When the Brain and Heart Go Separate Directions

Since my church is in the middle of message series called Wonderstruck: Recapturing the Awe of God, many of us have been posting to Facebook pictures and things that cause us to be wonder struck in some way or another. My Facebook post this morning was a good one. I posted about my biological father. I have never met the man a day in my life. I know very little about him. I know his name and his approximate age. I do not even know if he is alive or dead. I’ve never even seen a picture. However, my mom tells me that I have his personality. I think like him and act like him. I understand genetics when it comes to physical attributes, but to think that I have the personality of someone that I have not spent one second of time with…. that level of genetic inheritance causes me to be, well, wonder struck.

If I had only known when I posted this morning that the evening events would again prove this fact, I might have mentioned in my post that these personality traits are not good ones.

Once again, God used an event at school to illustrate a spiritual principle. I am glad that He is patient with me and continues to instruct me through these life lessons. Although I am one of the most transparent people on the planet, even I am quite a bit embarrassed by this story. I will share it though in order to share the spiritual application.

Tonight was my final exam in my Managerial Accounting class. I tend to be overly concerned about my grades (in my mind anything that isn’t an A is an F) and therefore I spent a good deal of time studying and preparing for this exam. I studied 5 hours the night before, 40 minutes during lunch, and 90 minutes directly before class. I knew the material. It was not overly difficult. Only the volume of material I needed to know scared me a bit. I was concerned that I would focus too much on one concept at the expense of others.

I was slightly stressed all day but I kept telling myself things that my Beginning Accounting professor taught us. He would say “this is not your life; it is just an Accounting test” and “do your best but keep things in perspective”. I rehearsed these truths over and over all day.

Here is the funny (or insane) part: my overall average for the class before the final exam was a 98%. The only way I could not have an A for the final grade would be if I scored a 72% or lower on this final exam – an unlikely event. So I didn’t want to be over confident, but I felt pretty sure my coveted A was in the bag.

So I start the exam and for the first two pages everything is fine. Page three contained some true and false questions that confused me. There were three of them I was not sure about and I began to get concepts mixed up. I started to panic. I put my pencil down, re-read the questions and tried to just think them through. All of sudden my neck was killing me and I got so hot I was profusely sweating. Nausea followed and I got a little dizzy. I seriously thought I was going to throw up on the table. I looked at the professor and asked if I could step out to get a drink of water. She seemed to hesitate. A student leaving the class in the middle of a test could be an opportunity for them to cheat. So I told her I felt I was going to throw up and I would only go as far as the water fountain, which she and the other students could see from the classroom. She consented. I took a drink of water and tried to breathe. I chastised myself for getting that worked up. I went back in the classroom and the professor asked if I wanted a mint and I accepted. I then resumed taking the exam. Two minutes later there is a tablet being placed under my nose. The professor had taken a tablet and had written in bold capital letters “RELAX!!!!! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY NOT GET AN A IN THIS CLASS!!!!!!” I laughed and that laughter released just enough endorphins to chase the nausea away. Even though I was one of the last students to finish, I am confident I got higher than a 72.

As I sat in my car in Carlow’s parking lot, I felt embarrassed by what had just occurred. I remembered this morning’s Facebook post. My biological father would have done exactly what I did. Unfortunately, this is more than just a funny personality trait. This is a character flaw. Well, at least I am consistent. This character flaw not only occurs at school, but in every area of my life – including my spiritual life.

The character flaw is this: The information I know in my brain somehow has trouble getting down to my heart. Time and time again, when an unexpected storm of life occurs, my heart runs amok and takes over, shutting down my brain and all its knowledge. Even worse, most times the storm is not even real – it’s all internal.

In regards to this test, my brain knew everything it needed to know. I am not referring to the material on the exam. My brain knew that it was just an Accounting test. My brain knew I would more than likely have an A for the class. My brain knew that this test, the class, or even my educational goals have absolutely no eternal significance whatsoever.
If my brain knew that, why didn’t my heart follow? Why couldn’t I use the truth of what I knew to keep my emotions calm and in check?

This happens far too often in my spiritual walk. I know everything I am supposed to know. I believe God’s Word is 100% true. The Bible says that He has given us everything we need for life and Godliness. God has proven to me personally countless times that He is a Good Father, a perfect Shepherd, a Faithful Provider, a Diligent Protector, a Constant Companion, and the Savior of my soul. I know that I know that I know that He is working all things for my good and nothing can separate me from Him.

Yet, more often that not, when life brings me a small storm or a slight bump in the road, I react just the way I did in class tonight. When the storm ends and everything is fine, I wonder why I acted that way when I knew God was in control the whole time. Why can’t my brain get my heart under control?

Scripture identifies and confirms my problem. Jeremiah 17:9 NLT says: “the human heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can understand it?”
Of course there is the infamous Romans 7… “What I want to do I do not do and what I hate to do that I find myself doing”. AMEN!

Thankfully, Scripture not only identifies my problem. It provides a solution. However, that solution is no quick fix. It is a process called sanctification. Sanctification occurs, albeit for some more slowly than others, when one spends time with the Lord and allows the Master Potter to have their heart and slowly change it from a heart that is deceitful and wicked to a heart that is like Christ.

I have been in relationship with Jesus for 27 years. I am sorely disappointed in myself tonight and I am ashamed that my heart is still so deceitful. It makes no sense to strive for an A in Managerial Accounting and fail a simple test of application of Biblical principles. However, just as my professor didn’t chastise me as I deserved but rescued me with encouragement, my Savior does the same. He encourages me with Psalm 73:26 which says that my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever, and He reminds me of His promise in Philippians 1:6 that He who began the good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

I am confident that there will be a day when the Godly character that I inherit from my heavenly Father will overrule the personality I inherited from my biological one. When that day finally comes, I, along with everyone else shall truly be…. Wonderstruck.

Responding to Grace

I haven’t blogged in such a long time. I miss it. What I miss even more is Bible study – both by myself and in a group. Working full time and pursuing a college degree leaves little time for anything else. Thankfully, God speaks to us in many ways and can use anything or anyone to illustrate a point. Many times, He has used my college experiences to clarify a Biblical concept. Today’s lesson was sweet, and even though a ton of homework awaits, I have to take time to write about this – if for no other reason than to make sure it penetrates deep within my own spirit.

Grace. We Christians love that word. As well we should, for without it we have no salvation and no relationship with God. Today, in my tax accounting class, I was the recipient of grace. The professor handed us our graded homework from the last class. I did not do as well as I had thought. Out of 65 problems, I had made 9 mistakes. Some of them were silly, minor mistakes and some revealed that I did not understand the material. Seeing all those red x marks was depressing. However, if I showed you the front page of my homework, you would never know that I had made 9 mistakes. The professor had written across the top of the paper: “100% Nice Job”! Nice job? If I did the math, I should have an 86%, which to me is not a nice job. On the books, however, I have 100%.
The professor explained that because this is an accelerated class and we are learning much of the material on our own, all she is looking for is to see that we tried. She said that she can tell who gave it their all and who slacked off and if she could see the effort, we were given a perfect score. Wow.

During the break, I was chatting with some fellow students and we were talking about the work we are currently doing. Several of the students made comments saying that we didn’t have to try to get it right. They said that as long as we wrote something down, she would give us the credit and therefore we did not need to try so hard. Ouch. I am so glad she did not hear these students, though I doubt she would be surprised. We were given a precious gift – the gift of grace – and some decided to abuse it.

It is not difficult to see the spiritual parallel here. No matter how well we may try to live our lives, the Bible tells us that all have sinned. It says there are none righteous, no not one. No human being, with the exception of God in the flesh (Jesus) has ever gotten a 100% grade on their lives. We have made mistakes. We have failed. We have sinned. God, in His great love for us, sent Jesus to die a horrific death on the cross. In other words, Jesus paid a much higher price (His blood) to extend grace than my accounting professor has paid. Yet, some choose to abuse even the grace of God. How is God’s grace abused? The best answer to that question was given by one of North Way’s pastors in a blog of his own. His blog was written during a mission trip and he explained what God had shown him while overseas. He wrote “I cease trying to work out my salvation with fear and trembling and I begin to arrogantly rely on God’s grace.” Those words have wrecked me time and again.

Now let me be clear. As Christians, we absolutely have to rely on God’s grace. We have no choice. We are incapable of getting it 100% right. We can try and try and try but we will still miss the mark. However, it is the adverb in my pastor’s statement that turns a necessary thing into a horrible thing. It becomes horrible when we ARROGANTLY rely on God’s grace. When we decide to stop trying and just live our lives any old way we want to because well, its okay, God will give me grace… that is when we become arrogant.

Let’s go back to tax accounting for one moment. When I was handed that paper containing 9 mistakes but showing 100%, I had two responses. First was gratitude. I was beyond grateful for my professor’s extension of grace. My second response is that I want to do better next time. I want to try harder. I want to give it all I’ve got. Even though I know that grace will continue to be there, I do not want to rely on it. I don’t want to see 9 mistakes on my next assignment. I am sure I am going to make some, but I will feel bad when I do. To slack off on my work because I know the professor has promised grace would be poor character on my part. It shows a lack of gratitude and a sense of entitlement. To me, the more gratitude I have, the more effort I would want to give to get it right. My effort is one way I can thank her for her grace.

In our Christian lives, this concept can best be illustrated by picturing two kinds of rafts. The way that grace is intended to be viewed is as a life preserver. If we can picture ourselves trying desperately to swim but drowning in our sin, Jesus has thrown us a life preserver. All we have to do is grab onto it and we will be saved – we will not drown and die in our sins. The appropriate response to Jesus for extending that life preserver is gratitude and life lived to the best of our ability. The inappropriate response is to cease seeing His grace as a life preserver and begin to use it as lounge raft. You know, one of those inflatable rafts that you lay on in the pool while sipping cocktails and occasionally gliding our pinky toes in the water.

God never intended for His grace, purchased with the blood of His Son, to become a lounge raft. I am thankful that He used my professor to remind me that grace is a gift and gratitude is the appropriate response. I pray that He helps me to keep my heart soft so that I desire to swim well and give it my best and rely on that life preserver when my efforts fail and I begin to drown.

There is a 100% next to my name in my professor’s grade book. More importantly, my name is written in the Lamb’s Book of Life. Both because of grace. May I always respond well.