When God Says No

For most of my life I have been on quest. I've been on quest to achieve what it seemingly unattainable for me. I have been on a quest for "normal". I have been "abnormal" for most of life and I have spent most of my life trying to change that fact. Up until I was five years old, it was just me and my mom. My mom was single but life for me was perfect. I never left her side those first five years and it was like I had my own personal Garden of Eden. But in late August of 1979, I had to leave my garden for the world of kindergarten. My very first day away from my mom and I got beat up by a bunch of fourth grade boys. That was my first encounter with the fallen state of man. Throughout my childhood, I was always different. I never quite knew why. I just knew the kids picked on me and called me names and I never could find a place to fit in. It always seemed I was never doing what the normal group was doing. This continued into high school and even when I joined a church and finished my last three years in a Christian school, I was still different. I never had a senior prom, no homecoming, no graduation party. After high school, I wanted to be in full time ministry so I went to Bible College, thinking now I would finally be... normal. I got to Bible College and I was told that the place was secretly known as a Bridal College. I was 20 years old and not really looking for a man at that time, but two years later when I left there - it was only me and one other girl that was not in a relationship. Again - weird, abnormal, different. I still had hope back then. When I moved out on my own, got a good job, and began adult life I still thought there was hope that I would become normal. I would marry, have kids, and my family would serve the Lord and be ... yep... normal. Its been hard for me. I look at normal everywhere I go. Most folks my age are married with kids. Mostly families (extended families) get together more in one year than my family has gotten togther in my lifetime. The last time my local family members were gathered together was the early 90s. It seems like every time I acheive a bit of a normal feeling, I lose it. I have spent many times in my best friend's house with her family. We've had dinners and have played cards and I have enjoyed it so much. I think "this is what normal people do". Well, my best friend sold her house to move to China - taking my little piece of normal. This past February, I received red roses in my office on Valentines Day - the first time in my life. For once, I was like the other ladies in my office. That "normal" experience lasted all of 7 weeks. I am 38 years old and I have been trying and praying for the Lord to make my life look like everyone elses. And for 38 years, the Lord keeps saying "NO". I don't know why the Lord keeps telling me no. I go through stages where sometimes it only bothers me a little, and sometimes it hurts so much I wish He would just take me home. Well, this past Thursday while in the Beth Moore Bible study, I was watching the video and Beth spoke God's Word directly into the sorest part of my heart. She said: "Pain does not have to be in vain. God is strong willed - not strong whimmed. God doesn't just let things happen on a whim. If He has been strong willed enough to say "no" to you in a matter you think will nearly kill you... something HUGE is up. I am not saying that it must have purpose, it has to do with YOUR PURPOSE. If you wanted it so badly and there was a "no" then there is some HUGE and Greater YES. Something in your life that when all time is told and eternity is our reality - your purpose will somehow have been wrapped up in that very greater Yes." It has taken a few days for that to sink in. A few days for me to allow it to bring some type of healing. No, it hasnt brought deliverance - at least not yet. It may still hurt when I see couples holding hands or holding babies. It will definitely still hurt when I see big families gathered together enjoying each other's company. I may still fight feelings of jealousy when I see those who passion and paychecks come from the same place. But one thing I know for sure: God is good. His ways are not my ways, His thoughts definitely are not my thoughts. But I have been in relationship with Him for too long to believe that His answer of no means that God is somehow cruel or uncaring. God is love and He loves me. And even though I don't understand it - I have to believe by faith that went God says no - it is because He is saying YES - to something bigger and better than my mind can comprehend. I am so thankful that the Lord brought me His Word through Beth Moore. It gives me something tangible to fight with when those feelings come. Now, when my eyes see what I can't have or can't be, I may still feel the sting of being told "no", but beyond that initial stings, is the comfort of the sweet, precious voice of my Savior - saying YES.