I haven't blogged in awhile. My life has been CRAZY. School is taking way more out of me than I expected. Work is one challenge after another - whether its the actual work or the corporate dynamics. I just recently moved and while its a good thing for me, I have become the black sheep (or white sheep) of my family.
So when I come home in the evenings, I am usually mentally fried and dont feel like blogging - I just want to veg.
But then there are moments when God speaks to me through circumstances and I have to process it. I have to type it out and share it and thus somehow seal it in my spirit.
Last night while laying in bed, I realized that it was a year ago that my life seemed to be falling apart. I had suffered 3 huges losses and I didnt know where my life was headed. A year later, I have been abundantly blessed. One loss was recovered, one replaced. Many lessons were learned this year and many continue to be taught.
During the past two weeks, I have been the recipient of grace, blessing, love and care like I cannot even describe. A dear friend of mine came over to help me pack. We went to breakfast and she spent all morning packing my endless mugs and dishes. Each time I get to hang out with her is like God giving me a gift - a gift that I never thought I would have or deserve. I see Jesus so clearly in her and feel His love for me through her.
Last week, my best friend and her husband and step-son helped me move. Again, you would not think that's a big story. But it is. See, I had planned to pack myself and then pay for movers. I hired and scheduled them. But my friends knew I would be paying by the hour. They offered to help me get little things out of the way so the movers only dealt with big furniture. I figured they would give me one evening of help. Well they gave me a week. Every week they worked their butts off for me - cleaning, moving, maintenance work. They saved me a ton of money and my sanity. And to boot - they purchased a beautiful new faucet and installed it as a suprise housewarming gift. On the day the movers came, they could not get my couch in the apartment. My friends ended up roping it and hoisting it from the ground up onto my second floor balcony.
They did all that for me - without asking for anything in return.
My boss - my goodness - she is like Miracle Gro on the seeds on gratitude. It seems like for the past 3 months I have had one personal issue after another that has caused me to get to work late, have to leave early, spend time on the phone during work... Most bosses would have said enough is enough. She says do what you need to do. Now I still find a way to get the work done. But that grace and that trust is a gift - one I never want to take for granted.
Yet, even with all these blessings I still struggle. My life is so different now from the way its been. My focus is learning a new industry and going to school. I have temporarily given up the Lamp Leadership Team, the Beth Moore Womens Bible study, a small group. My mentoring relationship is coming to a close (she is 18) and I want to mentor another young girl but dont seem to have the time or energy. I miss people. I miss people so much. I miss my fellow Lamp Leaders, I miss the Beth Moore ladies. I miss my old small group. I want to sit in a living room with Amylyn and Jeff and David and LeeAnn and Steve and Phyllis. I remember once such small group when Steve prayed as we were gathered and he said "these are the true riches of life". They are. And I miss them. And I am scared. I am fearful of succeeding at things that dont matter. Fearful of one day being on my death bed and regretting what I did with the time God gave to me.
All these thoughts, feelings, confusions, conflicts - they wear me down. So much good. So much blessing. So much grace. Still confused. Still fearful.
I had a bad evening tonight. I tried to go to sleep and all these thoughts came rushing in. I felt like I didnt have the right to be upset with all the good that I have received lately.
At 10:30, I went to shut down the computer and I saw an email from a friend that I havent heard from in a long time. This friend was my first mentor (unofficially). I was 10 and my life was in turmoil from family situations. I had one woman in my life who just showered me with attention. She called me Sunshine (prophetically speaking because I was a miserable child). She gave me so much attention and unconditional support. She encouraged me and boosted my self esteem. She believed in me and had confidence in me when it seemed no one else did. She was my fifth grade teacher. We have stayed in touch all these years. Hearing from her tonight after a bad evening was like a healing balm. And of course, another lesson from the Lord.
His Word tells us that we will have trouble in this life. We have our highs and we have our lows. We have our blessings and our struggles. Through it all God is our only constant. Everything else keeps changing. People, relationships, circumstances, life focus... all changing. He never changes. And I think through the ups and downs, the highs and lows, He wants to love us. But we have to be open and allow Him to love us HIS way. So many times I want to dictate how He should love me. I look for His love to come packaged a certain way. But God will not be put in a box. Tonight, He wanted to tell me He loved me and cares for me. It didnt come in a nice peaceful dinner with a friend like I thought it would. But it came in an email from my fifth grade teacher who remains my friend 29 years later.
I can see Him smile and sense that Fatherly chuckle. Its like He takes my face in His hands and says Raquel - I love you. Stop trying so hard. Stop striving. Stop trying to figure your life out. Stop trying to cling to blessings and cling to Me instead. The blessings come and go - as do the troubles. You will lose your way and find it again. But rest. Rest in Me. Rest in My Love. I will always love you - in unexpected ways.
I have rambled. But typing out this mental storm helped me to hear God clearly - and now I think I can go to bed and truly rest. My highs are still my highs, my lows still my lows. My confusion and fear still there. But when God speaks to me and showers me with His love - all that other stuff grows small.
