, practicing, rehearsing, trying - never able to grab the gold.

I am a firm believer in "if at first you don't succeed, get up and keep trying". But sometimes the trying gets old and I am tempted to say the heck with it - in all applicable areas of life.

Thankfully, I had a wonderful evening with my friend. Was able to vent and then just relax for a few hours after eating an awesome dinner. My friend left at 9:30 and I got the dishes washed, dried, and put away, the cabinets and stove cleaned and the kitchen floor swept. Was about to go to bed when the memory of the squall returned.

The funny thing is - I had one bad hour out of the whole day. The rest of the day was great. Only one hour was bad. So why does that hour have to define my day rather than all the other good hours combined? I think its because of how I measure myself. I did give 120%. But I still failed. I didn't hit the mark.

At that thought, I had to smile. God can use anything to show Himself and today was a picture of the Gospel message. See the Bible says "ALL have sinned and FALL SHORT of the glory of God". It says that all of the righteousness that we can produce on our own is like filthy rags to our Holy God.
And it says His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

No matter how hard we (humanity) try, we cannot be "good enough" for God. We can't be righteous enough to spend eternity in heaven or even enter His presence for fellowship. We fall short - and there is where we meet Jesus. Jesus is the only one who has never sinned, yet He willingly took on our sin - enabling us to have a relationship with God. When God looks at me, He sees righteousness. Not mine - its the righteousness of Christ. Almost 25 years ago, I accepted Jesus's offer of an exchange. He said he would take my sin and in exchange give me His righteousness. So if God's sees me through the lens of Jesus's blood, why am I getting so overwhelmed because I don't measure up?
I am using a different ruler - that is why I am falling short.

As this began to dawn on me, that new song from Amy Grant popped into my head. The song is appropriately called "Don't Try So Hard."

The lyrics:

Another Monday comes and I just wanna breathe
'Cause it's a long, long week for someone wired to please
I keep taking my aim, pushing it higher
Wanna shine bright, even brighter now
Wish I would tell myself

Don't try so hard
God gives you grace and you can't earn it
Don't think that you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard

Do you remember how the summers felt when we were kids?
Oh, we didn't think much about it, we just lived
Taking our time, beautiful leisure
When did we start, trying to measure up
And all this time, love has been trying to tell us

Don't try so hard
God gives you grace and you can't earn it
Don't think that you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard


So the way I see it - I have two choices. The day is over. I can either go to bed lamenting that I didn't measure up - to the wrong ruler, or I can go to bed grateful that the blood of Jesus never loses it power and has covered me once again. I can remember July 1, 2013 as the day of the one hour squall storm, or I can remember it as the day God's strength was made perfect in my weakness.

Yeah - the latter sounds good to me.

Good night.