Thanksgiving Day. I slept in. I am enjoying a few hours alone in my pjs and with my coffee and two purring kitties before heading over to my parents. I like this yearly ritual.
Though I should do it every day, and often fail, on Thanksgiving God gets my first moments.
I didn’t participate in the 30 Days of Thanks thing on Facebook. I have enjoyed reading posts from others, but I didn’t want it to get rote, routine, or disingenuous for me. Also, I like to take this time on Thanksgiving morning to make my big list of what I am thankful for.
So for my faithful readers, this may get a little boring for you, as the first part of my list will be a “duh” – and just like everyone else’s list. Oh wait – this is Raquel talking – nothing she says is like anyone else. LOL But seriously, I am doing this more for me than for my readers. However, if you do decide to read my saga of thanks – I hope it balances out the numerous times I whine and complain when life doesn’t go my way.
I have decided to divide my list into two parts: the obvious and the not so obvious.
The Obvious
Obviously, He tops the list. I am beyond thankful for Jesus and my relationship with Him. This year, that thankfulness for Him has an even deeper meaning. Yesterday, I was listening to Christmas music and Amy Grant’s song “Heirlooms” came on. For a brief moment, it made me sad. Jesus was not an “heirloom” in my family. My ancestors were steeped in religion, but none of them knew Jesus. The enemy has a big success record with my family - using his most deceitful tool of religion to blind them and keep them from seeing Jesus. Beyond that, my extended family isn’t even close. We never have get togethers – not even for funerals. Oh but I couldn’t dwell on that for long. The Lord rushed in to rescue me from my downward spiraling thoughts and I thought about this in a way I never have before. If I were to go on ancestry.com and trace my Russian roots and then make their cute little family tree down to me - I am the first one to have a relationship with Christ! What is awesome about this is that I had nothing to do with it. In 1988, I was not seeking Jesus. He sought me. He reached His giant holy hands into the sin and filth of McKees Rocks and my broken, sin-stained family and picked me up and began our relationship. It’s not cliché when I say – He loved me first. My parents now have a relationship with Jesus too – and the three of us will remain in prayer for the rest – that the blinders will be removed from their eyes and they can see Jesus and His love for them. Not religion, not church – only Jesus.
Jesus. Oh that name. I am thankful for His unending patience and longsuffering with me. I cannot understand why He loves me and why He remains faithful – but I am grateful that He does. It’s been 25 years since my relationship with Him began and the sanctification process has been so ridiculously slow and painful – for both of us. Why He doesn’t give up is beyond me. But as the song says: “His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.”
As I think about my relationship with Christ, I am thankful for my spiritual heritage. Wait – didn’t I just say I didn’t have one? Am I confusing you? Well you know some people say that blood is thicker than water. (not always true by the way) But I always say that the blood of Christ is thicker than both. Though my spiritual heritage did not come from my blood relatives, it came from my blood bought relatives – the church.
When I stepped into Abundant Life Church in 1988, I was amazed at the genuine love the people showed me. They never tried to “convert” me. They just loved me. And trust me, I was not easy to love. Believe it or not, I was a million times worse than I am now. North Way owes them a debt of gratitude – they did all the hard work. I will never forget that first month. I watched Pastor Susan lead worship and then I talked with her afterwards. She didn’t tell me about Jesus. She showed me Jesus. I saw Him in her. I saw contentment in her and I couldn’t understand how she got it – I wanted what she had. She only told me about the Lord when I asked her to.
After I accepted Christ as my personal Savior on July 30, 1988, so many people began pouring into my life. On Wednesday evenings after church, the youth group would hang out on the street outside the church – just being normal teenagers. Shocker – I wasn’t normal. I stayed inside and sat and talked with Earl Wheeler. He patiently allowed me to be like that pesky little puppy that never went away. During the next five years, I had many mentors and supporters as I wrestled between my new life in Christ and my sinful life of the McKees Rocks bottoms that didn’t want to surrender without a fight. I am so thankful for George and Pat, Earl and Irene, Angela and Gary, Lucy, Fran, Brigid, Suzanne, Walt, Karen and a long list of others that never gave up on me. I am beyond thankful for all the Biblical instruction I received. Not only in Bible class in Abundant Life Academy, but in church and the various classes and instructional meetings – I was given a rich, firm foundation. I was baptized in 1989, but not before sitting in several classes until my pastor KNEW that I understood Biblically what I was doing. I can still hear Pastor Susan as she dunked me – “Raquel Marie Branchik I baptize you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, rise and walk in newness of life!” Throughout my teens and early twenties, I was steeped in Biblical instruction. I understand worship – both individual and corporate. I understand spiritual warfare. And yes, I understand grace – as I am the recipient of boatloads of it – from both God and people.
Onto the rest of the obvious list…
I am thankful for my parents. My mom was (and is) the best mom in the world. She had more problems and tragedies in her life when I was young, but she shielded me from them all – I never knew until I was an adult. She was and is my rock. Always there. Unconditional love. I have scores of precious memories from little things she has done – that were actually huge things for me. From my homemade birthday cake with coconut and jelly beans, to a new Strawberry Shortcake doll with every good report card. As I got older, she let me be me – even when my decisions hurt her. She knew I had to learn on my own – but she was and is – always there.
My step dad – when he entered my world at age 9 – I hated him. In my young eyes, he took my mom away. But in reality, he welcomed me and then my sister Shannon as his own – though we were not his blood. When my youngest sister came, he simply had three daughters – not one daughter and two steps. I didn’t always listen to him – I still don’t. But two things he taught me that I will never let go of – respect is not commanded, it is earned. And what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I can unpack those in another blog if need be.
My sisters – I am 10 years older than Shannon and 14 years older than Krystal. I was surrogate mom growing up – but now we learn to respect each other as adults.
My friends – I simply cannot express enough gratitude for the amazing friends God has blessed me with. And you know its funny, I get teased often because my closest friends are older than I am. My best friend is my youngest friend – and she is 9 years my senior. Some goof balls even tried to tell me that I am trying to replace my mom. BULL CRAP. First of all, my mom is irreplaceable. Secondly - she is still here! (people kill me)
But I have been blessed with the ability to find awesome people and secure friendships with them. I have seen the truth of “bad company corrupts good character”. I have watched loved ones be hurt time and time again by their “friends”. Proverbs 13:20 says he who walks with the wise, grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm. I have watched folks suffer much harm by being a companion of a fool. (The Bible’s definition of a fool is one who lives like there is no God). I have been privileged to walk with the wise. I have many good friends at North Way. Many have blessed me beyond words. My core four – Denise, Kathy, Gail, Susan - they protect me from myself and love me in spite of myself. I am a better person each time I spend time with one of them.
And speaking of North Way – I love my church. I always say that if I can’t be in heaven, North Way is the next best thing. I may have mild disagreements with policies or procedures sometimes, but that would be the case anywhere. I am thankful for my church – for who they are and what they do.
My pastors. They are rock stars. Jay, Scott, Kent, Doug, Bryan, John, Freedom, Darren, John, Randy, Scott, Rob – and I can’t wait until the day I can add… Dennis. I love the way God has uniquely gifted all of them to shepherd this large flock. I have been blessed by all of them in different ways. And no, I am not just saying that because it sounds nice. I can list the ways each has blessed me – but not in this blog, it’s long enough already.
My job. When I think of all the fast food places I have worked, and all the waitress jobs I have held, not to mention two grocery stores, LensCrafters, a construction company, and Yellow Cab of Pittsburgh, it blows my mind that I have been blessed with such a good job. I was grateful when I began sitting in an office and a cube. Now, I mostly sit at home – comfortable – making more money than ever before with nothing more than a high school diploma. I’m doing things I “can’t” do – functioning beyond my skill level. But I am still there because God wants me there. And I think the main reason God brought me to FIS was not the good pay or even the work from home and flex time privilege. I believe He brought me there to meet my boss. Kelly is what every manager should be. If the big wigs at FIS were smart, they would cut cost on their “leadership trainings” and just have everyone spend a week with Kelly. Their test would be – “be like her or get out”. Well – that’s a glimpse of Raquel’s utopian world. But seriously, she is the reason I stay, the reason I don’t give up. And she also has two awesomely adorable, fantastic, well behaved kids – just a picture of them can cheer me up on a bad day. And if folks would watch the way she and her husband work as a team, they would be flying them in to lead marriage seminars – and then I could play with the kids!
The children in my life – Rashawnda (really not a child anymore) and my two Compassion sponsored girls – they bless me more than I bless them.
Material stuff: my apartment, the vacant apartment downstairs, my bed, my cats, COFFEE, food, music, my car, my mug collection.
This ends the list of the obvious things I am thankful for. Yep, typical Raquel. Took four pages to say God, family, friends, church, provision.
But now for the list of not so obvious things I am thankful for – even if I have to remind myself to be thankful for them:
I am thankful that sometimes God says no. Many times have I begged and pleaded for Him to give me something or do something – only to find out later I am soooooo glad He didn’t give me what I wanted. He continues to teach me to trust Him – and that He really does know what is best for me.
I am thankful for this new season He has me in. Truth be told, I hate it – but yes, I am still thankful. I hate it because it’s totally opposite of the direction I want to go. My life is primarily work and school. I have missed so much of the things that I feel make me who I am. I have missed Bible studies, small groups, church services, the LAMP Leadership team, time with friends… all to pursue what appears to be meaningless, secular pursuits that will not matter at all in eternity. When I stand before God – He will not ask me about the spreadsheets I did. So why pull me away from the things that have eternal value? I answered that question earlier in this paragraph. The things that make me who I am??? If my identity is found in the ministries I participate in – Lord help me.
I think that is why He temporarily took them away. Those things are my comfort zone – where I am in my element, but if I start to find my identity in them – time to lose them. In the world of corporate America and Academia, I am a foreigner, a stranger definitely out of my element. But with all my usual comforts stripped away, I find Jesus walking with me through that foreign environment, and I find my identity solely in Him – I’m a child of the King. And…. He is teaching me to worship Him through these seemingly secular things. I am learning to stay in close communication with Him – without the crutch of the church or ministries.
This last thing will encompass many things – but I am thankful for pain and suffering. No, I haven’t started drinking yet. No one likes pain and suffering. I am queen of comfort – almost every decision I make is based around comfort. I wear comfortable clothes – whether they look good or not. I drive the car I drive because its comfortable. I work really hard to regulate the temperature – I have a small window of comfort, where its not too hot or too cold. I eat for comfort, talk for comfort, listen to music for comfort. Whether a day is good or bad depends on how comfortable I am with the circumstances of that day. Do I sound like a spoiled brat? I am.
But more and more God is showing me how He uses pain and suffering as a tool. The funny thing – I haven’t really suffered. My life has been sheltered and blessed. I mean, everyone has stuff they deal with…
Recently, a sharp knife of pain has been felt by a book I chose to read. Kimberly Smith was the keynote speaker at our Orphan Care Expo and last night I finished her book – Passport through Darkness. It was true to its title. Page 2 had me crying. Chapter 19 literally caused me to have nightmares – literally I woke up with the sheets pulled off the bed. Last night, the final two chapters were worse than I ever could have imagined. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even form words to explain it. I was in shock. I won’t go into detail…
But on the last two pages, Kimberly was asked by folks at a church she was speaking to how she could forgive the men, the people who committed these horrific, unspeakable, evil acts to children and to her. Her response was that it was easy to forgive the evil people. She said they were born into evil and knew nothing else. She said what is harder to forgive is the pampered, secure, comfortable, safe American Christians who seek to keep their blissful ignorance. They would rather choose to not know, choose to not hear, choose to not see, and definitely choose to not act. They just don’t want to think about anything that makes them sad. Because they can’t fix the entire situation, they choose to do nothing instead of whatever they can.
I don’t type this to be a downer on a happy day. I type it because I am that American Christian. I say I want to do ministries and help people – but am I willing to experience even a tiny fraction of what Kimberly did – to help one person? Am I willing to put myself in danger – like Jesus would do – to rescue one individual? Or would I rather head on over to Carlow University after stopping at Starbucks for my venti sugar free hazelnut soy latte? I don’t like to suffer. Heck, I don’t like discomfort. But sometimes pain and suffering are what it takes to align our priorities with His. The Bible says Jesus learned obedience from what He suffered. (Hebrews 5:8) If Jesus Himself had to suffer, how much more will we sinful humans need to suffer to bring about change – in ourselves and others. For Kimberly, her pain cleansed her of apathy and indifference. For me, my meager suffering helps me to focus on Him and align with His priorities and objectives. Pain has a purpose. Doesn’t make it any less painful – just purposeful.
So I am thankful for the pain and suffering. Lord, help me to suffer well – like you did.
Oh my. It’s 1pm and I am still in my pajamas. Time to shower and dress and head over to my family. Krystal will not be joining us today. But Shannon is cooking and I cleaning – and I am thankful for my wonderfully blessed life.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Distraction
A good place to start would be with some Francesca Battistelli:
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that’s getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I’m blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You’re doin
Might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
It’s amazing the little things I struggle with. For some crazy reason, I seem to do better with battling the big stuff. Two week ago, I attended North Way’s Orphan Care Expo. I love that event, but it never loves me back. It is always a spiritual battle for me. I volunteer to host a table for Compassion, it rarely brings good results. This year only one was sponsored. But to me, even one child makes it all worth it. This year the battle was intensified. When I located my table, I found out I was surrounded. To my right was Bethany Christian Services, the people who facilitated my failed adoption. (To be clear, I am not blaming them – I just feel like I failure when I see them). In front of me was Gwen’s Girls. They are the non-profit who was hiring a staff accountant but would not interview me due to my lack of a bachelors degree. That would have been my dream job – accounting and ministering to inner city girls at the same time. But obviously, it wasn’t God’s dream for me. To ice the cake, the table to my left was Glade Run. That is the place where I met and fell in love with a child I was going to adopt. After 3 hours in a conference room with her and case workers and social workers, we were set to begin paper work for me to bring her home – and they happen to casually mention that she was severely allergic to cats. At the time, I did not have cats but my mother did and my mom was the after school caregiver. I never forgot that girl. She is still listed on the PA kids website so she was never adopted.
The Expo in general always leaves me feeling excited about what God is doing through people, but it also leaves me sad – when I see what all those folks are doing and I realize that what I am doing is spreadsheets. But I said all that to say this – I battled all those emotions at the Orphan Care Expo – and with God’s help – I won the battle. I rested in the fact that I know I am where God wants me right now. I surrender that onslaught of emotion to Him and He gave me a peace that only He can give.
SO ONE WOULD THINK…. that a little thing like I have face this week would be easy.
But no, silly me, it had me gloomy and in tears. School. School has been hard in many ways. Each time I go to Carlow, I regret not going after high school. I regret not going when my studies could have been my first priority, when I could have gotten involved in school activities, and when I could have studied abroad for a semester. But I have learned not to wallow in regret.
Obviously, the work load itself is difficult. The Business Management class I had beat me – it really beat me. It’s only the grace of God that I squeaked out with a B.
But the issue this week has me struggling more than the regret and the workload. The reason I chose Carlow was because they were the only school with Saturday classes and an adult accelerated program – where you attend one evening per week, but each class is half a semester. So I am getting three classes in the time I would only get one or two at another college. However, the purpose is about to be defeated. I am paying my astronomical tuition with federal loans. The federal government does not loan me enough to take three classes each semester. I registered for three classes for the upcoming spring semester, but my aid is $2,500 short. I attempted to get private loans from Sallie Mae and Wells Fargo, but I needed a co-signer and no one in my family was an eligible co-signer. My last resort was to try Carlow’s payment plan. Well – Carlow’s payment plan is unreasonable. They basically divide your balance by 5 (the months in a semester). Um – I don’t have a spare $500 a month – that’s like rent or a car payment.
So I began to seek direction and try to decide what to do. I was really looking forward to the classes I am registered for – because if I completed them, I would be a sophomore come Fall 2014. So, I considered getting a second job and working on the weekends and possibly one evening per week to raise the $500 a month. I was hesitant only because I was unsure how I would get the homework done if I did that. But, before I could make a decision, it was made for me. In order to go on Carlow’s payment plan, I would have to pay the first installment by December 16th. Even if I found a second job this weekend, that would not be doable. So I have no choice but to drop classes and only take two in the Spring and none in the Summer.
What angers me is that every other student (adult students) in my class, get more than enough aid to cover their tuition. It’s not because I earn more money. They get more aid because they are single moms. My accounting professor (a part time professor at Carlow) works in the financial aid office at a small college in West Virginia. He told my class that some of his students get so much aid that they get money refunded to them and they buy smart phones and cars with their excess aid. He has actually had students ask him to rush their refund so they can get a car. He recently had a meeting with a student who received $5,000 in “extra aid” that was given to her in a check – because she is 19 and has four kids. It infuriates me because I am not looking for a hand out. I don’t want the government to buy me a smartphone. All I want is a loan for the amount of my tuition. But I feel like I am being punished because I didn’t have an illegitimate child.
This unchecked anger lead to misery. I thought of all I have missed and sacrificed to go to school. I didn’t do the Beth Moore Women’s Bible study last Spring, when they studied Revelation. I dropped out of the LAMP Leadership team. I am missing all the LAMP mentors meetings because they are always held when I am in class. And now next week, I will miss one of the best services of the year – the Thanksgiving All Worship Night – because I have to be in class giving a speech.
So as I drove to class tonight, I was sad and in tears. So much time, work and sacrifice and I have to drop two classes… Well, before you all start playing your violins, hold one for one more moment…
I caught myself way too far down in the downward spiral and I started to pray – something I should have done hours before. While praying, I remembered that I hadn’t read Jesus Calling yet for today. I have it on my phone so I hit the app. I didn’t need to read it – just the title alone was Jesus speaking to me. The title for today was: Leave the Outcomes to Me.
My tears of frustration turned into happy tears on my now smiling face. No matter how many times He has spoken to me in the 25 years of our relationship, the fact that the All Knowing, All Powerful Creator and King of the universe speaks directly into the mundane, miniscule, puny happenings of my life just blows my mind. It awes me each and every time. I started to thank Him – just for speaking to me. I didn’t care that He wasn’t miraculously providing $2,500 for me to keep my classes. I was just thrilled that He was speaking to me.
There are many, many times where I feel like Jesus says to me “Raquel, really?” This was not one of them. He was patient and kind and willing to calm His child – His child that was taking a temper tantrum because she did not get her way.
I thought back to that Orphan Care Expo. I got a copy of the book Passport Through Darkness that the keynote speaker authored. The title explains the book. That woman has seen and gone through unspeakable, horrific, evil things. Page 2 of the book was gut-wrenching and I am almost done with it. I said “Lord, my life has not seen or experienced anything near that horrible. I have not known suffering at all. I have been a comforted, cushioned, sheltered, spoiled little baby compared to what Kim and the Sudanese people have gone through. How could I let myself get so upset over college classes?”
The Lord showed me two things. First, the impeccable timing of my church’s new sermon series. The sermon is dealing with the enemy and the tools that he uses to keep us from a close relationship with the Lord and from walking in the abundant life we are promised. The four tools are Deception, Doubt, Distraction, and Discouragement. I have learned to recognize the first two, but oh, that distraction gets me each and every time. I get distracted by life and I lose focus, and then comes discouragement.
I hesitated to just blame the enemy for my own stupidity. I mean, I should be smart enough to not sweat the small stuff. The Lord showed me that the enemy is great at using life events to distract us, but its our choice to stay focused on circumstances. The enemy doesn’t have a hard job. He yells “hey – look over here” and we divert our attention. The enemy has done moved on and we are still fixated on our problem.
The second thing the Lord showed me was from that book – Passport Through Darkness. When I first started reading the book, I almost chastised myself for even reading it. I mean, all it would do is make me sad, right? I would cry over the horrible things that she mentioned, and then I would get sad because God isn’t calling me to Sudan, He is calling me to a cube in corporate America (where I see enough evil in the form of damaged families).
But God had a purpose for me reading the book and it wasn’t to make me sad. It was to learn the lesson that Kim learned, without going through the suffering that Kim went through. Kim speaks not only of the evil she has seen in Sudan – I will spare you the horrific details – but she also speaks of how hard it was for her being thirsty and having no water, hungry and having no food. She ached from head to toe, incurred many physicals wounds while there, went days without sleeping or bathing. One particular story she tells is when she rode on the back of a motorcycle for five straight hours. Holding on to the shoulders of the driver, she had to beat wild dogs with sticks and was cut by brush and tree branches. Her back was in so much pain she thought she would pass out. Eventually, she flipped out on the driver for not taking a break and she yelled at him and explained all her physical ailments – as if the driver wasn’t experiencing the same thing. It was then she realized her sin. Her sin was a sense of entitlement. She felt entitled to safety, to comfort, to pain free living. She felt entitled to drink when thirsty and eat when hungry. She felt entitled to bath with clean water every day and sleep when tired. And she felt entitled to shield herself from horrors of evil happening in the world around her. She had forgotten that every good thing she has in her life is a gift from God. She is entitled to nothing. God never promises a life of comfort and safety. In fact, His Word tells us the opposite.
My story is not that extreme. But I do have a gross sense of entitlement. I am entitled to enroll in as many classes as I want. I am entitled to my degree in MY timeframe. I am entitled to go out to eat and to get gingerbread lattes at Starbucks and still have enough money for textbooks….
God my selfishness makes me sick. Forgive me. You have blessed me so much more than I deserve. I couldn’t go to school at all if it weren’t for the flexibility that my boss and my job offer to me. I have only a high school diploma, and yet I have a great job that enables me to work from home. I have my own place and my own car and family and friends who love me. Most importantly, I have an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus, who took my place and died my death on that cross so that we could be in relationship. I may never step foot on foreign soil for ministry or education, but I can step foot in the Holy of Holies in worship any time I want – and I don’t even have to be at North Way on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.
I began this blog with a song – to show how I was feeling. And I will end it with a song – to show how I am feeling.
Who taught the sun
Where to stand in the morning
Who taught the ocean
You can only come this far
And who showed the moon
Where to hide till evening
Whose words alone can
Catch a falling star
Yeah
The very same God
That spins things in orbit
Runs to the weary
The worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands
That hold me when I'm broken
They conquer death to bring me victory
Well I know
My redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
All of creation testifies
There's life within the Christ
I know my Redeemer lives
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that’s getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I’m blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You’re doin
Might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
It’s amazing the little things I struggle with. For some crazy reason, I seem to do better with battling the big stuff. Two week ago, I attended North Way’s Orphan Care Expo. I love that event, but it never loves me back. It is always a spiritual battle for me. I volunteer to host a table for Compassion, it rarely brings good results. This year only one was sponsored. But to me, even one child makes it all worth it. This year the battle was intensified. When I located my table, I found out I was surrounded. To my right was Bethany Christian Services, the people who facilitated my failed adoption. (To be clear, I am not blaming them – I just feel like I failure when I see them). In front of me was Gwen’s Girls. They are the non-profit who was hiring a staff accountant but would not interview me due to my lack of a bachelors degree. That would have been my dream job – accounting and ministering to inner city girls at the same time. But obviously, it wasn’t God’s dream for me. To ice the cake, the table to my left was Glade Run. That is the place where I met and fell in love with a child I was going to adopt. After 3 hours in a conference room with her and case workers and social workers, we were set to begin paper work for me to bring her home – and they happen to casually mention that she was severely allergic to cats. At the time, I did not have cats but my mother did and my mom was the after school caregiver. I never forgot that girl. She is still listed on the PA kids website so she was never adopted.
The Expo in general always leaves me feeling excited about what God is doing through people, but it also leaves me sad – when I see what all those folks are doing and I realize that what I am doing is spreadsheets. But I said all that to say this – I battled all those emotions at the Orphan Care Expo – and with God’s help – I won the battle. I rested in the fact that I know I am where God wants me right now. I surrender that onslaught of emotion to Him and He gave me a peace that only He can give.
SO ONE WOULD THINK…. that a little thing like I have face this week would be easy.
But no, silly me, it had me gloomy and in tears. School. School has been hard in many ways. Each time I go to Carlow, I regret not going after high school. I regret not going when my studies could have been my first priority, when I could have gotten involved in school activities, and when I could have studied abroad for a semester. But I have learned not to wallow in regret.
Obviously, the work load itself is difficult. The Business Management class I had beat me – it really beat me. It’s only the grace of God that I squeaked out with a B.
But the issue this week has me struggling more than the regret and the workload. The reason I chose Carlow was because they were the only school with Saturday classes and an adult accelerated program – where you attend one evening per week, but each class is half a semester. So I am getting three classes in the time I would only get one or two at another college. However, the purpose is about to be defeated. I am paying my astronomical tuition with federal loans. The federal government does not loan me enough to take three classes each semester. I registered for three classes for the upcoming spring semester, but my aid is $2,500 short. I attempted to get private loans from Sallie Mae and Wells Fargo, but I needed a co-signer and no one in my family was an eligible co-signer. My last resort was to try Carlow’s payment plan. Well – Carlow’s payment plan is unreasonable. They basically divide your balance by 5 (the months in a semester). Um – I don’t have a spare $500 a month – that’s like rent or a car payment.
So I began to seek direction and try to decide what to do. I was really looking forward to the classes I am registered for – because if I completed them, I would be a sophomore come Fall 2014. So, I considered getting a second job and working on the weekends and possibly one evening per week to raise the $500 a month. I was hesitant only because I was unsure how I would get the homework done if I did that. But, before I could make a decision, it was made for me. In order to go on Carlow’s payment plan, I would have to pay the first installment by December 16th. Even if I found a second job this weekend, that would not be doable. So I have no choice but to drop classes and only take two in the Spring and none in the Summer.
What angers me is that every other student (adult students) in my class, get more than enough aid to cover their tuition. It’s not because I earn more money. They get more aid because they are single moms. My accounting professor (a part time professor at Carlow) works in the financial aid office at a small college in West Virginia. He told my class that some of his students get so much aid that they get money refunded to them and they buy smart phones and cars with their excess aid. He has actually had students ask him to rush their refund so they can get a car. He recently had a meeting with a student who received $5,000 in “extra aid” that was given to her in a check – because she is 19 and has four kids. It infuriates me because I am not looking for a hand out. I don’t want the government to buy me a smartphone. All I want is a loan for the amount of my tuition. But I feel like I am being punished because I didn’t have an illegitimate child.
This unchecked anger lead to misery. I thought of all I have missed and sacrificed to go to school. I didn’t do the Beth Moore Women’s Bible study last Spring, when they studied Revelation. I dropped out of the LAMP Leadership team. I am missing all the LAMP mentors meetings because they are always held when I am in class. And now next week, I will miss one of the best services of the year – the Thanksgiving All Worship Night – because I have to be in class giving a speech.
So as I drove to class tonight, I was sad and in tears. So much time, work and sacrifice and I have to drop two classes… Well, before you all start playing your violins, hold one for one more moment…
I caught myself way too far down in the downward spiral and I started to pray – something I should have done hours before. While praying, I remembered that I hadn’t read Jesus Calling yet for today. I have it on my phone so I hit the app. I didn’t need to read it – just the title alone was Jesus speaking to me. The title for today was: Leave the Outcomes to Me.
My tears of frustration turned into happy tears on my now smiling face. No matter how many times He has spoken to me in the 25 years of our relationship, the fact that the All Knowing, All Powerful Creator and King of the universe speaks directly into the mundane, miniscule, puny happenings of my life just blows my mind. It awes me each and every time. I started to thank Him – just for speaking to me. I didn’t care that He wasn’t miraculously providing $2,500 for me to keep my classes. I was just thrilled that He was speaking to me.
There are many, many times where I feel like Jesus says to me “Raquel, really?” This was not one of them. He was patient and kind and willing to calm His child – His child that was taking a temper tantrum because she did not get her way.
I thought back to that Orphan Care Expo. I got a copy of the book Passport Through Darkness that the keynote speaker authored. The title explains the book. That woman has seen and gone through unspeakable, horrific, evil things. Page 2 of the book was gut-wrenching and I am almost done with it. I said “Lord, my life has not seen or experienced anything near that horrible. I have not known suffering at all. I have been a comforted, cushioned, sheltered, spoiled little baby compared to what Kim and the Sudanese people have gone through. How could I let myself get so upset over college classes?”
The Lord showed me two things. First, the impeccable timing of my church’s new sermon series. The sermon is dealing with the enemy and the tools that he uses to keep us from a close relationship with the Lord and from walking in the abundant life we are promised. The four tools are Deception, Doubt, Distraction, and Discouragement. I have learned to recognize the first two, but oh, that distraction gets me each and every time. I get distracted by life and I lose focus, and then comes discouragement.
I hesitated to just blame the enemy for my own stupidity. I mean, I should be smart enough to not sweat the small stuff. The Lord showed me that the enemy is great at using life events to distract us, but its our choice to stay focused on circumstances. The enemy doesn’t have a hard job. He yells “hey – look over here” and we divert our attention. The enemy has done moved on and we are still fixated on our problem.
The second thing the Lord showed me was from that book – Passport Through Darkness. When I first started reading the book, I almost chastised myself for even reading it. I mean, all it would do is make me sad, right? I would cry over the horrible things that she mentioned, and then I would get sad because God isn’t calling me to Sudan, He is calling me to a cube in corporate America (where I see enough evil in the form of damaged families).
But God had a purpose for me reading the book and it wasn’t to make me sad. It was to learn the lesson that Kim learned, without going through the suffering that Kim went through. Kim speaks not only of the evil she has seen in Sudan – I will spare you the horrific details – but she also speaks of how hard it was for her being thirsty and having no water, hungry and having no food. She ached from head to toe, incurred many physicals wounds while there, went days without sleeping or bathing. One particular story she tells is when she rode on the back of a motorcycle for five straight hours. Holding on to the shoulders of the driver, she had to beat wild dogs with sticks and was cut by brush and tree branches. Her back was in so much pain she thought she would pass out. Eventually, she flipped out on the driver for not taking a break and she yelled at him and explained all her physical ailments – as if the driver wasn’t experiencing the same thing. It was then she realized her sin. Her sin was a sense of entitlement. She felt entitled to safety, to comfort, to pain free living. She felt entitled to drink when thirsty and eat when hungry. She felt entitled to bath with clean water every day and sleep when tired. And she felt entitled to shield herself from horrors of evil happening in the world around her. She had forgotten that every good thing she has in her life is a gift from God. She is entitled to nothing. God never promises a life of comfort and safety. In fact, His Word tells us the opposite.
My story is not that extreme. But I do have a gross sense of entitlement. I am entitled to enroll in as many classes as I want. I am entitled to my degree in MY timeframe. I am entitled to go out to eat and to get gingerbread lattes at Starbucks and still have enough money for textbooks….
God my selfishness makes me sick. Forgive me. You have blessed me so much more than I deserve. I couldn’t go to school at all if it weren’t for the flexibility that my boss and my job offer to me. I have only a high school diploma, and yet I have a great job that enables me to work from home. I have my own place and my own car and family and friends who love me. Most importantly, I have an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus, who took my place and died my death on that cross so that we could be in relationship. I may never step foot on foreign soil for ministry or education, but I can step foot in the Holy of Holies in worship any time I want – and I don’t even have to be at North Way on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.
I began this blog with a song – to show how I was feeling. And I will end it with a song – to show how I am feeling.
Who taught the sun
Where to stand in the morning
Who taught the ocean
You can only come this far
And who showed the moon
Where to hide till evening
Whose words alone can
Catch a falling star
Yeah
The very same God
That spins things in orbit
Runs to the weary
The worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands
That hold me when I'm broken
They conquer death to bring me victory
Well I know
My redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
All of creation testifies
There's life within the Christ
I know my Redeemer lives
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)