It is Well With My Soul

In my last post, I discussed the difference between reality and truth. Each day I see more of the huge gap between the two. I have spoken to several friends about it. Reality is very real, but truth is higher and truth is absolute.

Well, because I have "preached" this so fervently, I think God wants to be sure I practice what I preach. Beyond that, I think God wants to be certain that I believe it wholeheartedly.

My "reality" has been hit with two very difficult things in the past month. These events have caused me to rely on the deep roots of my almost 25 years of faith. They have caused to me question what I believe and why.

I have been having some health issues for over six months. I ignored it for the longest time, but when the pain kept getting worse and I was waking up in the middle of the night with pain that took my breath away, I knew it was time to see the doc. After several tests and more doctors appointments than I ever cared to have, the diagnosis was in. My uterus had multiple fibroid tumors. Many women have them and for most women its not a problem, but mine had grown too big and were too numerous. They were not only causing excruciating pain, they were interfering with other health issues.

The physical pain I had dealt with for months was nothing compared to the question my doctor asked: "are you done having children?" Not wanting to get emotional in front of the doctor, I quickly replied: "done??? I havent started." That did not work. Knowing that I am 39, she says "oh, so you don't won't children?". My initial thought was that a more merciful God would have given me stage 4 ovarian cancer.

Was this doctor serious? My desire to have children began when I was five years old. No - I didnt want kids at age 5. LOL. But I remember being 5 years old and playing with my cousin who was a year younger than me. We played house and even at that young age, we both dreamed of the day we would become mothers. We even had names for our kids picked out. As we got a little older and stopped playing with dolls, we would play the game of LIFE. Each time we landed on a space that said "a daughter or son is born" and we would reach for that pink or blue peg, we had a rule... before we put it in our car, we had to name it. My first choice for a boy's name was Christopher. For a girl, Susan. My cousin April's choices were Nathaniel and Julie. My cousin and I are middle-aged women now. Her son Nathaniel is 17 and her daughter Julie is 12. I have two cats - and they are not named Christopher and Susan. (my attempt at some humor here).

The humiliation in the doctors office did not end there. Irritated, I informed her that I was incapable of making children by myself. She then asked if I was married.. no. Do I have a fiance.. no. When would this end??? She informed me that I had to choice between two surgeries. However, she would not be able to perform them. So she sent me to see a more specialized doctor. When I met with him, he began asking the same painful questions. The first surgery I could choose was a myomectomy. I won't go into detail but the doctor said it was a "morbid, gruesome, horrible procedure" that would take at least six weeks to recover from. It would save the organ, but could possibly damage it to the point that it could not fulfill its purpose anyway. Then the doc suggested another method to try to save the organ, but it also had huge risks and would only delay the inevitable.

So this doctor's words cut deeper than his scapel. He says: "you're 7 months away from being 40 years old. You're unmarried with no prospects. Your chances of getting pregnant and not miscarrying are slim to none anyway." So he scheduled a hysterectomy for July 30th.

Needless to say, I was crushed. But two things have helped me to not remain in a state of despair. The first was true empathy given by my best friend. I say true empathy for a reason. I have many friends that love me and care about me. I have had the support and sympathy of many and I am grateful for it. However, I believe true empathy can only be given by someone who completely understands your pain. The only way to completely understand someone's pain is if you yourself have experienced the same thing. If not, you can only imagine what the person feels.

Though my best friend is married, she has no children of her own. When I called her crying, she spoke words that told me she understood. She said "being a woman and not bearing children is a huge blow to your self-esteem. It makes you question why you ever born, or at least born a woman. It makes you wonder if you have any purpose for being on the planet." Just to have someone understand that was a huge help.

Those words brought comfort. The words of another friend brought me back to the truth (not reality - truth). These words were not even spoken directly to me. I had attended a meeting with a friend at a ministry that he does. This person was speaking to a group and I was just sitting there observing. The people in the group began to ask some really deep questions about why God allows tragedy. My friend, who has been through what I would think is the worst thing a human being can ever experience while on this fallen world, spoke to the group and said: "you all know what happened to me. I have two choices: I can either lay down and die, or I can rely on God." He then went on to state an often quoted verse of Scripture. Proverbs 3:5. That Scripture is quoted so much. Its often one of those band-aid Scriptures that we quote when we have nothing else to say. But this time was different. When my friend looked at the group and said "The Bible tells me to lean not on my own understanding", it was a lightning bolt that pushed that Scripture from my head to my heart. It took my breath away when I considered it in the context of the one speaking it. To hear it quoted is one thing, but to see it lived out so well by someone who is applying it - holy smokes. I thought to myself, if he can apply it to his situation, I surely can apply it to mine.

So I have been doing okay. I am not happy - but I am not in despair either. I have peace about this upcoming surgery.

Well sometimes life likes to kick a dog when he's down. Last night something else happened. I can't go into detail here - not because its too personal - heck I just talked about a hysterectomy. But I can't go into detail about it because unlike the pain of not being able to bear children, no one that I know has walked my journey in this area. I am sure someone on the planet has, I just don't personally know anyone who has experienced what I have for the past 20 years. If I would tell them what occurred last night, they would laugh, roll their eyes, tell me I am being dramatic and overreacting, or just give me all this advice on what to do. They would point out all the silver linings and rainbows and I just can't hear it. All I can say is that at this season of my life, the part of my life that I have enjoyed the most has been significantly reduced.

Believe it or not, I did not write this blog to be a depressing sob story. The general purpose of my blog is to share the life lesson God teaches me along the journey. Today's blog is about truth. And I have been saying - Truth Trumps Reality. Truth is higher than reality. Truth is absolute. And like I said in the beginning of this blog, I think God wants to make sure that I truly believe what I believe and that I practice what I preach.

The Bible is the source of absolute truth - because it was written by the One Who is the Truth. And like my friend said - the Bible tells us to lean not on our own understanding. See my own understanding is that my life (reality) stinks right now. My own understanding says I have been denied a privilege that the most get to enjoy. That doesn't mean my life is all bad - I have a long list of blessings to be grateful for - its just a painful season right now. That's reality.

The truth? The truth is - God is good. The truth is that He is my shepherd and I shall not want. (Psalm 23) The truth is He works all things for my good. (Romans 8:28).

When I woke up this morning, I was leaning a bit too much on my own understanding. And my reality today says that I have a ton of things to do to prepare for surgery on Tuesday and the recovery period. Housework, shopping... So I had planned to skip out on my typical Saturday morning time with the Lord. Not wise. Thankfully, I am a Facebook addict. I quickly checked Facebook before getting a shower, and a friend and posted about being too busy to spend time with the Lord. It was at the top of my news feed. (Can't accuse God of not speaking to us or pursuing us). So I made the choice to sit down with my Bible. I wasn't in the mood. I shared that with God. I told Him I knew better than to be mad at Him, but I was sad and confused as to why my life is the way it is. But I apologized to Him to trying to use Him as a genie in a lamp to grant me my wishes. Then I went to the book of Psalms - and landed at Psalm 145.

Here I read: "The Lord is loving towards all He has made. The Lord upholds those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. He opens His hand and satisfies the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all of His ways and loving toward all He has made. The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who love Him."

I sat on my balcony, grateful for the cool temperature and my orange flavored coffee. I smiled through the tears. See my reality tells me my desires are not fulfilled. But my reality must bow to the Truth. Just as Jesus Himself had to battle the enemy of our souls with the Word, I too had to speak to my circumstances and say "It is written..." After that battle, the sweet still small voice spoke comfort with another Scripture. He reminded me of those famous words in Isaiah - He bore our sorrows. He may not be a genie in a lamp, but along with my sin, He bore my sorrow on Calvary's cross.

So when I look at Jesus, the things of this world do grow strangely dim. I respond with worship and two old hymn comes to mind... On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand and It is Well With My Soul. I posted on Facebook yesterday about truly meaning the words when we sing in worship. And I mean these words:

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.

And...

Through every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.

I Knew It! or did I?

I've been meaning to post about this for several weeks, but I am very much behind on my personal to-do list. It relates back to a message that Pastor Doug preached a few weeks back. His message was awesome, but it was not new revelation for me. In fact, I had prayed for awhile to hear this preached and was happy to see that prayer answered. And today was a picture of that message.

Let's start with a definiton. Relativism: The doctrine that knowledge, truth, and morality exist in relation to culture, society, or historical context, and are not absolute.

I get in these conversations all the time. I have a friend who I hang out with frequently and when we discuss certain things he will say "that's just not reality." He is usually right - its not reality. But the funny thing is, we weren't discussing reality, we were dicussing right vs wrong. We were discussing truth.

Today I had a conversation with someone and it was downright sad. Heartbreaking. I can almost feel the heart of God heavily sighing and shaking His head and saying "this is not what I intended". I could also almost picture the enemy getting a good hearty chuckle. When I mentioned my saddness over this, it was said that my ideals don't agree with reality. There were a couple funny things about that. First... they werent my ideals. God was saying "um, excuse me..." Even funnier though, was the notion that reality dictates right and wrong. Let's see...

Human trafficking is reality.
Abortion is reality.
Racism is reality.
Orphans are a reality.
Poverty and child starvation are reality.
Rape, violent crime, discrimination,... all reality.

Need I go on? All those things are how things really are... but are they right?

Let's talk about less obvious things... the receptionist works harder than the CEO but gets paid less than a quarter of what he does - reality, not right. The most difficult job I have ever worked in my life - McDonalds. Paid minimum wage. Reality - not right. We have communities surrounding Pittsburgh that people are afraid to drive through - reality - not right.

And lastly - relativism itself - a painful reality - but not right.

I was so defeated and discouraged as a drove home today. Stressed, personal to-do list getting longer, didn''t have time to stop at grocery store and was mentally unprepared for a meeting at 6. (all that was my reality - but it wasnt right). I didn't feel qualified to help a new believer with a Bible study, but that is exactly what I was about to do.

God ended up using a Bible study that I am not even a part of (I just help my friend prepare for their Bible study) to confirm me and encourage me.

The Bible study started with the fall of man. And the first page of the Bible study said that "all the ills of the world stem from one source - man's desire to be autonomous from the One Who created them. The fall of man was not about two people eating an apple. It was about folks who wanted to do it their way. They wanted to decide for themselves what is right and what is wrong. They wanted to call the shots and run their lives. God, being the gentleman that He is, said "okay, have it your way". This was the birth of sin, the birth of humanism, the birth of relativism - and the birth of the consequences. The consequences of death, sickness, suffering... oh a look at this from Genesis 3... When God told Adam and Eve what would happen as a result of their newfound autonomy...

“Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat food from it
all the days of your life.
It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground.

Hmmm.... God was planning on providing all our needs, but we wanted to decide right and wrong for ourselves. So now we work - and our toil is painful.

The next part of the study was in the book of Judges where is said that everyone did what was right in their own eyes. The result - they lived in oppression.

Before this gets too depressing... the last part of the Bible study was about grace. It echoed the sermon that Kent preached last week. It talked about the Gospel message and Christ taking our shame and paying the price for our sins. It talked about who we are in Christ. It ended with that Scripture "and you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free".

I felt validated. I know the truth - its not relative. Its a Person. And reality doesnt dictate what is right and what is wrong. Absolute truth is absolute eternal truth. It was absolute in the Garden of Eden, it was absolute during the time of the judges, it was absolute in 1776 when our country was founded by Christian men, and it is absolute in 2013.

Unfortunately for me, I cannot stop there. I was feeling good about myself - in fact, a little too good. God was not going to let me stay on my high horse. He reminded me of what Doug said when he preached on relativism. He told us not to take the time to find it in other people - but to recognize it in ourselves. That caught me off guard. There are sooooo many lessons and sermons that I just dont measure up to.. I fail, I fall short. I didnt think this was one of them.

So in my time with the Lord tonight, I asked Him to point out relativism in me. I think He was glad I asked and happily honored the request. He began softly and tenderly - "yes, Raquel.. you know the truth and the truth has set you free, but you cant get angry at those who do not know the truth and who are not free. I want your heart to feel sorry for them, as Mine does." Of course, I have to argue with Him... I said but Lord, some of these people... they know how to pray to you when they want something. If they need healing or their friends or family need healing - oh we are going to talk to God and ask Him to heal. We are going to pray and ask for His help. But they have no desire to know His heart. They can care less what makes Him happy or sad yet they want His hand to heal and bless and help. We can pray and God can answer, but His thoughts on a certain topic - well, they just arent "reality" I guess.

I think at that point God pulled out a mirror. He told me that I need not be angry. He isnt even angry. He is saddened. He is saddened when folks want to use Him as a vending machine to get their prayers answers but that's all they need Him for - like a good luck charm. But you know what makes Him even sadder - when one of His children, who know the truth, who know what makes Him happy or sad, acts in the same manner.

Like I tend to do. He showed me some areas where I apply relativism. (oh, yeah, the Bible says it - but does it really mean it literally, for today?) He showed me how I have not taken Him seriously when He asks me to communicate with Him about everything - yes everything. He showed me how I get upset because His will is not being done on earth as it is in heaven, but I am not making sure His will is done in my life, nor am I praying for His will to be done in the circumstances I face.

I am so wrapped up in my circumstances (or my REALITY) that His agenda is off my radar most of the time. In fact, I have been known to get upset because He hasnt made my reality what I want it to be. Isnt that the same as praying for healing but not caring about what He thinks??

So its a been a long day. I have been stressed, angered, delayed, inconvenienced, validated, encouraged, reassured, corrected.

But at the end of the day - I had a conversation with the Master of All Things - and He is my Daddy. And even when that conversation includes correction, it is comforting. We live in fallen world. Reality is far from right. And I am far from right in many ways. I need to be more concerned with my fallen self than with the fallen world. But He is the author and perfector of my faith and I will continue to rely on Him.

Until the trumpet sounds...

Squall Storm

From Dictionary.com: A squall is a short but furious storm with strong winds , often small in area and moving at high speed.

I experienced a squall today. This one was not weather related but indoors. It was short and indeed furious. It happened so fast I found myself disoriented and wondering what had happened. The whole storm lasted about an hour. That's it.

Last night as I prepared for the work week, I knew I had a long and challenging week ahead - and month ahead for that matter. So I went to bed early with the plan to get into work extra early and hit it hard. Well, it didnt quite work that way. I managed to sleep through two alarms - I dont even remember walking to the other side of the room to shut one off.

So I woke up an hour later than I wanted to. But it was okay. I got to work at 7:30 (6:30 was my goal) but I just decided I would not go to Curves and would work through lunch. I did hit it hard and I got quite a bit done. The funny thing is, even though the work was challenging, I was having a good day. I was listening to worship music and still cherishing the awesome service at church yesterday. I had been praying - asking the Lord for help to do my job and do it well.

For 8 and half hours, everything was good. The work was challenging and some people were challenging, but it was just normal office stress and I was doing fine. A few people were annoying but I treated them nicely regardless. I was amazed at how well a busy Monday was going.

Then - it hit. The 4pm squall. None of the events that occurred were big deals - in and of themselves. But multiple issues popped up all at once. I was trying to get an answer from someone I had emailed early in the morning. I had another person asking me if a spreadsheet was done. Another instant message came asking a question that was so off the wall but still I needed to stop and answer.
Then the boss messaged me wanting a status on the guy that had been ignoring me. All this was happening at once - 4 people needed me for something (all right now of course) and the guy that had ignored me - he asked me to do something that should have taken 5 minutes. But because I was unsure how to do it, and I had 4 other people asking me for things - it took 50 mins. That was 50 minutes that I did not have to spare - 50 minutes that I could have been getting work done.

I wasn't angry at anyone. I was just overwhelmed by the circumstances. And I guess I wasnt communicating clearly because I was grossly misunderstood - and it always gets me when that happens considering I am the most transparent person on earth.

I left work and drove home in tears. The events were not a big deal. What was bothering me is the never ending feeling of giving 120% and still coming up short. I try so hard. And this is not the only area of life this applies to. I feel like this in multiple areas. I try with everything in me. I give 120%. Yet, I always seem to fall short. I'm never good enough. (I dont actually believe that - it was just how I felt processing this stuff). Once again, I felt like Michele Kwan - working like crazy, pushing yourself, practicing, rehearsing, trying - never able to grab the gold.

I am a firm believer in "if at first you don't succeed, get up and keep trying". But sometimes the trying gets old and I am tempted to say the heck with it - in all applicable areas of life.

Thankfully, I had a wonderful evening with my friend. Was able to vent and then just relax for a few hours after eating an awesome dinner. My friend left at 9:30 and I got the dishes washed, dried, and put away, the cabinets and stove cleaned and the kitchen floor swept. Was about to go to bed when the memory of the squall returned.

The funny thing is - I had one bad hour out of the whole day. The rest of the day was great. Only one hour was bad. So why does that hour have to define my day rather than all the other good hours combined? I think its because of how I measure myself. I did give 120%. But I still failed. I didn't hit the mark.

At that thought, I had to smile. God can use anything to show Himself and today was a picture of the Gospel message. See the Bible says "ALL have sinned and FALL SHORT of the glory of God". It says that all of the righteousness that we can produce on our own is like filthy rags to our Holy God.
And it says His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

No matter how hard we (humanity) try, we cannot be "good enough" for God. We can't be righteous enough to spend eternity in heaven or even enter His presence for fellowship. We fall short - and there is where we meet Jesus. Jesus is the only one who has never sinned, yet He willingly took on our sin - enabling us to have a relationship with God. When God looks at me, He sees righteousness. Not mine - its the righteousness of Christ. Almost 25 years ago, I accepted Jesus's offer of an exchange. He said he would take my sin and in exchange give me His righteousness. So if God's sees me through the lens of Jesus's blood, why am I getting so overwhelmed because I don't measure up?
I am using a different ruler - that is why I am falling short.

As this began to dawn on me, that new song from Amy Grant popped into my head. The song is appropriately called "Don't Try So Hard."

The lyrics:

Another Monday comes and I just wanna breathe
'Cause it's a long, long week for someone wired to please
I keep taking my aim, pushing it higher
Wanna shine bright, even brighter now
Wish I would tell myself

Don't try so hard
God gives you grace and you can't earn it
Don't think that you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard

Do you remember how the summers felt when we were kids?
Oh, we didn't think much about it, we just lived
Taking our time, beautiful leisure
When did we start, trying to measure up
And all this time, love has been trying to tell us

Don't try so hard
God gives you grace and you can't earn it
Don't think that you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard


So the way I see it - I have two choices. The day is over. I can either go to bed lamenting that I didn't measure up - to the wrong ruler, or I can go to bed grateful that the blood of Jesus never loses it power and has covered me once again. I can remember July 1, 2013 as the day of the one hour squall storm, or I can remember it as the day God's strength was made perfect in my weakness.

Yeah - the latter sounds good to me.

Good night.