I use this blog to highlight my walk with the Lord and the journey of sanctification He has me on. Each day, in every circumstance, He is using the events of my life to chisel away at my sin nature and conform me to be more like Jesus. The process is slow and will not be completed until I see Jesus face to face.
I make this point to say that it is my hope that through the stories I share in this blog, that my readers will see past the physical circumstances and events that I discuss in this blog, and get a glimpse of the heart and hand of God that is constantly at work in me. As I have said many times, I love how deeply personal Jesus is – and I pray that aspect of His nature shines through these posts more than the life happenings I share.
This week, I fell off the deep end. I worked myself up to record high stress levels, needlessly of course, but to the point of physical and mental exhaustion. My self-created stress caused so much mental noise, I could not hear God’s still small voice whispering peace to me. Last night, at a leaders meeting for the Moore and More Womens Bible Study leaders, God got my attention. I love how sweet He is. Although I could not hear His whisper, He did not shout to get my attention. Imagine the scene of a young hyper child trying to tell their Father how they feel. The child is talking a mile a minute to the point of losing touch with reality. The Father has two choices to get the child’s attention: a slap across the face, or gently cupping His hands around the child’s face and lifting the child’s eyes to meet His own. That is how my heavenly Father chose to get my attention last night.
I had allowed myself to become overly stressed about the Cambodia Night event I am hosting at my church next Saturday, March 10th. Although I am excited about the event, I originally did not want to do it. With events like this, the investment typically outweighs the outcome. After much time in prayer and a few meetings with people, it was clear that God wanted me to do this event. He confirmed it several times and in several different ways, so I obeyed. As the date drew closer, I encounter two obstacles – the enemy of my soul and my sin nature.
The enemy of my soul hit me with an avalanche of discouragement. Some of it was internal thoughts: “This is a waste of time and money. Who do you think you are? No one cares. What will people think of you. They may find you boring or overbearing. They’re secretly laughing or rolling their eyes. Raquel, your family will not be there. They don’t care. This isn’t important to them. They’re rolling their eyes for sure”.
Other sources of discouragement came from other people. They were well intended, trying to save me from disappointment, but their words were discouraging nonetheless: “Raquel, the church is missioned out. There are too many missionaries and not enough funds for every endeavor. Raquel, you’re doing all of this and 10 people will show up. The technology never works for things like this. It has always failed before, best to not try. Raquel, you’re doing much. …”
Although these thoughts began to weigh me down, I recognized their source and knew how to fight them. I took every thought captive and combatted each one with Scripture. After days of this battle, I got a little weary and I failed to recognize when my sin nature began to take over.
Everyone who knows me knows that I have OCD tendencies. My day can get ruined by finding that teaspoons have been intermingled with tablespoons in the office kitchen. (I’m working on it).
On the positive side of OCD, I believe that anything we decide to do should be done with excellence. We ought to do our best or not do it all. As I planned this event, I tried to apply the “Do Unto Others” principle as best I could. I imagined myself as a guest and thought about what would make it worth my time and make it an enjoyable experience for me.
While the intent is good, aiming for perfection while knowing it cannot be attained is a recipe for heartache. I soon became entangled in all the minute details. I had set a budget, spent my budget and added help from very good friends and still was unable to create the vision I had in my mind. I didn’t have good enough party favors. I couldn’t come up with free or cheap centerpieces for the tables. I didn’t have time to gather donations for a silent auction. And the worst tragedy – I could not find a way to get coffee and tea at a reasonable price. Heavens! You just can’t eat cake without coffee or tea!
The snowball of worries was tumbling downhill rapidly. What if it snows? No one will come. What if technology fails. What if the Cambodian caterer forgets to make the food? There is another event in that room until 3pm. I am scheduled to take it over at 4 – what if they run late or the maintenance staff forgets to reset the room. My mind spiraled to the point of acting like my salvation hinged on this thing. It was ridiculous.
Last night, as Veronica Reilly spoke to the ladies, God used her words to gently cup His hands around my face and lift my frantic eyes to His. Veronica was speaking about journaling and gave examples of making highlights of Scriptures or other life principles that God speaks to us. As I listened, I began to recall certain verses that I have memorized or certain things the Lord has taught me. The first thing I heard was “come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. My yoke is easy and my burden is light”. I appreciated the Lords invitation to come to Him and rest and an easy burden sounded great. Before I could take Him up on His offer, I began to chastise myself for letting my thoughts and concerns get so out of hand. I know better. I know to trust Him. All I was supposed to do was be obedient and leave the outcomes to Him. I knew that – but I had failed to live it. This was not the way to come to Him and have my burdens relieved – I was adding a burden of guilt.
The next verse I heard was I Peter 5:7 – Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you. I heard the Holy Spirit softly speak to my heart and tell me that He was not chastising me so I did not need to chastise myself, I only needed to turn away from my self-induced stress and give it to Him.
As the night went on and Veronica continued to share, several points in her talk pointed me to the nature of my Father. I remembered that He loves us enough to count the hairs on our head. I remember that He cares about all the details of our lives, big and small. As I meditated on the cast your cares Scripture, I realized that I had a slightly incorrect understanding of that verse. I had believed that casting my cares meant to simply forget about them. I thought I was supposed to know that Jesus was fully in control and therefore my cares were stupid and pointless and I should just “cast them away” or forget about them. In that moment, the Holy Spirit highlighted the preposition in that verse. Cast your cares ON Him. It did not instruct us to forget about our cares or cast them into the wind… it was telling us to cast them ONTO Him – to bring our cares to Him like a child would bring their homework that they just can’t understand to their parent for help.
So as the leaders were talking and praying together for the upcoming study, I brought my cares about this event to the Lord, one by one. I imagined my face still cupped in His big loving hands as I began:
Father, what if it snows – no one will come. My daughter, I will bring the right people. I can do more with two people that you can do with 70. Let me handle the attendance.
Father, what if technology fails? What if the video doesn’t work? People will be disappointed.
My daughter, when I walked the earth, I did not have technology and I changed the world. I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. I can accomplish my goal with or without technology.
Father, I didn’t have time to get donations for a silent auction. My daughter, did I tell you to have silent auction? Remember, what I initiate, I permeate; what you initiate, you have to sustain. If I didn’t ask for it or allow it, you don’t need it.
Father, I don’t have a way to keep the 80 bottles of water cold. I hate drinking room temperature water. I don’t want my guests to drink room temperature water. My daughter, each week during the Beth Moore Bible studies, you put out pitchers of ice. You already have plastic cups. Your guests can pour their bottled water over ice. (why didn’t I think of that – duh).
Father, the only party favors I have are bookmarks. I wanted to do more. I wanted to show the people I am thankful that they came. My daughter, when you go to a party (He reminded me of the Christmas tea that my mentor always hosts in December) do you go with the thought of what you’ll walk out with?
No, Father – I go to see my friends and enjoy their company. Exactly, and that is why your friends are coming.
Father, I invested so much. What if the outcome is less than the investment? My daughter, who did you invest for? I desire obedience, not sacrifice. I Samuel 15:22. Your investment was an act of obedience to Me. What I do or don’t do with the investment is not your worry. Remember, many are the plans of man’s heart, but it is My purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21 That is part of the testimony you plan to share.
Father, my family is not coming. My mom is still recovering from back surgery. She can’t sit very long and can’t handle a large crowd. I understand that. But none of my family is coming, it just feels strange. Oh daughter, your family is coming. Years ago, I taught you MY definition of family found in Matthew 12:48. You have understood this principle better than most. Society says that blood is thicker than water. That concept is not found in my Word. Your family has committed to being there for you.
And that was all I needed. The stress was gone, His peace filled me, and I was once again able to leave this event in His capable hands. At the end of the evening, one of the ladies at my table prayed “Lord, help us to get out of our own way and to not be a hinderance to ourselves.” It was all I could do to not laugh out loud. She prayed that prayer in reference to the ladies Bible study that will begin next week. But her prayer was God’s final instruction to me and I committed to getting out of my own way.
I love how loving and tender my Father is. I love how He cares and how He loves. It’s amazing how he can use a leaders meeting with 20+ people to speak so specifically to my need.
For the next week and throughout the evening on March 10th, whether I have 70 people or 7, rain, snow or sun… I am committed to staying out of my own way. His way is so much better.
And…. I found a way to have coffee and tea at a reasonable price.
