There Will Be a Day

My heart is heavy today. I am thinking about two of my friends. These people have already endured more grief and pain than any human should ever have to bear, and now life finds them in yet another difficult situation.

Yet even with a sad and heavy heart, my face shows a little smile when I think about the journey I have had with Jesus. I think about the reactions I would have had earlier in my Christian walk and I think about the life lessons He has taught me that now cause me to respond differently.

See I would normally have one of two reactions: I would be angry with God or I would question Him. My prayer might have been something like "Lord, are you nuts?" or "why can't you spread the sorrow around more evenly - some folks seem to get more than others".

I have two funny stories that have helped me to not react like this. The first happened approximately 8 years ago. I had brought my young cousins to church with me. The boy was around 9 and his twin sisters were 3 or 4. After church we were all walking to my car when one of twins decided she wanted to run away - out towards the middle of a busy street! I screamed for her and tried to run but with 7 knee surgeries I don't run very well. Thankfully, her brother ran after her and tackled her to the ground inches short of a car trying to avoid hitting her. Well, let's just say I took that girl and applied the Board of Education to the Seat of Learning. (I bet you are waiting for the funny part...) The funny part was after I had gotten the disciplined one into her car seat, her twin sister came up to me and she was so angry with me. She had one hand on her hip and was point a finger at me yelling "you made Bonnie cry". I had to snicker. This girl stood right above my knees - and was telling me off. She was so mad and she was telling me all about it. It was all I could do to crack up at the absurdity of it - until I heard that still, small voice saying "looks silly, huh?" So.... that's what I look like when I yell at God. Thankfully, He sees me the same way I saw my 3 year old cousin. I wasn't angry with her - in fact I admired her defense of her sister. I understood her heart, but knew she was too young to understand. I think God understands our hearts, and knows we are too human to understand.

So I typically don't get angry with God anymore. The questioning God part can still be difficult sometimes. I don't mean to question Him in a sassy sort of way. I just long to understand. I wish I knew His logic, His thinking, His reasoning.... oh I better be careful. Someone else wanted to be like God and that desire caused His permanent demise. However, I do think its natural for us to try to make sense of things. We want to understand why things happen. We want life to be logical and we want reasons and answers for things. Unfortunately, many times there are no answers. We waste energy when we try to make things add up, they just don't.

One day, I was talking with another friend who had been through what I believe is the worse pain a person can go through. She was trying to find answers, to bring the logic to the situation. While we were talking, we were walking into a grocery store and I noticed an ant on the ground. I made the analogy of the ant trying to make sense out of what we were doing. What if the ant tried to determine why we brought ice cream instead of candy bars. We kinda got silly with it, but I said told her to be ready, because when we were done shopping, the ant was going to ask us why we shopped the way we did. Silly, right? Exactly. Humans trying to figure God out is like an ant asking us why we shopped the way we did. Absurd.

But again, God's tender heart doesnt mind our questions. He allows us to come to Him with all our messed up thoughts, questions, emotions. We can come as we are and lay our burdens before Him and we will find that He lovingly takes them from us. No, He doesn't change our circumstances typically. God is not a genie in a lamp. But He is a loving Father and His heart breaks when ours does.

So now, on days like today when I am sad, when my thoughts are with my friends and I hate the fact that I can do nothing but keep them in prayer... I don't become angry with God, I don't question Him, I run to Him. And when I run to Him, He comforts me. He reminds me that sin, sickness, and death were never His idea. He had plan perfection for us. We messed it up in the Garden of Eden and have been messing it up ever since. But He is a Redeemer and His redemptive power is so much greater than our sin and its consequences.

As I give Him my concerns and trust my friends to His care, He reminds me that there will be a day when His original intention will become reality. Revelation 21:4 tells us that He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

Christian singer and songwriter Jeremy Camp wrote about that day...

I can?t wait until that day where the very one
I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
O, this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

I am so grateful to know the Lord. And I will keep running to Him - until that day when I run into His arms, and stay there. :)

Processing ReCall

Last Thursday, Friday, and through the weekend my church had an event they labeled "Recall". When they announced it in the late Fall, I was so excited. It was going to resemble the "conventions" we had in the 90s. All I knew is I was down for three consecutive days of worship and the Word. I had been eagerly anticipating Recall for months. Little did I know that the week prior to the event would be one of hardest weeks ever. I can't go into detail, but the week hit me so hard that for a few days I wondered if I would ever walk through the doors of my church again. I got so wrapped up in my circumstances and my feelings - thinking about it in retrospect repulses me. Nonetheless, up until last Thursday, the first day of the event, I was unsure I was going. Several folks had asked me if I was going and I responded that I was unsure. I truly didn't want to go. But God is so good even when I am not. Shortly before the end of the work day, my best friend sent me a text and asked me if I was going. She said her and husband would save a seat for me. I hadn't seen my best friend in weeks and I knew that was God's way of making sure I attended.

The first night was a tug of war. I loved the sweet worship, but I couldn't let go of my personal struggle. At the end they had a time of worship and prayer and those who wanted to step forward for prayer could do so. I didn't. I stayed right where I was and tried to worship. My mentor and her husband (he is an elder) were down front praying for people. I looked at them a time or two, but I was not moving. I was looking down at the floor and talking to the Lord. Well, my mentor came to me. She said a few words that resonated deeply - I knew it was the Lord. It usually is when she speaks. What spoke even more deeply was the fact that when I would not budge, she came to me. It was another way the Lord was showing me that He pursues me. He wants a deep intimate relationship with me even when I am at my worst. So I talked to the Lord during my drive home and He showed me an error in my thought processes. (You're probably thinking... just one?) The Lord's correction was not harsh. As usual it was kind and it freed me. It freed me to let go of my issues and truly worship.

So on Friday at ReCall I was feeling much better and totally engaged. Worship was sweeter than words and the message was great.

The service on Saturday is what changed me the most. Again, sweet worship. But Saleem Ghubril said several things that hit me. First, he said "God's love is unconditional. But intimacy with God is conditional". He is right. There is nothing I can do or not do that would make God love me more or less. However, the depth and closeness of my relationship with God depends on me.

I have been struggling to maintain my intimacy with God in my new season of life. However, I think that is the reason God has me in this season. He wants me to learn to be intimate with Him without the crutch of church or other Christian activities. It's like the show Biggest Loser. It is easy for the contestants to stick to their plan when they are on the ranch with their trainers. But when they return home and get back to life, its solely up to them to maintain their health.

These past two days have been busy. I worked 7-4 on Monday and then went to school. Today work was non-stop and when I got home and ate dinner I had to decide how to spend my time between the extra work I needed to do for my job and my school work (and blogging of course). I did a little of each.
But first I checked Facebook. Priorities you know. On Facebook, Dennis Allan had posted a blog from his wife Julia. It made me cry - both their blogs always do that to me. Reading Julia's blog is like reading the Bible with drops of emotion mixed in. (whereas my blog is emotion with drops of the Bible mixed in - lol). But a part of Julia's blog was about being so busy and caught up in the normal routines of life that you neglect to tuned yourself in to God's Spirit. When you are not walking closely with Him and staying in tune with Him, it is easy to not hear His still, small voice.

One of the other things Saleem's message did was rekindle a fire in me in regards to certain part of my life. This fire or desire of mine is a hot button issue therefore not public knowledge. My dilemma is determining if my desire is the Lord's desire for me, or just my desire. I will never figure that out if I don't prioritize intimacy with Him. I have heard many people say that the Lord will not tell you what to do until you are doing what He has already told you to do.

Saleem mentioned what God has told each of us to do. Its found in Micah 6:8. "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

ReCall lived up to its name. I have been re-called. Not called to something new - but re-called to what I have always been called to. To act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. At work, at school, during the struggle to get it all done. I must learn to walk humbly with God, seeking intimacy in my relationship with Him while doing daily life. I have a hunch that when my walk with Him is intimate again, I will know which desires are His and which are mine.

I am grateful to my God. Grateful that when I get off the path He is faithful to pursue me - and to recall me unto Him.