Saturday, August 17, 2013

Jesus on the Back Porch

I have wanted to write this blog for over a month now. It is a very difficult one to write. Sharing it requires me to be even more transparent than I am comfortable with - and I am pretty much an open book.
Also, this is going to be a little deeper spiritually than my usual blogs.

About a month ago, I was hanging out with a friend and doing a Bible study. This friend had been given a little booklet from a relative and the two of us were reading it. I thought that my friend would greatly benefit from this booklet, but God had other plans. Here it was me who needed it and as I read it out loud, it was all I could do to hold back sobs while I read. The sobs came later when I was alone, but it was a good cry - the cleansing, healing kind.

Apparently, this little booklet isn't new, but it was the first I had seen it. The booklet is titled "My Heart - Christ's Home" by Robert Boyd Munger. In order for this blog to make sense, I am going to have to quote it often. To differentiate between the authors words and my own thoughts, I will italicize the authors words.

From the title, you can gather that the book is about inviting Jesus into your heart and allowing Him to dwell there. The author illustrates this by talking about the different rooms in your heart - like the rooms in a home. He begins with Jesus knocking at the door of your heart (Revelation 3:20). So of course the homeowner invites Him in and they begin a relationship. The first room they visit is the Study or Library (your mind). It then moves to the dining room (your appetites and desires). The living room was the best part. This is where you and Jesus meet and have fellowship. Intimate talks by the fireplace. The other rooms include the work room, the rec room, and the bedroom. I would love to go into all the lessons in all these "rooms" but if I did that I might as well just re-type the book. Perhaps I shall blog about the other rooms separately. But this next section of the book is what brought me to my knees:


The Hall Closet

"One day I came home and found Him waiting for me at the front door. An arresting look was in His eye. As I entered, he said to me: 'there's a peculiar odor in the house. Something must be dead around here. Its upstairs. I think it is in the hall closet.' As soon as He said this I knew what He was talking about. Indeed there was a small closet up there on the hall landing, just a few square feet. In that closet behind lock and key I had one or two little personal things I did not want anyone to know about. Certainly I did not want Christ to see them. They were dead and rotting things leftover from my old life - not wicked, but not right and good to have in a Christian life. Yet I loved them. I wanted them so much for myself I was really afraid to admit they were there. Reluctantly, I went up the stairs with Him and as we mounted, the odor became stronger and stronger. He pointed at the door and said: 'Its in there - some dead thing!' It made me angry! I had given Him access to the study, the dining room, the living room, the workroom, the rec room, the bedroom and now He was asking me about a little two by four closet. I thought to myself: 'this is too much! I am not going to give Him the key'. Reading my thoughts, He said: 'if you think I am going to stay up here with this smell you are mistaken. I will take my bed out on the back porch or somewhere else. I am certainly not going to stay around that.' And I saw Him start down the stairs.

When you have come to know and love Jesus, one of the worst things that can happen is to sense Him withdrawing His face and fellowship.


This is where I nearly lost it. I have been there and done that - twice. The author is correct. Once you have known and loved Jesus and enjoyed sweet fellowship with Him and have intimate conversations in the living room of your heart, it is a horrific scene to watch Him turn away. The pain pierces my heart like a sword. Now the author was wise when he has Jesus say that He will "move to the back porch". Because that means that He is still there with us. Jesus says He will never leave us or forsake us. He is still our Protector, Provider, and Shepherd. Priscilla Shirer says it like this: "God's loyalty does not equal God's approval. May we never equate His faithfulness to us in times of rebellion with His endorsement or tolerance of our choices."

I also appreciate how the author states that what was in that closet was not wicked, it just wasn't right - did not belong in the life of a Christian.

In invited Jesus into my heart on July 30, 1988. He and I have spent precious time in the living room of my heart. We have spent countless hours in the study. In May of 2005, Jesus noticed something in my life that didn't belong there. At that time, when I watched Him turn around and head for the back porch, my heart was filled with anger and bitterness and that masked the pain of the loss of fellowship. Ashamedly, it took until January 2007 for me to invited Him back in. But as the author says, He won't come back in with the smell from the hall closet. So now what.. let's read on..


"I had to give in. 'I will give you the key, I said sadly, but you'll have to open the closet and clean it out - I haven't the strength to do it". Jesus replied 'I know you can't do it. Just give me the key. Just authorize me to handle that closet and I will.' So with trembling fingers, I passed the key over to Him. He took it from my hand...and began to clean..."

So back to me. I had mentioned that Jesus moved to the back porch of my heart about 8 years ago. So why did this booklet shake me to my core? Because as I sat with my friend reading this booklet, I realized that Jesus was once again on the back porch of my heart. In fact, I remember the exact day He turned and walked away. Now He was still with me - still in my heart. But the intimate fellowship was not happening. After all, what kind of person invites a friend into their home but is perfectly content with them sleeping on the back porch??? I didn't lose my Christianity (my relationship) but the rooms of my heart missed His Presence.

So what was so valuable in that hall closet? What could be worth keeping and seeing Jesus walk away? The author says it clearly: "it was dead and rotting, yet I loved it. I wanted it so much for myself"


See, like the author said.. what was in my hall closet wasn't something "wicked". I wasn't a thief, a murderer. I wasn't committing sexual sin. The dead and rotting stench in my closet was simple rebellion. God had asked me to do somethings over a year ago and I looked Him right in the eye and said "no". I didn't want to say no. I wanted Him to have His full reign. But I want Him to have His reign while I still had what I wanted, and still did things my way. God isn't Burger King - we can't have it our way. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. The group Casting Crowns described me perfectly in one of their songs: "always looking around, never looking up, I'm so double minded. A plank eyed saint, with dirty hands and a heart divided."

I spent over a year trying to clean that closet. I hated Jesus being on the back porch. I was grateful that He hadn't forsaken me and I knew my salvation was secure, but I longed for our sweet fellowship. I gave as much effort as I could muster, but I couldn't get that closet cleaned.

Like the author said - I just didn't have the strength to clean it up. I could not let go.
This little booklet, given to my friend, ended up in my hands. It was God speaking so clearly that there was no confusion that it was Him speaking. He said "stop trying to clean it - just give me the key". Again the author said it perfectly: 'with hands trembling I gave Him the key'.

For approximately the past month, Jesus has been cleaning. Sometimes what He throws away is painful. I want to go dig it out of the trash. But I won't - because I am enjoying having Him home again. We have met again in the study, and though our living room conversations are still not what they used to be, they are slowly resuming. I think the more I let Him clean, the more time we will have to enjoy the living room.

It blows my mind to think that after 25 years, I can still place a higher value on things than I do on Jesus. But what blows my mind even more is that He stays. If I were Him, I would have walked off my back porch a long time ago and found another house to dwell in. But He stays. He endures the back porch and patiently waits for me to hand Him the key and to trust Him that what He has for me is better than whatever I was clinging to. And beyond that, He still knocks at the door - expressing His desire to come back in. I truly believe that my friend's relative was being used by God. The relative just thought it was for my friend, God knew it was for me. He sent a letter with someone who was permitted in my living room. The letter said "can I come back in? I will if you just give me the key".

It is my sincere hope to never see Him turn and head for the back porch again. I feel much better with Him in the house.

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