I have wanted to write this blog for over a month now. It is a very difficult one to write. Sharing it requires me to be even more transparent than I am comfortable with - and I am pretty much an open book.
Also, this is going to be a little deeper spiritually than my usual blogs.
About a month ago, I was hanging out with a friend and doing a Bible study. This friend had been given a little booklet from a relative and the two of us were reading it. I thought that my friend would greatly benefit from this booklet, but God had other plans. Here it was me who needed it and as I read it out loud, it was all I could do to hold back sobs while I read. The sobs came later when I was alone, but it was a good cry - the cleansing, healing kind.
Apparently, this little booklet isn't new, but it was the first I had seen it. The booklet is titled "My Heart - Christ's Home" by Robert Boyd Munger. In order for this blog to make sense, I am going to have to quote it often. To differentiate between the authors words and my own thoughts, I will italicize the authors words.
From the title, you can gather that the book is about inviting Jesus into your heart and allowing Him to dwell there. The author illustrates this by talking about the different rooms in your heart - like the rooms in a home. He begins with Jesus knocking at the door of your heart (Revelation 3:20). So of course the homeowner invites Him in and they begin a relationship. The first room they visit is the Study or Library (your mind). It then moves to the dining room (your appetites and desires). The living room was the best part. This is where you and Jesus meet and have fellowship. Intimate talks by the fireplace. The other rooms include the work room, the rec room, and the bedroom. I would love to go into all the lessons in all these "rooms" but if I did that I might as well just re-type the book. Perhaps I shall blog about the other rooms separately. But this next section of the book is what brought me to my knees:
The Hall Closet
"One day I came home and found Him waiting for me at the front door. An arresting look was in His eye. As I entered, he said to me: 'there's a peculiar odor in the house. Something must be dead around here. Its upstairs. I think it is in the hall closet.' As soon as He said this I knew what He was talking about. Indeed there was a small closet up there on the hall landing, just a few square feet. In that closet behind lock and key I had one or two little personal things I did not want anyone to know about. Certainly I did not want Christ to see them. They were dead and rotting things leftover from my old life - not wicked, but not right and good to have in a Christian life. Yet I loved them. I wanted them so much for myself I was really afraid to admit they were there. Reluctantly, I went up the stairs with Him and as we mounted, the odor became stronger and stronger. He pointed at the door and said: 'Its in there - some dead thing!' It made me angry! I had given Him access to the study, the dining room, the living room, the workroom, the rec room, the bedroom and now He was asking me about a little two by four closet. I thought to myself: 'this is too much! I am not going to give Him the key'. Reading my thoughts, He said: 'if you think I am going to stay up here with this smell you are mistaken. I will take my bed out on the back porch or somewhere else. I am certainly not going to stay around that.' And I saw Him start down the stairs.
When you have come to know and love Jesus, one of the worst things that can happen is to sense Him withdrawing His face and fellowship.
This is where I nearly lost it. I have been there and done that - twice. The author is correct. Once you have known and loved Jesus and enjoyed sweet fellowship with Him and have intimate conversations in the living room of your heart, it is a horrific scene to watch Him turn away. The pain pierces my heart like a sword. Now the author was wise when he has Jesus say that He will "move to the back porch". Because that means that He is still there with us. Jesus says He will never leave us or forsake us. He is still our Protector, Provider, and Shepherd. Priscilla Shirer says it like this: "God's loyalty does not equal God's approval. May we never equate His faithfulness to us in times of rebellion with His endorsement or tolerance of our choices."
I also appreciate how the author states that what was in that closet was not wicked, it just wasn't right - did not belong in the life of a Christian.
In invited Jesus into my heart on July 30, 1988. He and I have spent precious time in the living room of my heart. We have spent countless hours in the study. In May of 2005, Jesus noticed something in my life that didn't belong there. At that time, when I watched Him turn around and head for the back porch, my heart was filled with anger and bitterness and that masked the pain of the loss of fellowship. Ashamedly, it took until January 2007 for me to invited Him back in. But as the author says, He won't come back in with the smell from the hall closet. So now what.. let's read on..
"I had to give in. 'I will give you the key, I said sadly, but you'll have to open the closet and clean it out - I haven't the strength to do it". Jesus replied 'I know you can't do it. Just give me the key. Just authorize me to handle that closet and I will.' So with trembling fingers, I passed the key over to Him. He took it from my hand...and began to clean..."
So back to me. I had mentioned that Jesus moved to the back porch of my heart about 8 years ago. So why did this booklet shake me to my core? Because as I sat with my friend reading this booklet, I realized that Jesus was once again on the back porch of my heart. In fact, I remember the exact day He turned and walked away. Now He was still with me - still in my heart. But the intimate fellowship was not happening. After all, what kind of person invites a friend into their home but is perfectly content with them sleeping on the back porch??? I didn't lose my Christianity (my relationship) but the rooms of my heart missed His Presence.
So what was so valuable in that hall closet? What could be worth keeping and seeing Jesus walk away? The author says it clearly: "it was dead and rotting, yet I loved it. I wanted it so much for myself"
See, like the author said.. what was in my hall closet wasn't something "wicked". I wasn't a thief, a murderer. I wasn't committing sexual sin. The dead and rotting stench in my closet was simple rebellion. God had asked me to do somethings over a year ago and I looked Him right in the eye and said "no". I didn't want to say no. I wanted Him to have His full reign. But I want Him to have His reign while I still had what I wanted, and still did things my way. God isn't Burger King - we can't have it our way. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. The group Casting Crowns described me perfectly in one of their songs: "always looking around, never looking up, I'm so double minded. A plank eyed saint, with dirty hands and a heart divided."
I spent over a year trying to clean that closet. I hated Jesus being on the back porch. I was grateful that He hadn't forsaken me and I knew my salvation was secure, but I longed for our sweet fellowship. I gave as much effort as I could muster, but I couldn't get that closet cleaned.
Like the author said - I just didn't have the strength to clean it up. I could not let go.
This little booklet, given to my friend, ended up in my hands. It was God speaking so clearly that there was no confusion that it was Him speaking. He said "stop trying to clean it - just give me the key". Again the author said it perfectly: 'with hands trembling I gave Him the key'.
For approximately the past month, Jesus has been cleaning. Sometimes what He throws away is painful. I want to go dig it out of the trash. But I won't - because I am enjoying having Him home again. We have met again in the study, and though our living room conversations are still not what they used to be, they are slowly resuming. I think the more I let Him clean, the more time we will have to enjoy the living room.
It blows my mind to think that after 25 years, I can still place a higher value on things than I do on Jesus. But what blows my mind even more is that He stays. If I were Him, I would have walked off my back porch a long time ago and found another house to dwell in. But He stays. He endures the back porch and patiently waits for me to hand Him the key and to trust Him that what He has for me is better than whatever I was clinging to. And beyond that, He still knocks at the door - expressing His desire to come back in. I truly believe that my friend's relative was being used by God. The relative just thought it was for my friend, God knew it was for me. He sent a letter with someone who was permitted in my living room. The letter said "can I come back in? I will if you just give me the key".
It is my sincere hope to never see Him turn and head for the back porch again. I feel much better with Him in the house.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Healing
After my surgery, I received a card in the mail from my spiritual mentor and friend Kathy. It was a very well chosen card. The words were great. The words she wrote were perfect. They began with: “I am praying for your physical healing and for the healing of your soul”. As soon as I read that the tears began to fall. Kathy knows me better than almost anyone and she knew how badly I needed that healing of my soul. In fact, her next words were: “so much has happened over the last couple years...”
This blog post is not going to rehash everything that has occurred in the past two years that have caused me to need a soul healing. Rather, this post is to “see what great love the Father has lavished on me”. ( I John 3:1)
I have been the recipient of so much love and care this past week. The day of my surgery, my Kathy came and picked me up and drove me to the hospital. My mother was planning to meet us there. As Kathy and I were walking to the place to register, we heard a voice behind us say “hey, wait up”. It was my friend and fellow LAMP mentor Deb Dilliplaine. She had surprised me by coming to the hospital to pray with me before surgery. That was such an awesome sweet surprise.
Kathy stayed with my mom while I was being prepped and they both sat with me while I got the IV hooked up and what not. After surgery, as I was coming out of the anesthesia, I realized my bed was moving. I was being transported to my regular room. The funny thing is, I looked to my left and the first person I saw was Ron Kutzavitch holding a floral arrangement sent by my church. His wife Kathy (a different Kathy) has been in my Bible study group for many years and they own a floral shop and the church uses them for these occasions. I had only met Ron once before, but he is a very personable guy and he walked with the nurse to my room and set my arrangement on the table and wished me well. My mom came in the room and knew immediately what to do – GIVE ME MY CELL PHONE! LOL.
I was a little nervous about being in Sewickley Hospital. Both my mom and my uncle had horrible experiences there. That was not the case for me. I had impeccable service. Three very kind, caring nurses made me feel like I was their only patient. And each of them understood that my first priority was my cell phone and the charger! Hahaha
I got to come home the very next day. My sweet friend Kathy (the one from the first paragraph) came back to see me about 3pm and brought me some groceries. Then that evening, Kathy Kutzavitch brought me dinner. The next morning I got a visit from Kristin Radacsy. She and I had a great conversation and I was blessed by much of what she shared. One little thing she said ended up meaning the world to me. I mentioned that when I had posted on Facebook that I was home from the hospital and resting, that our lead pastor Scott Stevens liked that status post. I told Kristin that even though the flowers I received said “from Pastor Scott and Tina and your North Way family” I knew the assistants order those and I didn’t even think Scott knew. I wasn’t upset by that – I just figured the lead pastor of 4,000 people had bigger things to be informed of. But Kristin said: “of course he knows – especially since its you”.
What followed next was nothing short of a miracle. August 1st – two days after my surgery, was the day my best friend and her husband where scheduled to leave the US for China. They were at the airport at some early hour in the morning. Well, they lost their seats on the flight from Pittsburgh to Chicago and could not secure another flight that day. Denise had a peace about it though and thought that God must have some reason for delaying them a day. One of her friends posted on Denise’s Facebook that God had a divine appointment for them in the US. Well, after going to her son’s house to get some sleep, she and her hubby came to see me. I hadn’t seen them since the Sunday before my surgery and we thought that was our good-bye. Well, Denise ended up making dinner for me and the three of us ate dinner together. She and her husband would not let me lift a finger. So the three of us are sitting at my table just chatting and eating and all of a sudden Denise looks down at her plate and I see tears well up. I asked her what was wrong. Nothing was wrong. She told me that she knew about what all the other ladies were doing for me after my surgery and she felt so bad that she was unable to be here for me and make sure I was okay and help me out. As we hugged (and poor John endured all that girly emotion) we realized God had blessed us by delaying them. I got an extra day with them and they got to help me out. Denise went home and posted to her Facebook that she did indeed have a divine appointment in the US – to see her best friend and make sure she was okay. Sure enough, the next day everything work out perfectly and they made their flights to China – with their luggage.
More cards, flowers, and gifts came each day. On Sunday, I woke up and was sad because I was missing church. I knew I could catch the sermon online but I hate missing worship. Pastor Kent saw my Facebook post that said I hated missing church and he sent me a link – a link to the recording of Saturday night’s service – the whole thing – worship and all. So I got to attend church while at home. Last night my friend Gail spoiled me rotten! She brought dinner, an entire pie for dessert, a gift, and washed my dishes. My friend Susan had given me a gift bag before my surgery with multiple gifts in it – told me to open one each day during recovery. I had something to look forward to each morning – what a sweet idea. My friend John has been over several times. He has cooked four meals for me and handled my trash and other things I cannot take care of. Even my parents’ pastors have called me and prayed for me.
Why am I listing all this out? Because all this love that the Father is lavishing on me is the beginning of the healing of my soul. During these past two difficult years, I have made many mistakes and haven’t handled everything in the wisest way. And the past few months I have been a beast. The pain has been keeping me up at night and cranky during the day. I have been unpleasant and difficult to deal with. And the worst part is I hadn’t spent quality time with the Lord in a long time.
But something happened the week before my surgery that has had such an impact on me. It was the stone in the water and all these other blessings have been ripple effects. My friend was in town for a week. Prior to her coming to Pittsburgh, we had been at odds. I love her dearly but we got caught up in that Scripture that says “like iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”. And truthfully, I had been a snot. She arrived on a Monday and I had been wanting some one on one time with her to apologize to her. That one on one time didn’t come until Thursday. But we arranged to have dinner and I got to the restaurant first. I was sitting in that booth like a child sitting in the principals office waiting for punishment. I knew she was going to come in, sit down and tell me about myself. And she had every right to. I had my apology rehearsed and ready, but I would give her the opportunity to give me what for. She sits down and we chat and order food. I waited for the hammer. It never came. Perplexed, I proceeded with my apology. She looked at me like I had ten heads. She told me she had already spoken what she had to say and it was done and over with. No grudges, no hard feelings, no damaged friendship, no lashes with a wet noodle…. I kept trying to rehash it and she said “I have moved on”.
I was humbled and blown into the middle of next week.
When I got in my car, I was still stunned. Happy and relieved, but stunned. When I talked to the Lord about it He said to me: “Raquel, that was a human. You received that grace, forgiveness, and restoration from a human. Why is it so hard to receive it from me?” I realized that each time I approach the Lord, I give myself a Christian “report card”. And lately, my grades have been horrible. So I approach Him with shame and wait for the tongue lashing – but it doesn’t come.
Both my friend and God had the same six words for me: “you know me better than that”.
It’s true. I do. That knowledge was in my head – I just needed to secure it in my heart.
That night at Smokey Bones began the healing of my soul. It enabled me to receive all the other love and care from the Lord through my friends.
So tonight my physical body is on the mend and so is my heart. Both are progressing well. The printed words in that card from Kathy say: “the One who made us knows how to mend us. He is the Great Physician – the only One Who can heal body, soul, and spirit. I couldn’t be in better hands. :)
This blog post is not going to rehash everything that has occurred in the past two years that have caused me to need a soul healing. Rather, this post is to “see what great love the Father has lavished on me”. ( I John 3:1)
I have been the recipient of so much love and care this past week. The day of my surgery, my Kathy came and picked me up and drove me to the hospital. My mother was planning to meet us there. As Kathy and I were walking to the place to register, we heard a voice behind us say “hey, wait up”. It was my friend and fellow LAMP mentor Deb Dilliplaine. She had surprised me by coming to the hospital to pray with me before surgery. That was such an awesome sweet surprise.
Kathy stayed with my mom while I was being prepped and they both sat with me while I got the IV hooked up and what not. After surgery, as I was coming out of the anesthesia, I realized my bed was moving. I was being transported to my regular room. The funny thing is, I looked to my left and the first person I saw was Ron Kutzavitch holding a floral arrangement sent by my church. His wife Kathy (a different Kathy) has been in my Bible study group for many years and they own a floral shop and the church uses them for these occasions. I had only met Ron once before, but he is a very personable guy and he walked with the nurse to my room and set my arrangement on the table and wished me well. My mom came in the room and knew immediately what to do – GIVE ME MY CELL PHONE! LOL.
I was a little nervous about being in Sewickley Hospital. Both my mom and my uncle had horrible experiences there. That was not the case for me. I had impeccable service. Three very kind, caring nurses made me feel like I was their only patient. And each of them understood that my first priority was my cell phone and the charger! Hahaha
I got to come home the very next day. My sweet friend Kathy (the one from the first paragraph) came back to see me about 3pm and brought me some groceries. Then that evening, Kathy Kutzavitch brought me dinner. The next morning I got a visit from Kristin Radacsy. She and I had a great conversation and I was blessed by much of what she shared. One little thing she said ended up meaning the world to me. I mentioned that when I had posted on Facebook that I was home from the hospital and resting, that our lead pastor Scott Stevens liked that status post. I told Kristin that even though the flowers I received said “from Pastor Scott and Tina and your North Way family” I knew the assistants order those and I didn’t even think Scott knew. I wasn’t upset by that – I just figured the lead pastor of 4,000 people had bigger things to be informed of. But Kristin said: “of course he knows – especially since its you”.
What followed next was nothing short of a miracle. August 1st – two days after my surgery, was the day my best friend and her husband where scheduled to leave the US for China. They were at the airport at some early hour in the morning. Well, they lost their seats on the flight from Pittsburgh to Chicago and could not secure another flight that day. Denise had a peace about it though and thought that God must have some reason for delaying them a day. One of her friends posted on Denise’s Facebook that God had a divine appointment for them in the US. Well, after going to her son’s house to get some sleep, she and her hubby came to see me. I hadn’t seen them since the Sunday before my surgery and we thought that was our good-bye. Well, Denise ended up making dinner for me and the three of us ate dinner together. She and her husband would not let me lift a finger. So the three of us are sitting at my table just chatting and eating and all of a sudden Denise looks down at her plate and I see tears well up. I asked her what was wrong. Nothing was wrong. She told me that she knew about what all the other ladies were doing for me after my surgery and she felt so bad that she was unable to be here for me and make sure I was okay and help me out. As we hugged (and poor John endured all that girly emotion) we realized God had blessed us by delaying them. I got an extra day with them and they got to help me out. Denise went home and posted to her Facebook that she did indeed have a divine appointment in the US – to see her best friend and make sure she was okay. Sure enough, the next day everything work out perfectly and they made their flights to China – with their luggage.
More cards, flowers, and gifts came each day. On Sunday, I woke up and was sad because I was missing church. I knew I could catch the sermon online but I hate missing worship. Pastor Kent saw my Facebook post that said I hated missing church and he sent me a link – a link to the recording of Saturday night’s service – the whole thing – worship and all. So I got to attend church while at home. Last night my friend Gail spoiled me rotten! She brought dinner, an entire pie for dessert, a gift, and washed my dishes. My friend Susan had given me a gift bag before my surgery with multiple gifts in it – told me to open one each day during recovery. I had something to look forward to each morning – what a sweet idea. My friend John has been over several times. He has cooked four meals for me and handled my trash and other things I cannot take care of. Even my parents’ pastors have called me and prayed for me.
Why am I listing all this out? Because all this love that the Father is lavishing on me is the beginning of the healing of my soul. During these past two difficult years, I have made many mistakes and haven’t handled everything in the wisest way. And the past few months I have been a beast. The pain has been keeping me up at night and cranky during the day. I have been unpleasant and difficult to deal with. And the worst part is I hadn’t spent quality time with the Lord in a long time.
But something happened the week before my surgery that has had such an impact on me. It was the stone in the water and all these other blessings have been ripple effects. My friend was in town for a week. Prior to her coming to Pittsburgh, we had been at odds. I love her dearly but we got caught up in that Scripture that says “like iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”. And truthfully, I had been a snot. She arrived on a Monday and I had been wanting some one on one time with her to apologize to her. That one on one time didn’t come until Thursday. But we arranged to have dinner and I got to the restaurant first. I was sitting in that booth like a child sitting in the principals office waiting for punishment. I knew she was going to come in, sit down and tell me about myself. And she had every right to. I had my apology rehearsed and ready, but I would give her the opportunity to give me what for. She sits down and we chat and order food. I waited for the hammer. It never came. Perplexed, I proceeded with my apology. She looked at me like I had ten heads. She told me she had already spoken what she had to say and it was done and over with. No grudges, no hard feelings, no damaged friendship, no lashes with a wet noodle…. I kept trying to rehash it and she said “I have moved on”.
I was humbled and blown into the middle of next week.
When I got in my car, I was still stunned. Happy and relieved, but stunned. When I talked to the Lord about it He said to me: “Raquel, that was a human. You received that grace, forgiveness, and restoration from a human. Why is it so hard to receive it from me?” I realized that each time I approach the Lord, I give myself a Christian “report card”. And lately, my grades have been horrible. So I approach Him with shame and wait for the tongue lashing – but it doesn’t come.
Both my friend and God had the same six words for me: “you know me better than that”.
It’s true. I do. That knowledge was in my head – I just needed to secure it in my heart.
That night at Smokey Bones began the healing of my soul. It enabled me to receive all the other love and care from the Lord through my friends.
So tonight my physical body is on the mend and so is my heart. Both are progressing well. The printed words in that card from Kathy say: “the One who made us knows how to mend us. He is the Great Physician – the only One Who can heal body, soul, and spirit. I couldn’t be in better hands. :)
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